


King Rat: Deep Water

by EzraTheBlue



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mpreg, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2017-12-31 04:21:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 152,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1027165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzraTheBlue/pseuds/EzraTheBlue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a simple deal- what Gojyo wants in exchange for good behavior and silence. If he breaks the contract, he loses it. However, Kanzeon Bosatsu has other plans for them. How will they continue West bearing this burden? The first in a trilogy and a rewrite of one of my older stories. Updates every other week!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Deal with the Devil

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: For the uninitiated, this is a rewrite of the original King Rat story. It's bigger and better and with a little more stuff that will get me banned. For those who are here because they read the original, welcome back! Don't spoil the surprises.
> 
> When you see a Suggested Track, that's music that inspired the scene or goes with the scene, because I write with music. They go from where denoted to the end of the scene, as denoted by a line break, unless otherwise noted. Enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters belong to Kazuya Minekura-sensei. The scenario is mine. This story has been cross-posted to AO3 and FFN, but it should not be seen anywhere else. (If I do upload it elsewhere, I'll be sure to make a note of it.)

1: Deal with the Devil

There was only one room, and in it were only two beds, and Hakkai won at cards every single time. The Sanzo party had been on the road for more than three months now, and December had come on bitterly cold. They had been fortunate enough to find a town with an inn that night, as they were sick to death of sleeping in the cold and nearly sick in body from the same, they didn't even care that there was only one room with only two beds. They just settled things like they always did- a simple card game. 

Three hands of poker, no bluffs, whoever drew the highest hand won, and Hakkai always won. His sleeves must have had Kings, Aces, and Jokers sewn into the sleeves. Goku had come in second, because every once in a while, the monkey hit a lucky streak. Rather than electing to keep the ever-warring kappa and priest apart from one another, he took the second bed and left the two together. Two futons were laid on the chilly floor of the inn room, side by side, crowded and cramped yet thankful for the body heat, with Hakkai in one bed and Goku in the other. Both were already fast asleep, but they were the only two with the good fortune to find sleep so easily. Genjo Sanzo and Sha Gojyo were on opposite sides of the room, perpendicular from their other party members and staring directly at one another: Sanzo with what seemed to be immeasurable hatred, and Gojyo with a cigarette between his fingers and a sneer painted onto his features. It wasn't that they couldn't sleep; allegedly, it was that neither wanted to agree on where.

“Pick a blanket, pretty boy,” Gojyo taunted in a low voice, puffing a smoke ring and licking his lower lip, just begging Sanzo to react. “Come on, I ain't got all night.”

“I’ll kill you,” Sanzo muttered, giving Gojyo zero satisfaction. “I could wipe that smirk off your face permanently, and put coins in your eyes and a bullet between them without a second thought.”

“I love it when you talk dirty,” Gojyo teased, tossing his hair back. “Now, what’s it gonna be? You next to the idiot monkey, and myself protected by Hakkai, or you by Hakkai and me arguing with the idiot monkey all night?”

“When the fuck do you even sleep?” Sanzo grumbled, his voice a bored monotone. “All you do at night is toss and moan about how badly you want to get laid.” 

“I don’t sleep well alone. I need a teddy bear, preferably one with a good set of tits,” Gojyo chuckled as he tapped the ash off the end of his cigarette. “Masturbation only takes the edge off, you know. I could yank it until I passed out, and I’d wake up five minutes later knowing I didn’t get laid.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Sanzo hissed, rolling his eyes. “I'm sick of hearing you talk. Do you really need to get laid to sleep?” Gojyo smirked eagerly; he liked where this was going.

“Damn right. What, are you volunteering? I'll even pass ya my wallet if you're willing to brave the cold. I'll tell ya now- I like 'em with big t-”

“If it’ll shut you up and make you sleep the whole night without disturbing me, I'll give you exactly what you want.” With that, Sanzo began to strip his robes down, leaving them folded over his obi, and pulled his pants to the floor. Gojyo shook his head, wearing a derisive smirk that revealed a little of his teeth.

“You’re not gonna get me a hooker dressed like that.”

“Who said anything about a hooker?” Sanzo replied coolly, and yanked his robes and belt off. “You want sex, you can come goddamn get it.” As Sanzo kicked his jeans aside, the smile slid from Gojyo’s face. 

“I don’t do that, man. I want a woman. I want a goddamn woman!”

“I'm not interested in men either, but frankly, I don't care right now.” Sanzo pulled a cigarette from his waistband and tucked it in his jaw in one silky motion. “I won’t say a word, I’ll let you do what you want with my body, and you will go to sleep having had a fuck.” Sanzo lit his cigarette and folded his arms, as Gojyo stared at him, agape. Sanzo waited to Gojyo to refuse, shut up, and go to sleep.

“Wait, ain’t you priests supposed to be all chaste and celibate and shit?” Of course Gojyo wouldn't shut up. Sanzo dragged deeply on his cigarette, and started to explain in the slow, delicate voice one reserved for simple children:

“Celibate doesn’t mean ‘virginal.’ Celibate means ‘unmarried.’ People think it means abstinent from sex, but they’re wrong. And as for chaste, Buddhism tells us that the body is meaningless. It is the soul.” Sanzo let smoke puff from his lips, and continued. “You don't seem the type to remember your lessons, but let me give you a refresher. There are four great truths in Buddhism, the third of which is that ‘suffering ends when craving ends,’ and as a priest, I will lead you to goddamn Enlightenment by ending your cravings for fucking.” Sanzo extinguished his cigarette and pulled his gloves off, letting them drop beside his jeans. “And if you’re not going to buy that explanation, I don’t care about Buddhism. I care only about my master, and my master cared about making others happy. Screwing will make you happy, so be it. Moreover, if I don’t get you to shut up and sleep, we aren’t going to complete our mission, and I‘m never going to be happy. Got it?”

Sanzo looked at Gojyo, but realized that he wasn’t paying attention. He had instead retrieved a beer from their pack and begun to pour it down his throat. He put the empty can in the trash and opened another one. The tab had barely finished hissing before Gojyo put the can to his lips. Sanzo raised a cold eyebrow as Gojyo drained the can, wiped his lips as he gasped for breath, and turned to face him.

“Look, we’ll make a deal. Give me five minutes.” With that, Gojyo opened another beer and poured it into his gullet like he needed to replace his blood.

\---------- 

(Suggested Track: “Alone Down There,” Modest Mouse)

Five minutes and six empty beer cans later, Gojyo and Sanzo were seated on the floor of the bathroom with a piece of blank paper torn from the inn's neglected ledger and a pen. Sanzo hadn't bothered retrieving his clothes but had dug a pen from one of his sleeves and had filled the ledger with calligraphy detailing a basic contract. Gojyo wasn't paying attention, draining a seventh can as quickly as he could. Sanzo finally detached the beer can from his lips. “Are you still sober enough to do business?”

“Alcohol hasn’t hit bottom yet, I’m good,” Gojyo chuckled, though the pink in his cheeks suggested otherwise. He wiped his mouth. “Just tell me what it says.” Sanzo scoffed and straightened the paper out, reading in his usual bored tone:

“I, Sha Gojyo, hereby agree that in exchange for shutting my trap and not pissing Genjo Sanzo off, I will be granted the privilege and opportunity to have sexual relations with Genjo Sanzo. 

I, Genjo Sanzo, hereby agree that in exchange for the silence and appropriate behavior of Sha Gojyo, I will allow aforementioned pervert to participate in sexual relations with my person.

Both parties agree that the contents of this contract and all activities related to it will remain secret. Should the aforementioned information be compromised by revelation to or discussion with any parties not mentioned in this contract, this contract will be considered null and void.” Sanzo took another drag on his cigarette, and slowly exhaled. “Sign.” Without a second thought, Gojyo took the pen from the table and scrawled his name, lopsided and seemingly misspelled. Sanzo signed his name directly under, and put the date beside it. “There. Now, I’m going to lay down and shut up. Do whatever it is you want to do.”

“Wait, you want to suck me off, or should I just stick it in your ass?” Gojyo pounded the floor, trying to keep his attention. 

“Put it in my ass.” Sanzo sounded disgusted to repeat Gojyo's phrasing. “I won’t feel it. If you put it in my mouth, I’d have to taste it.” Sanzo got on his knees, folding his arms on the ground, leaving his hindquarters in the air as an open offer. “Just... get it over with.” Gojyo stared at Sanzo before him, who stared at him with apathetic eyes, and at the thin trail of smoke from his cigarette drifting lazily past his forehead. He couldn’t even muster a comeback. 

“You’re going to need to give me another minute. I can’t get hard with you staring at me like that,” Gojyo finally said, and turned partially away from Sanzo, who scoffed towards the tile.

“I thought you were perpetually hard.” 

“Shut up,” Gojyo hissed. He briefly thought to his companions in the next room, thinking of what they would think of him. He tried to pretend they weren’t there, and that the monk laid on the mat was a beautiful blonde woman. The alcohol had begun to affect him, and as his vision blurred, he could see Sanzo as a pretty woman. A woman. Yes, a beautiful woman. He pulled his pants down, as his cock rose to half-mast, slowly growing at just the potential of having sex with a woman. Oh, the woman was in his imagination, but it had been so, so long. Gojyo felt his lips curl into a devious smirk as he grabbed his member with one hand, thinking about a warm, tight body for him. Just for him, oh yes; no way tightass Sanzo had done this before. It would be tight, he thought, and warm, and tight. Want it, want it, think of how good it’s going to feel. He gave it a few slow strokes, he licked his hand, he grasped his cock harder. Slowly, the beast reared its head, swelling and engorging, turning crimson with pent-up passion. The demon from his depths wanted a vacation from the left hand, and as he found himself fully erect, Gojyo turned back to Sanzo. Sanzo didn’t look; he was drumming his fingers lightly on the floor and bracing himself against the side of the tub, clearly putting his mind somewhere else. Gojyo shook it off with a thought: ‘He may be a man, but he’s as bored as any hooker.’ 

“Hurry up, my knees are getting cold,” Sanzo complained quietly, but Gojyo held his tongue.

Gojyo sauntered across the room, feet silent on the icy bathroom tiles, and he knelt behind Sanzo, lifted the back of his robes, and surveyed his pale, thin back. Sanzo sighed softly, impatiently, but said nothing. Gojyo tried to focus through his now-affected head. The alcohol was working- Sanzo had a thin waist, and with the help of the liquor, Sanzo looked enough like a woman from the waist down, at least until he started easing his cock into the crack. He hesitated for a second as he glanced at Sanzo’s exposed manhood, but reminded himself- ‘it’s not about who or what it is, it’s a warm body to put myself into.’ 

Gojyo spread Sanzo’s flesh out in his palms, found Sanzo’s tight asshole. He gazed upon the offered opening like they were the gates to Heaven, and forced his way in with one quick buck of his hips. He heard Sanzo make a noise like he’d been punched in the gut, but the monk quickly bit down on his fist to silence himself. Gojyo pulled back, and thrust again, bucking his hips and pressing his bones into the soft flesh of Sanzo’s backside. Another thrust, hard, deliberate, forcing himself as far into the tight, warm gap as he could. Sanzo made another muffled noise, and if Gojyo wasn’t as drunk as he was, he would have considered it a moan of pleasure. Instead, he thrust into Sanzo again, and felt a grin creep to his face. ‘Sex with a man,’ he thought, ‘is not so bad at all.’ He gripped onto Sanzo’s shoulders, holding on tight, pulling him back towards him. His rhythm was slow, but the beat was hard, throbbing like a bass guitar, and it may well have shaken the room. “Dirty bastard,” he found himself muttering as he pounded against Sanzo. “Dirty, rotten, bastard, you love it, don't you-” Gojyo felt a light kick, and looked down at Sanzo’s foot on his thigh, then to Sanzo’s face. Sanzo shook his head ‘no,’ and Gojyo remembered the two youkai sleeping three meters and one door away. Gojyo grinned drunkenly; he did have an audience for this performance. 

With a slap of flesh to flesh, Gojyo pushed his cock deeper and harder into Sanzo, and Sanzo let out another, more pained moan. He pounded the floor with one fist, bracing one hand to the wall and biting down on his free arm, but Gojyo ignored his antics. He pulled back and bucked again, trying as hard as he could to make Sanzo moan again. He shifted his hands, sliding up Sanzo’s back and gently squeezing Sanzo’s chest. He found the nipples between his middle and index fingers like a cigarette, and rolled them between his fingers. Yes, Gojyo decided- he has breasts. Flat breasts. “And here I said I liked big ones,” he cackled, though more to himself than anything. Sanzo made a muffled noise and tightened around him, and Gojyo laughed deviously, out of breath as he continued to ram Sanzo from behind. 

He was feeling the pressure build against the head of his member, his seed aching to escape. He couldn’t resist, and it had been too long since he’d actually let himself orgasm, but he couldn't lose this. He hadn't even realized that despite the cold floor and the cold company, this was the best sex he'd had in years. He pushed himself back from Sanzo, almost feeling his manhood freeze, but it wasn't enough to halt his passion. He doubled over and let his cum gush onto the floor, gasping to himself, and he could hear Sanzo sigh with relief. 

Gojyo panted roughly, his jaw slack in his sudden tiredness. He tucked his cock back into his boxers and wiped his seed from the floor and smeared it onto the sink. Sanzo remained on his hands and knees, head to the ground and hands folded in what some would think was prayer. He got up as Gojyo pushed himself back to lean against the wall and light a cigarette. He chuckled softly to himself as Sanzo dusted himself off. The priest looked at the seemingly sated kappa with disgust and disdain, shaking at the fingers, and suddenly punched him in the face. Gojyo yelped and covered his eye, as Sanzo’s entire body shook with barely-contained rage.

“Next time you do that, you… spit on your cock first!” Vitriol poured from his tongue, rage from his every motion. His cheeks were bright pink. Gojyo choked out a laugh, and extinguished his half-finished cigarette.

“Just go to bed,” Gojyo chuckled, shaking his head as the bruise began to blossom on his face. “And... thank you.” He sunk at the waist in a half-bow. Sanzo huffed wordlessly and dodged from the bathroom. Gojyo watched through the crack in the door lay down on the mat next to Hakkai, pulling the covers over his head. Gojyo kept his laugh under his tongue, and decided that he, too, was exhausted. He’d poured himself into his favorite hobby, and found his body satisfied despite his icy reception. He slid down the wall and into the bathtub, closing his eyes for the night without a second thought to any other element of comfort.

“Enlightenment, huh?” He chuckled to himself, but was gone before he could think any further.

\---------- 

When the party awoke to Hakuryu’s crying at the rising sun, Hakkai, Sanzo, and Goku found that they were short one member. None of them had the presence of mind to worry, but they never did; it was easier to assume he'd gone off on his own and would turn up without a second thought to their concern. The three went down the stairs to the dining room, where surely enough, Gojyo waited with a table. It seemed a waitress had already brought an order of breakfast and laid it out, with four empty plates waiting to be filled. Gojyo waved to them, and they joined him.

“Good morning, Hakkai!” Gojyo sounded exceptionally cheery. “Good morning, idiot monkey!” Goku tried to hit him, but he caught his wrist and yanked him down to his seat. He turned to Sanzo, the smile on his face subduing, and he simply nodded in the priest’s general direction. Sanzo grunted irritably.

“Good morning to you too, Gojyo. That is a most excellent black eye.” Hakkai took it in with his usual cheer. “Where did you get it?” Gojyo continued to grin, not certain how to answer, but fortunately, Sanzo intervened.

“I gave it to him,” Sanzo muttered, taking a seat at the table. “He deserved it.” 

“Ahh, of course. I should have known. Gojyo, did you sleep at all sharing the floor with Sanzo?”

“Oh, I slept wonderfully. Now, can we all just be quiet? I’ve got a murderous headache.” Gojyo continued to smile, pulling out chairs for Goku and Hakkai. Gojyo sat down after they did, and began to load up his plate with fried eggs and cucumbers. 

“Eh, Gojyo, you have a hangover?” Goku asked, blinking innocently. “I didn’t see you drink that much last night.”

“He did, and then I punched him,” Sanzo grumbled, as he poured himself a cup of tea and flipped open his newspaper. Hakkai looked at Gojyo expectantly, waiting for the retort, but Gojyo said nothing. Goku began to eat quickly, but Gojyo ate calmly, subdued, much like Sanzo and Hakkai. 

The atmosphere seemed oddly stiff without Gojyo and Goku's usual antics, and though Sanzo didn't seem to mind, Hakkai gently muffled a nervous laugh. He’d known Gojyo for three years, and he’d never seen the man act nearly so mature, especially when taking abuse from Sanzo. In fact, Gojyo was normally the one initiating the arguments. Hakkai decided it was time to put on the “adult pants” and see what the children were up to. He looked at Sanzo, and spoke in a very serious voice. “What happened between you two after I went to sleep last night?” Sanzo and Gojyo both choked mid-bite, looking at one another briefly, before Sanzo looked back at Hakkai.

“Why do you ask?” He asked, his voice as muted as it always was.

“He’s acting so civil, especially towards you.” Hakkai chose his words carefully, picking up his teacup between his palms. Gojyo’s eyes darted anxiously between Hakkai and Sanzo, as he downed a glass of water. Goku didn't seem to be paying attention. Sanzo kept his eyes on his newspaper, his face unreadable.

“Gojyo and I had a discussion at length and have temporarily resolved our issues,” Sanzo said after a moment. Hakkai smiled and giggled airily.

“Was this before or after you punched him?” Hakkai took a sip of his tea, as Gojyo gobbled his way through a cucumber. Sanzo huffed softly and didn’t respond. “Still, it will be nice, the two of you not arguing. Perhaps we shall complete our mission with greater ease.” Gojyo and Sanzo gave each other a firm glare, as though to remind one another of their contract, and continued to eat in silence.

\---------- 

Kanzeon Bosatsu, the Goddess of Mercy, witnessed their actions from Heaven on high with mild interest. She giggled softly to herself, and Jiroushin peered into her garden from the gate.

“Did you say something, milady?” 

“Just thinking,” she answered. She traced her cheekbone with one finger, smiling blithely. Jiroushin withheld his confusion, only too used to his mistress's furtive nature, knowing she would explain when she was ready. She looked up to face him. “What would you think if I decided to send the Sanzo party a small gift?”

“Pardon me, goddess, but you generally don‘t give gifts,” Jiroushin suggested timidly. “Not for many years.”

“Yes, but Genjo Sanzo is performing an act in the name of Buddhism, so he says.” Kanzeon Bosatsu smiled slyly, turning back to the image of the Sanzo party leaving the inn and heading out into the snow. “I give gifts to my students and followers- that is the rule, isn't it?” She examined her scrying pool, swirling the image with the tip of her fingernail. “Genjo Sanzo has always been of interest to me, and it would be only to his ultimate benefit. He has opened himself to an interesting opportunity. Besides, I‘ve loose ends to tie up.” She laughed under her breath, and got to her feet. “I have some work to do. I've decided.” She clapped her hands together. “I shall gift-wrap a special present for the high priest.”


	2. Where Will You Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gojyo has a point to prove...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters are not mine. All the pretty words I strung together are.

**1B: Where Will You Wake Up?**

After their sixth rest stop of the morning, as Gojyo swaggered back from the section of juniper trees he'd chosen to 'decorate' with the leftovers of last night's liquor, Sanzo grabbed him by his collar and yanked him back towards the trees.

“Shit, Sanzo, what th'-”

“Shut up.” Sanzo held him by the collar, glancing over his shoulder all the while. Hakkai hadn't emerged from where he'd gone for privacy, and Goku was flat on his back making snow angels. “How much do you remember from last night?”

“Most of it.” Gojyo yanked Sanzo's hand off of him. “I've been quiet, ain't I? Ain't that what you wanted?” He folded his arms across his chest and shivered- his coat wasn't warm enough for him to be standing around talking with _this_ asshole when the Jeep was _right there_.

“You will be quiet, or you will not get what you want out of me.” Sanzo reached into his sleeve, gripping and squeezing the contract. “And I get to call the shots on what is considered 'behaving.' Got it?”

“Yeah, yeah, got it.” Gojyo looked over Sanzo's shoulder again. Goku had gotten up and started looking around.

“And even more, if either of those two find out, then it's over.” Sanzo leaned close to his ear. “I will deny I ever touched you, I will never let you near me again, and I'll tear your face off if you even try to touch me. I will make your life a living hell for every second I have to be in contact with you.”

“Fine.” Gojyo pushed Sanzo back, and folded his arms. Normally, he would have laughed it off- stick-up-his-ass monk being a stick-up-his-ass monk, nothing more. Maybe it was because they had slept together, but something about the way Sanzo said it chilled him. it was reminder enough of exactly what their arrangement was going to be. Sanzo turned away and stalked back towards the car, and Gojyo waited for a second, then yelled after him: “Hey, watch out! I spell my name real big!” Sanzo swore back at him, and Gojyo chuckled.

_Well, if that's the way it's gonna be, that's fine. I'll show him how it's gonna be._

* * *

**(Suggested Track: “Miss Jackson,” Panic! At the Disco)**

Snowstorms normally were not enough like rainstorms to keep Sanzo awake, but this blustering night, the patter of water on the roof was not the only thing occupying his mind. He'd gone to bed at a sensible time, but the noise from the neighboring tavern where his bodyguards had tarried was riotous and striking. He also knew he had to try and wait for them. He tossed against his pillow, letting his hair tangle against the linen, until he heard the echo of familiar voices singing something annoying in the snow-covered streets. Footsteps passed just under his window, with the three voices that buzzed in his ear all daylight disturbing the peace of the night. Sanzo pulled his pillow over his face, momentarily blocking the racket, until the door to his room swung open.

“Gojyo, you have your own room tonight!” Goku reminded him from elsewhere in the hallway. Gojyo snickered from the door, his form black against the light as he hung in the portal. Sanzo could smell the whiskey reeking off of him from there, and as Gojyo snickered and turned away, it wafted towards him. 

“Yeah, guess so. Whoops.” He leaned on the door, his whole frame askew as he sloppily hung himself against the wall. “I'll get there.” He staggered away for a moment. 

“Are you sure, Gojyo?” Sanzo resisted the urge to groan as Hakkai chimed in.

“Yeah, I got it man. Night.” He waved as he pushed himself off the wall, and Sanzo heard two doors shut. Gojyo turned back into the doorway, leering at Sanzo's prone form in the bed from across the room. “Hey there. You awake?” 

“How can I sleep with all the commotion you assholes are making?” Sanzo threw the pillow at him as he sat up. Gojyo batted it aside as he swaggered to the bed, his hips already loose, his thumbs in his waistband.

“Don't be salty, man. Look, was I good today, or not?” He beamed and knelt on the bed, his hips near Sanzo's waist, and Sanzo's stomach roiled at the stench of liquor floating from his throat. 

“Up until the past two hours, yes.” Sanzo scowled. “So-”

“I swear, I'll be quick.” Gojyo folded his hands, interlacing his fingers. 

“A comfort,” Sanzo snapped, each syllable staccato.

“I wasn't even messin' with you the last two hours, I was havin' fun with the guys!” Gojyo got up to his feet. “Come on, please, I'm dyin'!” 

“Then die already.” Sanzo rolled over, but Gojyo shook his shoulder.

“Is it cause I was so rough last night? Look, I'll be quick, and I'll be gentle.” Gojyo's voice took a tender mien, as he crawled onto the bed and straddled Sanzo's hips. “You won't even know I'm here. It might even feel good if you relax. Just say yes. Please?” 

Sanzo pushed Gojyo back, his palm in his chest. “Will it make you shut up?”

“Yeah.” Gojyo unbuckled his belt, as Sanzo rolled back the sheet.

“Then get it over with!” He buried his nose in the pillow, waiting for Gojyo to make his move. Gojyo, however, slowly slid his hand up Sanzo's back, then traced the curve of his back down his spine, only just digging one fingernail into the skin, leaving a thin red line all the way down. 

“Don't do it just to shut me up. Do it cause you want me to.” Gojyo leaned down and nipped at his ear. “Say you want me.”

“I-” Sanzo hissed, and rolled his back to the mattress. “I want you.” His eyes were lidded and dark, but Gojyo snickered. 

“Whatever you say.” He shifted himself over Sanzo again, thighs over his hips, and began to fold the bottom of his shirt up, revealing his navel. He exhaled slowly, his breath sour from the alcohol rotting in his insides, but Sanzo-

_Oh, Sanzo, why'd you become a monk?_  

He wasn't as drunk as he had been the last night, so it almost felt like he was seeing this for the first time. With Sanzo flat on his back under the window, the light reflecting off the snow highlighted each divet of his muscles and every rosy scar on his ice-pale, icy chest. Sanzo's breath was almost nil, as he lay with his head back and stared out the window behind him. Gojyo gripped the sheets with one hand and pulled Sanzo's shirt off with the other.

“Must you?” Sanzo grunted as Gojyo yanked the tight top over his neck. 

“Let me look at you. You look like a fucking angel on your back.” He could feel the fabric straining under his bent knuckles, but dove forth and laid a trail of kisses down Sanzo's breastbone to his navel. Sanzo made no noise, no motion, not even a hint that he felt it. Hiding his disappointment with a smirk, Gojyo slowly unbuttoned Sanzo's pants and unzipped his fly, then slid down his underwear. He slid his fingers into the patch of kinky golden hair, then combed it between them. _Why do you smell so good? You don't smell like a woman, but why is your scent so bittersweet?_

Gojyo touched Sanzo's manhood, two fingers across the shaft like he could take its pulse, and he heard Sanzo exhale slowly- _he's getting impatient._ His turgid cock was burgeoning at the seams of his boxer shorts, becoming almost painful to withhold. He stepped back from Sanzo for a moment and averted his eyes as he stripped, watching the snow that drifted from the heavens like feathers from a bird. He let his clothes fall from his hands and stepped out of them, then returned to the bed. He could see Sanzo counting ceiling tiles wordlessly. 

_And here I boast being a good lover. Time to prove it._

He spat in his hand and slid his index finger into Sanzo's entrance, and Sanzo jerked his knees up to his chest. Gojyo traced a circle inside him, then slid in the middle finger alongside it. “A-ah,” Sanzo protested under his breath, eyes shut tight, toes curling. Gojyo grinned- he was still so tight, it was too easy to get a reaction once he started. He tested his fingers a few times, slid them in and out slowly, then spread them just enough to be noticeable. Sanzo stretched his jaw wide, but no words nor outcry escaped. And yet, Gojyo could feel his muscles contracting around his fingers as he delved in deeper, then pressed in. Sanzo did cry out softly at this, but the nerves screamed down to his rising erection. 

_Yeah, you're feeling it._ He continued to twist his fingers, twitching them fast and faster against the sweet spot he'd found. He heard Sanzo's breath catch and release unevenly, syncopated with his thrusts, unable to keep the air in him. Gojyo noticed he'd brought his hand to his mouth and started biting on the lowest phalange of his pinky finger to keep himself silent. Gojyo drew his fingers out slowly, teasing the tightest muscle on the way out. Sanzo gasped, but Gojyo scooted closer.

“See? I'm not so bad.” He drew his hips closer to Sanzo's exposed self, then spit on his hand again and rubbed it on his cock. He gently pushed himself in, and Sanzo took him in with a soft grunt, then bit down on his palm. Gojyo tugged Sanzo's legs around his waist, bracing him to his back, and began to slowly run his length in and out, in and out. Gojyo, however, was more interested in what was in front of him- he wrapped his fingers in a firm grip around Sanzo's dick and stroked. 

_Just like doing it to myself._

Sanzo's mouth fell open again, releasing his hand. He stuffed it back in as Gojyo continued both the motion of his hips and his hand. The veins throbbed in Gojyo's palm, the whole muscle alive and writhing in his grip. Gojyo smiled, and leaned down towards Sanzo again, his legs sliding down around his hips, as close as he could without letting go. “You don't have to say anything. You just have to come for me.” He squeezed, and Sanzo gasped again, then swallowed hard. Gojyo pressed the head of his cock as deep into Sanzo as he could, and leaned down to his ear. “Or for you. Do it for you- I'll never tell. I just wanna see it.” He tightened his grip, he pressed the pulsing vein. All the muscles in Sanzo's belly rolled, and he gasped one last time as the heat built up in the head of his cock escaped. It may as well have emitted plumes of steam in his hand when he drew it away. 

“You've let that build up forever, huh?”

“Shut up.” Sanzo slid his hand over his eyes. “Just... finish.” 

“I am.” Gojyo withdrew, still hot, still hard, but barely wet. His erection was still pulsing and aching for release, but he wiped his hand off on his side and got to his feet. “I've had enough.”

“You didn't-” 

“No, I'm done.” Gojyo scooped up his clothes, and Sanzo sat up. His back swayed uneasily, but he leaned forward and collapsed onto the sheet, staring up at Gojyo. He couldn't find any words dignified enough to express everything that Gojyo saw in his bewildered eyes. He smiled like he always did at the one-night-stands he'd walked away from- warmly, sweetly, lips spread but teeth hidden- and rubbed his cheek. “You've had enough, I've had enough. I said I'd be gentle, and I was, and I only left one mark.” He traced the thin red line he'd left on Sanzo's back, and Sanzo slapped his hands away. Gojyo laughed again. “I'm out.”

“And where are you going like that?” He glared at Gojyo's manhood. Gojyo chuckled and put his clothing over it. 

“I dunno. Maybe somewhere I can put it.”

“You'd leave me for someone else.” Sanzo stared, burying his fingers in the rumpled bedsheets. It would have sounded accusatory from any other voice, but Gojyo didn't hear that in his contrite tone- Sanzo was mocking him. 

“Do you care?” Gojyo put his hands on his hips.

“No.” Sanzo dropped to the mattress, and Gojyo caught a glimpse of something he'd never seen in Sanzo's face before- disappointment? Sorrow?

_Nah, he doesn't even know the meaning of those things. Me, though..._

“Yeah, didn't think so. See ya in the mornin'.” And with that he left, staggering from the blood rushing back to his head. The hallway was dim and cold as he crept away, his erection wilting. He couldn't stop thinking about it- he couldn't get him out of his head, he couldn't think of anything other than what he'd just walked away from. _Let him think I'm sleeping around._ He stumbled into his own room and his legs fell out from under him. He weakly threw his clothes over him, and feebly curled himself there. _Damn it. Here I thought I was going to teach him a lesson about having a lover like me. All I did was realize that I'm gonna crawl back, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow._ He watched the snow outside for a few more minutes, and whispered the words he couldn't say:

_“It's only you, baby. You're all I want.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the next chapter is mostly unchanged from the original, I think I'll post it next week, then get on with the never-before-seen scenes. Don't forget to leave a comment! Even if you thought it sucked. Remember, I can't improve if you don't tell me what needs improvement!


	3. The Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gojyo decides to return the favor to Sanzo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, new chapter!
> 
> Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters belong to Kazuya Minekura. I do not profit from their use.

**2: The Doubt**

Hakkai had done nearly everything in his power to try and bring back what he recognized as the normal Sanzo and Gojyo, but it seemed that it was no use. For three months now, he had watched them dance their strange dance around one another, neither speaking to the other. Sanzo even seemed to leave himself deliberately open to insult as a test:

“This tea is the worst I've ever had,” Sanzo grumbled one morning at breakfast in a small restaurant, as he dumped his cup onto his empty plate. “I'd probably get better from the berserk youkai.”

Hakkai knew exactly how this exchange was meant to go, Gojyo was supposed to reply, 'Then why don't you get some from them? I'm sure they'd enjoy your company!' Certainly not the best reply, but Hakkai didn't expect more this early in the morning. Instead, Gojyo got to his feet, muttering, “Yeah, yeah, let me go get you another. What was wrong with it?”

“Overbrewed.”

“I'll fix 'em,” Gojyo sighed, and shuffled off towards the kitchen. Hakkai nearly dropped his monocle at observing this- how had Sanzo tamed Gojyo in a single night? Somehow, he couldn't buy that a single argument and a blackened eye had done the trick, but it had been this way for two months and Hakkai couldn't fathom the change.

In a desperate attempt to rouse some reaction, to see some spark of the back-and-forth that had livened their trip, Hakkai had resorted to putting Goku in the front seat and forcing the two to sit next to one another in the back seat. However, nothing worked. The two simply folded their arms, and Gojyo looked away from Sanzo when they were in the Jeep. Even if Goku started an argument, Gojyo would remain silent, chewing his tongue until Sanzo forced Goku to be silent with a whack of the harisen. After a full day with the once-warring parties forced to ride together and absolutely no incident, Hakkai was genuinely worried about Gojyo. He knew very well that Sanzo probably got along perfectly well in this manner when he was alone, silent and brooding. In fact, the only thing that had changed was that Sanzo was not threatening violence against Gojyo, perhaps because Gojyo was doing nothing to him. However, it was apparent to Hakkai that Gojyo was deliberately avoiding arguments with his party members, and barely even speaking at times, holding himself back. 'How could he be happy like that?' he wondered, but no answers were apparent. Hakkai knew Gojyo, and the Gojyo he’d seen since December was not him.

“Gojyo, I worry for you,” Hakkai confessed in a serious voice, worry in his eyes. It had been two months since he’d noticed the change. The four of them were in a tavern like they were most nights, patching themselves up after encountering a particularly vicious tiger-like youkai. February had been bitterly cold thus far, and tonight was no exception. Gojyo was slumped backwards on a chair, straddling the back and slouching against the back rest, and Hakkai was knelt beside him. Sanzo was stretched out on the bed in the larger of their two rooms, examining the bandages on his arms and torso. Hakkai had patched them all up one after another, in order by injuries, from most severe to least severe. Gojyo had taken a fairly brutal beating, but Sanzo had burns up and down his body. Goku was last in line, with the extent of his wounds being a few bites (including one which left him now laying on the floor on his belly with his butt in the air, complaining about the pervy monster), and Hakkai didn‘t even need a ‘kiss it better.’ Gojyo was letting Hakkai clean his gashes out, but glanced over his shoulder apprehensively as this round of questioning began again. Hakkai had brought up the change in him often, and he didn’t know what to tell him. Gojyo tried to do what he normally did; shrug it off.

“I’m just tired, man. Real tired.” He remained still, his arm extended and shaking as Hakkai used his chi to close the gashes, then began to wrap the scars tightly in gauze.

“I worry for your health, then,” Hakkai replied, as he moved around Gojyo, and lowered his volume. “You saved my life and nursed me back to health once, and I owe you the favor and more. I consider myself your friend, and I would be remiss in allowing you to suffer.” Gojyo cursed quietly under his breath and lit a cigarette with his free hand.

“I really ain't got anything to tell you. Ain't nothin' to tell. Look at me. Do I look unhealthy to you? Do I look like I‘m suffering?” Gojyo gave Hakkai a sharp look, not realizing how ragged his breath was, nor how bloodshot his eyes. Hakkai’s meaningless smile returned.

“You look angry that I question you. If you don‘t want to talk, then I understand. Just know that you can talk to me any time at all.” Hakkai continued to bandage Gojyo, and Sanzo looked at him meaningfully, and Gojyo sighed, then chuckled softly to himself, thinking, ‘No, I can’t.’

Sanzo kept the contract on hand, rolled in his sleeve and just visible to Gojyo if he looked in it at the right angle, or if Sanzo shifted his arm just-so. It was a constant reminder of just what Gojyo had sworn to, and what he stood to lose. It was straightforward enough that even he could understand the rules: He knew that as long as he didn’t piss Sanzo off, he would get sex. If there was a day when he did not behave, he would go without. And thus far, he hadn't.

He also knew that he could not tell the others. As much as Gojyo liked to talk, this aspect was a particular challenge. He would have loved to tell Hakkai about how he was fucking Sanzo, about how good it was, but he knew that if he did, Hakkai would probably be disgusted or disappointed and Sanzo would cut him off completely. Neither of these options were especially appealing. And yet, if he could hold to these two terms, he could be sated and satisfied with his sex life.

To that end, he had entirely given up chasing women, fascinated only by his much easier conquest. This had caught Hakkai's attention as well, because he’d noticed that Gojyo was receiving less slaps to the face from waitresses, but Gojyo couldn't even be bothered to fake it. It burned him, because as much as he enjoyed himself when he was on top of Sanzo, he hated it. He didn’t hate that he was sleeping with a man- he got over it because it was fun. Besides, it's not like he'd taken him to bed- he took him to the floor, or against the wall. No, he hated not acting like himself, but moreover, he hated what he was doing. He knew, in some ways, that he was taking advantage of Sanzo. He also knew that Sanzo would start to loathe him rather than his current indifference if he didn’t at least make it worth Sanzo’s while. 

That was what had done it- that nagging guilt. It had set in the second night of their “arrangement,” and had grown and itched at him ever since. For all his pleading for sex with the excuse that it would help him sleep, now he couldn't sleep soundly. The previous night had been the worst: 

_Alone in the room, pinned to the bed, as it had been for so many nights now._ _Gojyo had been forcing himself to increase his endurance, to go longer, and Sanzo had not complained. He had not said anything. He never did, always silent, always bored, never betraying whether he even felt it. Gojyo had tried everything he could think of, from spanking to trying to jerk Sanzo off while he was mounting him. It was all futile- his resistance had only grown stronger. The silence made Gojyo's stomach turn._

_“Pretend I'm here,” Gojyo growled, and dug his fingers into Sanzo's hair. “Moan, or something!” Sanzo shivered, and suddenly gasped for air. “That's right- it does feel good, doesn't it?” He purred, and dragged his fingernails down Sanzo's hip as he thrust faster, his cock hot, tight, and swollen. Sanzo finally cried out, and Gojyo felt his passion build the pressure to the point where he couldn't hold it back anymore. His essence burst forth, his voice choked in his throat as everything he wanted to say caught there all at once, and he barely managed to pull himself back to let his seed fall onto the cushion rather than inside Sanzo. He panted to catch his breath, and Sanzo curled up into a ball, face in his knees. Gojyo pulled himself back, bloodless from the thighs down. “Y'know,” he panted, “I'm goddamn lucky to have you.” He collapsed onto his back, his head hanging off the edge of the bed. “Lucky, lucky me.” He closed his eyes and tried to breathe easy, until he heard Sanzo shift beside him._

_“Have you ever heard about the first time I killed a man?” Sanzo murmured softly, not sitting up. Gojyo was still trying to catch his breath. “He tried to force me to do what you have me do.” He rolled over onto his side and flailed his arm off the side of the bed to tug his gun out of his sleeve. “And now, I offer it willingly. What a strange world.” He cocked the gun, pointing it straight at the ceiling. “I killed a man to protect myself, and of all people I let in, it's you.” He mocked shooting the ceiling, and Gojyo held his tongue. “You're asleep already, aren't you?” Sanzo dropped the gun and pulled the pillow over his head. “It's not like it matters anyway. You got what you wanted.”_  

_Gojyo managed to slide his head back up onto the bed silently, and folded his hands under his head. 'That's how it is, huh,' he thought, the euphoria seeping away like it had dried on the bed sheet. 'You think I'm a total piece of shit now, huh?'_

Hakkai finished patching everyone up, and sighed contently, clapping his hands together. “Well, now we’re all feeling better. Shall we play cards to determine who shares rooms?” 

“I will not sleep if I must share a room with Goku,” Sanzo declared with only a moment's hesitation. He looked at Gojyo expectantly, who said nothing and hung his head, but Hakkai filled in the blanks. 

“And… Gojyo, you would not sleep if you had to share a room with Goku either.” 

“You guys are so mean to me!” Goku whined, throwing his fists down, and Sanzo reached up and swatted him across the forehead with his harisen.

“Shut up, idiot. You know very well you’d spend the whole night arguing with him,” Sanzo drawled impatiently, and rolled over on the bed again. 

“Same arrangement as we have had, then.” Hakkai rose to his feet and took up his pack in one arm. “Goku, come with me to the other room. Gojyo, since Sanzo’s injuries were worse, let him have the bed.” 

“No problem,” Gojyo replied nonchalantly, still staring at the blank wall from his chair. Hakkai paused, staring at Gojyo with a solemn, meaningful look. He knew that Gojyo should have argued back, but knew he wasn’t going to. He shook his head and left with Goku at his side, still chattering:

“Hey, Hakkai, why’s Goyjo acting like somebody died?” 

“Let’s get this over with,” Sanzo sighed, and he stretched himself out in preparation for fifteen minutes on his knees. This was his usual initiation of relations, and the extent of his foreplay. Gojyo stared lamely over at Sanzo from his chair, unwilling to move.

“I don’t wanna,” Gojyo mumbled through his cigarette, shaking his head. “I don’t want to do it, Sanzo. Something feels really wrong about all this.” Now was Sanzo’s turn to be taken aback, but his face didn’t show it. 

“Don’t joke around like you give a shit about how wrong it is. If you want your goddamn orgasm, you’ll come get it. Otherwise, I’ll just go to sleep.” Sanzo sat up and crossed his legs, leaning forward with a cold glare, as Gojyo pensively dragged on the cigarette, refusing to make eye contact. “Don’t tell me I’ve quelled your immeasurable passion.”

“You haven’t. I just want to make things feel right again. I’d like very much to sleep with you, Sanzo.” Gojyo shook his head again, his voice muffled by his hand over his mouth. He didn’t like the way his chest was tight; it made him feel like a small child, but he found the strength to stand and saunter towards the bed. Sanzo watched as Gojyo tossed the half-finished cigarette into the ashtray, wasting precious nicotine, but he was clearly indifferent to it. He stripped his shirt off and sat on the bed beside Sanzo. Sanzo‘s eyelid twitched with irritation, and Gojyo waited for a slap or a palm strike that didn't come. He wasn‘t rejecting him outright. “You’ve done too much for me,” Gojyo muttered in as tender a voice as he could muster for a man. “It’s time I returned the favor. Stick it in me.” 

“You want me to do what?” Sanzo replied, his brow shifting to an unreadable expression. 

“I mean it, you should do to me what I’ve been doing to you.” Gojyo’s voice was gentle, almost as though he were speaking to someone he cared about. Gojyo got to his feet, slid his pants off, and tied his hair back. Sanzo continued to stare, his eyes running up and down Gojyo’s chest and legs. Without clothes on, he looked much smaller: slender, though thicker than Sanzo. Sanzo stood up, and moved closer to Gojyo, almost touching him, fingers just outstretched. He studied Gojyo’s face, trying to read his game, but there was nothing he could read in his sharp features, nothing but anxiety and repression. Gojyo bent his head forward a bit, tempted to plant a kiss on Sanzo’s forehead, but knowing he shouldn’t. Sanzo finally nodded, and began to strip his robes down to his waist. Gojyo dropped to his knees on the futon, and Sanzo slowly removed his clothes and circled Gojyo like a shark. 

**(Suggested Track: “Time Is Running Out,” Muse)**

“Do you think I get some sort of sick pleasure out of letting you fuck me? I don’t.” Sanzo spoke slowly, deliberately, measuring each word. As he dropped his robe from his body onto the bed, his bandaged burns were revealed. Gojyo restrained a frown, his eyes following him, as Sanzo pursed his lips around his cigarette. “Do you think I actually enjoy our nightly encounters? I don’t. They are for your benefit.” Sanzo peeled his shirt from his chest and dropped it beside his robe. The bandages shifted, burnt skin showing briefly, but Gojyo didn’t care. Gojyo didn’t even need to drink to erect himself; Sanzo’s slender waist, firm muscles, and shapely hips were enough. He wanted him, no matter what was coming out of his mouth. 

He wanted him, that was certain. He just couldn’t bring himself to fuck Sanzo, something in his soul wouldn’t let him. He knew that it had to go the other way this time. His dull eyes followed the pacing priest, the glowing tip of the cigarette dancing in the moonlit room. “You look like a whore.” Gojyo flinched as Sanzo reflected his own initial sentiment; the way the words dripped lazily off his tongue made him feel worthless. Sanzo rolled the cigarette in his teeth, and circled Gojyo again. “Are you dead, Gojyo? I don‘t even recognize you.” 

Sanzo was behind Gojyo, and Gojyo closed his eyes and shook his head, preparing himself. He felt a jolt as Sanzo pressed one foot into his back, forcing him flat on his belly and knees bending his ass in the air. Gojyo winced as his thigh pressed into one of the wounds on his belly, but withheld a grunt of pain. Sanzo circled around in front of Gojyo, who bowed his head as if he had a modicum of respect for the man before him, but Sanzo grabbed Gojyo’s hair and pulled his head back up. Gojyo stared into Sanzo’s eyes. Purple, world-weary, utterly unreadable. Sanzo could see Gojyo’s eyes were wide- intimidated, unsure- and he pressed his lips against Gojyo’s lips, and his tongue into Gojyo’s cheeks. Gojyo inhaled deeply, smelling and tasting Sanzo. 

His scent… there were no words adequate in Gojyo’s mind to describe it. He didn’t smell clean, but he didn’t smell dirty, either. He had a soft musk, like old paper, like sand and dirt, like warmth. His flavor was the same- he possessed no words to describe it. Sweet, salty, sour, bitter- none of them fit. He couldn’t tell what was on his taste buds, other than it was warm, wet, and savory and he liked it. It was almost as good as an orgasm. Sanzo drew back from the kiss as abruptly as he’d begun it, and roughly grabbed the back of Gojyo’s neck. Gojyo was breathless, stunned, but Sanzo was in control.

He unzipped his jeans and yanked them down past his crotch, revealing only what was necessary. Gojyo barely had a second to survey Sanzo’s erect manhood- it was average in length, and looked clean- before Sanzo put it into Gojyo’s agape mouth. Gojyo had never seen it this close before, and only now did he wonder if he'd ever been this hard during any of their previous encounters, but that no longer mattered. Sanzo kept one head on the back of Gojyo’s head, muttering indistinctly as he tried to ease the head of his penis against Gojyo’s tongue. Gojyo looked up at Sanzo, wide-eyed, unsure, childlike, but Sanzo looked away from him. He didn't have to tell him what to do. Gojyo closed his lips around the shaft, offered a tentative suck, and ran his tongue along the bottom of Sanzo’s dick. Sanzo sighed softly, and Gojyo did recognize the distinct sound of relief. He drew his lips tighter, careful to keep his teeth out of the way. He ran the full length in and out of his mouth a few times, keeping his tongue moist and against the head as much as he could. Sanzo didn't speak, only managing a few soft gasps, but never moving his hand from the back of his neck.

Gojyo tried to keep his mind blank, but it kept driving him back to the same thoughts: Sanzo tasted good. He tasted like the world. Gojyo moaned softly, indicating his enjoyment, but Sanzo’s fingernails dug into the skin on the back of Gojyo’s neck, reminding him to stay silent. He muffled his protest against Sanzo’s flesh, bringing his lips tight around the shaft. Before Gojyo could continue, Sanzo yanked his flesh from Gojyo’s maw, and Gojyo panted for air, staring at the stiff rod wet with his own saliva. He ignored his own pulsing erection, and controlled the urge to grab Sanzo’s and finish the job. Sanzo leaned over Gojyo, staring down at him derisively, the cock still temptingly close to his mouth as Sanzo wiped the drool from Gojyo’s open lips with his middle finger.

“You disgust me,” he hissed, and slowly paced back behind Gojyo. Gojyo shivered with anticipation as he felt Sanzo press his palms into his back above his pelvic bone, and the weight shift as Sanzo got his bearing. Gojyo closed his eyes, quaking with anticipation that only dissolved when Sanzo slowly entered the hole, sending a chill through his whole body. Gojyo cried out, pained as he was stretched in a way he was sure he wasn’t supposed to stretch. He could feel Sanzo's every contour inside his body, throbbing like a bull's heart. He withdrew and thrust again, faster this time and more painful for it, but as Gojyo felt the pain even worse, it started to feel good in a sick way. On his third entrance, Sanzo hit a good nerve, and Goyjo moaned aloud. Sanzo stepped on Gojyo’s toes, and leaned over as he pressed himself deep against Gojyo’s prostate. “You make one more noise, I’ll kill you,” he whispered, and Gojyo grabbed the pillow and pressed his face into it to smother his cries. Sanzo slowly, slowly, slowly pulled his cock out, and thrust it back in with force. Gojyo felt his heart jump into his throat, but didn’t have time to recover as Sanzo gripped his hips and began to buck quickly. Sanzo was inexperienced, and it was obvious to Gojyo he was only doing what felt good for him. Even so, Gojyo was somewhere between pain and pleasure, and the pleasure was building up like boiling water. Sanzo had begun to grunt softly with each thrust of his hips, the sound like a drum, echoing his own heartbeat. He was clumsy, and his inexperience showed with his every motion. Gojyo winced, pressing his backside into Sanzo as he tried to keep himself in.

“S-Sanzo, slow down,” Gojyo pleaded as quietly as he could, hoping Sanzo didn’t take him the wrong way and stop. He had lost count of how many times this treatment had already driven a wave of orgasmic pleasure through his body, but he wanted it to last, pleading with his own mind, _'One more minute, give me one more minute, I'll never ask for more!'_ It hurt like hell but felt wonderful at the same time. He knew Heaven and had seen it now, but Sanzo, no, Sanzo couldn't. He growled, and then, once more, very slowly drew his cock out, then rammed it back in. Gojyo bit the pillow again, as Sanzo continued to crash into Gojyo, bending his hips, pushing Gojyo out and stretching him. Gojyo braced himself against the leg of the bed with one hand and pounded the floor with one fist, feeling the gashes on his chest strain as he tried to breathe, tried to hear himself think, and failed on all counts. Before either of them could realize it, Sanzo let out a sharp breath, and Gojyo felt him cum inside him, the heat like a fever inside of him. His own cock was damp and throbbing as it released its pressure, and he left his fluids spilled on the floor, too weak to do anymore. Sanzo slowly withdrew his member, and Gojyo fell forward onto his chest, his naked body still hunched over.

“You liked that,” Sanzo muttered, as he shuffled to the washroom. “Sick bastard.” Gojyo failed to find words, but instead let his quivering hand flop lamely through the pile of his clothes. He found his cigarette pack and matches, and rolled onto his back. His hands were shaking like he’d been beaten. He managed to place a cigarette on his lower lip and began trying to light his lighter. Sanzo was over him, after he finished washing himself, and he took the lighter from Gojyo and one of the cigarettes from his pack. Sanzo lit his cigarette first, then handed the flickering flame back to Gojyo so he could light his. “You never answered me. Are you dead? You‘re starting to look like a corpse.” Gojyo panted, unable to summon any more words. Sanzo scoffed. “You’re going to want something for that blood.”

Sanzo vanished back to the bathroom, and Gojyo felt a towel land on his belly. He picked his head up, looking for the blood Sanzo spoke of, and realized that one of the gashes on his torso had been opened. He tried to rearrange the bandages, but he couldn’t sit himself up to see. With a deep, reluctant sigh, Sanzo knelt over him and fixed them himself, and pressed the towel over the blood that had seeped onto the floor and marred his skin. As Sanzo’s pale hands flitted across the natural tan of his belly, Gojyo took a slow drag on his cigarette. He rolled the smoke in his mouth to try and forget the taste of Sanzo’s tongue, even as he dabbed at the wounds he‘d opened.

“Thank you,” he murmured, shaking his head, then tilting it back. Sanzo didn’t reply or ask him what he was thanking him for, but instead roughly dragged Gojyo’s body straight, put the pillow over his head, and dropped the quilt over his body.

“Just go to sleep, Gojyo,” Sanzo ordered wearily, repeating Gojyo’s instructions from the first time they lay with one another, and he took the cigarette butt from Gojyo’s lips and smashed it in the ashtray. Something in his voice seemed to sound gentle, but Gojyo filed that notion under post-sex delirium and let his eyes close, ignoring the terrible insecurity of feeling like a child, pushing aside every ache in his body. He simply slept.

* * *

 

In the morning, Hakkai entered Gojyo and Sanzo’s room. The latter was fully dressed, smoking his first cigarette of the day and staring out the window. Gojyo was tangled in the quilt like he was in a spider’s web. Sanzo glanced at Hakkai, and greeted him with a nod. Hakkai nodded back, and knelt by Gojyo.

“Blood?” Hakkai looked at Sanzo. “What happened?”

“He tripped,” Sanzo replied, not moving the cigarette from his lips. “He bent his waist the wrong way and it opened.”

“Oh.” Hakkai didn’t believe him, and Sanzo could tell. Hakkai began to examine Gojyo’s body, his face stuck in its usual smile, hiding his worry. Gojyo opened his eyes as Hakkai looked over the bandages on his belly. “Good morning.” Gojyo smiled slightly, not speaking. “Did you sleep well?” Gojyo nodded, the smile on his face fading. The pain of his still-open wounds and the bruises on his hips and the soreness of his insides were starting to rock his stomach, and he couldn't think straight. Hakkai put his hand on his forehead. “Hmm. You don’t look well, but you don’t feel feverish. Gojyo, do you feel well?” Gojyo rapidly shook his head, and the severity of the pain finally won out over his gag reflex. He quickly rolled from his back to his knees, pushed himself to his feet, and stumbled to the toilet. He heaved, and Hakkai rushed after him, pulling Gojyo’s sloppy ponytail back over his shoulders as he emptied what little was in his stomach. Sanzo shook his head and sighed.

“You overdid yourself,” he muttered, and filled a cup with water from the basin. He left it in Gojyo’s reach. “I’ll go take care of breakfast.” Gojyo retched harder at the mention of food, and Hakkai shooed Sanzo away with one hand. Hakkai rubbed Gojyo’s back, as he continued trying to bring up stomach acid.

“Gojyo, has Sanzo been hurting you?” Hakkai asked in a serious voice. “There’s something very wrong between you two.” He pulled Gojyo upright, and forced him to drink the water. Gojyo shook his head, and immediately leaned over to reject the water. The pain of his injuries echoed back, made worse every second he had to bend his middle, until even swallowing made him more nauseous, catching him in a vicious cycle. Hakkai sighed softly, and stood by his friend, who still couldn't and wouldn't speak.

There was something wrong, and Hakkai knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 will be posted next week. Leave a comment, and I'll see you then!


	4. Enlightenment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gojyo discovers that bliss and cruelty are entwined when it comes to Sanzo. Later, the Merciful Goddess has a surprise for him and the rest of the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I made cover art. It can be found here: http://tinyurl.com/p8q6ehk I'm not an artist, but that doesn't mean I can't try!
> 
> I also wish to make a quick note on pronouns: as Kanzeon Bosatsu is, in universe, a hermaphrodite, I have chosen to use gender-neutral pronouns for hir from here on out; specifically, se (equivalent to he and she) and hir (meaning his and her.) I'm going to check back to hir first appearance and ensure that I make this consistent.
> 
> Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters are not mine.

**3: Enlightened**

Gojyo was not used to discomfort- not in this sense. He had starved before, he knew the pain of an empty stomach. He knew dehydration, he knew headaches, he knew hangovers, and he'd been beaten up more times than he could count. His first time being penetrated wasn't even the first time he'd been in so much pain he'd thrown up, and he blamed that more on his opened wounds anyway. However, the discomfort was more than just the soreness from how roughly he'd been treated, nor the continuing sting of his healing wounds. It felt like a worm in his heart, writhing and twisting against his ribcage- guilt? No, why would he be guilty? Gojyo could only lean on the wall of the car and grumble under his breath, staring, mute, out at the vast, empty expanse of snow-obscured land. “Indigestion,” he muttered to himself, waving away the unpleasant sensation- or at least pretending to. He didn't notice that the two in the front seat had their eyes on him in the rear view mirror, each for their own reasons.

**(Suggested Track: “Do It With a Rockstar,” Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra)**

That night, Gojyo made himself comfortable in his own, albeit small, inn room for once, kicking his feet up over the edge of the bed and folding his arms under his head. He was tired from a day on the road, and still feeling sick. He'd tried to settle his churning stomach with a few- well, a few dozen- gulps of sake over dinner, but it hadn't helped. He heard the door to one of the adjoining rooms open and shut, followed by light footfalls across the floor.

“What'cha need, bro?” He didn't sit up, expecting Hakkai to respond. He did not, but the footsteps silenced. In less than a breath, Sanzo's hands were on his shoulders, his eyes only an eyelash away from his.

“You didn't forget, did you?” Sanzo growled, the bed creaking as his weight shifted over him. “I'm here to put you to sleep.” Gojyo could almost feel the wheels in his head slowly turning, muddling through the alcoholic haze.

“Uh... I'm not hard. Ain't gonna get hard- drunk,” Gojyo mumbled, and tried to push Sanzo off.

“You don't have to be hard,” Sanzo drawled into Gojyo's ear, leaning closer. “Lift your legs.”

“B- Sanzo-”

“Do you want to fuck or not?” Sanzo snapped, already midway through removing his shirt.

Gojyo had no response- Sanzo, coming on to him? Gojyo could only take the sneer in Sanzo's lip and the bulge in his pants one way. “Fine. I'm okay with hate-fucking--”

“Shut your mouth. I don't want to hear you.” Sanzo dragged Gojyo's pants from his body, and Gojyo bit down on his arm and braced himself on the headboard. Sanzo spit into his palm, rubbed it onto his already-stiff manhood, held Gojyo's legs over his head, and plowed himself deep into Gojyo in a swift, violent jab. Gojyo yelped into his arm, unable to stop the tears in his eyes from streaking his cheeks. Sanzo's motions were fast and unpracticed, as they had been, but he had clearly found the lump of nerves that made Gojyo's toes curl and was doing everything he could to strike it with the head of his cock, a hammer to his anvil. “I dare you to make a single noise,” Sanzo snarled, but Gojyo shook his head, still seeing the contract sticking out of Sanzo's robe. The walls shook, the aging paint starting to chip off as the headboard hit the wall over and over and over. Sanzo came in less than three minutes, and Gojyo couldn't complain, still shaking from his shoulders down. “Did you like it? Was that good for you?” Sanzo's voice held none of the tenderness this sentence usually came with, but instead was soft and dangerous as he pulled out, still dripping.

“Y-yeah.” Gojyo's hand drifted to his legs, which were slick with his own fluid. “Was... good... sleep...”

“Then sleep,” said Sanzo, his lip still curled and his brow furrowed, swiping his shirt and robe from the ratty carpeting and slipping back out of the room. He was gone like a blue moon, leaving only the scent of his sex and sweat and Gojyo's own quivering confusion.

He barely remembered it in the morning through his dizzying hangover and the day-long nausea. He didn't have time to think about it around the day's attack by a group of marauders. He did remember that night, when Sanzo dragged him from his sleeping bag and deeper into the copse they'd parked in.

“Let's go further out. Gods, you smell foul.” Sanzo yanked Gojyo by the wrist, ignoring that Gojyo stumbled over the roots and rocks jutting from the ground through a thin layer of snow.

“W-wait- you really wanna do it? Out here?” Gojyo felt the grin in his cheeks- somehow, this was more debauchery than he was used to, and that was never a bad thing. Sanzo grunted, then pushed his face into the bark of a tree.

“Drop trou and hold your tongue.” Gojyo took a breath and obeyed, and Sanzo was inside him again. “Colder than a-” Sanzo grunted, and Gojyo's jaw popped open, his outcry escaping in a squeak. “Corpse!” Gojyo's forehead kept hitting the tree, and the rapture rolling from his belly up was threatened to be eclipsed by the bark in his skin. Sanzo made no noise but for a few hisses and guttural growls, and it was all Gojyo could do to keep himself from shouting. Why did it have to hurt so much to feel this good? Sanzo finished with all the heat and effort he had the previous night, and pulled back. He hadn't even left enough time for his muscle to finish the spasm, and stood, shuddering, as Gojyo collapsed to his knees. Both panted thoughtlessly for what felt like a long time, Gojyo on the ground, and Sanzo with his head tilted back, staring towards the branches obscuring the moon.

“Thank you. I'll find my own way back.” Gojyo was the first to speak.

“You really do like that.” Sanzo yanked his pants back up, brushing the snow from his knees. “You... freak. You want me to do that.”

“You let me do it enough. I still owe you that.” Gojyo shook his head.

“You... owe... Idiot!” Sanzo tossed his robe back over his shoulders and turned away. Gojyo waited, listening to the sounds of the forest around him and shivering in the winter wind. He found a cigarette in his pants pocket and smoked, letting the nicotine calm his shaking. He finally had the presence of mind to question his situation- since when was he letting Sanzo top? Why wasn't he insisting on the other way?

“Do I... like it?” He dragged on his cigarette slowly, the ash dissolving quickly into the snow drifts. He shifted his weight- the moisture in his pants was starting to chafe. “I dunno. But... does he think I do?” He snorted. “Maybe he just don't care. Maybe I don't either.”

Gojyo made it back to camp a half-hour after Sanzo, but though his libido was satisfied, he couldn't sleep. Instead, he settled himself in his pack with a bottle of sake and sipped it until dawn came and he finally conked out.

That was the precursor of what the next seven nights would hold. Gojyo started drinking heavily before bed, numbing himself for the moment Sanzo would come and pull him from his bed, flip him to his belly or push him against the wall. It was quick, and it was violent, but Gojyo couldn't or wouldn't say no. He didn't want to say no, and his body didn't say no either. Even when Sanzo was pounding him against a cold shower tile, or pushing his face into the carpet and making his cheeks sting with rug burn, he got off in a good way. It was better than coming in a woman- it made his toes curl, his cheeks hot, his belly quake, his mind was blown, and he didn't have to cuddle after. Even being drunk didn't dull that sensation, and that was a good thing, because the pain in the morning turned his stomach inside out every time. _'If I had to feel this while I was trying to get off,'_ he thought to himself, _'then I probably wouldn't.'_

Gojyo didn't care that Sanzo was near-brutalizing him with the ferocity of his strokes and how hard he gripped his thighs and hips. He thought the fingertip-shaped bruises under his clothes looked cool, and the soreness played into the pleasure of the orgasm and stung back as a nice reminder in the morning. The only problem were the words that came out of Sanzo's mouth every time they fucked.

“Sick freak, how can you like this?” His voice was like gravel around his cigarette- Gojyo wasn't sure when he'd started smoking during the act. He couldn't talk back or say anything, focusing too hard on keeping his legs wrapped around Sanzo's waist. For their tenth time out, Sanzo had pinned him on the floor of the inn room they shared, scraping Gojyo's back and bumping his head on the floor with each thrust. Gojyo had lacked the presence of mind to grab a pillow. Gojyo tried to hold himself up, but Sanzo's hand shot out and dug his fingers into his scalp, pulling on his hair and holding his head to the floor. Gojyo felt tears spring to his eyes from the sudden rush of pain, but bit on his lip and held back the outcry. With a few last gasps, Sanzo finished, and abruptly dropped Gojyo. Gojyo caught his breath and pushed himself to his elbows as Sanzo drew back and exhaled a long drag of smoke. “You make it so difficult.” Sanzo rubbed his face, fingers catching on the bags under his eyes.

_'You're one to talk,'_ Gojyo's snap instinct was to retort, but he caught himself before his mouth opened. Instead, he wiped his eyes and smoothed his hair back. “Thank you,” he said, hanging his head low as Sanzo stood. The light from behind him illuminated his silhouette, the crook of his elbow as he took his cigarette in deep, his slender back and waist contrast to his sharp shoulder blades. The light glinted off his eyes, narrow like a snake's. Gojyo felt like he was standing before an unkind god. The sentiment was proved, when Sanzo reached out and grabbed Gojyo by the neck.

“You're still thanking me?” Sanzo lifted Gojyo up. “How dare you!” Gojyo held his tongue again, but he felt an old terror welling up in him. Instead, he made his limbs limp, a rag doll in Sanzo's hands, and let Sanzo throttle him. “I don't want your filthy gratitude!” Sanzo threw Gojyo down and dropped his cigarette onto his bare thigh. Gojyo yelped and swiped the ash off of his skin, and pulled his leg in to watch the welt rise. However, Sanzo brought his fist down onto Gojyo's head. “Don't. Make. A sound.” Gojyo curled up again, cringing as his nerves and muscles all contracted. The alcohol wasn't numbing the pain anymore. Sanzo left him alone there without another word.

And Gojyo still couldn't resist. A blizzard had cascaded all day and into the evening, and Hakkai had been loathe to travel, so they had stayed, mostly to themselves but for a few hours of card games between all but Sanzo, who had isolated himself with his newspaper and blazed through the cigarettes he had on hand. Hakkai had noticed the bruises on Gojyo's neck, but asked nothing. Gojyo said little himself- he was anticipating it, waiting for it, desperate for it, and afraid of it. He entirely lost count of how many bottles of sake he'd emptied before Hakkai cut him off.

The pouring rain continued into the night. Sanzo came to his inn room again, but this time, he had a gentler hand. Gojyo wondered if mounting him on the bed, on his hands and knees and kneading his hands on the small of his back was his way of offering mercy, or an apology for hitting him. But the hate still spilled out; “Make some noise, damn you. Tell me you can feel it.” Gojyo unclenched his jaw, but he was too accustomed to holding back, and nothing came out. Sanzo put his hand on the back of Gojyo's head mid-thrust, and Gojyo's forehead hit the wall on the next push. “What do I have to do?!” Sanzo pulled back, and flipped Gojyo onto his back. “What will make you react?!” He panted, catching his breath, and pushed his thumb and fingers down over his neck again. Gojyo's breath caught in his throat, but Sanzo dove onto him and forced a hard, sloppy kiss onto his mouth. Gojyo choked briefly, but Sanzo pulled back, then kissed him again. The light in the room seemed to dull briefly, as Gojyo was overwhelmed by the rush of his taste, and licked his lips. He tried to sit up, but Sanzo pushed him back down and spread Gojyo's legs again. His cock was hard and hot, and his motions forceful. Gojyo finished after less than a minute, still reeling, eyes rolled up into his head. Sanzo withdrew once Gojyo ceased his spasm, still hard, still wet, and he stumbled for the door, eyes narrow and lit with inexplicable rage.

“W-wait.” Gojyo held out his hand, reaching for Sanzo, and Sanzo pivoted on his heel, only briefly dipping to grab his robe. Gojyo tried to catch his breath and rolled himself up to his knees, trembling against the rumpled sheets, before losing balance and tumbling to the floor. He landed on his hands and knees, and Sanzo's eyes fixed on him. Gojyo lost all will, and clamped his mouth shut.

“Fucking corpse, tell me what you want!” Sanzo clenched his fists and strode back towards Gojyo, his erection already sinking. Gojyo lowered his eyes, ready for the hit, but everything inside of him glaciated. He knew what he wanted to say, but he was struck dumb with the weight of it all. The rage left Sanzo's face and voice, and he glared down at Gojyo. “What do you want?” His voice sounded calm, but Gojyo cringed because he could sense the tempest under Sanzo's eyes, he could feel it like an oncoming storm. Sanzo gritted his teeth. “Come on.” He spread his palm and slapped Gojyo across the face. “I'm hurting you, why aren't you doing anything about it?” He wound back and slapped him again. “Fight back.” And again. Gojyo didn't flinch, didn't move, stared to the floor and blanked his face. “Dodge.” He hit him again. “Something.” Gojyo's cheek was starting to bruise. “Anything!” Sanzo seized him by the neck again and lifted him from the floor. “Pretend it hurts! Pretend you like it! Pretend it means a single fucking thing to you!”

“It... it hurts.” Gojyo looked away, and Sanzo dropped him. “I want you to stop hurting me.” He folded his knees in, and the worm that had twisted its way into his heart finally unfurled itself into a cogent thought: “I love and hate the way you make me feel, and I don't know what to do anymore.”

“You smell of death!” Sanzo's tone was still sharp. The walls seemed to close in around them, the darkness ensuing. “You'd let me kill you just so you can get off?!”

“I've been good, haven't I? I behaved, just like you asked.” Gojyo felt the bitter smile spread his lips thin, but Sanzo could hear the plea in his voice. “Don't that contract work both ways? I have to fuck you, same as you have to fuck me.” He put his fists on the floor, his cheeks sore from forcing his smile, his back and body aching from the abuse. “I'll do what you want, so both of us can sleep. And if you have to hurt me so you can get off, then fine. I'll be okay.”

Sanzo sucked in and spit out a succession of deep breaths, his chest expanding and contracting rapidly, and he finally screamed aloud, wordlessly, senselessly. The cold lamp light illuminated an emotion Gojyo had never seen strike his cheeks before, but one he couldn't name. Anguish? Confusion? Pain? He threw his empty hand at the ground, his eyes lit by the moon outside rather than the darkness around him. “You King of Rats, would I never had to smell your corpse again!” With that, he stormed out and slammed the door behind him. Gojyo crawled up onto the bed, shaking as the adrenaline left his body, like the opening of the door had vacuumed his energy out. 

“That son of a bitch actually feels bad about all this.” He fished his pants out from under the bed, found his lighter and cigarettes. “He feels the way I did. And god damn did I hate that feeling.” He lit up and rolled from his belly to his back, the smoke drifting into the air. He kicked the lamp off of the end table, killing it for good with a tinkling crash, and chuckled to himself. “But this is Enlightenment, isn't it? Fuck the darkness.”

He woke two hours later, tangled in his bedsheets that stuck to the sweat beading his skin. His stomach churned, and the room appeared like some giant had picked it up and was tilting it back and forth. He staggered from his bed into a wall, then into the commode, and his stomach turned out. It still made his nose run and his eyes water, but his throat was so sore from more than a week of this that all of that barely registered. More than that, he didn't notice when the door to his room opened and shut again- he only knew it had happened when he felt someone's hands on his back, thin fingers rubbing his shoulders. He couldn't turn around to look, and yet the touch was comforting. He tried to look up around tears through his eyes into the darkness to thank Hakkai, but he couldn't quite see who it was and had to turn his head down to keep everything coming out of his mouth in the toilet. All he knew was that when he finally collapsed onto the floor, whoever it was had left him, and he clenched his fists tight.

“No more.”

* * *

 

The next night, as the party moved on westward, Gojyo began to take steps to protect both him and Sanzo. They made camp for the night near a half-frozen riverbed for their nightly entertainment, but Gojyo missed most of the games. He drank himself into a stupor long before Sanzo could make an advance, and passed out deeply enough that no rousing would wake him. Nothing could have woken him, except the stench of his own sick on his clothing in the morning. 'Not going to drink that much again,' he decided without a second thought, tacitly thankful that Hakkai had laid him on his side. Putting on his shirt after washing it in the icy river only made him double-down on that decision.

The night after that, Gojyo passed out in an inn tavern. He'd drunk slower, drunk more water, but still got himself loaded to the point where his vision went black and his eyes no longer opened. He still had to be carried to the party's shared inn room, but woke in the early hours of the morning. Sanzo was sitting at the end of his bed, staring at him over the edge of his newspaper. Gojyo opened his mouth to try and protest, but Sanzo held his finger over his own lips. It wouldn't have done him any good anyway- Gojyo clammed his mouth shut to try and swallow the coming nausea. “You need a bucket.” Sanzo put his paper down and brought the wastebasket closer. Gojyo rolled to the floor and held on tight as though the bucket was about to roll away. He could find no words of gratitude- his mouth was otherwise occupied. He fell asleep when his stomach was empty, without another word from Sanzo.

The next night, at another inn, it was Goku who greeted him when he opened his eyes with his gut churning and his intestines twisting into knots. Goku was still asleep in a chair beside his bed, and had in his hands an empty chum bucket that he must have acquired from a fisherman. The smell of rotting fish was more than enough to trigger his gag reflex. When his stomach finally emptied out, he shoved the bucket back into Goku's lap and rolled over to return to sleep.

In the morning, Hakkai pulled Gojyo aside from the breakfast table. “I've been counting for the past three days. You've consumed approximately double the amount of blood a person has in their body in spirits. You need to stop.”

“What the hell are you talkin' about? I always drink like this.” Gojyo folded his arms and turned his eyes away. Goku and Sanzo were watching their conversation, Goku with worried interest, Sanzo with annoyance. 

“No, you haven't. You've been drinking much more lately, and you've been sick every day for the last two weeks. I won't have it anymore, Gojyo.” Hakkai was still smiling as sweetly as he always did, but he rested a firm hand on Gojyo's wrist. “I don't know what's causing this- if you're stressed from being on the road so long, or if you're bored, or if it's something else- but you can tell me anything, I won't judge you. But you're making yourself sick.”

“Well, duh. I kinda noticed.” Gojyo rolled his eyes. 

“Goku saw blood in your vomit this morning.” This halted Gojyo, as Hakkai cocked his head. Morning light made his deep green eyes look kinder than usual, despite the seriousness of his message. “You're hurting yourself. Please, for your own sake-”

“What he's saying,” Sanzo interrupted from the table, “is that if you're going to try and kill yourself, I'll loan you my pistol, but find a way that's quicker and that we don't have to clean up after.” Both Gojyo and Hakkai turned to look at Sanzo, Gojyo with a glare, and Hakkai with a small sigh. 

“Something along those lines.” Hakkai took hold of Gojyo's shoulder again, making their eyes meet though Gojyo tried to look at the floor. “But more than that, we're in too high-risk of a situation for you to be at any less than your best.” 

“Fine. Fine! Just 'cause you asked so nicely.” Gojyo tightened his arms anxiously. “I'll cut back. I will.”

“Thank you.” Hakkai's smile brightened, and he pulled Gojyo back to the breakfast table to begin the day. 

From there, it stopped. Gojyo stopped drinking, and Sanzo stopped coming to him in his bed. Gojyo didn't even mind anymore. He wouldn't deny that he was in the mood for sex- because he was. He really was. He almost felt himself start to itch from it, like he was going through withdrawal. The alcohol withdrawal was just as bad- he still threw up each morning for a few days after stopping cold turkey, but it petered out after that.

“Just a fluke. That's all it was,” Hakkai had reassured both Gojyo and himself after two days without either alcohol or sickness. “Too much drink, perhaps a bit of exhaustion.” Gojyo managed a weak smile, but he couldn't pretend that things were normal.

He still behaved the way Sanzo wanted him to act- quiet, docile, chewing his lip when provoked and holding his tongue with all his might. But Sanzo offered him nothing, and though Gojyo wasn't sure why, he didn't care. Hakkai noticed his timid behavior, but excused it, thinking, 'Perhaps he's still feeling unwell.' The trouble started when it became true two weeks after he stopped drinking.

“I didn't drink, I swear!” Gojyo found himself pleading around pale lips and his own queasy, green hue. He tried to kick dirt over the mess, wishing he'd made it just a few meters further from their camp site, wishing the snow hadn't already melted so he could have used that instead. Hakkai sighed, pushing his monocle back up his nose and looking away. “Bro, wait-”

“No, I believe you.” Hakkai turned back towards him. “I can't smell it in your sweat, and I normally can. It's not like you've bathed it off yet. Let's just hope you ate something bad.”

“Didn't you cook everything we ate last night?” Goku looked up from tying his shoes. Hakkai considered this, then chortled nervously into his fist.

“Well, let's just see how the rest of us fare!” Sanzo and Goku both winced at the thought.

Gojyo was the only one who got ill that day. However, he was ill the day after that, and the day after that, and so on every single day. Every morning, he was ill, and sometimes during the day or even in the evening. He spent much of the time in the Jeep asleep, complaining of tiredness whenever awoken. He complained about the smell of exhaust, and soon, the smell of food- and they soon started to make him ill as well, whenever the smell became too much. Worse was when he was unable to even look at food, let alone eat it. Goku, of course, reaped the benefits of this, as they had ordered or prepared enough for four and Gojyo would shove his portion to Goku and mope away from the table, covering his mouth and nose. After Gojyo consumed nothing but water- and failed to retain it- for a day, Hakkai intervened yet again:

“My qi-gong should be able to heal you enough to let you eat,” he offered as he, Sanzo, and Goku waited for their breakfast at a cafe table and Gojyo avoided it from a meter away. “I should be able to patch up whatever it is that's ailing you.”

“Wait, won't that let you read my mind and shit?” Gojyo winced, as he knew exactly what was in his mind. “I mean, surface wounds and all are fine, but-”

“I've gone deeper than that, and you know it. I would never read too deeply into your ki without your expressed permission. Your business and scars are your own.” Hakkai opened his hands. “I'll cure what internal ailments I can find without looking too closely. Deal?”

“Deal.” Gojyo joined them at the table, and Hakkai enclosed Gojyo's palm in his.

“Hmm.” He pushed a few pressure points on Gojyo's palm, and Gojyo grimaced as a burning sensation spread through his veins. His stomach went numb, then his head, and the nausea receded for the first time in two weeks. “Better?”

“Yeah.” Gojyo shook his hand off, examining the soft flesh under his fingers where Hakkai had pressed. “So, did'ja see what it is makin' me sick?”

“Unfortunately, no.” Hakkai maintained his blithe smile, and Sanzo scoffed and began to drum his fingers on the table. Gojyo hid a frown with a blank look. “I suppose I'd have to go deeper.”

“Let's leave it for now. Food's up.” He waved to the waitress, and managed to consume a full, solid meal.

Even this therapy from Hakkai wasn't enough, as it only seemed to help him keep food down about a third of the time, and never the previous night's dinner. His strange illness seemed to only progress, with aches and pains in his ankles and back springing up from nowhere, and while Hakkai tried to cure his woes, he couldn't find anything noticeably wrong. He dragged Gojyo to doctors in two separate towns, to no avail- no potion nor pill resolved his ailment. It seemed nothing would help, and frustration with the situation only seemed to rise by the day. Things finally came to a head after three weeks.

The Sanzo party found themselves stopped one morning just outside of a small mountain town, having car troubles. The snow had long melted, and April was beginning to warm. The wind was gusty, the air clear, and the trees were green with newborn leaves. The season had turned pretty, but relations between the party were, at the moment, sour at best. Sanzo was sitting on the steps of the inn, smoking one after another and adding to a pile of butts on the ground. Goku was chasing a pigeon, ignored by the adults of the group. Gojyo was laying on the porch flat on his front, smoking very slowly and weakly dragging in the fumes, watching Hakkai through wearied eyes and ignoring his chills. Hakkai was arguing with the one among them who shouldn‘t have been able to argue: the car.

“Now, Hakuryu, I know that Gojyo has been ill in your back seat twice in the past three days, but you must be merciful to him. He cannot help where he has to vomit, especially on the bumpy roads.” Hakkai spoke to the dragon, who responded unintelligibly with a series of chirrups and trills. Gojyo sighed, as Sanzo gave him a soft glare. Gojyo tried to ignore it as best as he could.

“Yes, we have taken him to see an apothecary. We’ve taken him to two. Neither could help him. They gave him medicine, and it didn‘t help.” Hakuryu squealed. “Yes, they must be idiots unworthy of being called doctors, but that doesn’t mean we can do anything about it.” Hakuryu snorted. “The priest? No, Sanzo's not magic. He can call on the power of the gods, but that’s not magic. Not really.” Hakuryu chirped a few times. “I tried using my qi- no, what do you mean?” Hakuryu and Hakkai both looked over at Gojyo, and then back at each other. “If they want to keep things under the surface, they will, it‘s not my place-”

“Hakkai, tell the Jeep to get over it and just transform!” Goku stomped his feet, and his pigeon flitted away. Hakuryu whined and dove into Hakkai’s satchel. Hakkai sighed.

“He says he’s not going anywhere with Gojyo.” There was a distinct clicking as Sanzo cocked his pistol, but Hakkai hugged his satchel/dragon/mode of transportation to his chest.

“Just leave me here.” Gojyo pressed his mouth into his arm, staring at the sandy ground. “I’m useless. I’ll only be in your way.”

“Okay!” Goku bounded towards Hakkai. “Get the Jeep ready, let‘s go!”

“Stupid monkey!” Sanzo and Gojyo snapped at the same time, as Sanzo slapped Goku over the head with his fan.

“I was being sarcastic,” Goyjo added.

“It’s hard to tell when you talk like that!” Goku covered his head, but Sanzo withdrew the fan.

“We are not going to go anywhere without Gojyo. We’re friends, and you know if it were you, Goku… Never mind.” Hakkai sighed and revived his smile, folding his hands. “Well, Hakuryu scouted about last night. He tells me there’s a Buddhist sanctuary about twenty kilometers up the mountain.”

“Then we shall go, and I shall try to consult the spirits for the source of Gojyo’s illness. I suspect our enemies have something to do with this.” Sanzo glanced at Gojyo again, who shrunk from his gaze.

“Then we shall walk.” Hakkai’s smile was as peaceful as always, but Goku and Gojyo moaned in disgust. Sanzo rolled his eyes, but folded his hands within his robe and stood. He walked directly past Gojyo and Hakkai and started his way up the dirt path. Goku, still complaining, scampered along behind him. Hakkai helped Gojyo to his feet, and Gojyo dragged himself forward.

“I can’t believe you guys are really putting up with me.” Gojyo slouched, and Hakkai ran his arm around Gojyo’s neck and helped him stay upright. Gojyo focused on the back of Sanzo’s head, following the sun he perceived through his bleary, sleepy eyes. Hakkai rubbed Gojyo’s cheek with his hand, and lifted his chin up.

“I’ll take care of you, like you took care of me.”

“Aw, come on, we're not still hung up on that old news, are we? Will you stop being my friend when you don’t owe me anymore?” Gojyo chuckled, and Hakkai laughed as well. 

“I’ll always owe you in some way. You gave me the kick in the pants I really needed right when I needed it. You made me live when I wanted to die.” Hakkai gave Gojyo a very brief hug, one that Gojyo did not reject. “No matter what this is, I’ll stick with you.” Hakkai had watched Gojyo like a hawk since the first day he fell ill, and he knew now more than ever that Gojyo was unhealthy- would Gojyo, in a clear state of mind, have shared an embrace? He had to do something, even though Gojyo wouldn't let him any closer.

* * *

 

Hakkai wasn’t the only one watching Gojyo carefully. A certain youkai prince had chanced to see Gojyo vomiting violently in the street while passing by, and went to his subordinates with his concerns. His two loyal retainers, without question, followed the heroes towards the mountains and had watched their departure. Once they were well out of earshot, Yaone slipped into daylight and gathered Sanzo and Gojyo’s cigarette butts and put them in separate sample bags. Since she couldn't tell the brand from the butts alone, she was certain would take a while to check through and determine which belonged to whom. She wanted an alternative, and with a jeweler's glass, she soon found it near where Gojyo had been laying. A single long red hair came into view, and Yaone picked it up with a pair of tweezers and put it in a test tube. “Doku,” she called over her shoulder, and Dokugakuji rolled from his hiding spot on the roof and landed beside Yaone. “I’ve got enough.”

“Good. When will you be able to examine it?” Dokugakuji asked. His brow was knit, he shuffled his feet, already impatient. He'd been pensive since Kougaiji had shared what he'd seen, and Yaone could imagine why.

“As soon as we return. Lord Kougaiji asked me to put a rush on it.” Yaone passed the samples to Doku, and he tucked them into a leather pouch on his belt. “He’s concerned about your brother, nearly as much as you are. He won’t have some strange illness take him down.” Dokugakuji nodded, and hung his head.

“We’ll do what we can to help him, right?" 

“If it can be cured, I will make the medicine myself,” Yaone assured him with a smile, and he returned it gratefully. They summoned their dragons with a whistle, and were off into the skies, back to their realm, to work in the enemy‘s favor.

* * *

 

Five hours after setting off on foot, well after four healthy young men should have been able to walk up a mountain, two of the party found themselves still en route. Hakkai and Gojyo were far behind Sanzo and Goku, because Gojyo had been forced to stop several times to regurgitate stomach acid. There was nothing else left in his stomach, and the effort of this much extended physical activity was taking its toll. Hakkai kept close to him, supporting him, rubbing his back, and reassuring him that he would be alright. It seemed that this was all he had left in his repertoire.

“I feel like I’m going to die if I have to walk any further,” Gojyo moaned, hunched over in pain as his heart throbbed. The only thing that kept him from vomiting further was that his stomach was, for the moment, completely empty. Hakkai kept offering him water to keep his throat from burning, but Gojyo could only gargle it and spit it out, feeling nauseous when it touched his tonsils.

“It’s only a little further. Look, we can see it.” Hakkai pointed up the mountain. The monastery was a mere half-kilometer away, its wooden gate rising over the rocky path, but to Gojyo it looked like another nine.

“I can’t make it. Just leave me here to rot.” Gojyo slumped to the ground, and Hakkai sighed, finally feeling the limits of exasperation. “And I’m being sarcastic!”

“Well, good news. It looks like Sanzo’s coming back for us. And he has friends.” Hakkai pointed to the road ahead, where a few shorn men in plain robes followed Goku and Sanzo back down the path towards them. Gojyo lifted his nose to the air, and took the air in deep.

“That incense on their robes… it smells really good,” he mumbled, and he finally managed to get down a gulp of water. His elbows and knees were wiggling under his weight, but the scent seemed to give him enough strength to keep his chest upright. In a matter of minutes, Sanzo and the monks following him arrived. Sanzo indicated Gojyo with a nod and a loose gesture, but not eye contact.

“Is he still ill?”

“He can’t stop being ill. I’m surprised the smell of incense seems to be relieving him rather than making him nauseous again,” Hakkai remarked, picking Gojyo up to a stand by his flaccid limbs. He fell to his knees again, unable to keep himself upright for lack of energy, and groaned.

“My nose burns.” He pressed his face into his arm, rubbing away the smear around his mouth. “I must have marked this trail in puke. Betcha blind hikers can follow the path by the smell.” Hakkai chuckled and shrugged. Sanzo took a few steps towards them, but two of the monks stepped in and picked Gojyo up by his arms.

“Idiot. This better be enough to make you quit this.” Sanzo lit a fresh cigarette and unclenched his teeth, and the monks hauled Gojyo up the trail towards the monastery, dragging his feet on the ground, with Hakkai close behind.

Gojyo was forced to kneel on the sanctuary floor with a bucket in front of him, but it seemed that the stronger the incense was, the better he felt. He was able to groggily support himself as Sanzo spoke to the head priest, explaining their mission and that they were struggling to progress due to his illness. Goku made faces at Gojyo from Sanzo‘s side, and Hakkai stood by his side, one hand on Gojyo's shoulder. Gojyo struggled to even decipher the words Sanzo said in his fatigued mind.

“… I ask for access to your inner sanctum, that I may confer with the spirits at this place to seek answers for this unenlightened soul.” Sanzo momentarily glanced over his shoulder at Gojyo, who suddenly noticed how cold and bloodless his face felt, and turned back to the head priest. “I will return your favor by blessing three of your students of your choosing.”

“Master Genjo Sanzo, I could never refuse you!” The head priest pandered from his seat, spreading his hands and smiling like a fox. “We will grant you privacy, and I shall select three souls who need your guidance the most.” The head priest turned behind him and unlocked the door to a chamber of the monastery’s relics, and led the residents from the main sanctuary. Sanzo entered the holy chamber alone, and Goku hung over Gojyo wearing a chipper grin.

“Sanzo must be really worried about you if he’s willing to do something in return!” Goku patted Gojyo’s cheek. Gojyo tried to come up with a retort, but his head was getting too heavy for him to think. Instead, he muttered indistinctly and stared at the very pretty ceiling. Oh, such a very, very pretty ceiling. Such a beautiful spinning ceiling. And such a hard floor under his head, and then the ceiling was gone, and everything else with it into darkness.

* * *

 

Gojyo opened his eyes, unsure of how long he’d been unconscious, but he was still staring up at the ceiling of the main sanctuary. He was surprised that Hakkai and Goku weren’t leaning over him, shaking him like a rag doll, but he pushed himself to a sit. Oddly enough, he felt better- he could feel fluid in his stomach for the first time in six hours. The sanctuary was entirely empty, free of dust and footprint, as though nobody had ever set foot within it, and the light was much brighter than he remembered. Gojyo smelled something sweet in the air- much like the incense, but stronger, more like jasmine or plumeria. He looked to the window and saw not the mountain they’d been on, but unobscured sunset sky, and Gojyo realized he was dreaming. The shadow of a phoenix fell across the floor behind him, and Gojyo whirled towards the source of light. Kanzeon Bosatsu, in all hir glory, walked towards him from a door that must have led to the white-hot sun itself. He may have seen hir a few times before, but never this clearly, never this close. Gojyo couldn’t stop from staring at hir breasts, exposed through hir sheer robes, nor could he hold back a stupid grin. The bright light seemed to come from hir, making his skin feel pleasantly warm as se came closer. 'Am I going to get to touch the goddess?' he wondered as se stopped before him and offered him a hand. Se smiled a seductive little smile, hir dark ruby lips gleaming, and before he realized it, his hand was in hirs and se pulled him to his feet. Se placed hir hands on his sides, hir thumbs traced slow circles on his stomach, hir smile soft and devious under lidded bedroom eyes.

“Did you enjoy your time with Sanzo?” Gojyo suddenly felt ill, but it was in his mind more than his stomach. With those words, se had ceased to be beautiful to him. He wanted to step back from hir, but hir hands held him tight. He felt like a small child, he was seeing his stepmother in hir face, his heart began to race. “Don’t be afraid, I promise I won't tell anyone.” Hir lips spread wider, a sly glint in hir eye. “I sent you a present. I’m glad you received it well.”

“A present?” Gojyo squirmed a bit, wishing se would stop touching him. The nausea was starting to return- the smell of incense was cloying and overwhelming. Se seemed so large, even though he stood taller than hir, and he didn't have the strength to pull away from hir. “I didn’t receive anything.”

“Oh, but you did, and here it is.” Se pressed hir thumbs alongside his navel. “Don’t flatter yourself, though. It’s not a present for you. You‘re just my delivery boy.” His middle suddenly began to swell, and se let go of him, leaving Gojyo to panic and thrash at the heavy orb of flesh forming above his hips. Kanzeon Bosatsu giggled, and Gojyo flinched. “Sorry, love, but you will have a very difficult pregnancy, and it shall be as merciful as the gods were to your mother. Ensure Sanzo receives my present, won’t you?” Gojyo yelped as hir shadow vanished and se with it, and he sank to his knees under the sudden weight. He felt like he was possessed, and he could feel the demon moving in his stomach.

“Stop, damn it, I want to wake up!” Gojyo cried out and dug his fingernails into his flesh in rebellion.

“It’s no dream, Gojyo,” Kanzeon Bosatsu’s voice echoed through the empty air. “You're going to bear child. You have a promise to keep.”

* * *

 

**(Suggested Track: “The Whale Song,” Modest Mouse,** to end of chapter)

“Stop, stop!” Gojyo screamed as he awoke and shot upright like his back had been burned. Hakkai and Goku both jolted back as Gojyo thrust himself forward, his hand flying down to his stomach. He sighed with relief to discover it was flat, and lay back down on the floor. His head was throbbing, his stomach was aching, and he knew from the dim mid-afternoon sun and the dirt on the floor that he was awake. He rubbed his head and groaned, and Hakkai offered him water.

“You must be dehydrated. Please, try to keep it in your stomach this time.” Gojyo sat up again, took the offered water and gulped it down. He shuddered, but thankfully it wasn’t coming back up. “Did you have a nightmare?” Hakkai rubbed Gojyo’s knee.

“How long was I out?” Gojyo brushed Hakkai off, looking at the floor tiles.

“Just a few minutes.” Hakkai leaned to try and meet Gojyo's eyes, but Goku pushed himself in front of Gojyo's face on hand and knee.

“You were whimpering like a baby!” He grinned, and Gojyo grimaced. “Baby pervy kappa, baby pervy kappa!” Goku bounced as he chanted, and Gojyo stopped right as he clenched one fist to hit Goku in the face.

_‘Baby kappa,’_ he remembered, dropping his elbow and pushing Goku back by his face. He finally met Hakkai's gaze. “Bro, how can you tell when you’ve been spoken to by a god?”

“You would have to ask Sanzo, I fear.” Hakkai cocked his head and scratched his chin, eyes flitting to the sanctuary where Sanzo surely still prayed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a god in a vision. Gojyo, do you think you had a vision in your dream?”

“Nah.” Gojyo looked away. “It was just a weird dream.” He rubbed his head, as his blood began to flow again. He couldn’t get Kanzeon Bosatsu’s words from his mind, nor the pain. He searched his mind, desperately trying to deny it, but his heart throbbed against his chest and he knew it to be true. It had to be. “I could use some more water, and some air. That incense is starting to kill me.” Hakkai nodded, refilled Gojyo’s mug, and handed it to him.

“I’ll take you outside, if you like. Goku, stay and wait for Sanzo, let him know where we went-”

“No, I’ll go myself.” Gojyo pushed himself to his feet, hiding the shaking in his legs and arms as frustration started to build. “Stupid corrupt priest won’t care if I’m gone.” Hakkai looked him up and down, unfathomable thoughts clouding his mind, and folded his hands.

“If you're sure. Just, let me know if you need anything, okay?” Hakkai smiled kindly, hiding the fear in his eyes. Gojyo huffed to himself as he turned away from Hakkai.

“Quit acting like my mother!” Gojyo snapped, and he strode from the sanctuary to the main yard. He lit a cigarette, puffing it rapidly and burning it to the butt as quickly as he could. Hakkai followed him to the door and watched as he strode down the hill for the temple orchard.

“This is not something I do to my friends, but you have left me no choice,” Hakkai sighed, and allowed his mind to search over Gojyo’s chi. He felt the same things he’d felt before on the surface, the remnants of his most recent wounds; the effects, but not the cause. He delved in deeper. There was nothing interrupting Gojyo’s energy flow, but he felt an imbalance; there was more energy than there should have been. Hakkai felt his monocle drop from his cheek, and his face blanched. “Oh, Gojyo…” Hakkai covered his mouth, and watched as his friend vanished into the apple trees. He tried to think, replacing his monocle and scratching the back of his head.

“Oi, Hakkai, did you think of something?” Goku asked from the floor.

“In a manner of speaking. I think Gojyo is in more trouble than we know,” Hakkai replied, turning back to Goku with a reassuring smile. “But I’ll go talk to him. No doubt he’ll explain himself.”

Gojyo had a fiery anger burning in his gut, and he had nowhere to put it. _How the hell did this happen to me?_ He clenched his fists. _Fucking merciful goddess! As merciful as the gods were to my own mother- I am a man, this isn‘t supposed to happen!_ He pulled his fists tight, gasping for angry breath and glaring at the ground. _I don't want a child. I never wanted to bring an innocent kid into this miserable world. Why would she give it to me?!_ He tried to catch his breath, to no avail. The answer came to him on a gust of wind through the brown petals drying on the ground. _This is a punishment for sleeping with their beloved priest. A present- my ass! Like he’d actually want a child, let alone one of mine!_ Gojyo looked up at the sky, raising a futile fist. “At least my mother and father loved each other!” He yelled aloud. “The father of this child will never love it- let alone me!” He turned and drove his fist into a tree, breathing heavily as his knuckles stung. “You made me ill… you made me ache… you want to torture me for nothing!” His throat was already burning, but he couldn't hold the rage back anymore. “I’ve gone along with your stupid mission! I don‘t deserve this!” He felt misery seize him. It only took him a second to decide on an escape route. He pulled the lunellum from his shakujo by its chain, and stared at the sharpened edge. “I could end this. I could end this so easily.”

“Gojyo.” Gojyo turned at the sound of his name, and Hakkai was standing three meters from him, perched halfway up the hill, arms folded behind his back. His cool was unimaginable, and were he any calmer, contagious, but Gojyo lifted the blade and pointed one edge to his abdomen.

“You won’t wanna watch this, Hakkai.” He smirked, though darkness poured from his eyes. “You might know better than me, but I need to cut something out of my belly.”

“Gojyo, stop.” Hakkai’s voice and face were serious, but Gojyo wasn’t flinching.

“You can help, you know. I need to know where to cut. The gods are torturing me, and I’m going to remove their little torture device.” He pressed the blade into his middle. “That’ll show ‘em. That’ll show them that I won’t be their pawn!”

“Gojyo, stop, it’s not a torture device, it’s a child!” Hakkai dove forth and tried to grab the sickle from Gojyo. Gojyo tumbled back, and brought the blade to his neck. He didn’t care how Hakkai knew; he didn’t have time to ask.

“Why would you even care? I’m not your lover!” Gojyo knew that would hurt Hakkai, but it didn’t show on his face. “I’m just a half-demon bastard who should have been drowned at birth! The gods hate me, and that’s why they did this to me!”

“Gojyo, it’s an innocent child-”

“And you think it deserves life? To be tormented like I was! Fuck's sake, think I'd rather die than put a kid through what I went through.” He was wise to Hakkai's game- he knew why Hakkai kept repeating his name, trying to bring him back to his own mind, but he could see right through it. He braced himself on his knees, battling back regret, but resigning himself; “I always knew I’d never make it out of this world alive.” He felt blood trickle from a small cut where the blade was pressed. He tilted his head back, letting the cigarette hang off his lips. “Hakkai, can you at least smile for me? I haven‘t been happy for more than a month, and if I'm gonna do this, I‘d like to end my life and its with a smile.”

“Gojyo, don’t do this.” Gojyo realized that Hakkai was grasping the power limiter on his left ear, ready to take it off.

“That’s a stupid idea,” he chuckled, sliding the blade a bit deeper against his skin. “You wanna do it yourself? You know you can't control yourself when you do that.” Every breath he took was restricted by the pressure on his throat. Hakkai was clearly trying to stay calm, and he forced his hand from his ear.

“I heard you say the father would never love you or this baby. Give me a chance to prove you wrong- who fathered this child?” Gojyo laughed even harder, as Hakkai struck the problem directly. It was as though he’d been kicked in the chest.

“I couldn’t tell you, Hakkai. All you need to know is that he won’t take care of me, and it won’t matter in a few seconds.” He tried to move the blade forward again, but his instincts kept willing him against it. “Don’t take your other eye out over this, buddy, this is what the gods have forced me to do.”

“It doesn't matter, then. I’ll take care of you,” Hakkai strode towards Gojyo. Gojyo moved to dodge back again, but Hakkai flipped over his head and was behind him in a split-second. He quickly disarmed Gojyo, thrusting the shaft of the shakujo from his hand and yanking it behind him and away. He threw the weapon to the ground and caught Gojyo around the waist, lifting him off the ground like a child. “This is part of our test too!” Gojyo kicked and screamed for a moment, enraged with frustration and beyond reason, but he froze when he saw Sanzo and Goku standing and watching from the top of the hill. Hakkai noticed them too. “Lovely afternoon, isn’t it?” Hakkai's smile returned, and Gojyo fell limp, letting Hakkai manhandle him.

“What the hell are you doing?” Sanzo clearly wasn’t buying it, eyebrow cocked, zero amusement at what otherwise might have been funny.

“How long have you been there?” Gojyo kept his eyes low, barely mumbling. Sanzo rolled his eyes and tapped the ash from his cigarette towards the rocks in the path.

“Not long enough, apparently. What is going on?” Sanzo glared directly at Gojyo; he knew it was his fault. Hakkai chuckled carelessly.

“I think we should all sit down and talk. I don’t think Gojyo should have his weapon right now, though.” Hakkai slung Gojyo over his shoulder, holding him with one arm and gripping him tight. Gojyo could do nothing but stare at the ground in shame, pinioned by Hakkai’s surprising strength. He picked up the shakujo with his free hand and strode cheerfully back towards the monastery. Goku turned to Sanzo with a smile.

“Welp, looks like Gojyo doesn’t need our help anymore at all!” Sanzo scowled and batted Goku atop the head, as was customary, before turning to follow Hakkai back up the hill.

* * *

 

Sanzo acquired quarters for the evening after giving blessings to several of the younger students, and he was chain-smoking with a scowl as he sat at the table with his friends. Hakkai had observed that he never seemed to be in a good mood after being forced to do his duties. Goku had fun- since he made fun wherever he went- following Sanzo and doing the exact opposite of helping with the situation with cheerful suggestions and childish needling. Hakkai had dragged Gojyo to their quarters as soon as they were able, tied him to the leg of the table by both ankles, and forced him to drink broth and tea to soothe his nausea. With the exact nature of the problem made clear, Hakkai had finally managed to suppress Gojyo’s vomiting, and his fathering instinct drove him to nourish. Gojyo, however, didn’t want any part of it, and rather than eat chose to bore holes in the wood with his eyes and try to suffocate himself in his own skin. He knew that Hakkai was angry with him under his calm surface for chasing Kanan, and that he would have to deal with it sooner or later. Even worse, he had to deal with the rest of the party. Now that Sanzo was finished with business, he wanted to know what had happened between Hakkai and Gojyo. “You go first, Sanzo,” Hakkai had suggested, his ever-present smile betraying nothing. “What did the spirits tell you?”

“That Kanzeon Bosatsu tests us yet again,” Sanzo muttered, lighting a fresh cigarette as the one in his mouth demised. “She tests Gojyo especially. Why do you think we chased you?”

“For a moment, Sanzo, I thought you actually cared about us,” Hakkai remarked with a soft, airy chortle.

“Tch!” Sanzo inhaled the cigarette smoke deeply. Gojyo stared at the tobacco enviously; he hadn’t had a smoke in hours, and he no longer cared that Sanzo's brand sucked on toast.

“So, Gojyo, why were you and Hakkai fighting? What did you do?” Goku leaned on his elbows, grinning eagerly and bouncing on his knees.

“Oh, you automatically assume it was my fault? Stupid monkey!” Gojyo spit at the table, and Goku started to retort before Hakkai could answer for him:

“That you are tied up and I am not is a very good indicator,” Hakkai took a sip of his tea before continuing, and Gojyo scoffed and folded his arms. “Gojyo was very upset, as he was approached by the goddess Kanzeon Bosatsu and informed of the nature of his test. I had to keep him from doing anything foolish.” Gojyo looked at Hakkai from the corner of his eye, silently thankful that he hadn’t given a gruesome blow-by-blow.

“What is the nature of his test?” Sanzo asked, his voice still flat. He was eyeing Gojyo more suspiciously now, and Gojyo started to feel that oppressive sensation of the walls closing in around him. The oiled paper on the windows might as well have been open to let miasma pour in, and Gojyo's intestines squirmed as he tried to think of a way, any way, that Sanzo didn't have to hear the truth. And yet, there was no Heavenly intervention to silence Hakkai:

“Merely that he must carry a child that he conceived.” The silence in the room was palpable. Goku’s jaw dropped, Sanzo stared at Gojyo with undeniable, teeth-grinding rage. That moment of silence was Gojyo's last reprieve, and it was broken as Goku burst into laughter and tears of mirth, rolling on the floor and clutching his ribs, and Sanzo managed to form the seething rage in his throat into words.

“Tell me this is a joke. Now.”

“I could, but I would be lying.” Hakkai sighed after another gulp of hot tea. He patted Gojyo's back, as he tried to sink under the table and through the floor. “But there is a _father_ involved. Gojyo, did the Goddess tell you who the father was? Or even how this child was conceived?”

“I don’t know who the father is,” Gojyo lied. “And the… child,” He practically spat the word, “Was conceived the same way almost every other living piece of shit in the world was.”

“Slut!” Goku, the exception to the rule, laughed and kicked his legs in the air. Sanzo had finished his fresh cigarette in less than thirty seconds and started up another as Goku continued to bawl with laughter. “Oh my god, this is the best thing ever! And we’ll probably never know who the dad is!” He sat up and leaned towards Gojyo. “Hey, how many men did you sleep with? Fifty? A hundred? Fifty-hundred-billion?”

“Shut up! That’s not a number!” Gojyo started to lunge across the table, but the rope tying him to Hakkai left him flat on his stomach, rattling their cups on the tabletop.  


“Now, now.” Hakkai yanked Gojyo back to the floor, forcing him to settle back into a sit. “Gojyo will tell us what we need to know when he’s ready. For now, we must consider what’s best for the child.”

“You plan on having it?” Sanzo raised one twitching eyebrow, staring at Gojyo with utter disgust. Gojyo managed to sit up and lean over the table towards Sanzo.

“I don’t plan on anything,” Gojyo retorted. “ _Gonou_ won’t let me get rid of it, and-” Hakkai’s hand slammed the back of his head, bashing his face on the table.

“Did you say something, Gojyo?” Hakkai asked, saccharine-sweet as he let go of Gojyo’s head. Goku had stopped laughing when Gojyo used Hakkai’s former name, and the cigarette had dropped from Sanzo’s lips. The new silence felt like the ceiling had caved in.

“I said,” Gojyo continued, as he wiped his bleeding nose, “that you might be able to make me carry this parasite, but I don’t care about this stupid test or it. I might just dump it in the river and be rid of it.” With this, he focused his wrathful gaze on Sanzo. Sanzo’s upper lip curled, and his brow wrinkled into a hateful, black look.

“Fuck you!” Sanzo pushed back from the table and walked out of the room. He smacked Gojyo in his broken nose with the fan as he passed, and Gojyo yelped in pain to cover it again. Hakkai sighed as the tension began to wind down. 

“Gojyo, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but you can’t take it out on us. If we have told you once, we’ve told you many times, we are your friends and we will support you. Goku, don’t you agree?” Goku thought a moment, as Hakkai healed Gojyo’s face.

“Of course! It’ll be like a little cousin or something.” Goku cheered up quickly. “I’ve never had brothers or sisters or cousins or knew anyone with a baby!” He looked upwards as he thought. “Babies are cute though! Even if they do smell kinda funny.”

“Yes, and when the baby gets older, you can have a playmate. Surely, you will love the baby’s toys more than the baby!” As Hakkai worked Goku into a giggly, childish, baby-crazy frenzy, Gojyo found himself feeling very sorry for what he’d said to Hakkai- he seemed so happy at the thought of the baby. Gojyo knew what he'd lost. However, he had no regrets for what he'd said to Sanzo.

_'This is all your fault. You call this Enlightenment? I'd rather burn in hell.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: Ahh. Now things get twisted. Leave a review, chapter 4 will be up in a week!


	5. Bastard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gojyo struggles to accept his condition, but he has worse troubles than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note here: today (the 6th) happens to be my birthday, which is why you're getting a chapter this week! Hurray! After this, there will be one more week of consecutive updates, and then we will be returning to our every-other-week update schedule. Boo!
> 
> Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters are not mine, and I am not profiting from their use.

**4: Bastard**

Some things never change. Traveling, for one. No hardship could end their destined journey- over the two months since the incident at the mountaintop temple, they'd traveled an unimaginable distance, though they had their diversions, their high roads and low roads, and the occasional turnaround. However, Shangri-la was broad, and, at the moment, infested with mad youkai. That didn't change from day to day either, and this June morning was no exception.

The air of battle didn't change either- always hot, always tense. This morning, Sanzo had alerted the others to a dark aura in a rocky gorge, and they'd gotten out of the Jeep just as the ambush party burst out of the crevasses shadowed by the dawn light. Gojyo was used to it by now, but the things that were changing had restricted him. Still, his life was in danger, and nothing would stop him from defending himself. In spite of the changes, battle came easily to him, and it seemed this was the one joy Gojyo could relish right now.

The shirring noise from the shakujo's chain was nearly a familiar comfort, as it whipped through the air. Gojyo easily sliced through three maddened youkai in the pack of perhaps thirty that surrounded the party. The numbers had changed, and so had their battle tactics- not out of improving their efficacy, but out of necessity. He and Hakkai were back to back, as he'd been tied to Hakkai's left arm by his left arm for the past two months and he wasn't going anywhere if he wasn't going with Hakkai. Sanzo and Goku were standing on the other side of the Jeep, Goku with his staff extended and at the ready, Sanzo with his gun drawn and his sutra protected in his teeth. The demons stepped over the bodies of their fallen kin, no regret, no remorse, not even a sense of loss.

"Hmph, pitiful." Sanzo was trying to pick a target, eyes roving across the gang. "Just a set of insane idiots, not even trained assassins."

"It's weird, I don't think we've seen any really good fights lately," Goku concurred, though he still watched the youkai creeping along the walls and around them with cautious eyes. They stared at the party like they were pieces of meat, as one of the underlings edged closer, teeth bared, licking his lips with a vulgar kind of hunger.

"They're all so pretty. They're certainly a good-looking set of humans… except maybe the fat one."

"Who ya callin' fat, you fuckin' jerk?!" Gojyo roared, swinging his shakujo again and spraying the offending youkai's blood on the ground. He stepped forward, causing Hakkai to lean from his defensive stance, and sliced through another row of youkai in a blind rage. With one fourth of the pack laying in pieces on the ground, Gojyo stepped back towards Hakkai, reining himself back in, and wiped the blood spatter off his face.

This was the change that hurt the most. He did, in fact, have a small, round, firm bulge forming under his navel and stretching his middle, making obvious to those who knew that a baby grew under his ribcage but appearing to anyone else that he'd been hitting the sake a little too hard. However, Gojyo's vanity didn't change. "Now, which one of you motherfuckers has something else to say about me?" Gojyo glared from eye to eye, holding the blade forward in his hand. The frenzied youkai laughed, amused at the sight of the tall, slightly-chubby man fighting like an acrobat, and Gojyo only roared again and launched himself into the fray, dragging Hakkai back with him. The extra weight slowed him, and most of the youkai in front of him were able to get out of his way. They had brains enough to move towards Sanzo, and this was where Goku drew the line.

"Stop it!" Goku burst forward, wiping out the demons nearest him, choking them against the cliff face with his staff against their tracheae. Hakkai twisted around as Gojyo defended his back, raised a wall of his chi and pressed the demons back against the cliff face. Sanzo defended himself with his hands, until Hakkai's reach extended to him. Goku let down the now-unconscious youkai and jumped over them to the next set. "I'm sick of playing with you!" He banged two heads together, knocking their owners out cold.

"We don't play games with idiots," Hakkai added with his usual wide grin. "We get bored of winning." Hakkai released his chi, and the remaining youkai dropped like they'd been electrocuted. The energy of battle dissipated, and Gojyo leaned against the Jeep as the adrenaline drained.

"Last goddamn thing I needed this fuckin' early in the morning." He reached for his vest pocket, expecting to find his cigarettes, forgetting that Hakkai hadn't allowed him a box for over two months now. "Think that'll be it for today?"

"Oh, who knows?" Hakkai giggled, and held his hand out to Gojyo. Goku and Sanzo had begun to store their weapons, and Gojyo handed the shakujo to Hakkai, as he'd had to for the past two months. It was a symbolic hand-off, if nothing else, as Hakkai yanked him along as he went to tuck it in the trunk. He then circled the Jeep and rubbed the hood. "Sorry about the delay, Hakuryu." The Jeep emitted an understanding chirp, and Hakkai started the engine. Gojyo grumbled, folding his arms as Hakkai delayed his boarding.

"Untie me, damn it." Gojyo tapped his fingers impatiently on the edge of the Jeep. "You took away my cigarettes- my lungs are starting to turn pink, asshole!- you won't let me drink, and I can't even fight well!" It was the same familiar rant Hakkai heard after every tussle they got into, and Hakkai sighed and got into the car. Gojyo groaned and got into the seat directly behind him, wearing a scowl that could crumble mountains, with his hand yanked forward and Hakkai's hand pulled back.

"Cheer up, Gojyo. We killed all those jerks who called the baby fat!" Goku chirped, hopping in next to Gojyo and patting his rounded tummy lightly, like he was tapping a tight drum. Gojyo instinctively lifted his knee into Goku's chin, and began to bite the fingernails on his right hand to get the stress out. Goku whined to Sanzo and Hakkai; "He's bein' a jerk! Make him stop!" but Sanzo lit a cigarette and both he and Hakkai ignored the monkey.

Hakkai was worried about what Gojyo would do if he did untie him and return his weapon. In spite of his complaints, he often found Gojyo trying to sneak drinks from unattended cups and begging smokes off of Sanzo if he did have to leave Gojyo's side for even a moment. Neither Sanzo nor Goku allowed him to get away with it- Goku out of genuine concern, and Sanzo by ignoring him- which was a small consolation. He also didn't want to risk Gojyo doing anything stupid when even Sanzo and Goku weren't there. Gojyo had made it exceedingly clear- he did not want the baby.

Whenever Hakkai talked about Gojyo's pregnancy, Gojyo wouldn't engage in the conversation, and the repartee went as follows: "So, when do you think you conceived?"

"I want it out of me."

"I'm guessing you're at least four months out by now."

"The longer you wait, the harder it's gonna be."

"Do you think you want a boy or a girl?"

"Neither."

"Have you picked any names?"

"Why bother naming something I'm getting rid of? Take a hint- I want it out!"

Hakkai never gave him the satisfaction of an answer leading to an argument, but he knew Gojyo hadn't really smiled in two months. Hakkai was offering Gojyo all the help he could- moderating his hormone levels to lessen his nausea and enable him to eat, easing his muscle aches and pains, and even boosting his energy. Gojyo didn't ask, but he knew what Hakkai was doing when he reached and took hold of Gojyo's wrist at morning, mealtimes, and at bedtime. He could feel the relief washing through him, and he always said "Thanks," but he never acknowledged what he was thanking him for, and not a single conversation about Gojyo's condition ever went further than that.

Gojyo didn't tolerate Goku talking about the baby well either, especially since Goku was already calling the unborn child his 'little cousin.' Even in the car now, Goku was pushing his luck:

"Is little cousin okay after all that fighting?" Goku reached for Gojyo's middle again, but Gojyo swatted him back.

"Don't touch me." Gojyo scooted as far away from Goku as possible, glowering at the stone walls surrounding them.

"Both of you shut up," Sanzo said from the front seat, and Goku whimpered.

Sanzo had taken the news about the pregnancy as badly as Gojyo. Hakkai could not, for the life of him, tell why, but Sanzo refused to speak to Gojyo unless it was absolutely necessary, and he took every opportunity offered to insult him. Without confirmation, Hakkai only had assumption: 'Perhaps he's still angry over the insult about his own birth, as Gojyo never did apologize.' He watched the static fly in the rear view mirror as the two briefly met eyes while Sanzo reached back to hit Goku with the fan. 'I don't know if he will, either.'

Hakkai had to imagine that Sanzo was still angry with him, too; the first day Gojyo was tied to Hakkai, it was right hand to left hand, so Gojyo could sit in the front seat next to Hakkai to make the ride easier. This left Sanzo in the back seat with Goku. This arrangement did not end well for Goku, who found himself getting beaten like a pillow every fifteen minutes the entire day and left Sanzo enraged from dealing with him in such close quarters.

After a single day of this, the rope switched arms and Gojyo was moved back to the back seat, where he suffered Goku's adoration and fawning much of the day, but to Hakkai's estimate, Goku was taking a lot less abuse from Gojyo than Sanzo. Since the rope was only a meter long, Gojyo wasn't able to get across the seat to whack the monkey, so he simply had to suffer it until Goku got close enough. However, Hakkai found that it was just as difficult sitting next to Sanzo, who was in a constantly sour mood- more so than usual. He was recompensing for the lack of cigarette smoke from Gojyo and seemed to have doubled his intake. He snapped much easier than usual, and when he wasn't actively angry at someone or something, he was silently fuming, laying in wait like a tiger ready to pounce at the next minute annoyance or distraction.

It was all of these things combined that made the days difficult, but the nights were even worse. Sleeping arrangements had become nearly impossible. In fact, Sanzo would refuse to sleep in the same room with Gojyo even if there were four beds available. Hakkai would plead and argue, begging for civility, but it was the only time Gojyo and Sanzo would talk to each other directly, but the conversation hit the same notes every time, as they had the previous night:

"What, you think I'm fuckin' contagious?!" Gojyo threw his socks at the wall, less than a meter from where Sanzo was standing. Sanzo sucked his cigarette down, and glared with fire in his gaze at Gojyo.

"I don't care what you are. I don't care where you sleep. I don't care about you. I will not sleep near you." Every word was spat through gritted teeth, his fists clenched, arms stiff and shaking with poorly concealed rage.

"What the fuck've I ever done to you?" Gojyo stormed a few steps closer, dragging Hakkai behind him, but Sanzo's lips drew thin and tight.

"Get away from me. Get out of my face." Sanzo didn't move, eyes fixated on the wall behind Gojyo. Sanzo's tone was flat, his face wiped of emotion, and his body still stiff. Gojyo's unstoppable force met Sanzo's immovable object, and their argument ended the way they did every single time:

"Fine, I'll sleep in the fucking hall!" And Hakkai found himself leaned against the door the entire night while Gojyo sulked in the hall, with the rope looped under the door.

This was the way it had been for two months. This was the worst change, in Hakkai's mind, because there wasn't nearly as much joy in the party as there had been, and it made every day long. And yet, Hakkai could see the light at the end of the tunnel- he wasn't blind. As Goku began to whine to Sanzo about getting kicked, and Sanzo began to insult Goku and hit him with the fan, Hakkai could only remind himself, 'This, too, shall pass,' and drove on, despite "big cousin's" moaning, his best friend's sulking, and the time bomb sitting beside him.

* * *

It was late before they reached another village and disembarked outside of the town's only inn, and at realizing Sanzo's identity, the entire town was driven into an excited frenzy:

"My gods, the Sanzo pilgrims!"

"They're here! They're really here!"

"How did you get past the youkai embargoing the trade route?" Someone who seemed to be a leader had accosted Sanzo and wrapped his arm around his shoulder, partially shielding him from the excited housewives and tradesmen, who'd come from their homes and surrounded the party, while bombarding him all the same. Sanzo looked disgusted at having his arm grabbed, and Hakkai stepped in before his foul temper could surface.

"You mean that group of forty-odd youkai in the gorge east of here?" He cocked his head, still beaming as he pulled Sanzo's shoulder from the mayor's grasp. "They won't be troubling you any further."

This resulted in a huge uproar, and the party was showered with admiration, and the local tavern owners paid for their dinner. At the pleading of the leader Sanzo elected to go among the people during the evening, flatly reciting old sermons that he'd picked up from other monks and had memorized rote. (Hakkai couldn't be fooled- it was just so he would not have to spend time with Gojyo.) Goku decided to go along (more than likely, Hakkai imagined, for the same reason) even if all he could do was cheer Sanzo on and tempt Sanzo's wrath. This left Hakkai and Gojyo to procure lodgings for the night.

The innkeeper offered them four rooms, but Hakkai gently corrected her, saying they needed just three, and Gojyo could say nothing. He'd tried arguing over the past two months, but Hakkai shut him down with nothing but a look. They'd even had to sleep either in two beds dragged next to each other, or, to Gojyo's disgust, share a single bed. Tonight, there was just one bed in the room, and Gojyo'd had to ignore the questioning look from the receptionist as she handed them the key. "Just give the other two their keys when they get back- you can't miss them." Hakkai smiled sweetly, and the receptionist bowed her head as they went on their way.

On normal nights when it was just the two of them- at least, the old normal- they would go to the bar, drink a hot sake, play some cards, and maybe even hit on some floozies. However, since Hakkai was making the calls rather than Gojyo, Hakkai dragged Gojyo to the inn's little stack of books beside the desk and selected one for himself. "Would you like one?" Hakkai turned to him, smiling, and Gojyo's eyes briefly darted between the attached tavern door and the miniature library.

"No." He glared at the floor, and continued to drag his feet as Hakkai escorted him up the stairs to their inn room. Hakkai had carried the bags, insisting that Gojyo shouldn't carry anything heavier than 20 kilograms, and set them down neatly beside the window. There were two beds, and Gojyo stood back, motionless, as Hakkai dragged them together.

"Why not make yourself comfy?" Hakkai fluffed the pillows on the bed, and patted the mattress. "You must be so sore." Gojyo grunted at Hakkai's sympathy, but sat down anyway and began to dig in his bag. "You know, you really have started to show!" Hakkai untied himself from Gojyo and tied the other end to the edge of the bed, and started unpacking some of his things for convenience's sake. Gojyo scoffed, yanking his bag onto his lap. "It's cute, really. I'll probably have to find you some looser clothes soon. Then again, I'm not really certain just how far along you are, and I can't quite tell, so I can only guess you're just out of the first trimester." Gojyo sighed, trying to block out Hakkai's energetic babbling as he continued to flit about the room, straightening up this and that like it was his own home. "You are showing a little more than I think you should, though- your basal height's just a bit higher than it should be. Well, perhaps it's just because you're so thin, or because you're a man, so you look bigger." Gojyo tried to ignore him, tried to ignore how Hakkai's gaze occasionally flitted to his middle. "Is it possible you're further along than that?" Hakkai turned back to him as Gojyo found a nail file in his pack and started running it along the edges of his fingernails.

"Don't know. Don't care. Can we just quit this stupid game? I'm so over it."

"Well, we can at least put a minimum on it- when's the last time you had sex?" Hakkai went to wash his face, and Gojyo cringed hard, feeling his every nerve contract. The memory stung his cheek to think about it.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"I see." Hakkai re-entered the room, and sat on the bed beside Gojyo. He hid his surprise well- this was the first time he got an answer relating to Gojyo's condition that didn't translate to 'Fuck off' in some way. "Well, when you are ready to tell me about it, I'll be able to factor that in how I'm caring for you."

"Yeah, sure," Gojyo scoffed, rolling his eyes. "I'll let you know when hell freezes over." Hakkai took a seat, back to back with Gojyo, and rested his hand on the small of Gojyo's back, and flipped open his book with his other hand. Gojyo could feel the relief flow through him, and lowered his head. "That, uh, feels better. Thanks, man."

"What are friends for?" Hakkai smiled, then removed the rope from the bedpost and tied it back to his own wrist. Finished that, he focused on his book, leaving Gojyo to his own devices. Gojyo sighed, and started to file his nails for the fifth time in six days. He couldn't imagine how they were growing this fast, but he was sick of it.

"Stupid… things… keep getting longer!" He glared at the offending keratin as he ran the file along the edges of his fingers. "I file for hours and never get them even a little shorter!" Hakkai, with one hand on his book, glanced over his shoulder at Gojyo with a smile.

"Ah yes, I know many women notice their fingernails and toenails growing faster when they are expecting. Why, your hair grows thicker too. Haven't you noticed? It's quite nice, really." Gojyo gritted his teeth and glared at Hakkai- he had thought the conversation was over. "I'm just saying, some of them like to have manicures and pedicures and be pampered rather than complain. After all your complaints, you should enjoy the opportunity for some fun. I miss your smile, anyway." Hakkai went back to his book, and Gojyo hung his head.

He missed smiling too.

Pregnancy, in a word, sucked. He didn't like waking up with morning sickness because Hakkai hadn't been able to suppress it while he was sleeping, or feeling nauseous every time he opened his mouth, not to mention heartburn when he ate anything bitter. Feeling tired whenever he did anything more strenuous than chew gum was an utter  _joy_. More at issue than that was just knowing it was there. He didn't like to be reminded of the baby, of his shame, of the emasculation sent from on high. He hated feeling the slight weight in his middle, and was always disgusted with himself when he touched it. He even felt nauseous when his hand even brushed against his stomach. Even worse, he felt desolately cold and lonely because he hadn't had sex in over three months, and hadn't slept well for the same period of time. The worst of all, however, came at that moment, when all of it welled up on him and he couldn't hold it back anymore.

Gojyo leaned his face into his free palm as his anger withered into deep sadness, and he began to bite his lip to silence his sobs. He couldn't keep them back anymore, and he hated it. Everything about it started to sting. Hakkai could hear him, could feel his back shudder, and he folded his book and turned to Gojyo, rubbing his back with his free hand.

"It's okay. You've been holding it back so much, I know you have." Hakkai carefully cut the rope from Gojyo's wrist, leaving Gojyo with both hands free to rub his eyes. "If you won't tell me anything else, tell me why you're crying."

"I'm not crying, it's just... something in my eye." Gojyo tried to hide his face, swallowed every sob, but the flow wouldn't stem. Hakkai kept rubbing his back and shoulders, and he knew he wasn't fooling him. He turned on the bed and sat forward, legs over the edge. "You don't know how it feels to be rejected, bro. At least someone loved you. I ain't got a family. My brother loved me, but he vanished. Everyone abandons me- even the asshole who fathered this kid."

"Of course I know the pain, Gojyo. I was left as a child too, you know that." Hakkai turned his legs over the edge of the bed, as Gojyo forced his tears dry. "Perhaps someone loved me, but I had no mother to speak of, I was raised by nuns. I know the pain the same as you, I know the sting of loneliness. And I know how lonely you were, and how you must be now." Hakkai leaned against Gojyo's shoulder, resting his cheek on his arm. "So why are you rejecting your own child?"

"That's just it; I want to protect it from that." Hakkai now saw through Gojyo's facade to the pain he had known was underneath, bloodshot veins streaking his eyes, dejection turning his lips down. "It's a freak accident, a mishap. It'll probably be born with the same red hair and eyes as me." He wiped his eyes, but the tears kept coming.

"We don't know that, Gojyo," Hakkai said softly, and began to stroke Gojyo's hair, untwisting the tangles. "I only know that the products of human and youkai intercourse are born with those markers, and whatever entwine led to the child you carry can't have been like that- after all, you're already half-youkai." He giggled, scooting a bit closer to Gojyo and pushing his bag to the floor. "I don't think I've ever heard of a quarter-youkai, and I, for one, am excited to see what one looks like. I thought it was impossible." Hakkai folded his hands over the bulge in Gojyo's middle. Gojyo shivered, and jerked away from Hakkai's touch. Hakkai continued to smile and folded his hands on Gojyo's knee. "Gojyo, I've been meaning to ask; are you angry at the child for existing? You know it's not his or her fault."

Gojyo had to think about it. He knew only that he had just been angry with the gods for victimizing him. He forced himself to look at his vanishing abdominal muscles. He remembered the vision of Kanzeon Bosatsu, of the demon writhing in his belly. And yet, it wasn't a demon. He thought about the last time he'd seen a baby- it was before they'd left Chang'an for India, and it was only in passing. The child was only a few months old, dressed in pink and yellow, laid in a pram in front of her mother and sleeping. Gojyo remembered what his instinct had been:

_"Man, lookit the cute little bastard."_ He remembered smiling at the little girl, as her mother pushed her away.  _"Bet mama loves you, right? Bet you love mama, too."_  Who was he kidding? He loved kids. He loved every kid he met. The demon in his belly wasn't a demon at all, it was just another kid. His kid. Right now, it wasn't even bigger than a lemon, and it was only just there. And yet, he'd spent the last two months fantasizing about tearing it out of him, even at the cost of his own life. Gojyo realized that he had been an utter monster in his spite and hung his head.

"I'm a rat, Hakkai. No. Worse. I'm a King of Rats. I should be wiped out like the other vermin crawling the Earth, because I don't even have heart enough to care for this thing." He folded his arms over his chest. "Damn it all, even if my kid is taboo, I was too, and I needed someone to protect me." He folded his hands over his stomach. "This kid is mine. Even if..." Gojyo sighed. "The goddess told me the kid's not  _for_  me. The kid's for its father. A gift, and I'm just the delivery boy."

"She has an odd sense of humor, doesn't she?" Hakkai rubbed his chin. "But... the baby is still yours. She can't stop you from caring."

"Damn right she can't. 'Sides, he won't care anyway." Gojyo slid his hands down to his middle, planting his fingertips against where the skin pushed his shirt the most. "I'm gonna protect this little guy. Nobody else is gonna do it, even if I'm the worst person possible to do it."

"Gojyo…" Hakkai rested his hands on his shoulders. "I'll protect him too. The child's other father should be the one to do so, but unless you can figure out who it is, I will. You're stuck with me, you know. I said I'd care for you, after all." He laughed softly and shook Gojyo's shoulders. "Besides, we can't really be sure who the father is, right?" Gojyo tried to move back away from Hakkai, but Hakkai didn't notice, instead tapping his lower lip. "I suppose that until the child's born, it will be very hard to discern who fathered it. And even then… Surely, he might have some distinct facial features…" Hakkai trailed off, and Gojyo hung his head.

"Y'know… I, uh, I didn't sleep with that many men. Not many at all. I preferred women…" He winced, as he realized that the past tense on "prefer" was a slip of the tongue, and shuddered when he realized it was true. When had that happened? Hakkai, of course, noticed and was utterly tickled pink.

"I always thought you would be dominant in any sex you had," Hakkai giggled.

"You try to be nice to a guy, see what you get," Gojyo chuckled in response, digging his fingernails into his rounded flesh. "I get this." Hakkai sighed contently, and pushed himself off the bed.

"You have a weird definition of being 'nice.' But since you've finally cheered up, I'll show you what happens when you're nice."

* * *

When Goku and Sanzo returned, Goku immediately went to check on Gojyo and Hakkai- after all, just because he was terrified of Gojyo beating on him didn't mean he wasn't worried. He was surprised to see Gojyo sitting on the bed with one hand in a bowl of water while Hakkai had pulled up a chair next to the bed and was filing the fingernails down on the other. To his surprise, Gojyo was smiling, but it didn't change that this was not a scene he expected between two men. Goku rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out, and followed Sanzo to his room. "Looks like Gojyo's not angry right now, but he and Hakkai are being all girly." Sanzo didn't respond, instead slamming the door behind him hard to the point where it bounced off the lock instead of locking. Goku opened the door and hung behind Sanzo, who huffed between peeling off his priestly garb and pivoted on his heel to glare at him.

"I don't care. You have your own bedroom tonight. Go to it, or don't- again, I don't care. Go bother Hakkai. Don't bother me." Sanzo put his hands on his hips, and Goku stomped his feet.

"You're so mean all the time! What is wrong with you?! Are you gonna act like this with our little cousin?" Sanzo clenched his fist at the mention of the "little cousin."

"Shut up. I don't want to hear about it. Get out."

"You're mad at Gojyo 'cause of the baby, aren't you?" Goku frowned, and Sanzo hid his surprise that Goku had managed to get something right. "That's why you don't wanna be near him at all, huh?"

"I don't want to be near him because he disgusts me and he always has." Sanzo threw his gloves at the floor and untied his sash. "Shut up and get out or I'll kill you."

"No." Goku scowled at Sanzo, standing firm and glaring at him. Sanzo smacked Goku in the head with his fan.

"Do as I say." Sanzo's knuckles had drained of blood, and it was rushing to his cheeks.

"You're mean!" Goku planted his hands on his hips. "How would you feel if the goddess decided to seat you with the baby instead of Gojyo? You wouldn't want him thinking about how gross you are all the time!"

"Out!" With that, Sanzo threw the fan at Goku, sending the boy flying into the hallway with the momentum. Sanzo closed and locked the door behind him, grunting with exasperation and seating himself on the bed. He lit a cigarette and folded his arms, then lay back to fixate on the ceiling and try and push everything out.

Out. Out. Out. Out of his room. Out of his bed. He wanted Gojyo out of his head. It wasn't easy to ignore Gojyo, not when he made such a big show of pouting and sulking, and he just wanted to stop seeing his face. He couldn't name the twisting feeling in his heart, but he wanted it out.

Goku rushed into Hakkai and Gojyo's room, and immediately complained, "Sanzo's even less priestly after he acts like a priest!" Hakkai giggled, and Gojyo rolled his eyes.

"Don't even bother with his old man ass, ya dumb monkey." Gojyo stopped briefly to examine his hands. "He's just mad 'cause he can't fake being decent." Hakkai giggled; Gojyo was acting like his old self, despite having filed and polished fingernails.

* * *

Hakkai, Goku, and Gojyo stayed in the room together for a while, which turned into a game of Mahjong (which Hakkai won) and then a game of War (which Hakkai won) and finally, a very long game of strip poker. Goku was down to his underwear, undershirt and diadem when Hakkai kicked him out, and Hakkai wore Gojyo's headband and boxers on his head as a sign of total victory. Gojyo was curled up on the bed, hiding his nakedness from Hakkai with his hands. "Okay, game over, you win again, can I have my clothes back?" Gojyo bowed his head over his naked chest, staring at the small lump of his belly. He generally didn't mind being naked, but he didn't like having his weight gain this apparent.

"No, I will hold onto the spoils of victory until tomorrow," Hakkai laughed, before removing Gojyo's underwear from his head and folding them and planting them under Hakuryu. Hakuryu trilled in complaint, and moved to a different perch. Gojyo rolled his eyes and covered himself with the blanket. Hakkai stretched out on the bed behind him, and put the headband over his eyes. Gojyo grumbled, and folded his hands behind his head. And here was his trouble.

He still couldn't sleep alone. He would daze in and out, but the dreams never started- he was always distracted by a cold feeling in his chest, and rest didn't happen. He was sure he hadn't had a restful night of sleep since the last time he got drunk, and even then, he didn't dream. He didn't have many options, though- he didn't want to sleep with Hakkai. He would have gone for a walk in the hopes of getting himself tired, but he didn't feel like getting arrested for public nudity and obscenity again. He didn't want to get drunk- he knew full well that would just fuck up the baby, and at this point, he cared about that. He groaned, got to his feet, wrapping the blanket around him like a toga, and went to the window.

The street was dark, lit only by a few scant streetlights and the blinking, shimmering stars. There was nobody else there, nothing to see, nothing to distract his mind. He sat on the sill, watching the shadows slowly shift across the wall, his mind adrift. He sighed, and started smoothing his hair out. It  _was_  thicker, wasn't it? He chuckled, but silenced when he heard Hakkai murmur in his sleep, and kept quiet, and considered his situation one more time.

_This kid is mine, isn't it?_ He pressed his thumb over his navel.  _You're in for hell, ain'cha? I don't even know what I'm going to do with you. I might love kids, but I don't know nothin' about bein' a dad. Shit. I dunno, guess for the moment, I just have to keep you alive._  He smiled, dragging his hand over his stomach and trying just to focus on that.  _Stay alive. Even if your father don't love you, even if I can't, you gotta stay alive._

After a few minutes of contemplation, he heard something hit the window, and looked out the window again down at the street. "Jien," he murmured, shocked to see his brother standing there between lamplights. He crawled out the window onto the ledge under it. "Ji- Doku, what are you doing here?" He leaned forward carefully, as Dokugakuji scaled the wall and sat beside him, and wrapped his hands around his wrist.

"I know it's been forever, but you have to come with me," Dokugaku whispered, though he kept looking over his shoulder, steadying his feet against the brick-red shingles. "I'm concerned for you, bro. You have to come with me, and you can be safe under my guard." He leaned towards Gojyo. "Kougaiji's not willing to send assassins after you in your condition, but we can't stop chasing Lord Sanzo, so I have to take you out of the picture. I'll take you somewhere safe, where you can rest! No more fighting, no more nothing until the kid's born-"

"You mean you  _know_?!" Gojyo slid back from Dokugakuji, wrenching his wrist out from his grasp. Dokugakuji was jerked forward, but caught himself and slid across the roof towards Gojyo again.

"We saw you sick and didn't know what else to do but try and help you. Yaone had to run your hair through a couple hundred tests before she got to pregnancy." Doku looked down and away. "She has no idea how the hell it happened, and nor do any of us; half-breeds are supposed to be sterile." Gojyo gritted his teeth when Dokugaku called him a half-breed. "I'm glad you found out about the kid, too- I was scared you'd've killed the thing by now- but you must know you're at risk. Kougaiji's orders are to reclaim the Sutras and kill you pilgrims if you get in his way, and as much as you have to live your own life, I gotta protect you and the kid." He kept edging closer and closer to Gojyo, feet scratching the rough shingles as Gojyo kept stumbling back and away. "Besides that, Yaone told me there's something odd about your pregnancy and she wants to examine you closer-"

"Am I a damned experiment now?" Gojyo demanded, grabbing the ledge of the window with shaking hands. He picked up a loose shingle off the eave and held it in the window, aiming it at Hakkai's head, ready to wake him. "You think I want to be examined and babied like some damned child? I grew up, bro, I can protect myself-"

"Listen to what I'm saying- Yaone thinks there's something wrong." Doku managed to straighten himself up, walking up the roof. "It's bad enough that you're not even supposed to be pregnant- you're a man, and you're not supposed to have a viable bloodline-" Gojyo punched Dokugakuji in the gut, causing the demon to grunt and stagger back. He only managed to catch himself before falling off the roof, but Gojyo fixed Doku with an even, merciless stare.

"I don't care about any of that. If something's up, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. I like a good surprise." Gojyo's upper lip curled as though he'd been spat on. "I can protect my kid myself. I'm not going with you."

"I'm not sure you get it- I ain't givin' you a choice." Dokugakuji straightened up and lunged for Gojyo, and pulled him off the ledge to the overhang. Gojyo could feel himself slipping, but there was gunfire. A bullet grazed Doku's arm, and he let go of Gojyo, and both men slid down the ledge towards the overhang. Gojyo caught himself, but Dokugakuji slid off and to the ground. He groaned as he checked himself for where the bullet hit. It looked like an intentional miss, but there was a burn where the bullet had just missed him. As Gojyo began trying to scramble back up the roof, he looked at the smoking gun in Sanzo's hands, as the priest stood at his window, robe folded down, still staring down the sight directly at him.

"Get back inside before someone sees you." Sanzo adjusted his aim to point at Dokugakuji again, but Doku knew better and fled down the street, gone before Gojyo could take a second look. "It's bad enough that I could hear you." Gojyo scaled back up the roof to Sanzo's window ledge, clutching the bed sheet around him as he started to close the window. Gojyo stopped him with one hand and crawled into Sanzo's room, panting to catch his breath.

"What the hell are you doing up at this hour anyway?" Gojyo managed to get back to a stand, adjusting his toga tighter to his body, as Sanzo went to unlock his door. "Why are you protecting me?"

"Get out." Sanzo opened the door and pointed out into the hall. Gojyo scowled bitterly and shoved past him.

"Don't even know why you bothered helping me."

As Gojyo passed him into the hallway, Sanzo scoffed. "You really think I'm just going to let you and the bastard get hurt?" Before Gojyo had a chance to turn around, Sanzo slammed the door behind him.

Gojyo stared at the door, and couldn't stop himself from leaning and pressing himself against it. His nose was still sensitive, so could still smell Sanzo in the air even when he was gone. Earth, incense, yellowed paper, sunlight. Gojyo tried to feel Sanzo, imagining the warmth of the priest against his belly in his embrace. Those moments were richer in his memory. What had felt stiff and uncomfortable in the heat of the moment was turning to withheld, aching passion full of unspeakable desire in his mind. He felt a groan against his tongue, swallowed it and gasped softly. He finally forced himself from the door, and shuffled down the hallway with his heart throbbing.

_You saved me. I don't deserve it, but you saved me. I don't get it- don't you hate me?_  He remembered the contract- Sanzo had to give him comfort if he behaved, didn't he? Maybe that would make that awful, cold feeling go away, or at least help him forget how helpless he felt.

He turned back towards the door and silently pleaded with Sanzo to forgive him, even if he didn't know what he had to be sorry for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... someone get that boy some Prozac and a clue. Don't forget to comment if you have any questions or concerns!


	6. 5A: Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gojyo has needs, and he can't help what he still wants...

**5A: Want**

Silence could be painful, which was why Gojyo always talked. He and Goku played cards and games, Go Fish and War, right down to "I Spy" and counting birds, until they got bored out of their minds and began to argue over nothing. This always led to roughhousing, even as Gojyo's pregnancy had progressed. Goku tried not to hit Gojyo in the stomach, as big of a target as it was, but instead would give him noogies and yank his ears. Gojyo had no such restrictions, willing to pull hair and twist nipples if it would give him an advantage. There were never any winners, though, and the fight would always end with Sanzo whipping around and whacking the two of them atop the head with his fan. As Hakkai viewed it, in a fight between Gojyo and Goku, Sanzo always won.

However, after Sanzo saved him late in the night, the silence didn't matter. Gojyo would allow the quiet to needle him, letting his spine and neck tingle, nagging at him for hours on end, if he could get what he wanted. The very next day, Gojyo committed to “behaving” in the back seat- sitting quietly, hands folded in his lap, staring at the backs of Hakkai and Sanzo's heads and daydreaming. Goku tried to spur him into playing games, but Gojyo resisted.

“Come on, you're so boring!” Goku moaned, after failing to get Gojyo to break out the deck of cards again. “Are you getting sick again? Is it 'cause of little cousin?” He grinned slyly, expecting his taunt to get a reaction, but Gojyo rubbed his thumb and ring finger against the sides of his head. Disappointed, Goku sat back in his seat and folded his arms. “Man, you're lame.” Sanzo scoffed, but Hakkai let his gaze linger in the rear-view mirror for a moment too long as Gojyo hunched over, staring at the Jeep's floor.

Hakkai had noticed that Gojyo was acting like he had before learning of his condition, but had chosen not to say anything about it. Perhaps Goku was right- perhaps he was “sick again.” Further pregnancy symptoms seemed like the most obvious root.

As the baby grew, Gojyo grew with it, and his body was taking the brunt of it. Swollen ankles and random aches and pains were normal, but for a body not designed for its current use, worse problems were inevitable. Gojyo started to quietly complain of back pain, which was a significant red flag to Hakkai. Considering how little Gojyo was talking with his mouth clamped shut and his eyes on the floor, if he was mentioning it, Hakkai knew it had to be much worse than he let on. Even his chi influence wouldn't be able to suppress all of it, and he could only help when Gojyo asked for it. Gojyo's manly pride often got between him and the help he wanted or needed, so Hakkai had to feel his tension, as he dug his heels in on the floor and swallowed deeply to will out the sickness, until he either got through it or caved. Mercifully, Gojyo's nausea faded away, or at least lessened, but his aversion to most foods remained, and he began to have desperate cravings. Hakkai only realized the extent of these in the middle of Gojyo's fourth month, after a night camping in a lush forest clearing:

Gojyo was sitting away from the fire as Hakkai prepared dinner for the party. Goku had managed to take down a deer and dragged it back to camp, and Hakkai had finished the job with a knife. Sanzo muttered funeral rites, though none of the others were sure if he was being sarcastic or simply pedantic, while Hakkai cleaned, gutted, and skinned it. Hakkai had put the skin to dry on a laundry line, treated with salt and lye- “Never know when we'll need an extra blanket,” Hakkai had said- he'd ground the bones to seed the earth and set up a smoke box for the bulk of the meat. He had left out just enough to make four skewers of venison chunks, and along with some chopped peppers and onions. To anyone else, this meal would have looked like camp-out cuisine. To Gojyo, though, it was sensory overload.

He had his mouth and nose covered, as he always did during meal times, because the smell of cooking meat and black pepper gave him a headache. Even when cooking was finished, the smell of hot meat lingered, and Gojyo's mouth watered against the rising bile. He kept himself as far away from the fire pit as he could without leaving Hakkai's line of sight, curling up beside a verdant and lush but crooked linden tree to try and block out the simultaneously tantalizing and disgusting smell. His stomach growled and twisted at the same time, calling out for something he knew they didn't have. “Just... shut up in there.” He jabbed his thumb into his midsection. “I'm not-” he stopped when he realized he was arguing with the baby, who had not started the argument, and probably could not argue back. He sighed, and pressed his back to the tree and tried to ignore the others as they started their meal, Hakkai and Sanzo clearing their skewers onto a plate, while Goku chomped his meat off the stick. He shaded his face from view and waited for Hakkai to finish in the hopes that he could settle his stomach long enough for him to consume and digest _some_ of it. Goku noticed, however, that Gojyo was making soft gagging, sobbing noises even where he sat. He took his skewer in hand, still pulling meat off the stake with his teeth, and toddled over to join him.

"Hey, Gojyo, aren't you and little cousin hungry?" He held his stake out to Gojyo, letting him smell the dripping meat. “You got a lot of tummy to fill, so you better get started!” Gojyo pinched his nose.

"Idiot monkey, you're gonna make me sick! Leave me alone!" He buried his face in his arms, glaring at the ground. “I don't want your crap!” Goku pouted.

"Don't call me an idiot! Anyway, you can't have this one, it's mine!" Goku said, bouncing away from Gojyo. He beckoned him with a waved hand. "Come over here and have some!"

"I don't want it! Just fuck off!" With this, Sanzo put his plate down, pulled out the harisen, strode over to Gojyo and smacked him on the back of the head with his fan. Gojyo, with his face pressed into his forearms, hadn't even seen it coming, but glared over the edge of the muscle at Sanzo.

"You'll die if you don't eat.” Sanzo looked down his nose at Gojyo, eyes narrow and sandals flat and rigid against the dust. “If you want to die, go get killed somewhere else- I'll find you a mad youkai if you'd like- but you're not going to do it like this." Sanzo folded his arms, and Gojyo stood up to face him.

"The smell of that meat makes me feel sick. I can't help it.” He felt nausea wash over him as Sanzo's eyebrow raised and his upper lip curled into a derisive sneer. “It's not like I want to fuckin' starve to death, but I ain't got much goddamn choice!”

"What do you want to eat?" Sanzo put his face close to Gojyo's, their eyes locked. Gojyo refused to answer, glaring back.

“Quit pretending to give a shit, stinking monk, and go eat your shitty meat over there.” Gojyo remained still, but he felt his shoulder tingle at another presence beside him.

"Gojyo, is there anything I can make for you? We have some other provisions." Hakkai had joined the two, but both Gojyo and Sanzo had completely blocked out his approach as he and Sanzo locked icy eyes. Gojyo felt Hakkai's hand on his shoulder, and his resolve softened for long enough for him to find an answer.

"Kimchi or pickles." Gojyo's eyes flashed to Hakkai, though the rest of him was still focused on Sanzo. Sanzo's eye twitched.

"All this complaining about how bad things smell, and you want kimchi or pickles?"

"Yes. That's what I want." Gojyo folded his arms tight, eyes and tone sharp. "You want me to eat? Get me a pickle, asshole!"

"I would, but I wouldn't know which hole to stick it in!" Sanzo snapped back, elbows tight, back stiff. Gojyo gritted his teeth, fists at the ready and elbows drawn back, but Hakkai stepped between the pair to hold Gojyo back the second he tried to lunge forward. Sanzo lit a fresh cigarette and turned away, while Gojyo tried to push past Hakkai to get at Sanzo.

"Let me strangle the stupid bastard! I'll beat him to a pulp!"

"Now, now," Hakkai could only laugh, as Sanzo went back to his place and Gojyo swore insults at his retreating back:

“You have no fucking clue how this feels! I'll beat your brains in if you fuck with me or my kid!”

Even Goku had to look over at Sanzo. “Why you gotta mess with him? You know he's in a bad mood.”

Hakkai was glad that with pickled cabbage available in their cooler and restocked at every rest stop, Gojyo was eating, and it was more apparent than ever that he was eating for two. His midsection had swollen to the point where baggy clothes couldn't hide it, curving out significantly under his ribcage and lapping his waistband. Soon, his folded hands covered a considerable bump, with his belt removed and his shirt stretched. His pants were much tighter, especially around his hips, but even the baggy legs felt a little less roomy through the thighs. It could have been excused as weight gain, but his cheeks were too thin, and his neck and wrists were thinner than ever- Hakkai was certain he would be wasting away if he weren't being forced to eat sometimes. However, Hakkai could see the increase around his middle almost day to day, and he was sure Gojyo noticed it. He obviously didn't like his new, more pear-like shape, and Hakkai could tell just from the look on his face when he folded his hands over his growing middle. He would glare whenever Goku poked it and teased, but as he withdrew again, he stopped reacting. Somehow, that he'd shut down his annoyance and resorted to just covering the swell as much as he could was another red flag to Hakkai. All of this just led him to keep a close, but discreet eye on him.

_'After all, he's been good since he accepted the child,'_ Hakkai had reasoned. _'He doesn't need me to mother him. Just to be sure he stays on the right path.'_ He resolved to maintain some distance- after all, he was a man and an adult, and he had to learn to take care of himself sometime, especially since he would soon have to take care of someone else.

In spite of him maintaining his distance, Gojyo knew Hakkai was watching him, but he didn't care. Hakkai was giving him more independence (thankfully) and he had a chance to have his way. After the rope had been cut, it hadn't been put back on, and Gojyo was now allowed to summon his weapon at will. He was allowed to gamble again, and Hakkai even let him have his own room when there was room enough at their selected inn for it. He even managed to slip the rare horrible-tasting cigarette out of Sanzo's robe pocket and would smoke it in private. It may have tasted foul to the point where his tongue stung, but the nicotine was a welcome relief.

Even with his freedom, though, he couldn't return to normal. He didn't drink because even Goku would stop him if he even tried to order anything, so he'd stopped bothering. _'After all,'_ he mused, _'Wouldn't want it fucking up the kid's brain.'_ Even worse, the one vice he could still get away with, gambling, was no longer fun. Before, when he would play, he would let his natural charm and charisma dictate the pace of the game, and he would usually use it to his advantage. Now, he felt an unfamiliar anxiety when he sat at a table with unfamiliar people where he never had before. He used to not care who looked at him, nor in what way, but now he sensed judgment and even derision. Not once had anyone said anything about his size, but it may have just been that they couldn't tell when he was sitting down. He could get over that, but the worst part about gambling was the presence of the fairer sex. Floozies loved a good poker player, after all- all the better to rob him blind in the morning. Once Gojyo did find his pace, he was still good, and it got attention. Women surrounded him, mussing his hair and flirting. He could grin and use it to torment his fellow players, but he felt nothing from their admiration, and he didn't want them to look at his lap where his belly pressed against the bottom of the table. He didn't even want them to touch him- especially not when he realized that Hakkai and Sanzo were both watching him from across any tavern they'd settled in for the night.

He hadn't changed his mind on his sudden realization that he wasn't attracted to women as much as he had been, even though the thought still freaked him out- when had he outranked the touch of a woman for men? But it wasn't men he cared about- he didn't want any man. He wasn't looking for sex, he didn't want that either. He had stopped carrying condoms in his back pocket. He didn't even feel good when a woman whispered her dirty thoughts in his ear. He didn't want them anymore.

What he wanted sat in the front seat of the Jeep, reading a newspaper or sleeping, with his golden hair glimmering in the sunlight.

Gojyo wanted Sanzo. Only Sanzo, just Sanzo, just him. He didn't know why and he would never be able to explain it, but he wanted to be pushed down and degraded, just for the sake of human contact- any other touch would have felt perverse to him. He didn't care that it would hurt- he wanted to feel worthy of attention, even if it was only for a second. He was sure it was almost impossible, but the thought of Sanzo's hands on his body were enough to ground him for a moment. However, there was a glimmer of hope:

_“You really think I'm just going to let you and the bastard get hurt?”_

Sanzo hadn't mentioned the incident to Hakkai and Goku, as far as Gojyo could tell. Hakkai had slept soundly on when he'd slipped back into their shared room, and no further mention of Dokugakuji's appearance had come up. Gojyo was thankful for this, as he was sure if Hakkai had known his brother was trying to take him, then he would have become more protective than before. Gojyo couldn't imagine why Sanzo was keeping quiet, but he had a few ideas.

_Maybe he doesn't think it's important to say anything. Maybe he thinks I can take care of myself. Maybe he doesn't want Hakkai to protect me. Maybe he just wants me to be indebted to him._

All of it maybes, none of it for sure. He didn't even care about the reasoning, but being rescued was enough to trigger another new emotion in him, one he didn't have a name for. But he knew longing, he knew desire, and he knew he wanted one more night with Sanzo. He also knew that the contract that kept his heart locked and his mouth shut was still valid.

Even he wasn't sure why he hadn't broken the contract. He knew now he could have told Hakkai just who had fathered the baby, and Hakkai would probably have taken him at his word, but Sanzo would have denied it, denied him, and never would have let him come close to him again. Gojyo only then realized that even at the depths of his despair, when he was so angry at his situation he couldn't think straight, he didn't want that to happen. Now, it was his lifeline. He behaved as well as he could so he could invoke the contract's terms, but since he knew Sanzo now loathed his very existence, he couldn't expect much. However, he did whatever he could think of. He didn't fight with Goku, he resisted his urges to horse around in the car, he didn't speak more than a word or two within three meters of Sanzo, no matter how much he wanted to:

“Gojyo, any idea what you would like to eat for dinner?” Hakkai asked, looking over his shoulder. Gojyo stared at his feet and shrugged. “Really, no preferences at all?” Gojyo shrugged again. “Hmm.” Hakkai turned his gaze back to the road. “Well, if you do think of something, let me know.” Gojyo waited in silence until the next rest stop, then pulled Hakkai aside.

“I don't care what we have for dinner, but I really don't want anything that has fish in it,” he confided, looking over his shoulders to ensure he wasn't heard by the others. Hakkai smiled and patted his shoulder.

“Duly noted. Don't be shy- after all, your appetite is sensitive enough as it is.” His hand slid down Gojyo's shoulder to the small of his back. “So, tell me, have you noticed the baby moving at all? You would probably feel it if it did.” Gojyo hid a flinch as Hakkai's thumb landed on the side of his belly.

“Uh- well-” He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and noticed Sanzo had come closer to the two, arms folded and glowering at the sides of their heads. He lowered his eyes and shook his head.

“Ah.” Hakkai cocked his head and folded his arms, resting his chin on the back of his hand. “I would like to know, if only so I can feel it. After all, I doubt I'll have a chance to experience that ever again. Shall we?” Hakkai turned and retreated towards the Jeep, and Gojyo sighed and scratched the back of his head. Sanzo moved to follow him, but stopped a meter away from him.

“What idiocy were you talking about?” Sanzo kept his arms folded tight to his chest, eyes narrow, lips thin. Gojyo hung his head, lowering his eyes. He was too nervous to look Sanzo in the eyes, afraid of being seen as challenging him.

“Nothing important.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked away, feeling the extra weight under his cupped palms. Sanzo scoffed and dug in his pockets for a cigarette.

“Liar.” He lit up and smoked. The smell entranced Gojyo briefly, but he pushed it from his mind, let the insult roll off his back, but something about how he said the word stuck.

But Gojyo stayed quiet. He sat still, bored out of his mind, and withdrawing deeper into it. If nothing else, the silence gave him time to think, and he found he had little other to think about than Sanzo.

_Maybe he's waiting for me to give up. Maybe he hasn't noticed that I'm being good. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he would rather I just leave._

And that thought was when he thought about Sanzo less, and himself more.

_Maybe I should. Maybe if I run, I'll be able to forget how I feel. Maybe I can ignore it. Maybe I could just vanish into the ether, make a new life for me and my kid, and forget this whole stupid thing- but Hakkai would miss me- but I'd be a lot less trouble for him. Maybe I wouldn't be missed. Maybe they'd be happier if I left. I know he would. I'm sure he would. Maybe I shouldn't bother anymore._

It went on and on like that, arguing himself in circles between reasons Sanzo wouldn't give him a chance, and reasons he should give up. He kept his hands over his middle, trying to hide it, but he couldn't- in fact, it had begun to hide things from him. He couldn't see his feet, and this became troublesome when he got into the one thing that distracted him from his silent contemplation- the daily assassination attempt.

It was rare nowadays that they met any attackers with any significant skill- the worst they'd had in the last month were the most recent set, a gang of three brothers well-versed in a corrupted version of Shao-lin martial arts. They'd cornered the Sanzo party on a hill and took the high ground, and pincered them with their lackeys surrounding them below. However, even that wasn't enough to overtake them. The party divided four ways for the fight. Hakkai and Goku each took on one of the brothers without a second thought, while Sanzo held off the last. The two youkai and Sanzo had to team up to finish the last one, leaving Gojyo at the bottom of the hill protecting their backs. In spite of his combat skills, Gojyo had been reduced to taking down their mooks, but even that had become hard for him. After just five minutes on his feet, dodging and running and fighting like hell, he was out of breath. He also discovered that his footing was uneven with every step, and he was quickly cornered. However, he refused to call for help.

“I can handle this shit on my own,” he decided under his breath, and roared as he redoubled his efforts. He managed to hold his own, stumbling and staggering his way through combat, until the last of the three brothers were dispatched with the Makai Tenjo spell, at which point the assailants turned tail and fled. His legs completely lost feeling, and he fell to his hands and knees, wheezing for breath. Hakkai rushed over to him, even though his wounds were not as serious as Goku's or Sanzo's, and got down in front of him.

“Are you hurt?” Hakkai put his hand on his chin and forced him to look up. Gojyo panted, but shook his head. He patted his cheek. “You can't keep doing this.”

“You'd... be...” Gojyo wheezed, hugging his chest. “Surprised...” He pulled back from Hakkai and curled up, feeling the blood running down his face and arms from the scratches and gashes. “Just... help them first. You all had the worst of it.” Hakkai reached for him again, but he pushed his hand away. “Go!” Hakkai chose not to argue another second, and went back to take care of their other two companions.

After their wounds had been healed, Hakkai sat Gojyo down in the back seat, letting him hand his legs out of the car and , then checked him over with a quick scan of his chi and tried to check the baby. “You strained a few muscles, but you're okay.” He gave his stomach a gentle pat. “The baby's okay, too- I still sense life, and vibrant life too! It's practically bubbling over- it almost seems too energetic!” He smiled, but Gojyo shrank back.

“Stop.” He turned his legs into the car and leaned his head against the back of the front seat. “Don't... touch it.” Hakkai withdrew his hand and looked at his fingers.

“Does it hurt when I read through your chi?”

“No, I just don't want you to touch it!” Gojyo's voice cracked, and he tried to cover his abdomen with his arms and hands. Goku and Sanzo had watched the exchange from halfway up the hill, Sanzo smoking and Goku picking at his bandages.

“What'cha think is wrong with him?” Goku looked over to Sanzo, who didn't look back.

“He's fine,” Sanzo grumbled, shifting his weight under him and sitting back against the grass. “He's just being difficult.”

The next morning, which marked sixteen weeks since he'd learned of his “condition,” Gojyo decided to take a different tack. The four found themselves facing another gang of youkai crawling out of the river by which they were trying to make camp. “Kappas.” Sanzo wrinkled his nose and readied his pistol. “Brilliant.” He kicked the Jeep door open (to Hakuryu's loud displeasure) and rushed to the front.

“I'll deal with this.” Gojyo summoned the shakujou to his hand, but as he tried to get to his feet, Hakkai turned around and shoved him down by his shoulder.

“Stay back,” he ordered, and jumped out of the Jeep. Goku had already followed Sanzo, leaving Gojyo alone. Gojyo watched, feeling an empty sensation in the pit of his gut as he realized what was happening. Hakkai was expecting him to watch them fight, and let himself be protected. He could see Hakkai looking over his shoulder at him, moving closer and stretching out his ki control to halt any enemy that came close to the Jeep. Then, he realized that Sanzo was watching him too- out of the corner of his eye, over his shoulder, but his eyes were fixed on him. Gojyo could almost feel his stare- like ice, sub-zero, and yet hot, like a vindictive child standing over an ant with a magnifying glass. But then Gojyo looked past it- the mad kappa with scaled claws extending towards Sanzo's neck. Gojyo couldn't stop himself from rushing from the car, stumbling his way between Sanzo and the youkai. His legs were shaking- he had no idea he could move that fast- but he caught the youkai's claws on the shaft of the spade and threw it off, then put the short blade through its neck. He dropped to his knees as Sanzo fired another shot over his head.

“Are you just waiting for someone to kill you?” Sanzo was no longer looking directly at Gojyo, as Hakkai finished the last of the youkai off. Gojyo caught his breath as the effort caught up with him, feeling his insides twist, and he had to support himself on the shaft of his spade. Sanzo looked down at him, and pointed the pistol at his head. “You were told not to get involved.”

“I ain't gonna stand by and let you get killed.” Gojyo released his weapon and pushed it in front of him as he fell towards his chest. He caught himself on his hands, and took another deep breath and turned his head up to look at Sanzo, straight up the barrel of the gun and into his face. “I don't care that you hate me.” Gojyo wasn't sure whether to be relieved or sick to his stomach- Sanzo was looking him in the eyes for the first time in what felt like forever, or at least several months. Sanzo didn't seem to have a response, but turned listlessly away.

“I don't want to sleep here. I suggest we move on.” He holstered his gun and walked around Gojyo, folding his arms in his sleeves. Hakkai moved forward to help Gojyo to his feet, but Gojyo pulled his feet under him and got to a stand. He pressed his hand into his front, smoothing down his shirt. Hakkai tried to grab at him, but Gojyo pulled away.

“I'm fine, bro.” Gojyo dusted himself off, but felt a chill run down his side. No, more than a chill- a new sensation, like the shifting of a muscle, but firmer. He rested his hand there, and could feel a distinct movement within. His jaw fell open, as he realized the baby had started moving and, by his guess, was elbowing his oblique muscles. Hakkai noticed his expression- mouth hanging open, eyes distant, shoulders dropped, looking dumbstruck.

“Are you certain?” Hakkai waved his hand in front of Gojyo's face. Gojyo noticed Sanzo turning his eyes back to him over his shoulder, and wiped his face to blank.

“It's nothing.” He laced his hands behind his back, trying not to touch his middle and resisting the urge to tell Hakkai that the baby was awake and alive, that he could feel it either kicking or elbowing him- he wasn't sure- but those lazy purple eyes and their constant creeping ice made him silence himself. Instead, he slouched over and shuffled back to the Jeep, shrugging off Hakkai's touch. Sanzo scoffed as Gojyo passed him to get into the back seat.

“Quit pouting. For once, you're not pissing me off.” Gojyo nodded and turned his head so Sanzo couldn't look him in the eyes, but his heart was dancing in his chest.

_You do know I exist. Maybe you want me too. Please say you want me. That's all I really want._ He curled up in the seat and stared at the back of Hakkai's headrest, forcing himself not to look at Sanzo. _Please want me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a side note, in the original write, this chapter and the next were originally one. So the next chapter will be 5B.
> 
> Check back in two weeks for more!


	7. 5B: Reciprocate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He only wanted to know if he could be wanted back...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters are not mine, and no matter how hard I work, I still do not profit.

**5B: Reciprocate**

Under fresh bandages and the setting sun, the Sanzo party drove on from the kappa-infested creek in near-silence but for the revving of the engine. Gojyo stared out the window, heart bouncing between his ribs in his chest. The sensation of his own heart was somehow more exciting than the sensation in his belly- at least for a little while. Soon, it became apparent that the movement wasn't stopping.

_Is this what you're like when you're awake?_  "Quit that." He prodded his stomach, but quickly bit his own tongue as he realized,  _I'm talking to it again._  Sanzo and Hakkai had both looked back at him when he'd spoken, the former with a raised brow, the latter with half a glance in the rear view mirror.

"Did you say something?" Hakkai asked, looking again at the road.

"No, just... talkin' to myself." Gojyo cringed, as Sanzo straightened his lips and turned back around. Goku seemed to notice the wrought expression Gojyo wore.

"Did you get hurt?" He leaned closer, and grabbed Gojyo's arm to look it over. "I don't see any cuts or bruises, not even a little boo-boo!" Gojyo pulled his arm away, and folded his arms and legs in as tight as he could. He knew Sanzo was still listening to him, he knew he could lose what he'd earned, and he couldn't afford that.

_'For once, you're not pissing me off.'_  That simple phrase was indication enough that Sanzo would be willing to honor their contract. He just had to keep it that way.

The sun sank, though June still sweltered in pulsating waves of humidity and heat around them. Gojyo's clothes stuck to his skin, his hair slick against his neck and forehead. The others were sweating as well, but Gojyo could tell that Sanzo was the only one remotely as warm as he was-  _That robe has gotta be stifling._

Still, they drove on for an hour in the dark, finally finding a town in the foothills of a mountain. The river still flowed past it, powering a grinding mill near the edge of town, but there was no evidence of the youkai infestation there. It seemed based on its size that it would have been a fairly busy market town during the day- lots of three-story buildings and narrow streets. The Jeep whined as they rolled through the town, barely fitting between the sidewalks, the engine shuddering in first gear. Hakkai patted the wheel. "We're fine." He sighed as the Jeep chattered back at him. "We fit." Gojyo couldn't hide a noise that was somewhere between a chuckle and a scoff- he knew how the Jeep felt.

"Just a little too big for your britches, eh?" He patted the side of the car, which resulted in an angry whine from the motor.

They had to check with three of the town's inns before they found one with any rooms at all. There were two single-bed rooms in the one they found, which sat near the town center in the midst of the crooked and cramped streets. Gojyo couldn't imagine how they weren't more popular, especially with how rowdy their tavern was. Hakkai figured it out as they carried their things up to the rooms on the second floor (or, more accurately, as Hakkai carried his and Gojyo's bags, Goku carried his own pack, and Sanzo silently marched behind them, empty-handed.) "You can hear the noise from below as if you were in there." He nodded towards the shuddering floorboards. "It may be convenient to the town center, which is why all the off-shift workers are unwinding below, but anyone actually wanting to sleep may have some difficulty."

The rooms were spaced around the corner around from one another. As they opened the first one and Goku bounded in, Sanzo drew his face into a sterner-than-usual expression. "Sleeping with him will make sleeping at all impossible." He glowered at Goku, who had started jumping on the bed.

"Ah, you'd rather we gambled on it?" Hakkai giggled, and Gojyo looked away to hide a guilty look from Hakkai. "That's fine by me, we could use a meal anyway- I don't feel like sleeping yet myself." He glanced over to Gojyo, who turned his face further away. "How about we just put our things down for the moment? We'll sort it all out later."

Hakkai took Gojyo down the hall and set their bags on the bed. "Freshen up," he encouraged Gojyo, gesturing towards the bathroom with a nudging motion. Gojyo shrugged, and washed his face and the back of his neck in the bathroom sink. He tried not to look at his reflection- as of the past few months, he never liked what he saw. He splashed some cold water in his hair, wringing it through his bangs. He stared into the basin for a moment, then sighed- he felt that odd twitching in his stomach again.

"I thought I told you to quit that!" He groaned and gave his midsection a light slap. Hakkai popped his head in from the other room.

"Oh, is she acting up?"

"Who the hell said it was a 'she'?!" Gojyo threw his arms rigid to his sides, as Hakkai entered and approached.

"Let me see." Without waiting for permission, Hakkai's hands landed on his belly. He ran them all over, and finally stopped when he found the movement. "Ah! There she is."

"I'm still askin' about that 'she.' Get off." He pushed Hakkai's hand away. Hakkai's smile broke to a rather hurt look for a moment, but he pushed a small smile back to the surface.

"Does it really bother you that much? And..." He folded his arms and tucked his hands against his chest. "I'm calling the baby a 'she' because it might help you get used to the idea of a little person living inside you, coming into your life. You keep saying 'it.'"

"It's livin' inside me, I got that part." Gojyo strode past Hakkai out of the bathroom, and Hakkai followed at his heels. "And I know it's gonna come out eventually." He dropped himself onto the bed and started to dig through his bag. "I don't get why you wanna start calling it a girl, though!"

"Perhaps that's my own bias." Hakkai crouched in front of Gojyo, looking up at him over his middle. "Perhaps I would like it to be a girl. Somehow, it seems right- the eldest in the family should be a daughter."

"Family," Gojyo repeated. The word felt soft and unpleasant on his tongue, and the disgust must have showed in his face from Hakkai's reaction:

"You do want a family, don't you?" His hand reached out again, then twitched back. Gojyo sighed.

"It's fine," he relented under his breath. "I just really hate when you do this in front of the others." Hakkai smiled, and he put his hand on Gojyo's side.

"If you'd rather I keep this between us, that's fine." His smile seemed much more natural as he rolled up the bottom of Gojyo's shirt and slipped his hand against the taut skin. "I know your family life has been very, very limited. But this child will be your family- our family. I'll be a proud uncle, and incredibly happy. You will be too- you'll see." Gojyo shivered as the baby's movement gravitated towards Hakkai's touch. "There you are, darling." His eyes showed a deep warmth, and Gojyo settled back against the bed. Hakkai's hand was strangely soothing, and Gojyo wondered if he was manipulating his chi. He couldn't feel the usual tug at his energy flow- maybe this contentment was natural. He shifted his weight further back, relaxing the muscles in his back. Hakkai seemed encouraged, smiling a little wider. "Is there any way you can tell me when you conceived?"

"No." Gojyo lowered his eyes.

"Hmm." Hakkai seemed nonplussed, rubbing his chin with two fingers as he thought. "By my guess, you must be at least twenty weeks- since we learned of this about sixteen weeks ago. But your basal height-" he stopped, putting his hand under Gojyo's navel and the other at his hips. "It's been consistently too high." He put his other hand behind his back, and tapped his index finger on the fullest part of his belly. "You've got a bit too much here, but I'm sure you've just gained extra weight because you're so skinny. I shouldn't try and apply female standards to you, it's not really fair." Gojyo grumbled, ignoring the heat in his cheeks.

"How you know all this shit, anyway?"

"I picked up a book when I found out you were expecting." Hakkai withdrew his hands and went for his pack. He held out a book to Gojyo- 'A Medical Guide to High-Risk Pregnancy.' He set the book on the bed beside Gojyo. "I've picked up one or two or six at nearly every town we've stopped in since." Hakkai took out a few more books: 'Baby Basics,' 'A Home Guide to Midwifing,' 'Cooking for Two,' and a set of knitting patterns for baby clothes. "There's more in the Jeep's boot, too." He giggled, as Gojyo gaped at the books. "Poor Hakuryu is so tired of carrying them all, but I read whenever I have a chance."

"Guess I ain't noticed." Gojyo took the first book and flipped a few pages over. He didn't understand most of the bigger words, but he saw diagrams and pictures that sort of made sense. Hakkai smiled serenely and sat back on his haunches.

"At twenty weeks, the baby is about twenty-five centimeters long." Gojyo noticed a dog-eared page and flipped to it, as Hakkai summarized what Gojyo saw printed. "He or she has fully formed arms and legs, fingers and toes, and eyelids. His or her ears should be formed as well, and you may notice her react to noises. In the next few weeks, you will start to notice him or her react to motion- he or she may already be able to feel you walking. A fine layer of hair-"

"This thing can hear me?" Gojyo cocked his head. His hand moved to his middle without him noticing, and Hakkai smiled.

"You've been talking to her, haven't you? She'll recognize your voice. It'll be her favorite sound in the world." Hakkai put his hand over Gojyo's, and Gojyo slouched his shoulders.

"If you're gonna do this, can you at least call it a he?"

"If you prefer that, then yes. A little boy will be delightful. He'll be just like his mama." Hakkai stood up, and Gojyo jumped to his feet.

"That 'mama' shit stops right there! I'm Daddy, motherfucker!" He thumbed his chest, and Hakkai laughed a pleasant, amused laugh, clapping to himself- clearly, this was a victory for him.

"Let's go eat. You must be famished- and so is he." Hakkai put his hand on Gojyo's shoulder and escorted him from the room. Gojyo hid his disabused look behind his turned back, and forced his hands into his pockets. Saying it out loud made it seem much more real: he was going to be a Daddy. This wasn't going to end when this  _thing_  was out of him, was it?

* * *

Under Sanzo's harsh stare, all thoughts of "Daddy" vanished. He was just him, with something extra, sitting as quietly as he could amongst the raucous party in the inn tavern at their table beside the stairs and shutting everything else out. He 'behaved' as best as he could. He didn't complain at the plate of chicken and limp asparagus unceremoniously dropped before him by a disgruntled and exhausted waitress. The sight of it made bile jump into his throat, but he choked it down, hiding his gagging into his vest collar. Sanzo and Hakkai drank a few beers over dinner, while Goku tried to engage Gojyo in conversation around mouthfuls of rice. Gojyo folded his arms and stared at the wall, legs shaking restlessly, and ignored Goku. Goku groaned, and pounded his fist on the table in front of him.

"You're no fun. Why do you look so mad? Does your tummy hurt?" Sanzo and Hakkai both looked, as Gojyo lowered his head.

"I'm just tired, okay?"

"It is near midnight, isn't it?" Hakkai took out the deck of cards. "And we haven't agreed on who's sleeping where." Sanzo sighed and put his cigarette out.

"Fine. Same rules as usual?"

Three hands of poker, no bluffs, highest hand wins. For a moment, all Gojyo could hear was the tapping of the shuffling cards against the table and blood rushing through his veins. This was his game to win- or lose.

"Okay, winner of this round gets the first bed." Hakkai as he dealt five cards to each of them, each card sliding across the table as smoothly as a swan on water. Goku picked his up for the first peek.

"Aww, only two tens?!" He slapped the cards back down.

"Three nines." Sanzo didn't tip his cards, but none of the others would question his word.

"Fuck all." Gojyo tossed his worthless hand back to the center of the table.

"Four aces. Lucky me!" Hakkai laughed. Goku and Gojyo grunted and groaned and rolled their eyes, and their merry mass murderer shuffled and dealt again, leaving himself out. "Next bed to the winner of this round." Goku picked up his hand first again, and groaned, already disappointed.

"Two sixes! So lame!"

"Two queens." A hint of a victorious smirk crossed Sanzo's visage- he shouldn't have been so cocky, except he must have known how bad Gojyo's luck would be that night:

"Fuck all." Goyjo sighed and threw his cards back into the pile. Hakkai raked them back towards himself and shuffled one more time.

"Oi, Gojyo, winner of this round gets to sleep on the floor with Hakkai," Goku suggested. "Deal?"

"You're on, monkey. Watch me." Gojyo's words were daring, but his tone somber- he had never wanted to lose a card game more in his life. He draped his arm over the back of his chair and slouched, as Goku leaned forward with anticipation, bouncing in his seat. Hakkai dealt ten cards, and each man stared at his face-down hand. Goku picked up his hand, and squinted with disappointment.

"Ohh, three eights. Gojyo, what do you have?"

Gojyo stared at his hand of four kings and an ace. He looked between Hakkai, Goku, and Sanzo, and finally sighed. "Fuck all." He tossed the cards back in the pile, and quickly began to shuffle the deck again.

Three hands, bluffs were fair game, and the lowest hand won the prize. Gojyo would never tell the others that he had changed the rules.

"I'll switch with you," Hakkai offered as he took the deck from Gojyo. "I'll stay on the floor with Sanzo, you can have my bed."

"Deal's a deal, and I'm a man of my word." Gojyo sat back again and folded his hands in his lap. Even Goku wore a pitying look now.

"Man, why do I feel so bad for winning?" He put his chin in his hand and moaned to himself. Sanzo sneered and got to his feet. Hakkai got up as well, taking a step to follow him.

"Will you switch?" Hakkai held his hand out, and Sanzo turned back to him, eyes full of that ice that was all too familiar to Gojyo. Sanzo didn't have to answer. Hakkai lowered his hand, and bowed his head. "Then, will you at least be kind to him for tonight?"

"Only if he behaves himself." Sanzo turned on his heel, taking a newspaper off the bar as he passed. He ascended the stairs, newspaper under his arm, and Gojyo hung his head.

"You shouldn't have to stand up for me." He had no idea why getting what he wanted felt this shameful, but his insides were swimming. Without Sanzo staring him down, he could release all the terrible that he'd bottled up for the past two hours and put his head in his hands. Goku moved his chair closer to Gojyo's.

"Cheer up!" He patted his back, though Gojyo tried to slouch away from him. "You can't mope just because things are hard, because things get better!"

"Do you have any idea how stupid you sound?" Gojyo shrugged Goku off. "Goddamn stupid philosophy monkey." Goku tried to latch back on, but Gojyo held him at arm's length.

"Just think about how he would want you to feel," Hakkai reminded Gojyo in his other ear. "Besides, if the baby likes Goku, you might be able to pawn him off sometimes." Gojyo groaned, and relented. Goku hung himself over Gojyo, squeezing his bulging tummy with happy hands. Gojyo gritted his teeth, his eye twitching, but resisted the urge to peel the handsy monkey off of him. Hakkai backed off and laughed, as Goku wrapped himself around Gojyo like an octopus. Goyjo was finally forced to smile, and set his hands on his own middle around Goku's. Hakkai imagined he was warming up to Goku's touch, but he couldn't be sure- he couldn't read his expression.

Gojyo didn't know what it was, but the feeling of a kind hand on his middle was somehow incredibly welcome. Suddenly, he was absolutely certain of what he wanted from Sanzo.

* * *

**(Suggested Track: "Breezeblocks," as covered by Konoba on Youtube. Originally by Alt-J.)**

Gojyo stared at the door to his and Sanzo's room, and braced himself. Hakkai had tried to carry his bag out of his room for him, but he had insisted on going alone, and now waited at the doorjamb with it slung over his shoulder. He knocked twice and got no response. He stepped back from the door, shuffled his feet, and waited about thirty seconds. He knocked again, once, and waited. No response.  _Of course not._  Gojyo sighed, and turned the handle on the off chance that Sanzo had left it unlocked. The hinges clicked and the door swung open.  _Huh. So much for off chances._

Sanzo was seated on the bed, smoking a cigarette and reading his newspaper, as was his nightly ritual. Sanzo glanced up over the edge of the paper, over the rim of his reading glasses, for less than a moment, then continued to read. Gojyo dropped his bag, knowing he would get no other greeting; what little acknowledgment he got was enough. He grabbed his soap and toothbrush and trudged to the bathroom to prepare for sleep. The floorboards creaked under him, almost insulting him, but the tile of the unusually clean bathroom felt good against his aching feet. He splashed some water on his face, rubbing the filth of the day off. He caught a glimpse of himself in front of him, and looked up to stare at himself in the mirror. He couldn't remember the last he'd looked himself straight on, and was quickly reminded why. His eyes were ringed blue from lack of sleep, his cheekbones hollow, and his hair was uncooperative and wild. He yanked his vest and shirt off, and his gaze drifted back to his reflection. He looked at his frame, his round middle, and cupped the swell in his palms. It was heavy in his hands- the weight of his burden. He pressed his nose against the mirror, another sigh escaping his lips.

He couldn't stop wishing it would just go away. It wasn't even a matter of not wanting the baby. He wanted to turn the clock back to before the pregnancy, to when Sanzo could stand him, or when Sanzo would touch him, or even when the two were just mutually spiteful. He didn't even understand why he longed for Sanzo now- Sanzo had hurt him so badly, and he'd tried to avoid it, but now he wanted it back. And yet, it seemed hopeless. It was obvious Sanzo didn't have even an ounce of interest in him, and Gojyo wasn't sure what was more painful: hatred or indifference.

"You." Gojyo glanced to the washroom door, where Sanzo stood, glasses off and paper in hand. Gojyo wasn't sure when he'd come up, but he straightened up as Sanzo stared him down, arms folded. "You threw the card game."

"I did not." Gojyo smirked back at him- the look Sanzo was giving him was just daring him to pick a fight. "You look at my cards? I didn't peg you for a cheater."

"I can tell when you're lying." Sanzo clicked his tongue and tossed the newspaper down.

"Can you really?" Gojyo let the drawl slip out, a real smirk escaping to his cheeks. He set his hands on his hips and leaned closer, just daring Sanzo to throw an insult. "What's my tell?" Sanzo gave him no reaction, just the flat reply:

"You open your mouth." Gojyo scoffed, but he felt a fire inside-  _It's almost like it used to be_. Then, Sanzo's tune changed, his brow wrinkled, and his tone darkened: "I know you've been trying hard to behave. You want sex, you sick pig?" Sanzo's tongue might as well have been dripping venom at those words. "Honestly, what's the point? No doubt you've been getting it a thousand other places. Your condition hasn't slowed you down- why let that get between you and your selfish-"

"I haven't had sex in more than five months," Gojyo interrupted. He tilted his head back and looked away; an awful, sick, hollow feeling had replaced the defiant joy of trading insults. "Last time was with you." He paused, and smirked for a moment. "Of course, you're not going to believe me, because my mouth is moving." He picked his clothes up and folded them on top of his bag, still trying to hide his misery with a smile all the while. He was sure the illusion would break if he had to look Sanzo in the eyes. "Truth be told, I don't even want sex."

"Then what do you want from me?" Sanzo folded his arms, and Gojyo hung his head as he rose to a stand. The hesitation was back, the pressure was upon him like a storm. With a soft growl, Sanzo closed the distance, seized him by his shoulders and slapped him across the face. "Talk! I know you want something from me, that's why you're acting like a goddamn statue. Talk!"

"How often do you tell me to shut up, Sanzo?" Gojyo chuckled softly, feeling alive briefly as his cheek stung.  _This is familiar._  Sanzo narrowed his eyes and swung his hand back again, but Gojyo held up one hand. "I just want you to hold me. Just for a little while. Just for a minute." He took a half-step back from Sanzo towards the wall, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "You ever held someone before? I did it once. It's nice. It's kind of like sex, but since you still gotta use your body, I thought it'd fall under the contract."

"That fucking contract." Sanzo looked like he was tasting something foul. "I regret that piece of paper every day. What you propose is more disgusting to me than sex." Gojyo shrugged, his shoulders slouching.

"Fine, I'll just go to sleep. Can I have a pillow for the floor, or should I just fold my clothes into one?"

"Shut up and lay on the bed." Sanzo retreated a few steps towards the bed, still barely looking at Gojyo through narrow eyes. "You look like you'll cry if I refuse you, and that's even worse." Emotions beyond Gojyo's grasp brightened every synapse in his mind, joy flooding his every feature, his posture upright, his smile deep and childlike. He wanted to hug Sanzo, but that would be pushing it. He dropped his pants to the floor, kicked them at the corner, crawled onto the bed and covered himself with the sheet. Sanzo removed his sandals and robe, neatly hanging the latter, then folded the sutra into a neat square, his motions gentle and delicate. He tucked it into the sleeve of his robe, and removed his belt. He seemed to contemplate the wall for a moment, then turned out the lamp and approached the bed.

Moonlight cast a blue hue over the room, dampened by the curtains, but Gojyo could still see Sanzo move in the dark. He crawled over the sheet, the bed creaking under him, and lay on his side beside Gojyo, on his side and staring at him. The gaze was like a dead fish, blinking so rarely, and Gojyo couldn't quite look at him straight. Instead, Gojyo edged as close to Sanzo as he could without touching his face, and wrapped his arms around the priest's thin chest. Sanzo seemed to recoil when Gojyo pulled him into his embrace, his body pressed against the curve of Gojyo's stomach, but he didn't pull away completely. After a moment, he almost seemed to settle into his arms, a mouse no longer struggling against a snake.

A content warmth flushed Gojyo's cheeks, and he rocked Sanzo against him. He couldn't hold back the soft sigh that escaped his lungs and crossed his lips. He stroked the smooth skin of Sanzo's back, silently wishing Sanzo would move just to prove he was alive. All he had was a pulse and the feeling of his breath against his breastbone. Then, Sanzo's hand drifted its way around Gojyo's side and landed on the small of his back, resting there, and it was enough. Their hearts beat slowly, in sync with one another, and Gojyo imagined for a moment in the stillness that he and Sanzo had some form of togetherness, some form of being one.

_That's... that's what I want? No. I can't want that. He's never gonna want that. Never._

They stayed entwined for a few minutes, but Gojyo was starting to feel sweat on his skin and ice from inside. He started to unwrap himself from Sanzo, but froze when Sanzo grabbed his arm. "Don't move," he muttered, and Gojyo realized that the hand that had slid to his back was now on his side. "That _thing_ is moving."

_Shit._

"Uh, yeah. It does that sometimes. I can't help it." Gojyo tried to pull away again, but Sanzo wrapped his other arm around the small of Gojyo's back. "H-hey-"

"Shut up." Sanzo glared into Gojyo's eyes. Gojyo couldn't respond- Sanzo's gaze was unreadable, unfathomable. He couldn't imagine what was going on behind those eyes. Finally, Sanzo's lips moved again, each word deliberate: "How many people did you sleep with?"

"You're going to need to be specific about a 'when' on that." Gojyo slid his hand off of Sanzo and onto his own side. "I don't think I've got a count for the whole last twenty-two years." Gojyo hid his coy smile into the pillow, but Sanzo grabbed a tendril of his hair and yanked it to keep his attention, forcing him to face him.

"Fine. Specific? Between when you signed our contract and when you got knocked up. How many women did you fuck?"

Gojyo didn't even need to think about it. "None." Sanzo scoffed- he didn't seem surprised.

"How many men?" Ah. There was the question he'd wanted to ask, and Gojyo had the answer to that one too.

"One." Gojyo let a melancholy smile slip as Sanzo finally released his arm. "Am I lying, Sanzo? Do you think I'm lying? I'm not. You're the only one-" He started to sit up, but Sanzo leaned towards him.

"Before you fucked me. Before." He spoke faster- he was starting to look frantic. "How many people did you sleep with in the month before that?" Sanzo demanded, still staring into Gojyo's eyes. The ice was melting, but now Gojyo was starting to see fire.

"Nobody. I had nothing, Sanzo, no luck for months." His skin started to crawl; his eyes started to itch. "I had to bleed my own damned poison every night since we started this damned mission and for at least three months before that. By my count, that's a really fucking long time. More than nine months ago." He laughed bitterly, as Sanzo's hands shook against his skin, and concluded, "If I got this thing stuck in me before then, then I have no idea when it's comin' out, because it clearly ain't human." Gojyo sat up and got out of bed, turning away from Sanzo as he went to retrieve his clothes. He stopped, facing the wall, and found the bravery to add: "It's only been you." Sanzo sat up as well, his hands clenched into fists.

"Are you telling me I'm the fucking fath-"

"You're nothing you don't want to be, High Priest Sanzo." Gojyo glanced over his shoulder as all the coyness and cleverness fell out of his voice, watching the horror wipe Sanzo's features, and didn't even try to hide the tears streaking his cheeks as he pulled his pants up. He grunted as he tried to button them, and failed to make the waistband meet. Sanzo jumped from bed and grabbed Gojyo's shoulders.

"Don't talk to me like that!" Sanzo throttled the other man in his grip. Gojyo couldn't be surprised by his rage, but it made him laugh against his own foolish tears. He braced himself, waiting for Sanzo to hit him again. The pressure of Sanzo's tempest swallowed him. Now in the eye of the storm, Sanzo dropped his voice considerably- soft now, but more dangerous than ever. "I fathered that thing?!"

"It doesn't matter, does it?" Gojyo kept his voice low, but managed to look back into Sanzo's eyes. "You don't care about it, and I'm bound by our contract not to tell anyone I ever did anything with you. I'm a man of my word, ain't I?" Sanzo sharply inhaled, the gasp shaking in his throat, and Gojyo looked down again. "I just wanted a minute of warmth, Sanzo. It's all I wanted from you. I'll never ask you for anything again." Gojyo pushed Sanzo's hands off of him, but staggered into the rack with Sanzo's robe from the effort. He bounded back and moved towards the door. Sanzo stood still, his hands shaking, body stiff and eyes wide, as Gojyo pushed the door open. He turned back to Sanzo for a moment. "I'll leave you alone now. Don't wait up for me. I'll just... sleep in the hall." Sanzo remained in place, fists clenched, finally finding the strength to scowl at the door as Gojyo closed it. Gojyo leaned against the door for a moment, and slid a cigarette he'd nicked from Sanzo's robe out of his pocket into his mouth. He felt the blow through the wood behind him as Sanzo punched the door, and couldn't help but chuckle as Sanzo swore something indiscernible about his mother. He lit the cigarette, shoved one hand in his pocket, and strolled down the hallway to the stairwell, relaxing in the scent of the smoke.

He had gotten what he wanted, didn't he? Why wasn't he happy?

* * *

**(Suggested Track: "Don't Trust Me," 3OH!3)**

Gojyo emerged to the street, and began to make his way out into the twilit city. His pants were sitting at his waist only from his hands stuffed in his pockets and by the grace of the gods, but there wasn't anything he could do about it now. He didn't know where he was going, taking random turns through the narrow streets, looking for anything that might distract him from the tumult in his mind.

_He knows now. I told him straight. That's what he wanted, isn't it? Of course he's angry at me, he doesn't want me to be honest with him. What does he want? What did he want? What do I want now?_

He felt the last bit of warmth from Sanzo fade off of his chest, and felt the cold creep in around the humid night air. He sighed, stopping for a moment and feeling the swishing, drumming sensation of his own heartbeat.

_Nothing_.  _Not anymore._

He let the cigarette dangle off his lower lip as he wandered down the dark streets, passing like a shadow between lamp lights, and twisted his hand up under the round of his middle.

The baby was still moving, and it was very active for whatever reason. He still wasn't used to the movements, and from the way it felt to him, it was very cramped even in his round belly. He realized his legs were tired, strained from the extra weight, and he leaned against a wall and folded his hands atop the bump. The baby had finally stopped, as suddenly as he'd started, and Gojyo sighed to himself.

"Stupid little bastard. If you hadn't started up, I could have been happy just a little longer." He ran his finger down one of the stretch marks that had formed, his finger tracing the groove. "The goddess must loathe me, or I must be dead. I feel like I'm in hell already." He hadn't realized, but he'd slid his legs out under him and started to sway his hips against the wall. The baby twitched back in response to the rocking motion, twisting around again. "I should'a known you were gonna get in the way. You're draggin' me down, kid. What am I gonna do with you?"

"Gojyo," a soft female voice spoke, and Gojyo looked up to see a familiar threesome before him. Dokugakuji, Yaone, and Kougaiji were before him, all staring at him, and he quickly straightened up and shoved his hands back in his pockets. He had no idea when they'd arrived, when they'd sneaked up and surrounded him, but god, did he hope they hadn't heard too much.

"The hell are you guys doin' here?" He looked at each of them in turn- the movement in his belly now overshadowed by the squirming in his stomach. Dokugakuji traded a glance with Kougaiji.

"I didn't want to believe it, but-" Kougaiji stopped when Dokugakuji put a hand on his chest, and Yaone stepped towards him.

"Come with us." She held her hand out. "We don't want to fight you."

Gojyo stared at the trio. Yaone looked like her pockets were full of tricks and traps, Dokugakuji's sword was slung across his shoulder, and Kougaiji didn't need a weapon at all. Gojyo was alone, unarmed, pregnant, and tired. He simply chuckled, and edged along the wall, eyes darting to find an escape. "Why do you wanna mess with me? I've got nothing you want. All I can offer you is my undying love and a couple dirty stories, and maybe not even the former." He grinned nervously, sidling along the wall towards the main street. Yaone blocked him, her posture shifting as her hand slid to her hip. "Look, this ain't even a fair fight. I'm alone. If we're gonna rumble over the sutra, let me at least go get them so we can have some goddamn fun with it-"

"We don't care about that." Kougaiji stepped forward and stretched one arm to block his path to the street, and leaned towards him. His face was close to Gojyo's, like Sanzo's had been, and Gojyo flattened himself against the wall. "You're my friend's little brother. We're not going to let his niece or nephew get hurt. It wouldn't at all be fair."

"Get away from me." Gojyo shoved Kougaiji back with the flat of his palm. "I don't want you to protect me." He pushed himself off the wall and took a step forward, drawing his shoulders up and back. "I don't need your pity!"

"It would be no fun to fight you if you're at a disadvantage. You're coming with us." As Kougaiji spoke, Dokugaku slid around to Gojyo's other side, and Gojyo summoned his shakujou.

"If you think I'm going down without a fight, you got another thing comin'!" Gojyo thrust the back blade at Doku, who jumped back and drew his sword. Yaone slipped her hands in her pockets and whipped them back out, surrounding Gojyo with what looked like cherry bombs. Gojyo wasn't going to stick around and find out, and he vaulted over them into the narrow alleyways. His heart was pounding, and his body was protesting the effort, legs aching, stomach twisting, head spinning, but the thrill of the chase felt so good. He could hear them behind them, Kougaiji shouting orders at the others.

"Doku, west, Yaone, east! He can't have gotten far!" He kept moving, but he heard footsteps behind him. Then, he realized it was also all around him- his own footsteps rang in his ear like the blood rushing through his head.  _Since when did I walk this fucking loud?!_  He found another crossroads, three directions he could run, but heard a whistle behind him as he skidded to a halt and tried to catch his breath.

"He's this way! Hurry!" Yaone shouted from behind him, and he swore to himself and turned left. He saw a large shadow looming down that path, the blade in his hand looking ever bigger in the crooked streetlights, swore again and ran straight ahead. He had no idea where he was going, and the streets kept getting more and more narrow. Worse, a dull pain was starting to roar up from deep in his bowels, and he was feeling the strain.

_I can't fight them, I can't run forever- what the fuck am I gonna do?!_

He soon found his last option closed when the street dead-ended at a stone wall. He turned around, and saw Yaone close behind him, spear in hand. He tried to hide, but the light from the outer streets was too much. She smiled, a sympathetic look in her eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Same here." He kept his shakujou at the ready, and she didn't lower her spear. "Just let me go. That way, nobody gets hurt."

"I'm afraid I need to act in the interest of the baby." She moved closer, swinging the spear back.

"Then I need to act in the interest of me." He rushed forward, releasing the chain on the shakujou. She caught the chain on her spear and move into the opening, elbowing him in the breast. He wheezed, but shoved her back.

"Please stop!" She moved forward again, as he sidestepped and got back into a fighting stance. "I don't want to hurt you or the baby!"

"Bad news, sweetheart-" he punctuated this by rushing in, blade out. She caught him again and threw him back and shoved her hand into her side pocket. "It's a fight! Someone's gonna get hurt!" He swung the other blade around, but she caught the shaft on her arm and threw some sort of powder into his eyes. It stung and burned, and he began trying to rub it off. It only made it worse, and he staggered back, coughing and choking as he inhaled it.

"What..." He hacked, trying to spit it out. "The hell-"

"Table pepper." She caught her breath as he tried and failed to do the same. "It's relatively harmless." By the time he could look up again, she was joined by her male cohorts.

"Yeah," he coughed, and slumped to his knees. "Harmless."

Cornered, exhausted, and dizzy, Gojyo no longer had any defense when Doku and Kougaiji grabbed him and lifted him off the ground. The shakujou fell from his hand. Gojyo struggled to get loose, yelling hoarsely for help, as Yaone pulled out a length of rope and quickly tied Gojyo's wrists and ankles. One of his boots fell loose as he struggled, but he was tightly contained as Dokugakuji slung him over his shoulder. Gojyo grunted as his brother's shoulder pressed against his swollen middle.

"You're gonna be okay." He patted Gojyo's back, as Yaone wiped Gojyo's eyes and face clean with some chemical Gojyo couldn't place by smell. Kougaiji scoffed as Gojyo tried to turn his face away. "We'll make you comfortable, little bro. I'll stay with you as much as I can to keep you company, and we'll take care of the kid." Dokugakuji shifted Gojyo's weight against his chest, and Gojyo tried to be as much dead weight as he could. It was fruitless, as Kougaiji led them out of the alleys. It seemed he remembered the path they'd taken into the alleys, and soon they emerged onto the main street.

"Come on, bro, I don't wanna go, I just want to go back to my friends." Gojyo tried to struggle as they moved down the street towards Kougaiji's long-distance dragons.

"Don't worry about them. Don't you worry about anything anymore." Doku didn't make eye contact, coldly staring into the distance as he clamped Gojyo firmly to his shoulder. Gojyo looked over his shoulder. He could just see the sign for the inn the others were staying at, and his last bit of strength rose to his throat.

"Damn it all, if you ever gave a shit about anything, you'd help me now!" He screamed, not even knowing who he was screaming for, and tried to thrash against Dokugakuji, but Doku didn't even bat an eye.

"Yaone, can we chloroform him, or do you have a gag?"

"A gag will suffice, I think," Yaone replied, glancing between the brothers in worry. "I would make him unconscious, but it would probably harm the child." Yaone let Dokugakuji pass her, and he stopped, allowing Yaone to tie a rag around his mouth. Gojyo tried to bite through it, but it was no use. He whined and moaned through it, still trying to get loose, but Doku's grip was firm. Kougaiji scoffed quietly as he circled the two.

"Quit complaining. It'll make this a lot easier on all of us." Kougaiji mounted his dragon, as Gojyo tried to tell him  _exactly_  what he thought of him and his mother through the gag. Doku set Gojyo side-saddle and Yaone helped him tie Gojyo's wrists to the saddle horn. Doku mounted behind him, and dug his heels in.

Gojyo watched the city fade behind them as the dragon rose in the air.  _Well, I'm fucked. Last fucking thing I wanted tonight._  He felt himself go lightheaded, and he passed out as they ascended past the rooftops.

* * *

Hakkai and Goku waited for Sanzo and Gojyo the next morning at the same table as the previous night in the now emptied tavern. Each was looking around and scratching their heads with anxiety over the rice and eggs at their places; Goku because he wanted to eat and couldn't until everyone was there, and Hakkai because he didn't know how the night had gone between the warring parties. Sanzo entered and joined the other two, and glanced between them. Both looked at him expectantly, and he cocked his brow.

"Don't stare at me like that." He took up the newspaper at his place and flipped it open. "Where's the lecher?"

"If you mean Gojyo, then we should ask you the same question," Hakkai said, rising from the table. Sanzo flipped a page over, hiding the anger rising in his cheeks behind the newsprint.

"How should I know? I'm not his keeper."

"He slept in your room last night." Hakkai's fingers twitched, but he kept his voice calm. "You know he's been volatile, Sanzo." Sanzo scoffed softly.

"He's an adult, he doesn't need me to sit him." Sanzo put the paper down and tossed it aside. "He left. Said he was going out and that he'd sleep in the hall." Hakkai backed away from the table and turned towards the door, then whirled back on the others.

"Goku, come on. Gojyo's done something stupid."

"Alright! It wasn't me this time!" Goku quickly wolfed down a bowl of rice, as something seemed to hit Sanzo. His eyes widened with horror, and he rested his hand on his forehead in thought. Hakkai folded his arms and tapped his feet as he waited for Goku to finish.

"Sanzo, do you have something to say?" Hakkai's eyes were fierce, and Sanzo couldn't help but be slightly intimidated. He looked away from Hakkai before he spoke.

"Kougaiji's man, Dokugakuji, tried to take him away before, offered him 'help.'" He bowed his head. "Given the situation, Gojyo may have agreed to go with him if asked again."

"Gojyo would never accept help from an enemy, even if he needed it." Goku threw his chopsticks down and jumped to his feet. Hakkai grabbed his own hair, but Goku clenched his fists. "He's too hardheaded, and he's not that stupid!"

"Then he could have been taken against his will. He could have been taken before… if I hadn't intervened…" Sanzo's eyes were distant, and Hakkai's jaw fell slack in panic.

"You didn't tell me- why didn't you tell me?! Why didn't he tell me?!" Hakkai began to pace in place, then took a big gulp of coffee. "It doesn't matter! We're going to look for him. Now!" He grabbed Goku by the back of his cape and pulled him out the door. Sanzo followed, but dragged his feet, his head hung.

Goku was not stupid. Naive, maybe, but not stupid. He knew regret when he saw it. He knew what Sanzo's slumped posture, and the shell-shocked look in his eyes said:  _"This is my fault. This is not what I wanted to happen. This is all my fault."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do love this chapter, and the suggested tracks. (I don't know if anyone's listening to them, but hey, I'm having fun.) Leave a comment or kudos as you see fit!
> 
> In the meantime HNNG NEW CHAPTER RELEASED TOMORROW (12/28) CAN'T WAIT 'TIL ITS TRANSLATED


	8. 6A: Crimson Nightmares, Clover Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gojyo is imprisoned, and the rest of the party searches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Saiyuki and its characters are not mine, and I do not profit from their use.

**6A: Crimson Nightmares, Clover Dreams**

“My, my, my.” Kanzeon Bosatsu pushed a curling strand of hair behind hir ear, leaning over hir scrying pool. “My, my, my my my.” Se tented her fingers for a moment as she thought, then dragged hir finger down the center of hir scrying pool, dividing it two ways. On one side, se could see the three Sanzo party members who remained together, running down a road se could only just make out. On the other, Gojyo was being dragged off the back of a dragon and into the dust, too weak and delirious to get to his own feet. “My, my, my.” Se sighed and sat back in hir chair, then glanced over hir shoulder. “Jiroushin, I'm complaining over here. Would you do me the courtesy of listening?”

“A step ahead of you, milady.” Jiroushin emerged from the portcullis with a tray in his hand. “Sorry, the water took a few minutes longer than usual to boil.”

“Perhaps the air pressure is bad today. It seems an ill omen.” Se took the teapot and hir cup. “Do sit, please.” He took one of the empty chairs across from hir and set the tray on the table beside hir. “I do so rarely have company these days, do I?” Se cast her eyes over the two cups that remained empty.

“What's irking you so today? You seem fitful.” Jiroushin poured his tea and hirs, his lips pursed as he considered his statement. Even in all his years of service to hir, he was unused to seeing hir as annoyed as he had since the Sanzo party began their pilgrimage- he shouldn't have had to ask.

“It's those silly boys again.” Se gestured to the images in hir pool. Goku, Hakkai, and Sanzo were searching the narrow streets of a labyrinthine city on foot, though most of the effort came from the former two, while Gojyo had roused enough to stumble between Dokugakuji and Kougaiji. “They make my job so difficult. I have a promise to keep, and I will not fail my loyal subjects again.” Se sighed again, deeper this time. “Days like this make me wish I had a pack of cigarettes.”

“I imagine the stores are still open.” Jiroushin smiled, his expression warm- he knew when his mistress needed comfort. He leaned forward, interested. “What did they do this time?”

“They let themselves be split. Again.” Se gestured to Gojyo. “And at a time when they need each other more than ever. You know, I didn't _have_ to do it this way-”

“But it was more fun this way.”

“But it was more fun- no.” Kanzeon refused to let him be right in finishing hir sentence, as he hid a smirk behind his teacup. “They must all become closer as a group, a team- a family, you might say. Those two especially, considering my purposes.” Se traced a line between Sanzo and Gojyo's heads in the water, enlarging their images. Even in the picture on Kanzeon Bosatsu's mind, static crackled between eyes that refused to meet. “For a moment there, I thought they'd finally overcome their doubts about one another, but I was wrong. I didn't realize how far they'd slipped. This little development just flies in the face of everything I've worked for!” Se slapped the water, and the images vanished. “Gojyo is in more trouble than he realizes, and Sanzo will lose the bonds he's built with his other companions unless he can get his act together.”

“Perhaps you need to send a message,” Jiroushin suggested, shrugging a noncommittal shoulder.

“What would be the point? Gojyo is, shall we say, somewhat locked down at the moment. There's little he can do about the situation right now.” Se dragged hir fingernail across the surface of the water again. It rippled around the image of a dust-worn, dilapidated fortress as Kougaiji and Dokugakuji frog-marched Gojyo, who struggled and tried to wrest himself from their grasp, into the massive, awesome front doors with Yaone half a meter behind them. “And Sanzo- well, that hard head of his doesn't do me any favors.”

“No, he doesn't listen to you.” Jiroushin sipped his tea. Kanzeon seemed to remember that se had a cup, and dropped a sugar cube into it. “But he might listen if you give him a reason to.” 

“So he might.” Kanzeon smiled, eyes alight- inspiration had struck. “And just because he doesn't listen to me doesn't mean he can't hear reason. I just need to find someone who can reason with him.” Se turned back to hir scrying pool, forgetting hir tea again, and moved the image back to Sanzo. “I know your mind, Konzen. I can fix this. I must, after all- we all have promises to keep.”

* * *

 

“Please don't do this.” Gojyo shut his eyes tight. He had no idea when it had become dark, nor when he'd been strapped to a wooden board and stripped of his clothes, with nothing but a brick laid over him to cover his decency. He also did not know the name or face of the man wearing the horn-rimmed glasses that reflected moonlight from a high, narrow window in an otherwise nearly pitch-black room. He wore a ghastly, pale robe- a doctor? A priest?- and an eerie grin. Gojyo closed his eyes because he didn't want to see any more, but he couldn't cover his ears.

“But I must, as you say, _do this._ ”

_Don't. Whatever it is, don't._

“You see,” the doctor continued, peeling a pair of gloves onto his hands, “I've never had a subject quite as unique as you.” Gojyo grimaced and twisted against his bonds. “Ah, ah, ah, none of that.” The doctor's rebuke was nearly sing-song, and Gojyo's stomach swam. The man with the shiny glasses circled behind him and tightened the leather straps, then tilted the board back, leaving Gojyo up at an angle and forcing some of his own weight onto his wrists and ankles.

“Lemme go, you freak! You're cuttin' off the circulation!” Gojyo leaned his head forward, ready to bite, but the man was already long out of his reach.

“All the better for you to just let it happen.” His eerie smile widened, deepened by the shadows that obscured the rest of his face. “I must know exactly-” he tiptoed his knobby fingers up the curve of Gojyo's middle- “what is inside you. My curiosity will never be sated otherwise.” This made Gojyo's lower lip quaver.

_A weak gesture- that's not you._

“It's a baby.” Gojyo looked down at his own flesh, silently imagining its contents. “Y'know, a little person. Please don't hurt it-”

“Hurt? Never.” The eerie smile hadn't flinched, but Gojyo could see the myriad tools reflected in his glasses, the scalpels and syringes, laid out neatly on paper on a tray somewhere below Gojyo's view. “But I'm so curious, you see. After all, you're one of a kind. You're rare.” He fixed his gloves a little tighter, teeth gleaming as his smirk spread wider. “I will never see another like you- never another chance.” Gojyo cringed, and the doctor laced his fingers behind his back and started to pace around the table. “So tell me, what do I do with something like that?” His gaze never moved from Gojyo, as much as Gojyo tried to twist himself away. His dainty steps echoed with a liquid splash with each footfall- the floor was wet-

_Blood? His? No. No-_

“Just put me back in the cell.” Gojyo closed his eyes and lowered his chin, cowering and cringing as the doctor circled him. A vulture in white.

“Perhaps I could improve your baby!” The doctor whirled around and clapped his hands. “Yes, you're a half-and-half, how about a half-and-half baby? A little half-ostrich maybe.” He gasped, and covered his mouth in mock eagerness- or was this genuine eagerness? “Ooh, or a shark! Why, I know of sharks that eat their way out of their mother! Won't that make giving birth so much easier?” Gojyo whimpered aloud, as the doctor vanished from his sight.

“I don't wanna die. I just wanna love my kid. Can't you see it- little bugger, all red hair and baby smiles- why would you wanna take that from me?”

_Red hair. Just like you._

“Who ever said anything about taking it?” The doctor was like a shadow in the dark, thought Gojyo could still feel his presence pricking the hairs on the back of his neck. “But it was never yours to begin with, was it?” Gojyo clenched his fists, until the doctor sprang up before him, scalpel in hand. “First things first! I must find out how and where you carry!”

“SANZO!” Gojyo cried out, and flattened himself against the board.

“Just hold still-” The knife neared, and Gojyo writhed back, but there was nowhere for him to go.

“Sanzo, god damn it, if you ever gave a shit about anything-” Gojyo squirmed in his own skin, praying as quickly as he could, all to no avail.

“But I don't.” That wicked grin spread even further, more teeth than he could have ever imagined in a human mouth. Tears, hot and wet, escaped onto Gojyo's cheeks.

“S-Sanzo, please- wherever you are- help us! I p-promise-” Gojyo stammered as the knife traced his taut skin. “I won't complain. I won't make noise, never again-”

_But why?_

“I'll do anything!”

_Don't, don't say that-_

“I love it when a patient talks dirty.” The man in glasses had a maddening gleam in his eyes, his twisted grin on a hollowed face finally apparent in the moonlight. “Say my name again!” His hand back- the blade rushing forth- 

_“SANZO!”_

* * *

 

“Ukoku.” Sanzo sprang awake, the name still on his lips. Hakkai glanced away from the sun-stained road to look at him.

“Hmm?” Sanzo couldn't answer Hakkai's unspoken question, only gazed out across the paddy of green rice that seemed to stretch beyond the horizon. He knew Hakkai wouldn't stop expecting an answer, and finally offered one.

“I... had an unusual dream.” Hakkai tapped his fingers on the wheel, clearly expecting more. “... About someone I met many years ago.” He continued to look away, mind distant. His chest ached with a dull throb. “But... why?”

“Why what?” Goku leaned forward, clearly putting his nose out to be whacked back, but Sanzo sat back in his seat and opened the newspaper.

“It's... not important.”

The party had traveled on from the town where they'd lost Gojyo a week before, but not before thoroughly searching every nook and cranny of the city. Every bar, every card house, every house of ill repute had been checked and checked again. Lacking a picture, they had to describe him: “About yea high-” Hakkai held his palm at about the level of his own head. “Long, red hair, reddish eyes.” He touched his cheek. “Two scars. Muscular figure, but somewhat overweight.” This description got nothing but raised eyebrows and shaking heads. For two days of searching, it seemed he was just in the wind, or that he'd run, that he'd been taken away or simply abandoned them. “Until we ask him,” Hakkai declared at Sanzo's suggestions to all of the above, “we won't know which.”

At the end of the third day, they got their first solid clue- they spotted the shakujou on the table at a second-hand stall. Hakkai gasped like he'd stepped on glass and rushed for it. “This...” His breath rattled in his throat, eyes wide. He whipped his head up to glare at the middle-aged, balding man running the stall, an ugly look that Sanzo had never quite seen on his face before. He planted his fists on the table, and spoke in a tone completely opposite of his flat, pleasant, polite timbre. “You need to tell me exactly where you got this.”

“Chill out, man- it was sold to me!” The shopkeeper protested, as Hakkai leaned in towards him.

“Gojyo would never sell it, you impudent-” Hakkai started, voice gravelly, his face turning crimson and his hand moving for the limiters on his ear, but Sanzo held a hand before him to halt him.

“This is a divine weapon.” He glanced at Hakkai, and Goku came forward, held his wrist and started to pat his shoulder to calm him down. He turned back to the shopkeeper. “I should know.” He picked the shakujou up. “If this is rightfully yours, you should be able to summon it to your hands.”

“Hey, nobody told me about that-” The shopkeeper had a thin coat of sweat covering his face and head as all three of the Sanzo party fixated on him.

“Think of it, and it appears.” Goku held his hand up, and his nyoibo appeared in his grip. “Now you try.” He stared at the man, thin-lipped and unamused. Beads of sweat rolled down the unfortunate man's brow. He didn't even bother to hold up his hand.

“Okay, I found it in the trash.”

“What trash?” Hakkai narrowed his eyes.

The shopkeeper abandoned his stall, with Hakkai and Goku grasping an arm each and Sanzo a few steps behind, to lead the trio into the back alleys behind the industrial part of the city, close to their inn. He gestured loosely to some trashcans. “It was there.” Hakkai released him and kicked the cans over and started sifting through.

“When did you find it?” Sanzo asked into the man's ear. The man shuddered.

“Like two days ago. I don't know how long it was there, though.” Just then, Hakkai cried out, and Sanzo and Goku both looked up. He was holding a familiar, though filthy boot.

“He was taken.” Hakkai threw the shoe down and bent his head into his forearms. “How... how could he run away without shoes?”

“I swear to god, I had nothing to do with this!” The shopkeeper dropped to his knees. “I didn't take nobody, I didn't do anything like that-”

“Of course you didn't, you dunce!” Sanzo rolled his eyes, and Goku released the shopkeeper's arm. “You couldn't take a bone from a dog, let alone my bodyguard.”

“It must have been Kougaiji's group.” Hakkai wiped his hands on his pants, and then smeared them over his eyes. “He was disarmed and vulnerable...”

“Get out of my sight,” Sanzo growled into the shopkeeper's ear, and he didn't have to think twice before scrambling away from the group. Sanzo stood back and watched Hakkai cry into his hands, as Goku crept in again to hug him.

It must have been too much for him, Sanzo reasoned, to lose two people so close to him to demon lords. The context was different, but the results were the same- a loved one with child out of his reach, away from the safety of his arms, and vulnerable to any kind of unimaginable, unthinkable harm. As such, he didn't care that Hakkai spent the next thirty minutes on his knees, weeping and trying to get his mind straight. He stood back, leaning against the wall and smoking cigarettes down to the filter one after the other, half-listening, half-watching as Goku tried to comfort him.

“He... he was finally starting to really, truly accept it.” Hakkai sniffled and smeared his eyes on his hands. “He was even starting to say he was a father- he was Daddy. He was starting to be curious about the baby. Everything I've tried to build him towards- I've lost it.”

“You know,” Sanzo grumbled, and stubbed the last cigarette in his pack out on the wall. “They have a three day head start. Wherever they are, whatever they're doing, we will not find them if we sit here and bitch and moan the rest of our lives.” Hakkai lowered his hands, as Goku turned a dirty look up at Sanzo.

“Be nice, willya?”

“No, Goku, this is his way of being nice.” Hakkai got to his feet, legs quivering as the blood returned. “He's right. We will not find Gojyo here. We will have to seek him out elsewhere.” He looked down at his satchel. “Hakuryu. We're moving on.” Hakuryu chirruped and darted from his satchel, and Hakkai looked at the others. “He'll meet us at the inn. Sanzo, if it's alright with you, I'd like to move on tonight.”

“Whatever. I just need a fresh pack of cigarettes.”

They left that night and continued west. Goku had first wondered if perhaps they should go back east to look, but Hakkai countered, “We know our enemies are based in the West. We will find them out there, and Gojyo with them.”

“Y'think they took him to that Houtou Castle place?” Goku wondered, but Hakkai shuddered- they had no idea how far away it was, but they knew they were nowhere close.

“Our best bet is to encounter them.” Hakkai's knuckles turned white on the wheel. “If I could just talk to them, convince them that he'll be best off in our care- that's what you said he said, right, Sanzo?” His eyes darted to the shotgun seat. Sanzo nodded- he'd recounted his first confrontation with Dokugakuji at Hakkai's behest. “Yes. See, if he thinks I'm not taking care of him, I'll convince him. I'll convince him somehow.”

“You're babbling,” Sanzo grunted, and lit up a fresh cigarette.

“Right. Sorry.” He forced a smile, but it was not the same as before- he couldn't communicate the facade to his eyes anymore. His hands shook as he drove on, and Sanzo could swear he felt an massive outpouring of chi energy from Hakkai's head and heart. He chose to say nothing of it.

The week had passed, with the fourth seat in the Jeep empty, and though Hakkai had only stopped for a few hours at a time and they'd surely traveled faster and further than they had in a week, they still were in the same place. They knew so precious little, there was no way they could know more, and the hollowness there- the not knowing and the lack of him- was the worst part.

Sanzo could not fill this hollowness with anything. He only had questions, but for him, it all came back to one thing: _I could have done something. I knew he was in danger, but I let him go out on his own. He may be a lech and an idiot, but he's carrying_ someone's _child_ _and I should have done something_.

He couldn't even fathom this instinct, and the nightmares only made it scream louder in his ear. _I could have done something. I could have done something. But- what can I do? It's not my responsibility- is it?_ He shook the thought off. _No. No, no, no. And... yet..._

Despite arguing himself back and forth, Sanzo always came to the conclusion that it was his fault, and he found himself unable to do anything. Therefore, that was what he did: nothing...

And the nightmares came back whenever he closed his eyes.

* * *

 

**(Suggested Track: “Aunt Betty,” Middle Class Rut)**

The first moment Gojyo was led into the fortress was the moment he started planning his escape. He couldn't know for sure where he was, nor where he would run to, but he knew for sure he was going to run. He took in each detail as he was dragged past it- the mud-packed walls over stone bricks, the decrepit wood, the stone stairs he was lugged over as his bare foot hit against each one. Kougaiji was muttering something about how the fortress he belonged to a youkai warlord whose kingdom fell into ruin during the five centuries interceding his father's sealing, and so on, “blah, blah, blah,” Gojyo couldn't really be bothered to care all that much. He was too busy counting windows and estimating how high of a jump it would be to the ground.

Dokugakuji was kind at first- a locked bedroom on the second floor with barred windows. It even had a bathroom attached, which Gojyo made use of promptly- he hadn't even realized he was nauseous until he'd been set back down on his own feet. “Yeah, you do that,” Doku sighed as Gojyo hugged the chamber pot. “Hey- where the hell's your shoe?” Gojyo couldn't respond, mouth otherwise occupied. “Shit, you must'a lost it in the scuffle.” He scratched the back of his head, but Gojyo felt a slight twist of hope somewhere in his turbulent gut- _Hakkai's gonna find that._ _Maybe he can do something with it._ “Look, I'll get you another pair- comfy ones. Looks like you need new clothes too- I think we got some downstairs.”

_I don't want comfy shoes. I don't want new clothes. I want the fuck out of here._

Those words came out as a garbled 'Mmrph,' as Gojyo finished emptying his stomach out. Doku leaned on the doorjamb, and approached as Gojyo started to try and get to his feet. “Yaone said she was gonna make you some medicine, just for you. Something that'll help the nausea and shit.” He offered Gojyo a hand, but Gojyo pushed him back. “Come on, bro, you're not making this any easier on yourself.” Doku extended his hand, but Gojyo staggered past him and collapsed on his side on the bed.

“Just let me rest, asshole.” He closed his eyes and buried his nose in the pillow. It smelled like sunlight and soap- _kinda familiar._ Dokugakuji folded his arms, looking rather hurt.

“Right, you're prob'ly tired. I'll be back with some food- baby ain't gonna grow if you don't eat.” He left, eyes lowered, and Gojyo heard the lock click in the door. He rolled onto his back, grunting as the pressure shifted onto his spine, but held his hand straight out above him.

“Wonder how far away it works,” he muttered, and focused on his shakujou. He could almost feel it in his hands, but it didn't appear, as if something were holding it back. “There must be some sorta barrier, or maybe it's just too far.” He dropped his hand to his side, rested his other hand over his navel, and took a deep breath.

The bed was comfortable under his sore back. The morning sun through the window felt nice on his face. He wouldn't have to worry about anything in here- no traveling, no wake-up calls, no grouchy monk, no clingy monkey, and his brother's help in caring for the baby. Anyone else in his situation would have happily accepted the hand held out to him, but he couldn't help but imagine the puppet strings dangling behind it.

_The second the kid's born, they're gonna take this favor out on me._ He clenched the hand at his side into a tight fist. _Nope. Take nothing I don't need, eat nothing but what'll keep me from starving, and get the fuck out. I don't belong here- I gotta get back to my friends._ He patted his middle. “Sorry, kiddo. Daddy's gotta be selfish again.”

Gojyo checked the windows first. He had heard Kougaiji mention that the youkai warlord was active five centuries ago. “That's gotta be, like, a thousand years, right?” He scratched his head. “They gotta be loose.” He tested the bars with a shake- they rattled in the foundation. He smirked- Plan A was a go. He spit in his palms and started to work at the one that felt the loosest with both hands.

He persevered for over an hour, tireless, mindlessly focused on his task. He could hear the stone grinding and wearing away, until the bar popped out, taking a chunk of stone with it. “Yes! Now-”

“Try it.” Gojyo froze, when he heard Dokugakuji's voice at the door. He turned, cringing, as Dokugakuji glared at him with his eyebrow raised. “But you ain't gonna fit.” Gojyo silently sized up the gap and compared it to his wider figure.

“I would'a fit four months ago.” He shuffled back to the bed and sat down, as Dokugakuji laid down a set of clean clothes, a plain, oversized tunic and a pair of black linen pants with a very large waistline and a drawstring.

“Whatever you say. Here, you want something that fits?” He flung the shirt towards Gojyo.

Dokugakuji said nothing more of this escape attempt through the rest of the day, but he didn't leave Gojyo alone, either. He folded his arms and stared as Gojyo changed, and Gojyo could almost feel his eyes tracing his figure. Doku had brought books as well, and he shoved one into Gojyo's hand once Gojyo was dressed. He then folded his arms and leaned against the wall, staring, affixed, as Gojyo flipped through the pages. He was only half-interested in the book- he recognized it as one similar to what Hakkai had, with a week-by-week breakdown of fetal development- and read the same few pages over and over. Still thinking, and waiting.

Dokugakuji left when Yaone called from somewhere else in the castle, asking for help with something. Gojyo threw his book aside the second he left and went back to rattling the bars on the window, hoping to get another one loose, but to no avail. He heard Doku returning (with a plate of some not-terrible stir fry), and didn't get caught at it, but Doku didn't leave that time until Gojyo had fallen asleep, sitting up on the bed with the book folded over in his lap.

When he woke, he felt the familiar urge to be ill, worse than the day before. He rushed past Doku, who was standing by the window with a bucket hooked in the crook of one arm and a spade in his hand, in his mad dash to the bathroom. He didn't have a chance to see what Doku was doing, and he almost forgot about it completely as his guts turned themselves inside out. He only realized when he was wiping his mouth that he'd been screwed. Sure enough, Doku and his bucket were gone, and the remaining window bars had been reinforced with concrete. Gojyo tried to dig it out, but it was no use- “He must have worked on it while I was sleeping.” The concrete was solid, the bars were sturdy, and Plan A was down.

Plan B was the door- his theory that the castle was a little bit shaky seemed sound, and busting the door was probably safer than jumping out of the window anyway. 'No lock can hold my awesomeness,' he decided, and examined the door's lock. While certainly not five centuries old, it was definitely very old, rusty, and Gojyo could hear the gears clicking out of sync when he turned the handle. He leaned against the wall, letting his weight settle, and started to repeatedly jiggle the handle. He switched hands as they tired, but kept his ear to the wall for any sign of danger. He would stop the second he heard any noise that even remotely sounded like Doku or Yaone approaching and shift positions to elsewhere in the room, half-assing some of the exercises suggested in the book Doku had given him (as he quickly discovered trying them in earnest only served to make him nauseous again.) Once they left, Gojyo would wait two minutes, numbering the seconds, then start working on the lock again. After three hours of working at it on and off, he heard the mechanism start to creak, so he shook it harder and harder, waiting for it to break. However, it didn't, or wouldn't, and Gojyo had to stop again when Dokugakuji arrived with a tray of lunch- simple steamed vegetables and some chicken with chestnuts. It was a lot less flavorful than the last night's meal, and Gojyo figured that they were hoping something basic would be easier on his system. They were wrong.

Gojyo spent the hour after lunch sick. He couldn't find words to complain, but he knew- _it ain't been this bad since before Hakkai started fixing me._ He didn't even know where it was coming from after a while, but it was clear, thin, and smelled bitter. _That's prob'ly a bad sign. I think I just negative-digested, and I don't even know if that's a thing._ He managed to get to his feet and wipe his mouth, holding his middle. _All the more reason I gotta get the fuck out of here._ When he returned to the door to start jiggling the lock again, he noticed a bright silver bar through the gap at the top of the door- while he'd been busy, Doku had installed a shiny new padlock. “That son of a bitch noticed the lock was loose.”

The door was not a lost cause just yet, though- while the side of the door with the lock was sturdy, the hinges had started to come loose. “Break the door” was plan C- “One good shove, those hinges will just fuckin' fly off!” Gojyo grinned and cracked his knuckles. Despite his gusto, this, he knew, would be a delicate operation- Doku was going to hear it when he started, so he was going to have to play this carefully and do it all in one big blow. Running on an empty stomach sounded like a bad idea on the surface- he didn't know how long he would have to run before finding anyone else, a town, a city, other people of any sort, and even then he'd be dependent on their kindness for anything he got until he was either found by his friends or he found them. However, there was also the matter of his stomach's tendency to empty itself. Even thinking about food was making his innards twist in rebellion. He weighed it for a while.

_Yeah, starving sounds a lot worse than throwing up._ He resolved to wait until at least dinner, and began to go through his options, folding his legs under him on his bed and leaning back against the wall. _Well, we can't be too far from anything. I mean, they've got food and stuff, they must be getting it somewhere- except they can move pretty quick with their dragons and shit. I mean, hell, they were catching us right after we left, but they can still get back to home base and we've been driving for more than a year. But how far out can we be?_ He set his hands under his middle- he'd found they'd ended up there often in the past two days- and took a deep, calming breath. “We're gonna make it. Somehow, we're gonna make it.”

Doku gave him dinner- plain white rice and steamed chicken, no sauce, and abysmally dull- and left him alone. His stomach growled angrily back at him as it tried to digest, but it stayed down, and he waited. He listened to the wind outside for a while, but could hear no animals or even cicadas. _Must be nothin' out there- maybe there's nothin' out there for miles._ Still, he had no choice but to try and leave- the soft echoes of footsteps from below were reminder enough of that. The sun went down, the moon emerged over the sandy, cracked ground, and Gojyo watched it rise. Even though he'd spent most of the day motionless, he was already tired- _guess bein' sick takes it out of me._ He forced his eyelids open, waiting until he couldn't hear the noise below anymore, then got to his feet. His legs quaked as the blood rushed back to him, and the skin of his belly felt cold when his hands fell to his sides. “Don't worry, kid, I'll... I'll hug you when we get outside.”

He steeled himself and faced the door, taking a few deep breaths, and clenched his fist. “Here goes nothin'!” He wound his elbow back and punched the door as hard as he could. The wood splintered with a nasty crunch, and Gojyo took stance and punched again, not caring about the slivers of wood digging into his knuckles. The hinges were holding, but Gojyo hadn't accounted for the termite -infested lumber and took it as a lucky boon- all that mattered was that the door broke. On the third hit, the door split in half, dangling lamely on the hinges and the lock. Gojyo barely had time for a celebratory whoop and fist pump before shoving his way out. He could hear Dokugakiji and Kougaiji yelling something from somewhere below him, but he didn't care. He dashed back down the hall, down the stairs. He yanked the door open, and was out into the moonlight.

Gojyo ran as fast as his legs could carry him, but he made it less than a half-kilometer before his legs turned to jelly from the knees down. He stumbled and fell, and his abdomen rebelled as he hit the ground, shaking as he caught himself on his hands. The pain rushed up through him in waves, his every muscle trembling from the adrenaline rush, and his barely-settled stomach now turned itself out. _Get up, run!_ He screamed it over and over at himself in his mind, not even sure who he was talking to, but trying to force through the retching back to his feet, trying to get air back into his lungs. He could hear shouting behind him, could hear them approaching. _We can do this- we have to get out! If we don't, then you won't-_ A rag was placed over his nose, and he was conscious just long enough to register that he had collapsed into his own sick.

He woke next in a cell, on a plain, sagging cot. Iron bars surrounded him on three sides, a window no wider than his head sat just a few centimeters from the ceiling, and the only other furnishings in the room were a very small table next to the cot, a basin and a hole in the ground. He had sense enough to tumble off the cot towards the hole to empty his stomach again, the very force of it driving tears to his dry eyes. He was still dizzy from the chloroform, but he could smell the blood coming from his mouth and nose. He also had enough sense to hear what Dokugakuji was saying from the other side of the cell wall: “You try to escape like a prisoner, we're gonna treat you like one.”

“What-” Gojyo spat into the hole. “What was I before?” He managed to look up through his tears. “A guest? Fuck you, I can't do this!” He swiped lamely at air. “If you keep me in this fucking box away from my friends, I'm gonna die!” His body shook- the baby squirmed inside of him. “Son of a bitch- I'm gonna die in here!” He got to his feet and managed to rush for the bars. “I don't want to die!”

“Then calm down, take your medicine, and do what you're told.” Dokugakuji stormed off, unable to look Gojyo in the eyes.

“Fuck you, that's worse than death!” Gojyo slammed his fist on the bars and stomped his feet. “Fuck you! Fuck you! I'm gonna die and it's all your fault!” He screamed, his lungs aching, his throat sore, his whole body wracked with pain.

But it didn't matter. Doku wouldn't listen, and Gojyo no longer saw a cell, but a tomb.

* * *

 

Gojyo tried to do the same as he had before- he looked over every part of the cell for some way he could possibly get out. However, this was much more of a challenge than escaping the bedroom had been. The bars were clean and sturdy, the lock free of rust and wear, as though it had just been installed. The cell door only opened when Doku came with meals, or when Yaone appeared with her medicine bag. He could see her palming a rag that was probably soaked with chloroform, but he could tell from the pity in her eyes that she didn't want to use it. Dokugakuji locked the cell behind her as she unrolled her medicine bag on the cot in front of him.

“I hear you've been a little under the weather. I'm sorry this took me so long- I was trying to account for your testosterone.” She selected a few packed pills, and offered a cheerful smile. “That's probably all it is- the boosted estrogen levels.”

“I don't even know what that is,” Gojyo grunted, and folded his legs and arms as close as he could.

“Of course- it's probably a little over your head.” He scowled, glaring at her over his folded arms. She didn't seem to notice, and instead held out a handful of medicine, pointing at each one in turn. “Here- this one's for nausea, and this will help the muscle aches- you must have lots of growing pains!- and this one's just a multivitamin- you need lots of folate-”

“Not interested.” He looked away. Her eyes softened, her smile faded.

“I want to help you.”

“For real?” He smirked, eyes crinkling at the edges- he knew he wouldn't get anywhere, but if nothing else, he could try and have some fun. “Then let me out.”

“I... I can't do that.” She shrunk back from him, staring at her knees. “Please take your medicine- I worked so hard- it's for the baby-”

“Like you give a shit.” She outright whimpered at this, and a new shadow darkened the hall.

“If you won't treat her with respect,” Kougaiji growled as he strode down the hall, hands stuffed in his pockets. “Then she won't give you a thing.” He opened the cell and rested his hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, shocked.

“Lord Kougaiji-”

“Pathetic.” Gojyo glanced at the open cell door, but Kougaiji followed his line of sight and scowled.

“Don't even think about it.” He kept his hands firm on either side of Yaone's neck, and she let her head lean against his arm. His voice was eeriely serene. “I don't want to hurt you, but I told Doku I would do everything in my power to keep his unborn niece or nephew safe. I can break your legs without breaking that promise.” He straightened up, and Yaone's head tilted to the side before she could catch herself. “Don't make me do that.” He exited the cell, locked it behind him, and waited, leaning against the bars and glaring at the wall across from him. Gojyo scoffed, and ground his teeth together.

“I never asked for any of your help- not yours, not hers, not his-” He splayed his hand towards Dokugakuji- “None of you!” He groaned as the pain rolled across him. “Just... fuck off. All of you, fuck off.”

“Please, at least take this one.” Yaone put the nausea pill down in front of Gojyo's foot. “You need to eat, and you haven't kept a meal down since you got here.”

“So I starve. Whatever.” He kicked the medicine off the bed and onto the floor. “I'm going to die anyway. What's the point of trying?”

“Let's go, Yaone.” Dokugakuji went to open the cell. “He'll eat when he's hungry.” Yaone chewed her lower lip, then got to her feet. Gojyo glanced at the door, but he could still see the rag in her side pocket. He put his head in his arms, and shut his eyes tight 

He wasn't sure which would be worse- starving to death, or dying of loneliness. He resolved to find out.

* * *

 

The nightmares had continued, every night, every time Sanzo closed his eyes, for three weeks now. The Jeep's fourth seat had been empty for the same amount of time, and the hole was starting to affect all of them the same as a bullet hole might- a slow wound, hemorrhaging slowly, but surely draining them dry.

Goku would complain loudly about how bored he was until Sanzo would beat him with the fan, which quieted him for perhaps a half-hour, but it never stuck. Hakkai hadn't smiled- not his real smile, at least- since they'd last seen Gojyo, and Sanzo could feel the energy pouring out of him. He couldn't be sure what it was, but Hakkai always seemed weaker than he should have been at the end of the day. Sanzo wondered at them, surprised that they let it affect them so much, but both Hakkai and Goku had noticed the deep blue rings forming under Sanzo's eyes. He hadn't told them of the nightmares, and they only got worse and worse.

Even blinking was enough sometimes. He would close his eyes, but on his eyelids he could see the image of two unmarked graves in thin, sandy dirt- one big, one so, so small. He tried not to sleep when they stopped to rest, whether at an inn or when camping. He would sit away from the other two in their sleeping bags, or by the window of whatever room he was in, chain-smoking and digging his elbow into his thighs. It was always to no avail- his head would tilt and nod, he would sleep, he would dream, and the nightmares came back.

Sometimes, he would see Ukoku torturing Gojyo with clamps on his nipples and hot candle wax poured onto his skin. Sometimes, he would skewer Gojyo with long, thin needles, laughing madly as blood seeped from pierced fingers and toes. Nightmares of Ukoku threatening to “operate” on Gojyo and the baby inside him were common. Sometimes, he would see Dokugakuji digging a grave, with Ukoku standing behind him wearing a wicked smirk. A crimson moon glowered down every time, painting the ground in rust and blood. He wasn't sure when or how his memories of Ukoku had gotten so twisted, but that maddened smile didn't look out of place on his face, a smile that kept his sleep restless.

A July thunderstorm was the only relief Sanzo could imagine. Hakkai had seen the clouds roll in, could feel the oncoming pressure, and made tracks. Their map said the nearest town was another two days' travel away, but they found a farmer that was willing to give them shelter in his barn for the evening. The storm hit shortly after sundown, thundering against the thin roof, the wind rustling against the hay and rattling the tools hung on the wall. Goku and Hakkai settled their sleeping bags on top of the hay drying on the floor, while Sanzo ascended to the loft and sat on a bale of hay beside the window overlooking the fields. He pushed the shutters open, but there was no barrier between him and the outside. He shoved the bale a meter away, pulled out a cigarette, and-

“This is what you do when you're in a sour mood?” He jumped when he heard Ukoku's voice, and looked around. He was not there- how could he be?- and Sanzo lit his cigarette. He listened to the rain pouring down, watching it slough off the rattling tin roof in sheets. He sighed, folded his leg, and leaned back against the splintering wall beside the window. The rain made his soul twitch and stir, the noise rousing his memories.

Then, Ukoku spoke again: “You really just want to wallow in your pain?” Sanzo dropped his cigarette, but stamped it out before it could touch the hay. Ukoku tittered under his breath, and his voice was at Sanzo's ear. “That's your problem, Genjo- you never just deal with it.” Sanzo swung his fist back beside his head, but whiffed only air. He looked around a few times, but there was nothing in the loft but him, the hay, and a few rusty pitchforks. Sanzo rubbed his hands over his eyes, and took out another cigarette.

Even if he couldn't sleep, the nightmares still crept in around the corners of his eyes and ears. He moved from the window, away from the rain, but heard a new sound. He looked down at the lower level, and saw Hakkai out of his sleeping bag, leaning against the wall with his face in one hand. His back shuddered, and Sanzo could hear his uneven breathing as he sobbed into his palm.

“Yeah,” Ukoku whispered behind Sanzo. “Deal with it. Like he's dealing with it.” Sanzo balled his fists tight and looked away, his chest taut like a drum. He sat against the bale of hay, and finally completed the motion of retrieving and lighting a cigarette. The rain soaked the ground outside of the window, Hakkai's tears soaked his sleeve in the barn below, and Sanzo found he could not block out either one. He covered his eyes with his hands, tilting his head back and rubbing the circles under his eyes.

“It's bad enough I can't sleep anyway.” He kept his voice quiet- loud enough that he could hear it, loud enough that he could block out anything else Ukoku might say, quiet enough that Hakkai would not know he was awake. “I have to have nightmares even when I'm awake?”

Sanzo sat there the whole night, listening to the rain surrounding him and Hakkai below. It wasn't until near dawn that both stopped, and Sanzo fell out into dreams. The nightmare was short, but it was enough:

A crimson moon shone over a field of bones, sprouting from the ground like crooked bamboo and rising into the sky to what looked like eternity. The ground was painted all red and gray, the sky an orange-pink. A small child of indeterminate sex, wearing the white shift of a ghost and long red hair, wandered between the cracked bones, staring at the ground. Tears streamed down his face, his hands fidgeted in front of him, his lower lip was cracked from chewing, and his little feet stumbled over the lumpy, uneven ground. Sanzo could feel his arm reaching out for the child as he neared consciousness- and the child turned and looked at him, red eyes wide with shock, mouth open: _“You know I'm here?”_

Sanzo woke with a start, just as Hakkai had clambered up the ladder to find him. He smiled as he got to the landing. “I see you've had a restless night.” Sanzo didn't give him the dignity of a reply, but pushed himself to a stand and started to pull his robe up over his shoulders. Hakkai giggled, and folded one arm across his chest and adjusted his monocle. “Won't you at least come have some breakfast? The farmer's wife brought some steamed dumplings. They smell wonderful.” Sanzo met his eyes and nodded, but did not mention that he could still see the telltale swelling under Hakkai's eyes. He turned and briskly descended the ladder down to the hay-strewn floor below, leaving Sanzo to his devices.

Sanzo could still hear Ukoku laughing at him from somewhere, but he could no longer be sure if it was his imagination or just another nightmare coming to life. _After all_ , he realized, _Hakkai is already living a nightmare. Why shouldn't I suffer the same?_

* * *

 

After four weeks in captivity, Gojyo still hadn't shaken on his resolve: _Take nothing._ Yaone offered the medicine every day, but he didn't accept it. He only wore the clothes Dokugakuji brought him because Doku and Kougaiji didn't stare at him quite as disdainfully when he wasn't naked, and because he didn't have to look at his own body when it was covered. He took nothing but food, but his own pride was wearing him down.

Without the medicine, nausea and pain were a constant. He was sore from the tips of his toes to his breastbone, and his head ached from exhaustion. He couldn't eat anything with any flavor, reducing him to plain rice or mushed grain, and even that didn't always stick. He could consistently drink rice water, which was probably the most nutrition he was keeping down. The trouble was that his captors knew this too, which was why whenever Doku delivered his meals, he had to check through it first for pills tucked in the rice. He could just hear them talking down the hall while he did so, settled on his creaking cot with one foot on a bar to prop his knee up, looking as casual as he could but often straining his ears to listen:

“He's lost half a kilo. Easy.” Doku glanced over his shoulder a few times. “Maybe more. He should not be losing weight.”

“I don't see how you can tell,” Kougaiji observed, his back flat to the wall and his legs propped out in front of him, arms tight across his chest. “He's still a grotesque of a human form.”

“His arms and face are thin.” Yaone nudged Kougaiji's arm. “Please don't be so cruel- it's a normal form for a woman expecting- he can't help it.” Kougaiji rolled his eyes.

“Well, Doku, he's your prisoner. What do we do?”

“Yaone, I'm asking you as a friend-” He turned and put his hand on her shoulder. “Force the medicine.”

“I won't.” She folded her hands in front of her thighs and lowered her head. “Don't you want him to do it of his own free will? He'll never be happy with you if you force it.”

“I don't think he's ever going to be happy with us.” Kougaiji tossed a flippant hand in the air and turned away. “Do what you want, but let me say that I won't let him die- not when there are two lives on the line. I'll shove the medicine into him myself if he can't hold himself together without it.”

“Thanks, Kou.” Gojyo couldn't tell if Doku was being sarcastic or sincere as he stared at the floor, his voice low- he sounded more dejected than anything else.

_Tough shit. You wanna lock me up, you have to deal with it._ His stomach gurgled, reminding him that he had his own trouble to deal with.

His arms, face, and legs were more thin than before; he could feel it, he could see it in his reflection in the wash basin, his muscles were atrophying away. He had tried to exercise, but he couldn't- push-ups and crunches just weren't happening, and even when he tried little things like stretches, he felt faint, dizzy, and nauseous. He could pace in his little cell for a few minutes at a time at best, but spent the rest of the time laying down or curled up on the sagging cot. It didn't help that he was exhausted all the time, both from the lack of sleep and the lack of sustenance. The lack of exercise was one thing, but the food was the real trouble. He was starving, slowly but surely.

His only entertainment were the books Doku brought him, but at this point, he'd read all of them at least twice. He was sick of the section on “diet” and “complications,” and he'd memorized the side effects of malnourishment.

“Spina bifida.” He was laying flat on his back, staring at the ceiling and tracing a shadow that had formed down his middle. “Skeletal development issues. Neural tube defects. Predisposition to diabetes.” He'd looked up what each of these things meant, and they all terrified him. “Delayed growth. Cretinism. Underdeveloped organs. Preterm birth. Low birth weight. Stillbirth.” He laid his hand flat. He could still feel the baby moving sometimes, but not nearly as much as before.

“Y-you know-” He didn't look up, but Yaone entered all the same, her medicine pack under her arm and a plate of rice in the other. “You forgot all the risks to the mother.”

“Doesn't matter.” Gojyo sat up and took the rice. She sighed and hung her head, then sat down on the floor in front of him.

“Is the baby active at all?”

“Yeah, a little.” He took a mouthful of rice, and she opened her pack.

“I have your medicine again, if you're ready to take it.” She held out five pills now- she'd increased the amount of vitamins she'd been offering him. “You can think of them as food, if you'd like.”

“We're gonna do this again?” He cocked his brow, and she lowered her head.

Despite rejecting the medicine, Gojyo had found an unlikely ally in Yaone, though perhaps ally was the wrong word. Since she'd sit with him for what felt like hours trying to convince him to take the pills, they ended up talking about other things. It was one of the few other distractions he could manage.

“But it's good that the baby is still active. Means he or she is still alive.” She looked up with a little smile. “Have you thought about whether you want a boy or a girl?” He swallowed hard, insistent against his gag reflex, and tried to ignore the spasms in his stomach.

“I'unno.” He winced when he felt a pinch in his gut, but swallowed again. “Well, I guess a boy'd be easier.” He smirked and relaxed against the wall, and hung his legs over the edge of the cot. “Teach him to flirt with all the fine ladies and pump iron, just like his dad.”

“What if it's a girl?” Yaone giggled.

“That'd be hard.” He ate another bite, talking with his mouth full. “Have to teach manners, and how to be ladylike, and not to fall in love with a jackass like me.”

“I guess that would be harder.” Yaone cocked her head in thought. “Especially without a mother in the picture.”

“Yeah, I guess. But boys are easier anyway.” He gestured to her with his chopsticks. “See, girls are complex. Guys are easy. I mean, we'd have matching parts, so potty training would be a breeze. And if it's a boy, and he's anything like me, he'll be kinda dumb, so I can lie to him.” Gojyo smirked, and Yaone laughed again.

“That's not right and you know it!” The two shared a quick laugh, and Gojyo continued to eat. She slid her hand down towards her pack again. “You know, I really do only want what's best for you and the baby.”

“Don't bullshit me.” She winced, as he put the empty plate aside and hoisted his legs back up onto the bed. He worked himself into a prone position, fluffing the thin pillow under his head. “If you were bein' honest, you'd have to let me go.” He rolled over onto his left side, facing the wall. “Hakkai had all this shit under control.”

“I could control it if you'd let me!” Yaone sounded distinctly hurt at this- as if he'd directly disparaged her work. He groaned- he hated making ladies cry, and Yaone cried easy.

“I ain't gonna owe you no favors. Nothin' personal, darlin', but I'd be healthier if you'd just left me where I was.”

“But this is no strings attached.” She sat on her knees, leaning closer to him. “We won't ask you to pay us or anything, we only want you to stay here and rest until you give birth-”

“An' I'm supposed to believe you'll just let me and the kid go when this is all over?” He tilted his head up towards her. This gave Yaone pause.

“Doku...” She looked away, but continued. “Doku said you'd be living with him now.”

“Oh, yeah, he totally checked to see if that was okay with me.” Gojyo clicked his tongue, and flipped back onto his back. “And he lives at whatever-it-is castle under Kougaiji's thumb, right?” He shrugged, hands in the air. “Hate to break it to ya, but I ain't swearin' no oath to that jackass, and I ain't gonna fight on your side. Nothin' you can do will convince me of that. What then?”

Yaone was quiet for a long minute, tapping her fingernails on the stone floor. “Then I suppose you'll remain a prisoner, since it makes no sense for us to release someone who will do us harm. And... Dokugakuji would never let his niece or nephew grow up in a cell.”

“So you'll take my kid and leave me to rot.” Gojyo smirked- he felt like he'd gotten through to her. “What more could I ask for?” Yaone lowered her head, and Gojyo rolled his eyes. “Yeah, thanks but no thanks on your no-strings-attached help.”

“At least the medicine.” She put the pills forward again, setting them on the little table next to his empty plate. “That poor baby- you know what will happen.”

“And it'll be all his fault.” Gojyo pounded his fist against the cot.

“No, it won't!” Yaone's voice broke, and she got to her feet. “It's because you're so hardheaded and selfish and stupid! You can't even accept help when it's right in front of your face! I could have refused Kougaiji's help when I was enslaved, but I would have died too! The same would have happened to your brother! All of us just want to help you!”

“After trying to kill me and my friends on more than one occasion? How can you think I'd take that straight?” Gojyo felt like spitting, but his stomach was already churning.

“Accept a hand when you're on your knees!” Yaone stomped her feet, her shrill voice echoing off the walls. “You can't just think of you and what you want- do you think that baby will be happy like this?!”

“I think we'll both be in shallow graves in a few months. I'll die, he'll die with me. So it doesn't matter.” He pressed his head back into the pillow. “You're just making yourself upset. Go away.”

“Fine!” She stormed out, slamming the lock back into place behind her. Gojyo smirked again, and lifted his head.

“And tell your asshole boss I can smell him from here! His mama ain't here to wipe his ass, he better learn to do it himself!”

“Shut up!” Yaone squeaked, arching her back, then pivoted on her heel and rushed off, cheeks pink with incense. He chuckled, and turned back towards the wall. 

“You hear that, kiddo? Your Dad can still make women scream.” He still felt guilty, but he had to remember that she was the enemy, she was his captor. Besides, he knew she was just going to run back to Kougaiji and Doku and tell them everything. She wasn't his ally- she was an informant, but at least she kept his mind off the heartburn for a minute. He was already resigned to his fate- he could only hope it would just be a little more painless.

* * *

 

“I'm bored.” Goku sighed deeply and dug his chin into the back of the seat. Sanzo couldn't count how many times he'd heard Goku say this exact same thing over the past six weeks. He and Goku were waiting for Hakkai, parked under a blue sky and a coffee shop sign near a marketplace in the little town they'd rolled into that day, as neither had felt like going shopping with him. He'd said to stay there, and that he would return within the hour. Now, it had been two hours, and Sanzo was starting to agree with Goku.

“What do you want me to do about it?” He fanned himself, and glowered at the sky. August was bearing oppressively down on them now, and Sanzo was swimming in his own sweat. It wasn't just the heat, though- his continued lack of sleep was taking a toll on his body. Aches and pains came easily: pins and needles in his thighs and arms, soreness behind his eyes, and a constant sheen of sweat across his skin. The nightmares had escalated more and more, and his waking hallucinations had continued for more than two weeks. Even as he paced beside the Jeep, he was wary of anything that looked out of place, bracing himself so he wouldn't jump when it next happened.

“I want some fun money.” Goku turned around in the seat, peeling his stuck skin off the upholstery. “Can I have some money to go get something?”

“Here.” He tossed the gold card over his shoulder to Goku. Goku whooped and jumped from the Jeep, but Sanzo whirled on his heel as he remembered what a bad idea this was. “But no food. Hakkai's buying that. You will buy one or two small-” He pinched his fingers close together. “Small items. No more than 200 yuan. If it's anything more than that, I will march you right back in there and we will return everything.”

“Fine, fine, killjoy.” Goku stuck his tongue out at Sanzo. “I'll be back!” He bounded off into the market, and Sanzo grunted under his breath and glanced up at the sun, wondering when it had traveled quite so far into the western sky.

It usually did not take Hakkai quite this long to finish shopping. Sanzo would not say he was worrying, but he had become conscious of Hakkai's weeping bouts. He had, several times, caught Hakkai moving himself away from the others and putting his head in his hands when he thought they weren't looking. Even Goku had caught him, and, horrified, pulled Sanzo away from the Jeep into some nearby trees and told him about it:

“He was bawling his eyes out!” Goku had exhorted, throwing his hands out in frustration. “He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, either- he said it was nothing, and don't worry, but how can we not?!”

“We just don't,” Sanzo had insisted to Goku at the time, and turned back towards the Jeep, where Hakkai waited for them, staring blankly across the road before them. “If he wants us involved, he'll tell us.”

Sanzo had tried to ignore it, but now it made its way back into his mind. He looked at the Jeep. “Where is your master?” Hakuryu purred sadly- he must have been worried too. Sanzo quickly took stock of the area where they'd parked, made a mental note of the coffee shop sign hanging over his head, shaped like a mug. “Let's go look for him. Come with me.” Hakuryu transformed back into his dragon form and perched on Sanzo's head. Sanzo promptly pried him off, feeling the little claws stick in his skin. “On my shoulder or on your own wings.” Hakuryu jawed to show his displeasure, but mounted Sanzo's shoulder and rode as Sanzo made his way into the market.

Sanzo imagined blinders in his peripheral, but every face he saw looked like Ukoku's. Every man, every woman, Ukoku. He pushed it out of his head and tried to remember what Hakkai looked like. Then, voices stopped sounding like the low rumble of casual conversation interspersed with the sharp stings of terse haggling, and started sounding like laughter. His head ached, and Hakuryu whined in his ear. “I'm fine, I'm fine,” he whispered, pushing the dragon back. Hakuryu leaned in again and hissed something:

“Liar.” Sanzo froze in place- now even Hakuryu sounded like Ukoku. He pulled the dragon off his shoulder.

“You won't insult me.” Sanzo held him by the neck, but resisted the instinct to squeeze. Hakuryu tilted his head and chirped. He took a calming breath, and put the dragon back.

“Hey, mister!” Sanzo whirled, and finally saw a face that was not Ukoku- a small boy running towards him. The boy tagged him and leaned over onto his knees, catching his breath. “Mister- there's someone who says he's looking for a priest. Is that you?”

“What someone?” Sanzo smoothed his robes down and leaned closer to the boy. The boy looked up at him.

“Guy in a green shirt and a layman's sash- he needs some help, said there was a priest somewhere near the market who knew him.”

Sanzo followed the boy back in the direction he'd come from, and discovered a small crowd gathered around one spot. He pushed his way through, and discovered Hakkai sitting with his head in his hands outside of a store, under a big display window. He had all of the shopping bags around him, and a few young women wearing matching pink shop aprons surrounded him, talking to him in turns.

“What happened to you?” Sanzo asked, and he got down on one knee before him. Hakkai shook his head, rubbing his forehead.

“He collapsed,” one of the women explained. Sanzo scowled, and she shrank back.

“I can see that. I was talking to him.” He turned his attention back to Hakkai. “What happened?”

“N-n-n-n...” Hakkai swallowed. Sanzo could see the telltale signs- the swollen red marks under his eyes, the dust streaked down his face- that he had only just stopped crying. “Nothing. Nothing.”

“He was standing outside the window, and he just fainted,” another of the store girls piped in. Sanzo looked up, and realized they were standing outside of a baby supply store, with a window display of toys and clothes on lifeless, eyeless mannequins.

“You fool, you really have worried yourself sick.” He forced Hakkai onto his shoulder and lifted him up. “Jeep!” Hakuryu didn't need to be told twice, and found a space just away from the crowd to transform. Sanzo managed to pick Hakkai up with most of the bags and loaded them into the back seat. People still surrounded Hakkai, who pulled himself to a sit and moved some of the bags out of his way.

“I'll be fine, really.” He smiled his flat, soulless smile at those who surrounded him with concern. “I'm just exhausted. Thank you all for your kindness.” Sanzo shoved the rest of the bags into the passenger seat, and jumped into the driver's side. Hakkai tried to scoot forward as he yanked the door shut. “Sanzo, are you sure you can-”

“I've watched you do this long enough, I think I can figure it out.” He looked at the stick and pumped the brakes a few times.

“Don't leave first gear, there's a lot of people right here.” Hakkai sat back again, hands folded in his lap, eyes on the floorboard. Sanzo nodded, and put the Jeep in first gear. They trundled out of the crowded street, back towards the spot where they'd parked before. Sanzo saw Hakkai put his face back in his hand out of the corner of his eyes.

Goku was waiting under the coffee shop sign, shuffling his feet and looking all directions, bag under his arm. He turned when he heard the Jeep approaching, and turned, waving and jumping up and down. Sanzo parked the Jeep and got out. “Show me what you got.”

“What's wrong with Hakkai?”

“Never you mind that.” Sanzo looked back at Hakkai, then held his hand out to Goku. “Show me.”

“Sure, here.” He shoved his bag at Sanzo and jumped onto the side of the Jeep. “Hakkai, what's wrong?” Sanzo opened the bag and looked at Goku's purchase- an orange and yellow squirt gun.

“You are not keeping this!” He shook the gun, but Goku was no longer paying attention to him.

“Hakkai-”

“It's... It's just...” Hakkai's head drooped; he let his monocle fall into his lap. “Today... Gojyo would be twenty-six weeks pregnant, by my estimate. He's going into his third trimester.” The tears started again, but Hakkai didn't even try to hide them. “The baby will do most of its brain development in the next three months. Gojyo... Gojyo's probably starting to get really big, too, he'll be so uncomfortable. I need to be there.” Goku tried to pat Hakkai's hand, but he brushed him away. “It's nothing, you see. Nothing important. Just...”

“He's your best friend! It's not nothing!” Goku threw his arms around Hakkai. “Why didn't you just say why you were upset?! Isn't it better than bottling it up like this?!” Hakkai was still in his grasp, but Goku let go. “This isn't like you, man.”

“Goku-” Hakkai lifted his head, but Goku turned away and folded his arms tight.

“I mean it! This isn't right- both of you have been so messed up!” Goku stomped away from them. “You're both being so lame!”

“And what have I done?” Sanzo drew the harisen out of his sleeve pocket.

“You're acting like nothing's happened, even when you know it has and you're just as upset as me!” Goku pointed at Sanzo, and then to Hakkai. “And you're acting like he's already dead! He's not! This ain't a funeral, but you're acting like you're driving a hearse!” He plopped down into a crosslegged sit and folded his arms tight, and Sanzo slid the harisen away without another word. “You guys suck. We're not gonna get anywhere like this! Isn't there anything we can do?!”

“Goku, please understand-” Hakkai fixed his monocle back to his nose. “I have been trying to seek him out with my qigong, but it is exhausting to cast such a wide net, and when I haven't even the slightest trace of him-”

“So you've been exhausting yourself to the point of emotional weakness.” Sanzo dropped the toy gun into his sleeve and looked at his companions. “You know what? If it will make you both happy, I will consult the spirits and try to divine his location from there.”

“Why didn't you do that in the first place?” Goku scowled at Sanzo.

“Don't make that face. If it were that simple, then I would have done it from the first.” Sanzo withdrew a cigarette from the box in his sleeve and lit it. “It's wrong to demand favors of the gods for selfish purposes- like missing one who has left us. However, if it is this damaging to our mission to be without him, then I have no choice.”

“At this rate, we'll all fall apart,” Hakkai agreed, and hung his head. “How shall we go about this?”

“There must be a temple of some sort near a town of this size.” Sanzo sighed deeply and leaned on the wall, looking at his feet. “I'll use the sanctuary there.” He tilted his eyes up towards Hakkai. “Are you in any shape to drive?” Hakkai giggled- this almost sounded like empathy.

“I think I can manage.” He climbed over the seat. “Everyone in. I'll check the map.”

Hakkai drove the group a few minutes out of the city to a shrine. Sanzo introduced himself to a cavalcade of adoring monks, but he was already too exhausted to be irritated. He explained the situation to the temple's elder- “One of my bodyguards has vanished, and I wish to pray for his safety and ask the gods for guidance in finding him.” Sanzo's request was allowed- as who could refuse a Sanzo?- and he requested privacy in the sanctuary.

Though it was a small shrine, it felt bigger when he was alone in it. The cherry wood floor was polished to a bright shine, reflecting the bright light from the spherical lantern above. He pulled his prayer beads from his pocket, adjusted his sutra over his shoulders, lowered his head and folded his hands. “Hear my voice-”

“Who would ever want to listen to you?” The hair on the back of Sanzo's neck stood upright- Ukoku. Even here, Ukoku. He stood, shadowless, over the round reflection of the lantern light, his sharp-edged glasses reflecting moonlight.

_Ignore him. He's not there._

“I come to you, a humble soul, seeking guidance-”

“And to get laid- or did you not want them to know that part?” Ukoku walked towards Sanzo, leaning forward to try and look into his eyes. Sanzo tried not to look at him.

“Help me find the answers I seek-”

“Please- _answers._ You just want your lover back.” Ukoku grinned his sordid, lopsided grin. Sanzo swallowed the denial, tried to remember he was the only one who could hear it, that he had to focus on his task. He started counting the prayer beads, muttering a sutra to himself, and Ukoku tutted and twiddled his thumbs. “You know they know, right? They're always watching you. They know everything you've ever done. They even know that you're lying to them now. You don't actually seek Gojyo, you're just hoping you can get at least one more orgasm out of him.” He smirked, and leaned into Sanzo's ear. “Or... have you forgotten already? Your little contract is still good. Whenever you think he deserves you, you can bend him over and fuck him raw, and he'll never complain. Don't you remember? Just how... divine he was in your embrace.” Ukoku snickered. “How delightful, those whining, pleading noises he made in his throat, how delicious his taste, how desirable his body heat, how delovely... De... Oh, do help me think of more words that start with a D.”

“You disgust me.” Sanzo couldn't stop himself, before remembering- it's an illusion, just a dream, just a dream- and he clutched his prayer beads tighter and tried to regain his focus. Ukoku, however, grinned gleefully and folded his hands beneath his chin.

“Disgusting! Yes, that was one you used. But didn't his dick drive you to desperation?” He giggled, and started to pace around Sanzo. Sanzo felt his whole body tense, but forced himself to pray.

“Give me some indication of his location...” Ukoku snickered with glee.

“Did you want to switch with words that end with -ation? No, I think D is much more fun.” He started taking the same dainty, lightfooted steps he did around Gojyo in his nightmares, knees high, landing on the balls of his feet, half-tiptoeing around Sanzo. “Dimwit, there's one. Dumbass- a favorite. Dirt under your shoe. Dullard, dolt, dunce, dregs of the earth, a detestable rat.” Sanzo clutched his beads harder, feeling his fingers grinding against them, almost sure he could feel cracks forming. He shut his eyes tight, as Ukoku whirled on his heel and started to walk backwards. “Let's try depressed- he must be so lonely. Delirious with hunger, desiccated. Dejected from abandonment. Deluded with false hope. Dreaming of a child he'll never meet. In too deep.” Ukoku stopped in front of Sanzo and put his nose less than a hair's breadth away from Sanzo's forehead. “How about dead? Dead, dying, doomed, drowning-”

“Leave me alone!” Sanzo finally screamed, and he took a swing at Ukoku. Ukoku cackled and vanished, but Sanzo could hear his voice echo through the sanctuary- he was nothing, but he was everywhere.

“You know why I'm here, Genjo.”

“I don't! How can I?!” Sanzo threw his prayer beads down. “Let me pray in peace- I have to find that rotten idiot, or-”

“Or what?” This was a new voice, but it was one Sanzo knew. He turned on his heel, and saw his own Master come out of the shadows. He smiled his serene, sweet smile, and Sanzo felt like a very small child. “Or you'll have to admit you miss him?”

“M-master-” Sanzo dropped to his knees. He suddenly felt dizzy and weak- when had the smell of incense become this strong? It smelled like flowers, not sandalwood, and it was cloying and heavy. The paper windows may as well have been mud through his eyes.

“There's nothing wrong with it, Genjo.” Koumyou smiled and put a hand on his cheek. “You're allowed to want him back. Remember, this is your destiny too. I will tell you this much.” He touched the mark of divinity on Sanzo's forehead. “There will be a sign. Keep your eyes skyward.” Koumyou pushed Sanzo's forehead, and he collapsed back...

And into the worst nightmare he'd had.

* * *

 

“Dad!” A small boy, no more than five, rushed towards Gojyo as he entered a small compartment with stone walls and iron bars on the windows, but a floor covered in toys and small clothes. The boy's red hair fell neatly around his head, his smile was big and bright. Gojyo caught the boy and lifted him to his nose.

“Missed you, kid.” He set the boy down and sat on the little bed in the room. “What were you up to?”

“Waitin' for you. Here.” He gestured all around him, spinning in place.

“Just waitin'? You didn't play any fun games?” Gojyo frowned, and the boy shook his head.

“No, nobody to play with. It's no fun without you. Kin'a makes me wish...” He lowered his head, and Gojyo leaned close to him.

“Wish what?”

“I had someone else.” He slouched his little shoulders. Gojyo sighed and got up to his feet.

“Kid... you used to have someone else, you know.”

“Eh?” The boy looked up, wide-eyed.

“Yeah. You had a dad.” Gojyo stuffed his hands in his pants pockets and looked away. “He didn't want you. Not like I do.” He got down on his knees in front of the little boy. “You're all I got. And I'm all you got. I wish you had someone else to be with, but you just gotta stay here and wait for me. Someday, I'll be all yours- I'll never have to leave again.” Gojyo tucked the boy's loose hair behind his ears, but his lower lip wiggled. Babyish tears clouded big red eyes.

“Why didn't he want me?”

“Maybe it ain't fair to say that.” Gojyo forced a smile. “He... he didn't want me. He didn't want you because he didn't want me. That's all it was.” He patted the boy's cheek, then rose to a stand. The boy quickly glommed onto his leg.

“Dad, are you leaving again? Please don't go! It's so lonely in here-” Gojyo shoved the boy off, and stared down at his face with eyes like stone.

“You know, you look a lot like him.” Gojyo's whole form stiffened. The boy stepped back, and trembled in place.

“Dad...”

“I'll be back later. Have fun.” He turned away and strode back out, shutting the door on the boy's tiny cell behind him. The boy dropped to his knees and tried hard not to cry.

Dokugakuji and Kougaiji waited for Gojyo outside of a great stone fortress, easily five centuries old. Gojyo joined them, his face wiped of emotion. “You said they're close?”

“All our sources say the Jeep is approaching now,” Dokugakuji confirmed.

“Fine.” Gojyo readied his shakujou. “The priest is mine. I've got an agreement to break.” The dust rattled, the cracked ground shaking, the vehicle's engine roaring in the distance, and Gojyo screamed like an animal and rushed towards it-

Then oblivion.

* * *

 

Six weeks into his imprisonment, Gojyo found the teetering point. His body was at a breaking point, thin and weak. He couldn't bring himself to move unless forced, he could barely lift his hands to push his bedraggled hair from his eyes. His eyes were dim, and light and shadow had started to blend into one. He hadn't shaved in what seemed like a very long time, but his beard had only come in patches- either the excess estrogen or the malnutrition making it thin. He had been this way for nearly a week now, unwilling to make himself move, unable to force himself to do anything but stare at the six sides of packed stone surrounding him. But this day was the worst.

This day, he hadn't felt the baby move at all.

Yaone was sitting with him, medicine in hand, untouched food waiting at his bedside, but he wasn't talking to her today. He was curled up on his cot, knees tight, both hands on his belly, slowly running his hands up and down the sides of it. She waited for him to acknowledge her for ten minutes, and finally cracked.

“Gojyo, what's wrong?” She reached out to him, but he held his middle tightly, protectively and didn't respond. “You must be hungry- please eat.” He said nothing, but dug his fingernails into his skin.

_What's the point?_

“Is it the baby? Is something wrong?” Yaone leaned forward, and Gojyo couldn't stop her from touching his bump. He cringed back, and discovered, to his horror, that his face was wet. “Oh, no, please, don't cry!” She folded her hands and interlaced her fingers. “I promise, I'll find out, I'll find out if something's wrong, just please don't start crying!” She jumped to her feet and rushed out, leaving the cell door swinging behind her.

And he laughed.

_Finally. I could just walk out of here... but I ain't got the strength._ He folded his hands on top of his middle. _I'm so sorry, kid. This is all my fault. I didn't think you'd go first, I thought we'd just go together. You... You never deserved this._ He let a weak, sad smile cross his cheeks. _I guess... if you can still hear me... I can sing you to sleep._

**(Suggested Track: “Crimson and Clover,” Tommy James and the Shondells, full version. Use your imagination on the first verse, and run to end of chapter!)**

“Ah...” Gojyo let his mouth open in soft song. “Now I don't hardly know ya...” Dokugakuji's ears perked when Gojyo's voice wafted faintly down the hall. “But I think that I love ya...” He tilted himself forward, rocking his body like a cradle. “Like crimson and clover...” Yaone reentered with her full medicine kit, but he couldn't be bothered to halt the motion. He had, however, run out of words. She knelt beside him as he hummed the rest, and drew blood from his arm in a thin syringe. He didn't bother to resist- too weak, too tired. She couldn't bring herself to leave, and he kept humming under his breath until his head dropped into his arms. Dokugakuji and Kougaiji had both approached, after Doku had heard him and beckoned Kougaiji on.

“Yaone, what the hell?” Doku demanded as she exited the cell and shut and locked the door, lips turned down and eyes etched with coming tears. “Did he cry himself out or something?”

“No, no.” She shook her head and rubbed her eyes. “He didn't cry himself to sleep. He was just humming some silly song to himself, nothing I know- Crimson and clover, over and over and over.” She smeared her eyes dry, and her shoulders sunk. “Once I take this off to be tested, I'll start forcing the medicine. I can't stand this anymore!” She turned and brushed past the two men, and both Dokugakuji and Kougaiji shared a look.

“I'll start now,” Doku agreed. He entered the cell and took the medicine off the table where it had been left. He examined them- when had the three pills Yaone had concocted become eight?- but turned to Gojyo and tilted his limp head back. He forced his mouth open and put the pills in one by one, rubbing his throat until he swallowed in between. The deed done, he let Gojyo drop back onto the cot, knowing that the battle to win his brother over had been well and fully lost.

Gojyo had no idea of his victory- he was in too deep to his own dreaming.

* * *

 

A field of white flowers. Gojyo rose and looked around- the bright blue sky, the endless green and white surrounding him. He pushed himself to his feet on arms strong enough to do so, on legs that supported him. He looked at his hands and body, and realized he had to be dreaming- “I'm not this skinny anymore, except in my own head.” He looked around, wondering where his mind had taken him, but it wasn't a place he knew. He heard a soft giggle from behind him, and turned to see a little boy (or maybe a girl; it was hard to tell when they were that young and dressed in a nightgown) waiting with his hands folded behind his back and a big, bright smile on his face. Gojyo curiously crouched near the boy- he looked too familiar. His pale blonde hair, almost as white as the little flowers at his feet, was cut like someone had dropped a bowl on his head and trimmed away everything that had hung out under it, but it fell in feathers and bounced around his deep purple eyes.

“You know,” the little boy started, as Gojyo neared him. “What you're looking for is that way.” He pointed behind him, the direction Gojyo had faced at first.

“And what's that?” Gojyo smiled serenely- the little boy's pleasant, chirpy voice was something of a comfort.

“That's the river Sanzu.” The boy's smile didn't falter. “That's the way to the afterlife.” Gojyo whipped his head around, and he could only just see the pale glimmer of water in the distance. “It's still a long ways off, you see. But if that's not where you're going, then you have to go this way.” He turned, and Gojyo saw beyond him to a forest of bone. The sky behind the boy was crimson.

“An' what's that?” Gojyo looked at the child, sure he had the answers.

“Life is suffering.” The boy shrugged. “And if that's where you want to go, then you're going to feel pain. That place is full of ignorance, of doubt and deceit, of unfulfillable desire. But...” He tugged Gojyo's shoulder and pointed at the forest again, and Gojyo could see another shape moving in the shadows of the crimson moon. “If you go, you won't walk alone. I'll be with you, and so will he.”

In the forest of bone, Sanzo found himself opening his eyes from the blackness on the same path where he'd seen the red-haired child walking before. He could hear the bones crunching under his feet, could feel the ominous wind at his back. Somewhere in the distance, thunder struck- surely, it would rain soon. He heard other footsteps, and rushed after them to find the source of the sound. Everything looked the same, all scorched earth and blood, and yet, the paths seemed to tilt themselves around him like a marble in a maze until he found the child he'd seen in his dreams all those months ago. He was still walking along, still staring at the ground, little hands shaking and clasping and unclasping as he toddled along on unsteady feet. Sanzo stumbled to a halt a few paces away from him, stunned to have found him.

“Hey, mister-” He stopped moving when Sanzo did, and looked up at him with doleful red eyes. “You lookin' for me?” Sanzo didn't respond, eyes wide, hands shaking. A shy smile crossed his face, and he wiped the tears away, shaking his flowing red hair around him. “I thought nobody would ever come looking. So, can I be 'it' now?”

“It?” Sanzo frowned, and the boy nodded.

“It's a game, isn't it? Life, I mean.” He looked around. “Sure, there's terrible stuff, but if you're playing with someone, it's a little easier. I'm just so tired of bein' 'It.'” He looked back up at Sanzo. “So, will you be 'It' with me? Or- are you 'It' a lot too?” Sanzo pursed his lips, unsure of what to say, and the boy set his hands on his hips and cocked his eyebrow. “Don't you have anyone to play with?” He held out his little hand. “I'll find you someone else to play with, if you'd like. I think I saw someone, too.” Sanzo resisted for a moment, but his hand fell into the boy's and fit there all too naturally.

He led him along, forcing Sanzo to hunch over to keep a grip on his hand as they wandered back the way Sanzo had come from and beyond to the edge of the forest of bone. Sanzo didn't even realize the place had an end, but now that he looked out across the blue skies and the distant, rolling plains of soft green grass and blossoming clover, he wasn't sure how he could have missed it. He gazed, open mouthed, across, as he spotted the one thing that broke up the infinite expanse of white flowers- bright red hair, and Gojyo's lithe form against the sunlight.

“He'll play with you,” the red-haired boy giggled, but when Sanzo went to look at him again, he was gone.

The shadows in the forest of bone had materialized, into the shape of Sanzo. Gojyo's jaw fell open. “If he's there... my friends must be there too.” He grinned, and looked down at the fair-haired boy, but he was already gone. It didn't matter. He ran for the forest, hands extended. “Sanzo! Hey! Sanzo!”

Sanzo could see him coming towards him, reaching for him, delight in his every feature. He heard him calling his name, but not out of terror.Sanzo held his hand out, then retracted it as though he'd been burned. Gojyo still ran for him, calling his name. Sanzo steeled himself, and let his legs carry him from the dark forest and across the field. He did not know why he ran so fast, nor why Gojyo never seemed to get any closer, but Gojyo called his name, over and over:

“Sanzo! Sanzo!”

The distance never closed, though both ran at breakneck speed for the other. Not until Sanzo thrust his hand out and called back:

“GOJYO!” And for that split second, he could feel Gojyo's fingers brush against his.

* * *

 

Sanzo shot upright, surrounded by his companions and the other monks from the temple. “Lord Sanzo, you passed out.” The temple elder helped him to his feet, and he dusted himself off, still shaking from exhaustion. Goku stood up alongside him.

“You must'a gotten a real good vision!” He grinned. Hakkai rose, fixed on Sanzo and listening as he managed to make his lips move.

“You could say that.” He smoothed his hair beside his head, his hand trembling. He could still hear Gojyo's voice calling him, but Ukoku's voice and presence were gone. “I have a clue, and an image to follow. It's... all they could allow. I need air.” He stumbled past the monks and the others, out into the sunlight, and looked at the road in front of him.

No white flowers, no red skies. All an illusion, all in his mind. And yet, his heart still echoed with Gojyo's voice.

_Are you... are you really calling for me?_

* * *

 

And Kanzeon Bosatsu sat back in hir chair, interlacing hir hands beneath hir chin and smirking. “If that's the only thing you'll listen to, so be it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One quick note: the brick over the genitals, as described in Sanzo's first nightmare, is actually from (if memory serves) a Yemeni or Lebanese law, which states that undertakers may perform autopsies on corpses of the opposite gender if the genitalia are covered with a brick. Specifically a brick. This may be outdated, as I can't find any record of this particular oddity at the moment. If I am incorrect, feel free to correct me, but that was the reference I was going for.


	9. 6B: Contents Under Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanzo and Hakkai have a bearing now, but find help from an unexpected source...

**6B: Contents Under Pressure**

“My, my, Yaone.” Dr. Nii Jianyi folded his newspaper over, his cigarette shifting to the right side of his mouth as Yaone froze in place at the door to the laboratory. “You've been up to something fun lately, haven't you?”

“I have no idea what you mean, sir.” Yaone turned back towards him, hiding the parcel of medicine behind her back and bringing a nervous smile to her cheeks. She had intended for it to be a quick in-and-out trip to pick up the test results and some more chemicals for packing pills, but she hadn't noticed Jianyi behind all the clutter on his desk. It was an excusable mistake, or so she thought; the room had more machines than she remembered seeing the last time she'd been there, and Jianyi's work area was worse than ever. She could barely even see his computer under the stack of printouts and data reports from his experiments. Now that she knew she was being watched, she was certain it would be much more suspicious for her to just run away, but the last thing she wanted to do was talk to him. Something about him just rubbed her wrong- maybe it was that stereotypically wicked smile he always seemed to wear.

“Oh, don't give me that.” Jianyi's smirk settled a little lower on his face, and he got to his feet. Yaone's hair all stood on end. “What was that lie you were feeding me? You took a prisoner...”

“An ally to our enemies. He happened to be very sick, and he's of more use to us alive than dead.” Yaone swallowed, as he took a few steps towards her, hands behind his back but hunched forward. Maybe it was that scent of cigarette smoke and sex that permeated him and wafted from his clothes and hair every time she walked past him, or the way the light from his desk lamp glinted off his glasses like eerie foxfire.

“Uh huh. So, you're giving him anti-nausea medication, heartburn medication, pain relief, an innumerable host of vitamins, and do I see sedatives?” He peeked behind her, and she shivered as his stubble brushed her shoulder. “Hmm, a fresh bottle of chloroform, but that looks like something for edema.” He grinned, the corners of his lips nearly curling like ribbons. “My, whatever he has must be nasty.”

“It is, and trust me, you don't want it.” She clutched the bag to her chest, hoping he would stop leering at her backside. He did, but as he turned around again, his hand brushed against the hem of her shorts. She shuddered, but he seemed to take no notice as he returned to his desk.

“An odd melange of symptoms.” He picked up Mr. Bunny from under his newspaper and used its fluffy extremities to tap the areas Yaone was treating- head, chest, stomach, ankles- ankles? When had she said the swelling was there? “Does this disease have a name?”

“Not that we know of. We're just treating what he has.” She felt her insides shiver as he made the rabbit rub its stomach. Maybe it was that rabbit that made her skin crawl like a writhing orgy of snakes- it had such a cute face, but in his hands, it looked so dark and sinister. Her answer, however, made his face light up with a dreadful sort of glee against the gloom of the dim room.

“Really? It sounds like a most fascinating case. Where did you say you were keeping him?” He sat up, looking all the world like the cat who's cornered a rodent, claws back with sadistic anticipation.

“I didn't!” Yaone squeaked- she hadn't meant for her voice to break, but she knew he was deliberately trying to push her now. He knew she didn't want him involved, and she knew he knew. _Don't let him get a rise out of you!_ “Kougaiji has me under strict orders not to divulge his location to anyone outside of his Sanzo-hunting team.” She gulped her nervous saliva back, as he released his disappointment with a sigh and sat back in his chair.

“Well, that's no fun at all.” He seemed to notice something on his wrist, and wiped it off on the front of his jacket. That was it, she decided- no matter what he'd been doing, there was always blood on him, usually fresh. His clothes, his hair, his face, there always seemed to be at least a few drops of someone else's blood there. She didn't even need to see it to know it was there. He smirked, when she realized she'd been staring at the heart-shaped smear on his breast pocket. “Is there anything else I can do to you?”

“If you'll excuse me.” She pivoted on her heel and started to leave, but she heard him click his tongue.

“Go easy on that chloroform, won't you? At this stage, you're likely to cause brain damage if you keep knocking Mama out.” She could hear the smirk on his lips, could sense the shadow creeping from his feet to the light from the dungeon hallway, could still see the blood on his hands and jacket, could hear the paper rustle as he kicked his feet up onto his desk. “Or, should I say... Daddy?”

_He knows!_

Yaone couldn't find a response, but continued on her way, keeping her pace even until she was certain she was out of his earshot. Then, she broke into a run. The shifting of her insides didn't help the nausea writhing in her stomach, but the panic flooded her veins and refused to recede, even when she reached her dragon.

“What is he going to do?” She asked herself aloud, and dug her heels in on the dragon's stirrups. “He'll tell Gyokumen Koushu- or he'll come around and investigate- or he'll start telling everyone that one of Sanzo's party members-” She caught her breath. “No, don't assume too much- he can't possibly know everything- and stop talking to yourself!” She gripped the dragon's reins and dug her heels in again, and the dragon took off.

_First things first. Take care of poor Gojyo, then worry about the rest as it happens. Isn't that what he would do anyway?_

And inside, Nii Jianyi pushed his glasses back up his nose, tapping Mr. Bunny's paw to his chin as he waited for her dragon to pass overhead. “Sounds like they're having a party out there. They must have forgotten to send invitations.” He smirked as he got up from his desk and headed for the laboratory door, and moved deeper into the castle. “I know _someone_ who'll be offended not to have been invited. Must be time for Uncle to spread the word.” 

* * *

 

It was the 45th day of Gojyo's imprisonment, and the third day since Dokugakuji had started forcing him to take the medicine. He had figured out that Doku had done it while he was unconscious from the dry, powdery feel on his tongue, and had raged:

“You son of a bitch, you had no right!” He had slammed his fists on the wall and tried to grab at him through the bars, but Doku had known better and stayed his distance, just out of Gojyo's reach. “I didn't want your stinking help! I don't even know what the fuck you put in me!” 

“It was exactly what Yaone told you it was.” Doku's knuckles turned white where they folded and gripped his elbows. “Stuff to keep you from throwing up and to help the aches and pains, plus a shit load of vitamins, since, you know, you ain't been fucking eating.” He stepped back as Gojyo lunged for him again, though his tone didn't change. “She said when she gets back with your test results, she'll get something for the swelling in your ankles and feet.”

“She tested me?!” Gojyo's voice rose to a pitch. “What the fuck is she testing me on?! I didn't say she could test me for shit!”

“She thought you lost the baby, you stupid fuck!” Dokugakuji finally broke, punctuating his outburst with a fist to the wall, and he pushed off it and strode towards Gojyo. “Hell, so did you! You said it had stopped moving! We thought you'd fucking starved the thing to death! You stupid, selfish, arrogant idiot!” Gojyo backed away from the bars as Doku approached, dropping his arms to his sides in shock. 

“I don't remember that,” he pointed out, wide-eyed. Doku sneered and folded his arms tight.

“We do. She does. You made her cry again, little brother.” Dokugakuji turned his head away, and pushed his bangs back from his face. Gojyo caught a glimpse of a pensive twitch in his eyes and lips, and got the feeling he was holding something back, but he seemed to push it away in the same motion as he faced Gojyo head-on again, one hand set on his hip, the other pointing at him to accuse. “It's high time I remembered why I did this in the first place- I'm here to save my niece or nephew from your selfish attitude. That's why I had to take you away and lock you up.” His teeth trembled as he ground them together. “You don't care about anyone but yourself, so someone's gotta care about that baby.” 

“I do care,” Gojyo protested, still rattled from trying to remember the last few hours before passing out. He had started to piece it together in bits, but it was a blur.

“Yeah, whatever. She's gonna get back and tell us whether or not the baby's alive, and then we're gonna take care of you like the prisoner you are.” Doku folded his arms again and started back down the hall. “Should'a done this the second we took you in.” 

“Yeah, well, fuck you too.” Gojyo collapsed to the floor, his legs still weak. His chest had started to ache. 

He hadn't realized just how much it would hurt to nearly lose the baby- he had resolved to losing his own life, but he hadn't known it would sting so much to take the baby with him. It was an awful feeling, one he was loathe to go through again. As such, he didn't resist too hard when Kougaiji and Dokugakuji entered the cell together. Kougaiji held his arms behind his back, while Doku forced his mouth open and put the pills in two at a time and held his mouth and nose closed until he swallowed. He had already, reluctantly, noticed the difference. Yaone's medicines weren't nearly as effective as Hakkai's qigong, but they made life livable. He could eat more than rice or porridge, though it still rocked his system to do so, and the strength had already started to return to his arms and legs. He did have one very strange realization as he tried to digest his first solid meal in weeks:

_I still got bigger._ He prodded his midsection, trying to bring his knees under it. The clothes Dokugakuji had given him now barely fit as well, even though they'd looked pretty big when he'd gotten them. _The rest of me got skinny, but you kept growing._ He traced around the widest part of it, wondering just how the baby had grown, then grinned when he felt something shift under his ribcage. _You little bastard, don't scare me like that! Your stupid ass is probably divinely protected or some shit, you were just fucking with my head!_  

He still didn't want to take any more risks, so he only put up a token fight during the twice-daily medicine regiment for the next two days. He started to exercise when he felt the strength to, jogging in place or stretching. He ate his meals, as much as he could, but even though he was hungry and he could get through his nausea to get some into his mouth, he had found that he couldn't finish a meal.

“I can't.” He pushed the half-full plate towards the bars of the cage. Dokugakuji scowled from his spot against the outside wall, but Gojyo slouched his shoulders. “There's no room. If I try to force it, I'm going to make myself sick." 

“You're being a stubborn ass again, aren't you?” Doku pushed off the wall. “If I have to force you to eat, too-”

“Doku, wait!” Gojyo sat upright when he heard Yaone's voice- she might have been an informant, but at least she was at least partly on his side. She rushed down the hallway from the stairs, took hold of Dokugakuji's arm and whispered something to his ears. He nodded, and Yaone opened the cell and took the plate. “I'll keep it safe for you until later, okay?”

“What the hell?” He frowned curiously. 

“Since the baby is getting bigger, it's taking up more room in your body. While it's definitely pushing out, it's also pushing in. Your stomach's probably being compressed.” She smiled at him, eyes warm and kind- _she already knows the baby's healthy._ “So, we'll give you smaller meals more often. Is that okay?”

He wanted to thank her- tell her how much better he felt already. He instead folded his arms sullenly. “Yeah, fine. Whatever you say.”

It was this attitude of contrition that helped him survive those days. He may have been giving in and letting himself be fed the medicine, but he hated it every second. He might have let them treat him with kindness, but he rejected it and spat back at them. _This is all the resistance I got left, and god damn if I'm letting them take that away from me._ Whenever they hung around, Yaone to make conversation, Dokugakuji to make sure he was eating, he wouldn't look at them. There was a very small part of him that felt bad, but he ignored it. He could hear the conversations they had around the corner: 

“He smells. Badly.” Kougaiji sniffed in Gojyo's general direction. Gojyo couldn't see his face, but he could imagine the upturned nose and narrowed eyes. “When's the last time he bathed?”

“He washes his face,” Yaone pointed out, then quietly trailed off, “But... Doku...” 

“I ain't takin' the risk of him gettin' away from me.” Doku was scowling, Gojyo was sure- it was the only face he seemed to wear anymore. “Takin' him out of the cell and moving him to the bathroom is a lot of chances for him to try and get out of my hands and try to run again.”

“We'll catch him. He didn't get far last time, and he wouldn't get far if he tried it again. For gods' sakes, he can't even walk circles around his cell without getting winded.” Gojyo winced- that one hurt. 

“Hey, that ain't even true!” He shook the bars of his cage. Dokugakuji, Yaone, and Kougaiji all leaned around the corner, then edged back out of sight.

“Do you need me to handle his dumb ass?” Kougaiji glared at Dokugakuji. “I'll drag him into the showers by his ears.” 

“Try it, pretty boy!” Gojyo stomped his foot, but the three youkai ignored him.

“I'd suggest we knock him out and do it that way, except I'm not scrubbing his filthy ass,” Kougaiji added. Gojyo's ears were nearly on fire. 

“Say that to my face, cockmeister! I'd chew my fucking fingers off before I let you touch me!” 

“I will not be providing you with any more chloroform.” Yaone continued as if Gojyo hadn't spoken. “We run the risk of hurting the baby.”

“You know, you could just fucking ask if I wanted to fucking shower!” Gojyo gave up and collapsed down onto his cot and folded his arms tight. “Hell, if you'd give me some soap, I might not even struggle.” He sniffed the crook of his elbow and winced. _Good goddamn, my clothes are ripe._ He peeled the shirt off, tossed it into his wash water, and pressed his head against the pillow. He could only catch a little more of the youkais' conversation: 

“Let's take this somewhere we won't be interrupted.” Kougaiji glanced around the corner, and Gojyo caught a glimpse of his disdainful glare. “I think I liked it better when he was half-dead- at least he was quiet.” 

“That ain't funny, Kou.” Gojyo heard Dokugakuji's voice echo and fade out as they left down the hall, leaving Gojyo by himself again. He turned his eyes upwards- the August sun was sweltering down from the dusty sky through his one window to the outside. In more than six weeks, he was certain he hadn't heard a single animal, not even the faintest, distant cry of a cicada or cricket. He was now almost certain they were far away from any civilization, far away from help. He was sure he was screwed...

But never so much as that moment when a huge shadow passed over the cloudless sky, and a great rumbling outside heralded the landing of another dragon. Gojyo's insides went cold when he heard an all-too-familiar voice shouting from outside...

* * *

 

It had been three days since the Sanzo party had visited the shrine, three days since Hakkai's collapse, and they had found the first inhabited place they'd seen since. This time, Goku insisted on going shopping with Hakkai, a serious look in his eyes.

“Gojyo won't be happy if you're sick when we find him.” Goku clung to Hakkai's arm as he tried to carry the bag of groceries with his unencumbered hand. Sanzo followed a few steps behind, having claimed he didn't feel like sitting in the hot sun with the Jeep. It wasn't a big market, and it wasn't particularly well-stocked, but they were able to get some canned goods, refill their cooler with ice and bottled water, and buy a decent meal. Sanzo felt he had little to talk about, though Hakkai was quieter than normal as well. He also noticed that every once in a while, one of them would glance upwards. They seemed to take turns watching the skies for their sign from above, having taken the clue as literally as possible. 

“It seems unlikely to think we'll find him all the way out here.” Hakkai sighed, and shifted the grocery bag against his chest. He turned a quick glance over his shoulder. “You said they gave you some sort of visual clue as well?” 

“I saw a building.” Sanzo recounted it for what felt like the ten thousandth time. “I have not seen one like it since then, or before, to my memory. I've told you this, and I told you I'll tell you if I see it.”

“I understand.” Hakkai sighed again- it was a familiar sound from him by now. Sanzo was sure it had become as common as breathing for him in the past six weeks. Goku clung to him a little tighter, but looked over his shoulder at Sanzo as Hakkai stopped over a fruit stall to pick out a few apples. 

“You said it was a big stone building, right? Like a castle.”

“Squarish, stone, two levels, very old.” Sanzo pulled the harisen from his sleeve and used it to fan himself. The stall's clerk, an old man with only a few teeth and even less hair, glanced up. 

“Sounds like the old Gaoh castle.” He leaned forward, a frown creasing all the wrinkles in his brow. Hakkai dropped the apple in his hand and looked up.

“You mean you've heard of this place?” 

“Well, it could be. Ain't seen it myself.” The old man shrugged. “Back when I was a kid, it was a haunt for a youkai gang.” He shuffled over and hunched down to pick up the apple. “Probably ain't even on the map anymore- been abandoned since long before any of your times.”

“I don't know about that.” Hakkai's eyes shot to Goku for a second, then back to him. “Where is this Gaoh castle?” 

“Eh, couldn't tell you. North of here.” He gestured with bony hands down the main street, which opened onto a plain. “Past the rice paddies, it's all desert, been that way since huge dust storms started coming down and tearing it up every fall. I'd say it's at least a week on foot.”

“So, you're not quite sure where it is, and it might be the one we're looking for, and it's at least a day's drive out of our way.” Sanzo folded his arms. All three of them considered the situation for about three seconds. 

“Well, if you'll excuse me.” Hakkai grabbed four apples, shoved all the money in his pocket towards the old man, shook Goku's arm off, and ran in the direction the man had gestured. Sanzo and Goku were only a step behind him. The old man tried to wave at them. 

“You forgot your change!” None of them heard him, as Hakkai tapped on his satchel. 

“Hakuryu, we're changing direction.” The dragon barked with approval and jumped out of his pouch and transformed into the Jeep directly in front of him, and the trio jumped in. “We're going north. Hold steady!” Hakkai threw the Jeep into gear, and the tires squealed as he peeled out onto the dirt road. Sanzo gripped the dashboard, having not had time to put his seat belt on, but he couldn't complain. 

The voice in his head and heart was only getting louder, and it was starting to give him a headache. 

* * *

 

Gojyo had tried to ignore the uproar around him as Kougaiji and Yaone dealt with their unexpected visitor. He had only caught a glimpse, and he was certain it was mutual, but he didn't care. She hadn't talked to him, nor he to her, and that was really all he could ask for. Now, the three youkai were talking again as they returned to the jail cell row, and Gojyo caught an earful as they walked past him: 

"It's almost a good thing she came here, since she brought information- Sanzo and his pilgrims have been seen in the area, so we have to keep an eye out for them." Gojyo got up from his bed at this point and rushed for the bars. 

“Is that true?” He asked, gripping the bars and hanging close to them to try and listen. Yaone glanced at Kougaiji.

“My lord, we really must be more careful about where we have these conversations.” 

"Hey, listen," Gojyo started, but Dokugakuji whipped around and grabbed his jaw. 

"Are you going to insult Lord Kougaiji?" Dokugaku demanded, and Gojyo quickly shook his head, gagging to show his displeasure. He let go of Gojyo's mouth, and Gojyo grunted and wiped his mouth. 

"Thanks for making me choke on my tongue, ass.” He shoved Doku's wrist back. “Now, as much as I enjoy being your damn captive, in this awful little box with this hard bed and no privacy, I'd really prefer to be back with my friends. You know they've gotta be worried about me." Gojyo chuckled and looked away. Of course, Hakkai was the only one who really worried, but Goku was probably just whining about how bored he was, and Sanzo- well, Sanzo didn't give a shit about anything, but it amused Gojyo to think he was probably beating the monkey even more than ever- _Heh_. "So, as much as I appreciate your, uh, 'hospitality'-" 

"Gojyo, you're here for your own good." Dokugakuji folded his arms and pushed back away from Gojyo's cell. "If you ever listened to what you and your friends said, you'd know why. How many times have we been told that each of you only fights for himself?” He threw one hand out in a shrug, as Yaone nodded in agreement. “You don't care about the world. You don't even care about each other. Besides that, everything you've done in the last six weeks has done little to convince me that you'll put aside your selfish attitude and take care of this kid. What is there to show me that my niece or nephew will be taken care of at all?" Gojyo snorted as Dokugakuji continued to stare him down, but he folded his arms around his middle.

"You can think what you want of me." Gojyo lowered his nose into his arms. "This kid is part of me, too." 

"This is all beside the point. It's vital that we direct them around this place. It's not directly in their path, but they may be attracted to it anyway. Let's discuss this away from him." Kougaiji waved Yaone and Dokugakuji away, and they followed him down the hall. If they did pick up their conversation again, it was somewhere that Gojyo couldn't hear them. 

_They're coming, but they might not come past here. This is my last chance, and they're fucking it up, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it._ Gojyo gripped the bars of his cell and pulled on them futilely, and hung his head. _Maybe, just maybe, they can hear my soul scream out. Please, someone, anyone, hear me._

* * *

 

The dust storm plain was wide and empty, dead and dry as they had been told it would be, but thankfully storm-free. The ground cracked as the Jeep's wheels traversed it, causing Hakuryu to whine in complaint, but Hakkai simply patted the wheel. "It's solid enough, don't worry," he reassured the Jeep, and pressed forward. 

It had been a full two days since they'd last seen town, heading north across the wrecked plain, and there had, as yet, been no sign of the spoken-of Gaoh castle. Hakkai still seemed to be running on adrenaline, as he didn't stop driving unless Goku demanded a rest stop. Goku, of course, was bored. After Sanzo had seized the squirt gun a few weeks prior, he'd gotten Goku a paint-by-numbers book. Goku had finished the last of them a few hours after leaving the little village, but since he had paint left over, he had started to paint other things- the backs of the Jeep's seats, for instance. After Sanzo confiscated the paints and forced Goku to scrub the upholstery clean- while the Jeep was still in motion, to boot- the poor boy was completely out of things to do. Sanzo had long since run out of newspaper to read, but he had other ways of distracting himself, folding his legs under him and meditating. Hakkai had noticed that even this calming action brought an irritated look to his face, but he decided not to question it.

Now, in the mid-afternoon sun, they still had seen no castle, nor any evidence that there had ever been anything there. Even more, there had been no sign of relief from the heat. Goku tilted his head back and sighed. The party had been silent for some time, with little to talk about, so Hakkai's ears perked at his exaggerated displeasure. 

“Is something wrong?” 

"There's no clouds nowhere. I'd do anything for some shade!” He sat up languidly, swaying from side to side. “Hey, Sanzo, can I borrow your fan?" Sanzo yanked his harisen from his sleeve, reached back and hit Goku atop the head. Goku groaned, defending himself with his arms and weakly swatting back. "Not like that! Come on, it's too hot and I'm too hungry to get hit!" 

"No such thing!" Sanzo reached back to whack him again, but a shadow passed over the Jeep. All three looked up; it couldn't have been a cloud. Instead, what looked like a very large bird had soared over them, heading in the opposite direction. It was too large to be a bird. It was not a bird. 

_This must be our sign!_

Sanzo pulled his gun and pointed it at the creature, aiming for its wing. He fired three shots, and the creature shrieked and rolled towards the ground. Hakkai and Goku were both stunned, but Hakkai drove towards the crash site, complaining aloud, “We finally see something out of the ordinary, and you shoot it!” 

Once they got closer to the landed dragon, it became apparent that the creature was a slightly larger cousin of Hakuryu, and it had a familiar rider on its back. The dragon had landed on its belly, groaning in pain. Hakkai screeched to a halt and leapt from the car, his foot landing on Sanzo's leg as he vaulted over him and went to the unfortunate injured dragon. Sanzo swore quietly to himself, but turned to look as Lirin rolled off the dragon's back.

“Oh crap, it's her.” Goku put his head on the back of the seat and sighed. She pushed herself to a stand and rushed to her dragon's side. 

"My dragon! Poor guy- Man! Big brother's gonna get mad at me again!" She stomped her feet and kicked the dust. 

"It's okay, little Miss Lirin. I'll make him all better." Hakkai knelt over the dragon, who was whimpering and trying to nurse his wound. He stroked it between the eyes, and it settled itself on the ground as he went about healing the rips in the film of its wings. Lirin gasped when she realized he was there, and turned to Sanzo and Goku. 

"Hey! It's Baldy and the monkey and the other guy! I haven't seen you in so long! Lirin missed you guys!" She rushed over and embraced Sanzo, but Sanzo pushed her off. 

"Don't touch me." He put her at arm's distance, and Lirin pouted. 

"Miss Lirin, whatever brought you here?" Hakkai seemed to notice her dismay, and smiled at her over his shoulder. 

"Oh! Big brother and his friends were having fun out here, and Lirin came to visit. They said Lirin had a job to do." Lirin folded her arms behind her head and shuffled her feet. “Lirin was supposed to fly her dragon southwest to make Baldy and monkey and friends follow her- but hey, you followed me anyway!” She turned back towards Sanzo and beamed. “Did Lirin do a good job?" 

Sanzo and Hakkai traded a knowing look. “Southwest, you say?” Hakkai continued patching up her dragon, using some bandages to cover the tear. 

“Yeah, so, you should go that way.” Lirin smiled again. "I dunno, though.” She took half a step back and scratched her chin. “Lirin thinks Big Brother and his friends might have been trying to get Lirin to go away too, so she doesn't disturb their visitor. Lirin knows that they're worried about Mister Pervert, but Lirin's not going to do anything to hurt him!" 

Hakkai and Sanzo both halted in motion, even pausing on the exhale. Little red flags and flashing alert lights might as well have sprung up all around Lirin, as all of their beliefs were confirmed. Without exchanging a word, Sanzo and Hakkai agreed on a tactic. 

"Mister Pervert? Is this another of your brother's friends?" Hakkai maintained a smile as Sanzo lit another cigarette. 

"No, silly, one of yours! With the red hair!" Lirin giggled and waved a 'you-so-silly' hand at Hakkai. Hakkai smiled weakly and nodded, and she rocked on her heels and continued. "Yeah, big brother and his friends said that Mister Pervert's going to stay with us for a very long time. That's why he told Lirin to fly her dragon, so she could take you southwest and be sure you don't come looking. He doesn't want you to interrupt their party." Lirin smiled her dozy smile, as Hakkai finished patching up the dragon. 

"All done, but your little friend may need a rest." Hakkai turned to face her. "Now, what exactly did your brother and his friends say about our red-haired friend?" 

"Well, I guess it was something like this!" Lirin grinned and whipped out a trio of hand puppets made to match Kougaiji, Yaone, and Dokugakuji. Sanzo and Hakkai both withheld their shock- they had no idea where she had gotten the hand puppets, nor why she was carrying them around, but they were sure that asking about it would only raise further, stranger questions. She held up the Kougaiji hand puppet, and mimicked his deeper voice. "You think Jianyi figured out what's going on out here? You know he's going to want to research the child." Sanzo felt a chill run down his spine- _first those nightmares about Ukoku Sanzo, now this Jianyi person._  

Lirin continued and placed the Dokugakuji puppet on her other hand, and forced her voice deep to the point where it nearly cracked. "I'm fully aware that the baby should be an impossibility- frankly, I'm curious myself. But if I get word that Jianyi's coming anywhere _near_ him or my little niece or nephew, I'll jump the continent to keep them safe. You think his curiosity would take him to the Western continent? Hell, how could he even figure out the truth?” 

She tossed the Yaone puppet onto her foot with her teeth, and made her voice much higher. "Look, I'm sure he knows- he ran a test I wasn't aware of, and it gave me some information very specific to the situation. I really should tell you both- he ran a test that shows that Gojyo's c-"

She cut herself off and spoke in Kougaiji's voice. "Wait, Lirin's eavesdropping. We can't have her go blabbing everything, because you know that's exactly what she'll do." 

Lirin then joined the conversation in her natural voice. "Oh, come on, big brother, tell Lirin the big secret about the red-haired man, please?!" As Lirin continued to reenact her conversation with Kougaiji, Hakkai beckoned the other two over to him. 

"Do come have a look at this marvelous creature, so perhaps you will be less inclined to harm them in the future." Hakkai had a mischievous twinkle in his eye, belied by his nonchalant tone. Sanzo and Goku approached, the ground crumbling under their feet. Goku was confused, but Sanzo was serious. Hakkai barely bothered to drop his voice. "It seems that we have a unique opportunity.” He looked between them. “Let's think. Who is Lirin?" 

"An annoying girl," Goku glared at her over his shoulder. The Kougaiji puppet was beating her atop the head. Sanzo rolled his eyes. 

"Kougaiji's younger sister." 

"Point for Sanzo." Hakkai clapped his hands together. "Now, who is Dokugakuji?" 

"The big dumb-looking guy." 

"Gojyo's older brother." 

"Another point for Sanzo." Hakkai scratched the dragon's head absentmindedly, as Goku slouched, disappointed, and Sanzo calmly started a cigarette fresh. "Now, what do big brothers do for their little siblings?"

"A lot," Goku answered, smiling proudly to have beaten Sanzo to the punch. Sanzo rolled his eyes and added: 

"Kougaiji tends to rescue Lirin when she gets her silly self into trouble." 

"Both are valid answers!" Hakkai smiled wider. "Now, we know Kougaiji calls the shots. Who do you think Kougaiji cares about more: Gojyo, or Lirin? Or, rephrased: if we offered one for the other, who would Kougaiji consider more valuable?" Goku and Sanzo both considered it, and after a second, Sanzo raised his brow at Goku. Goku finally did the math to get Hakkai's implication, and dashed for the trunk to pull out the rope they kept around in case they drove into a mud puddle. Sanzo and Hakkai turned to Lirin, their faces- Hakkai's smile and Sanzo's scowl- eerie to the very, very confused teenager. 

"Miss Lirin, your dragon will probably have some difficulty taking you back." Hakkai offered her a hand. "Why don't you tell us where your brother is, we'll give you a ride there in the Jeep, and then you can send him to get your dragon?" 

"Ooh, I can ride in your Jeep?" Lirin's eyes brightened, and any suspicions she had were immediately forgotten. "Yay!" She bounced over to Hakuryu and hopped into the back seat next to Goku. Hakuyru chittered a loud disapproval, but Hakkai patted the hood. 

“It's important, Jeep- it can't be too far.” He circled around to the trunk and dug out their cooler, as Lirin bounded onto the bench. 

Sanzo followed Lirin into the Jeep, sitting beside her in the back seat, and Goku jumped in the front and passed him the rope. Sanzo leaned over and fastened her seat belt, and then began to tie her to the seat as securely as possible. She wiggled and looked the rope up and down. "What is this for?" 

"It's to keep you safe during the ride," Sanzo muttered, and he put his own seat belt on. Lirin took Sanzo at his word and smiled, wiggling her hands at her sides. Hakkai went to the dragon's side and patted his head. 

“You stay here, little friend.” He set down a foil baking tray and filled it with water from their cooler. “Your master and her big brother will be back for you soon. Now, if it takes a little too long for your liking, can you fly home on your own once your wing feels better?” The dragon emitted a deep, guttural grunt, and Hakkai chuckled. “That's a good boy. Sorry about all the trouble- I know it's not your fault, you just ended up-” 

“Hakkai, can you talk to anything people can ride on?” Goku asked from his seat, tapping his foot on the dashboard (to Hakuryu's predictable dismay.) 

“Only the ones that are related to dragons!” Hakkai giggled, then lowered his voice again. “Take care, little fellow.” He patted the dragon's cheek again, and returned to the Jeep. “Lirin, would you mind pointing us in the exact direction of your brother's party?” 

"Okay, Lirin knows where to go!" She hunched forward and pointed, and Hakkai nodded, before putting the Jeep in gear and roaring across the dry plains in the direction she indicated. With the Jeep in motion, Sanzo tapped Lirin on the shoulder and leaned in to whisper into her ear. 

"Now, I'll bet you don't get to have fun very often, so when we see your brother, you and I are going to play a fun little trick on him…"  

* * *

 

Yaone knelt by Gojyo's cell, watching in pity as he regurgitated his most recent meals. Her medicine may have helped him, but it wasn't perfect. “Gojyo, I think I need to make the medicine stronger. It's getting worse. I'd diagnose hyperemesis gravidarum, but I'm not a doctor.” 

“I don't know what either of those big words mean,” Gojyo moaned between gags. 

“It means you're at risk for dehydration. You're lucky you haven't gotten yourself sicker.” She sighed, and opened her medicine pouch. “I've got an extra dose of vitamin B6.” 

"I don't want your damned poison," Gojyo heaved, clutching his stomach in pain. "I've already taken enough.” He forced himself back from the hole and hoisted himself to an unsteady stand, and glared down at her. “I will not be dependent on you!"

"Gojyo, please, don't be a fool! You- oh, I can't stand this!" She threw the medicine aside and jumped to her feet. His knees were still shaking from the pain, and he dropped onto the cot, both hands clutching his aching middle. "Doku told you I ran a blood test, because I was checking to be sure the baby was healthy. I noticed something off about your pregnancy, and I looked into it. Gojyo, I found something you need to know-" At this, Gojyo clamped his hands over his ears and began to hum to himself. He didn't want to hear it. Yaone sighed. "Gojyo, this is very important!" He shook his head and hummed a little louder. "Gojyo, it's about your health- your child's health- take your hands off of your ears-" He pulled his knees onto the bed and leaned a little closer to his middle, humming louder still. Yaone threw her fists to her sides. "Listen to me, you stubborn ass!" And then she started to hear him sing to the tune he was humming: 

_“And isn't she pretty in pink?”_  

"Gojyo, please!" Yaone's voice cracked, and Gojyo removed his hands from his ears just so he could hear himself blow a raspberry. Yaone cracked, a tear running down her face. She turned away from him and tried to rub her eyes and sniffle back years. "Oh, why do I even bother…” She fixed a harsh look on him through her teary eyes. “I don't even know why I bother to care about you at all!" Gojyo sighed, and folded his arms on top of his belly. 

“You always gotta make me feel like the bad guy.” He sighed out the last of his nausea and sat forward. "You're such a cute girl, but you're going to ruin your complexion like this. Quit cryin' over me.” She dried her eyes again, bewildered, and he leaned back and added, “You shouldn't bother to care about me. Nobody else does." Gojyo winked at her, forcing a weak grin, and Yaone seemed to wilt like a dehydrated flower. 

"Do you care about yourself? About your child?" 

"My kid is the world to me. Why d'you think I'm letting Doku give me your medicine at all?” He exhaled loudly, and she realized his meaning. 

“You mean-” 

“This is probably the only chance I'll ever have to be a father. Since I'm a mule, and all.” He started to palm the flesh at his middle like a ball of clay. “I'm only going to have this one because it's a gift from the goddess, and not even a gift for me! This is a gift for the ingrate who put it in me." Gojyo glowered at the floor. “So I've suffered for like six months, my muscles ache all the time, I'm fat and heavy and it's hard to walk, I can't eat but I still really want a whole jar of kimchi, I'm pretty sure my hips are dislocated, I ain't felt my toes in a month, there's a bunch of weird stripes on me, and I'm pretty sure my bellybutton's turning into an outie, all because the goddess wanted someone else to have a kid.” He sighed again, as Yaone almost felt his mood swing as he slouched, lowering his head. “But this baby is still mine. Hell, I even know what I want him to look like. But the way things are looking, I'll never even have the chance to raise it. Since I can't just let myself die- the baby'll die first if I do that and like fuck if I'm gonna mourn my own kid- you'll keep me in this cell forever and take him away the second you get it out of me. This-" He gave his middle a sharp slap- “ain't nothin' but a ticking time bomb, and the second it goes off, my life is over.” Yaone knit her eyebrows together sadly, unsure of what to say to him, and Gojyo turned away from her. "Don't ask me what I do or don't care about, when you don't even know me." 

“Gojyo...” She sighed deeply, and braced herself. “The baby... Well, maybe I should say...” 

"Yaone," Kougaiji called from outside of the cell., and she turned to him. "Come on, we've got trouble." She got to her feet and rushed away from Gojyo, trying to forget the miserable look on his face as she rushed outside. She could only catch a few more words of song: 

_“She's gone, but the joke is the same...”_  

* * *

 

“So, this is it?” Sanzo put the paint-by-numbers paints away as Hakkai put the Jeep in park. 

“Seems so.” Hakkai smiled, and jumped out of the Jeep. Hakkai, Goku, and Sanzo found themselves before an old castle, with crumbling walls of packed straw-and-mud bricks, drier than the plains- identical to the one Sanzo had seen in his vision. Much of it was dilapidated; it looked ready to fall over on itself. Hakkai, however, scratched his chin. “You know, it looks a bit run-down, but the inside's probably fairly sturdy. Besides that, everything underground is certainly unaffected by the winds and sands. Good place to store things- or people." 

“Yeah, Mister Pervert was down there!” Lirin was still tied up in the backseat, but she remained cheerful. “I'm sure big bro and his friends are still hanging around.” 

“Speak of the devil.” Sanzo squinted into the shadows. “Here comes our welcoming party.” The front doors swung wide, and Kougaiji, Dokugakuji, and Yaone rushed out, Doku with his sword and Yaone with her daggers drawn. Sanzo took hold of Lirin by the ropes and yanked her out of the car to stand beside him, and Hakkai and Goku got out as well and formed a barrier before them- physical for Goku, chi for Hakkai. Kougaiji skidded to a halt when he saw Lirin at Sanzo's side, and Dokugakuji and Yaone stopped only a few steps ahead of him.

"What the hell are you doing with my sister?" Kougaiji scowled and pointed an accusing finger at Sanzo. 

"Oh, her dragon got injured.” Hakkai kept his usual smile on. “We were just passing through when we picked her up.” 

“Baldy shot my dragon,” Lirin confirmed, and Hakkai giggled. 

“Well, you have your version, we have ours. But since we're here," Hakkai paused, and that dangerous glint in his eyes appeared. "Perhaps we can talk about what you're doing with our friend." 

“Oh, you are short a member, aren't you?” Kougaiji rose his eyebrow, and Yaone quickly looked away. Dokugakuji folded his arms.

“I don't know where my brother is-” 

“You're full of shit.” Sanzo jabbed his thumb towards Lirin. “She spilled.” Kougaiji felt the vein throb in his forehead, but Sanzo narrowed his eyes and continued, “But we had suspected you anyway. Now, where's my servant?” 

"He's safe," Kougaiji replied curtly, a dirty look on his face as he glared between Sanzo and Lirin. "I want my sister." 

"What a coincidence!” Hakkai clapped his hands together like a pleased schoolteacher speaking to a very slow child, and his tone matched: “We want our friend." 

"Cut the bullshit, Hakkai." Sanzo stepped forward and pulled his gun from his sleeve. He aimed it between Dokugakuji's eyes, and he flinched. Sanzo narrowed his eyes. "You. Go get your brother." 

"Like hell!" Dokugaku growled, his eyes hot and voice thick with malice. He turned his eyes to Kougaiji with an urgent look. "Lord Kougaiji, it's three on three, we can take 'em." Kougaiji bit his lip for a moment. 

“Fine, then we deal with them, take the sutra, and solve all of our problems.” Kougaiji focused on Goku. Goku rolled his eyes. 

“Fine, I've been wantin' to fight you anyway!” Goku summoned his nyoibo and took a fighting stance. Hakkai and Yaone faced each other, eyes meeting. 

“I have a lot to tell you,” Yaone said softly, but Hakkai shook his head. 

“I think he'll be able to tell me anything important.” Hakkai raised his hand, and she could feel the anger radiating from both his qigong and his smile. Dokugakuji drew his sword, and took a few menacing steps towards Sanzo, shoulders hunched, muscles tense. 

“Well, priest?” He glowered down at Sanzo, however, was not interested in fighting Dokugakuji. 

"Even if you could take me in a fight, do you think you can take this?" Sanzo turned his gun's muzzle to Lirin. Lirin smiled innocently, clearly unaware or unable to recognize the danger she was in, but Kougaiji dropped his guard and rushed forward. 

"Don't shoot her!" Kougaiji yelped, taking a few scrambling steps towards her. Yaone held his arm as Sanzo pressed the muzzle against her forehead. Lirin giggled and continued to smile. How could Lirin be so calm? Why wasn't she fighting back? 

"It's a simple request, really." Hakkai didn't turn his focus from Yaone, but glanced to Kougaiji just long enough to meet his eyes. "We will trade your sister for his brother. Everyone is back where they belong, then. We'll take very good care of him, just as we were before. Otherwise, we'll just take her west with us… and we can't guarantee how well she'll be taken care of." Goku panicked. 

“Wait, we can't take her with us!” He threw his nyoibo aside and dove at Hakkai's feet, hugging him around the knees. 

“We certainly can.” Hakkai beamed down at him and ruffled his hair. “If they're entitled to take our friend, we're entitled to take his sister.” 

"But-but-but, she'll eat everything and she'll be loud and whiny and annoying!" Goku shook his head and tugged at Hakkai's knees. Hakkai sighed with exasperation, but Sanzo glared at Goku from where he stood and threw the harisen at him, knocking him off of Hakkai's leg. He turned back to the three youkai and pressed the barrel firmly against Lirin's head again. 

"The girl for the man," Sanzo insisted, as Goku whined and rubbed his forehead and Hakkai shook his legs out. Kougaiji lowered his head and looked to Dokugakuji. 

"Dokugakuji, I'm sorry, but I think we've taken this far enough. If something were to happen to Lirin-" 

"I understand, Lord Kougaiji. Gyokumen Koushu would not condone any harm coming to her only daughter, and everyone would be in trouble then." Dokugakuji clenched his fists as he turned a glare to Sanzo. "You're a fucking rat, priest!" Sanzo seemed to ignore the insult, but brought Lirin closer, with Goku and Hakkai jumping to lead the way. Lirin bounced on her heels as they came close to Kougaiji, but Sanzo pressed the barrel of the gun against her ear. Kougaiji's hands trembled. 

“Untie her and give her to me, and we'll go get him.” Kougaiji looked ready to close the meter gap between them. Dokugakuji's legs were shaking as well, and Yaone could see his body aching to lunge at Sanzo. She could almost feel his energy, she could almost see his hands around Sanzo's throat- _He's angrier than he should be._ Sanzo's nostrils flared, his eyes narrowed to slits. 

"Yes, we let her go, you take her and vanish. I think not.” He wrapped his finger around the trigger. “There will be no deceit. Take us to Gojyo." Kougaiji huffed his anger out in a single breath, but whirled on his heel and waved them on. Goku and Hakkai kept a step ahead of Sanzo. Hakkai was still smiling, but the color had drained from his face, and Goku was doing everything he could to keep from running ahead of Kougaiji. Dokugakuji watched them pass, and followed.

Yaone shook her head and inserted herself between Sanzo and Doku, trying to understand why Doku was so enraged. Even more, she unable to imagine how Lirin was still smiling- she was a bit spacey, but she wasn't completely stupid!- until Kougaiji led the priest and his party out of the shadows and into the castle and she could see that the gun Sanzo was holding. _No deceit, Lord Sanzo?_

"Lirin," she asked softly, "are you enjoying your game with High Priest Sanzo?"

"It's a good game!" Lirin called back, glancing over her shoulder with eyes alight. "Mister Baldy can be lots of fun sometimes!"

“So I thought.” Yaone smiled with relief. Dokugakuji tapped her on the shoulder, and as she looked, cocked a questioning eyebrow. She shook her head. _This may be for the best._

* * *

 

Gojyo heard the approach of Kougaiji and his party, though he noticed a few more echoing steps than usual. _Must be losing my mind- maybe the malnutrition's fucking with my head again._ He curled up on the cot on his left side- _just like the book said, blah blah blah pressure on major arteries-_ staring at the wall, watching the light creep across the crevices between the stones for a moment. He felt the baby shift inside him, and patted his side. “I know, kiddo.” He rolled onto his back and swung his legs to the floor, then sat up. “Let's get ready for another round.” 

Kougaiji entered, but Gojyo's jaw fell as Hakkai, Goku, and Sanzo followed. He lurched towards the cell, legs shaking under him. Hakkai, too, threw himself at the bars. 

“My god, look at you!” Hakkai was breathless, and Sanzo and Goku watched Hakkai's mask crack completely. The tears flooded out, and he reached out and touched Gojyo's cheek. His hands trembled, as if he expected to be pushed away. “You... you look... you poor thing! You look so sick!” 

"What the hell are you talking about? I've never been better." He grabbed Hakkai's arm, and shook his hand off his face. Hakkai laughed softly and tried to push his tears away. He squeezed his arm, and Hakkai slid his hand into Gojyo's. "You're really here... this is the best I've been in my life." Gojyo couldn't keep joy from crinkling his face, grinning so widely he thought his cheeks would tear. Kougaiji had to avert his eyes from their reunion, and turned his glare to Sanzo. 

"Okay, here he is. Untie Lirin and I'll open his cell." 

"She gets untied once he's out of the cell," Sanzo didn't even look at Kougaiji. Kougaiji looked ready to protest, but a loud _CRUNCH_ made the entire party look and see that Hakkai had broken the lock with a single punch.

“Just let her go, Sanzo.” Hakkai threw the door open and rushed in. He held Gojyo at arm's length, looking him up and down for a second, then threw his arms around him. “It's okay. I'm here now.” Gojyo was briefly stunned, but he rested his head on Hakkai's shoulder.

_I don't even care that you're a guy right now. I missed you..._

Sanzo, meanwhile, yanked the knot loose on Lirin's bonds. "Game over, Lirin. Good job." He nodded approvingly at her, and she giggled.

“Thanks, Mr. Baldy!” She bounded over to Kougaiji, who dope-slapped her.

“You tell them everything, you get captured, and you aren't even upset?!”

“Come here, come on.” Kougaiji turned his head as Hakkai began to coax Gojyo out of the cell. He kept his arm around his shoulder, and wrapped one around his side. “Can you walk? I'll carry you-”

“I'm fine, bro, I need to stretch anyway- I've been cooped up in there for weeks.” Gojyo put his palms on the small of his back and squeezed the muscles. “Let's just go, before they change their mind.” Hakkai stopped to turn narrow, scrutinizing eyes at Dokugakuji.

“You really locked him in a cell for nearly two months?”

“After he tried to escape three times.” Doku folded his arms. “You really think he'd have survived running through that desert?”

“No, but you didn't have to lock him up in the first place.” He turned away, and Sanzo and Goku followed. Yaone grabbed her medicine bag from near the cell.

“Hakkai, here- he's been taking these for his ills.” She caught up with him as Gojyo started his way up the steps.

“No, thank you.” Hakkai seemed to ignore her, until she held out a bottle.

“Prenatal vitamins! He needs these.”

“I can promise I've been giving him a complete diet.” At this, Yaone took hold of his sleeve, and he halted in place and faced her, disbelief plainly written between his eyebrows.

“You won't be able to. He will not be able to eat enough to get enough nutrition- he can't put it in his body or hold it down.” She shoved the bottle into his hand, and Hakkai sighed.

“I suppose at this point, you'd know better than me.” He looked the bottle over, and Gojyo winced. Yaone ignored him and continued. 

“It's ten weeks' worth. I doubt he'll be able to maintain this another five if he continues to mistreat himself, but if you should run out, you're on your own.” She fell back and released Hakkai's sleeve. He pocketed the bottle. 

“Mistreating himself, you say? I'll be careful with him.” He looked up at Gojyo, still smiling but eyes narrow. Gojyo smiled back uneasily, knowing that the notion was set and Hakkai was going to extract her meaning. Mercifully, as he continued moving, still holding Gojyo's shoulder, it seemed that moment would not be now. 

They made their way up the steps and back outside. The sun was moving lower in its passage across the sky- not quite sunset, but certainly in the later afternoon. The ground was warm, the air hot, but thin. The dust shifted in the hot wind, but there was still no signs of life except those who were there voluntarily. Gojyo trembled as he set foot on the ground- it had been nearly two months since he'd done so- and he dropped to his knees. 

“Freedom,” he whispered, and put his hands in the dust. The world may have been unkind and unwelcoming, but anything was better than being locked up. Hakkai patted his back.

“There are better places to celebrate- perhaps more hospitable than this.” He put his hands under Gojyo's arms and hoisted him back to his feet. Gojyo rested his arm over Hakkai's shoulder, and they stepped into the sun. It was then, however, that someone else chose to speak up.

"You." Gojyo turned when Sanzo spoke, and gaped when he realized that the pistol had never left his clenched hand. The barrel was now pointed at him. “You have put us through far too much trouble.” Hakkai released Gojyo's arm and backed away, and Gojyo held his hands in front of him in futile self defense. Kougaiji's party caught up with them at the top of the steps, and Dokugakuji's jaw fell.

“No-”

"You wouldn't shoot me." Gojyo forced a smirk around his extended palms.

"Would you like to test that theory?" Sanzo's thumb brushed the hammer, and Gojyo ducked and put his head behind his hands. Dokugakuji lurched forward, but Sanzo squeezed the trigger and sent a spray of water at Gojyo's forehead. Gojyo blinked, jaw agape, and Lirin giggled from behind Kougaiji as he, Dokugakuji, and Gojyo all realized the ploy. Sanzo promptly dropped the water pistol and grabbed Gojyo's shirt to smear the black paint off, then pushed past him towards the waiting Jeep, still complaining over his shoulder: "We search for you for weeks and you don't even have the courtesy to smell like a man rather than a dog when we find you.”

"Yeah, Sanzo's right. You stink!" Goku laughed, tagging along behind him. Gojyo was dumbfounded for a moment, until he saw Dokugakuji keep moving towards him over his shoulder. 

“You tricked us, you asshole. You hand hi-” But Sanzo whipped back around and drew his real pistol, aiming it in the general direction of the youkai group. 

“Finish that sentence. I dare you.” Sanzo's eyes shot to the others. “Everyone in the fucking Jeep, before any of these idiots get any bright ideas.” Nobody had to be told twice, but Hakkai noticed Gojyo's legs shaking and hoisted his arm over his shoulder, and helped him move. Sanzo maintained his aim at the youkai group. Dokugakuji's clenched fists were shaking, but he was making no more motion to give chase. Yaone was holding Kougaiji's arm- as if she could hold him back if he wanted to rush at the party again- and Lirin was jumping from behind them, waving and calling her farewells. Gojyo laughed, letting his anxiety out, and leaned on Hakkai's chest. 

"You actually came for me. Hell, you were looking for me. I thought you guys would just move on, no matter how hard I wanted you to come for me-" 

"Don't be stupid.” Gojyo looked up when Sanzo said this, eyes still as narrow and unreadable as ever. 

"You needed us, so we came,” Goku added, beaming as he jumped into the back seat. “I think I heard you calling me." Goku smiled at Gojyo, but Gojyo noticed that Sanzo had lowered his head- only he knew what was in there, but Gojyo wondered:

_Did you hear me too?_

Hakkai helped Gojyo into the back seat, and Goku dove into his lap, hugging his middle. “Hey, little cousin! I missed you!” He rubbed his cheek against Gojyo's stomach. Gojyo withheld his displeasure and teased Goku's hair- it was almost nice to have this back. Hakkai turned the Jeep on, and Sanzo finally holstered his pistol and got in. Reunited, and everyone back where they belonged, they drove off into the sunlight. The four in front of the castle heard the tires squeal as the Jeep took off, watched it vanish into the rising dust, and Kougaiji finally shook Yaone's hand off.

“I suppose we'd best get on our way.”

Dokugakuji finally dropped the tension from his shoulders. "I'm not going to give up on helping him."

"I don't expect you to. Maybe it's best for all of them if you think of a different way to help, though." Yaone folded her hands behind her back, eyes tracing the last of the Jeep's dust cloud as it dissipated into the pale sky. "After all, he does deserve the opportunity to be a father. He told me it was a gift for the man who fathered it, and that he didn't want him, but I think that was a lie- after all, Hakkai seems so affectionate-"

“That guy ain't the father,” Dokugakuji interrupted, one fist clenching again. “Why would the gods give him a gift? Even I can tell which one of them is the most worried about him and that kid, and it's coincidentally the one the gods'd be most interested in.”

“Wait- you mean you think-” Yaone's jaw fell, as everything clicked. “But, Lord Sanzo, and your brother- does that mean they-- why would the gods give Lord Sanzo that sort of gift?” 

"It may have been the gods' intentions, but those four tend to live in spite of that." Kougaiji shook his head. He folded his arms as the Jeep faded from view. Dokugakuji approached Kougaiji again, contrition in his slouching form.

“Lord Kougaiji, I need to do something for him. Please, give me permission to-”

"I agreed to trade his freedom for Lirin's. I never said we would stop helping him. For now, we need to move out." Kougaiji turned back to the castle. “They said they were heading West, weren't they?” He re-entered the castle, Yaone at his side. Dokugakuji smiled, relieved, and followed, thankful that he could keep his loyalty to his lord and hopefully recover his loyalty to his brother.

“We'll do somethin', Gojyo. Even if you hate me, I'm gonna save you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics Gojyo is humming are from "Pretty in Pink," originally by the Psychedelic Furs.
> 
> Also, decided to up the rating after reconsidering the content of the earlier chapters. I do promise further explicit content, but not for a few more chapters. Patience is a virtue and all!


	10. 7A: The Sensation of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally back with his friends, Gojyo has to face the problem of adapting to his condition- and Sanzo has to try and do the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters of Saiyuki are not mine.

**7A: The Sensation of Life**

_SLAP!_

“Repeat that for me, please.” Hakkai smiled his usual smile as Gojyo rubbed his sore cheek. Goku and Sanzo, appalled and indifferent (respectively) watched from over their campfire and their card games, but looked back down before Hakkai could see them watching.

Hakkai had driven due south for hours solid, only stopping when Gojyo muttered a complaint of hunger. And yet, he had been happy to be sitting in the Jeep again instead of curled up on the cell cot, and smelling the smoke from Sanzo's cigarettes instead of his own sickness and the dank mildew of the castle basement. He was even happier that Hakkai had a jar of kimchi- “and just for you,” he'd added, as Goku gagged at the smell- and that he'd kept an entire meal down with Hakkai nursing him through the nausea. Hakkai had nearly exhausted himself with his qigong, as all the work he'd done on Gojyo had been undone with six weeks of neglect, but he still found the energy to examine Gojyo more closely after their meal. He'd also asked Gojyo to tell him everything, including what Yaone had meant by “mistreating yourself.”

“I-I said-” Gojyo spit blood, realizing he'd bit his lip at the first blow. “I refused their stupid medicine. I thought they'd make me pay 'em back for it, or it was fuckin' poison or somethin-” And Hakkai wound back to slap him again. Gojyo blocked it this time and threw his palm back with his wrist. “Come on, man, if I knew you were gonna hit me, I would'a stayed in the cell!”

“No, you wouldn't.” Hakkai massaged his temples between his forefinger and thumb and sat down on his camp seat. “But, from what you're telling me, outside of locking you up and refusing to let you go, they treated you fairly well.”

“Well, they fed me and stuff.” Gojyo folded his arms. “But I didn't appreciate the 'bein'-locked-up' bit.”

“Of course not. You're a free spirit, aren't you?” Hakkai giggled, and Gojyo slouched in his chair.

“Somethin' like that.” The shadows on the ground were narrow, like cast by light coming in under a locked door. He traced little circles on the sides of his midsection- the baby had become incredibly active after Hakkai had smacked him, presumably from the adrenaline rush. He sat back, but almost slid off the stool. “Ah- damn!” He scooted himself forward, balancing on his heels. Hakkai had jumped up to catch him, and instead patted his back, but Gojyo could feel the chi still flowing out of him. He also felt better, healthier, every time Hakkai touched him, so he couldn't complain.

“The good news is, the baby feels perfectly healthy- just as much as before, absolutely abundant with chi. It's actually nice.” Hakkai returned to his seat, folding his hands between his knees. “We spend our days surrounded by death and misery, leaving a trail of bodies in our wake, and now you're creating life. It's an odd inversion of the balance, that it's so difficult to create life and so easy to take it, and yet normally, one is much more frequent than the other.” He chuckled softly, the firelight illuminating his genuine, affectionate smile. “But you're overflowing with life. You're even starting to get that new-mother glow.”

“What?” Gojyo raised his brow, and looked himself over. He was still wearing the same dirty clothes he'd worn for weeks- though he'd tried to rinse them in his basin, it had been a futile effort without soap- and he was streaked with dirt and dust, his hair stringy and greasy. Hakkai seemed to take his meaning with his usual soft smile.

“It's not in your physical appearance. It's more in your aura than anything else.” He glanced to the other two. “Goku, you noticed, right?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah.” Goku shuffled around on his seat, and hid the playing cards in his hand against his chest. “It's like there's happy coming out of you.” Sanzo kicked his shin.

“Pay attention.” Sanzo blew a ring of smoke around his closely-guarded hand. Goku snapped back around, and put a few cards down. Gojyo still seemed less than amused.

“I don't feel especially happy.”

“It's not you. It's him.” Hakkai gingerly tapped the top of the bump. “He's happy to be alive. It shows through you- like I said, it's overflowing.”

“The only thing I'm overflowing with is piss- yeah, gimme a minute on that.” He rocked up to his feet, catching his balance with his hand on his middle, and waddled a few meters from the campsite to privacy of the darkness.

“You do that!” Hakkai went to Hakuryu's trunk, and started yanking out sleeping bags. “But maybe a decent night's sleep, a bath, and some clean clothes will help you see it.” He unzipped two of the sleeping bags and lay them atop one another. Gojyo returned to see him zipping the bags together.

“Bro, what're you doing?” He watched as Hakkai folded the bags over, and got to his feet.

“I'm certain your back will appreciate the extra padding. So, I will sleep in the Jeep.” He displayed the quadruple bag to Gojyo and beamed. “Once we get to town, I'll be sure to get you a camp seat with a back to it, as well.” Gojyo scratched the back of his head, ignoring the blush in his cheeks.

“You... don't have to.”

“I want to. After all, if you're not taking good care of yourself, I will.” Hakkai's sweet smile made his offer earnest, and Gojyo reluctantly sat himself on the mat on the ground. He could still feel the ground through all the layers of sleeping bag, but it was better than just one bag. Hakkai sat by on the camp stool to join in the card game, and Gojyo lay himself down.

Even in the midst of the cracked desert and the dead air, Gojyo couldn't be happier to be there. Surrounded by familiar faces, with the warmth of friendship to bear out his discomfort. Even the “life” he was told he was “abundant” with made him feel complete in a way he couldn't really describe.

* * *

 

As happy as Gojyo had been to just be back with his friends, he was even happier when they finally reached a town the next afternoon. _“Food and clothes and a bath!”_ He had been excited almost out of his mind when he saw the buildings through the rising dust and the steam of the achingly hot sun, bouncing in his seat like Goku when he saw a waiter coming with his tray. Sanzo had scoffed and told him to “stop being obnoxious,” and even Goku nudged him in the ribs with his elbows.

“Quit it, you're shaking the car!” He gave Gojyo an uncharacteristically grouchy glare, and Gojyo forced himself to settle.

“Ugh.” He held his stomach- halting the motion so quickly had made all the liquid in his middle slosh. _That's a new one._ It happened again when Hakkai pulled the Jeep to a stop outside of the town, but Gojyo managed to hide the disgust and discomfort into his hand this time.

“Just like we discussed last night, Goku.” Hakkai patted his shoulder as he got out of the car. “Gojyo, you're staying here.” Sanzo got out with Hakkai, and the two started towards the town. Gojyo squinted as they started to fade from view in the dust.

“What the hell?”

“We gotta wait for them so you don't, uh, 'make a scene.'” Goku sighed and put his feet up on the console between the two front seats. Gojyo understood; he was unwashed and smelled distinctly of his own sweat and grime, not to mention he would draw a lot of unwanted eyes in his current state.

“This is gonna be rough, isn't it?” He kicked his feet up onto the console next to Goku's and rested his hands behind his head. “S'gonna be hard to hide this from folks.”

“Yeah, 'bout that.” Goku glanced over at him. “Hakkai and Sanzo were talkin' about that after you went to sleep. Sanzo says he doesn't want you walkin' around in broad daylight anymore.”

“He ain't gonna stop me.” Gojyo closed his eyes to shade them from the bright sun overhead.

“Hakkai was talkin' about stopping moving. He says traveling with you's gonna be tough.”

“We can't stop just for my sake. We got more important shit to worry about than me.” This statement caused Goku to look up and sit upright.

“Wait, for real?” Goku leaned over Gojyo, nose close to his forehead.

“What?” Gojyo let one eye slide open.

“You're serious with that? You're the most important person! At least to you,” he added, before Gojyo got the wrong idea. “You're always on about 'great me' and how much everyone loves you- you'd never think the mission was more important than you!”

“It's more important to-” His lips hung open mid-thought when he realized where that sentence was going. His eye slipped shut again. “Uh, the rest of you.”

“I dunno. I think Hakkai cares more about you and the baby than getting to India. And if I had to choose...” Goku rubbed his chin, and smiled. “Well, I guess stopping for a little while to take care of the baby won't hurt. We've got a lot more driving to do anyway, I wouldn't mind a vacation!”

“Except it wouldn't be a vacation.” Gojyo let his eyes half-open, blinking at the azure center of the sky. “We'd get chased there by youkai assassins all the time, and the townspeople wherever we are will get hurt and kick us out, and you guys are gonna get really fuckin' tired of covering my useless ass.”

“Aw, Gojyo, don't talk like that.” Goku let his head fall onto Gojyo's chest, and Gojyo shoved him off.

“I dunno. Maybe I-” He halted his sentence again, but he thought the rest of it: _Maybe I was better off out of the way. Maybe you all were too._

Hakkai returned with a few buckets of water hooked on his arm and a sheet, confirming Gojyo's assumptions. He got out of the car and stripped his shirt off, and rolled his eyes as Hakkai dumped the cold water onto him. Dirt and dust rolled down his face, draining through his hair, but it didn't wash away the disgrace of being so disgusting. He looked to Hakkai for some semblance of approval or disapproval, but Hakkai's smile told him nothing. It didn't help the insecurity that was taking root in his mind. Yet, as the water rolled down his chest, he at least felt the relief of cleanliness. Gojyo finally grinned as Hakkai lifted a second bucket, and decided it was enough for now to be cared about.

Once Gojyo's skin was no longer streaked with mud and sweat, Hakkai wrapped the sheet around him to dry him off and cover him. Gojyo didn't even have to look to realized Goku had gotten rid of the tunic he'd been wearing, and he was sure the pants would vanish the second he removed them. Hakkai, however, made no mention of it, just asking, “Do you think you can walk the rest of the way in?” Gojyo shrugged. Hakkai touched the Jeep's hood, and the Jeep became Hakuryu and tucked himself into Hakkai's sash. “Then let's be on our way.”

Gojyo's strength held out the half-kilometer walk, and he was happy to finally able to stretch his muscles. Each weary sinew ached from the atrophy, but it was a good soreness. By the time they met Sanzo at the inn, he was leaning on Hakkai's shoulders to keep from collapsing. Sanzo had waited for them in the tavern, and flagged the waitress down to bring menus. Gojyo didn't even care that he was wearing a blanket as he devoured his kimchi and pork. He didn't care about the stares he was getting. The happiness was back, though he wasn't quite sure why. _I guess I just missed this._ He glanced over the table at Sanzo, who was perusing the newspaper and spooning mayonnaise onto his green beans. _Even that._ Full and content, and not even a little nauseous, Gojyo dragged himself to the room he and Hakkai were going to share, and fell asleep almost before his head hit the pillow. He was just happy to be there, too happy to dream.

When he woke up the next morning, Hakkai was awake, dressed, and had clearly been up and about for hours. He was organizing something in his satchel, but shoved it away when he noticed Gojyo sitting up. "Good morning," Hakkai giggled, smiling at Gojyo as he sat up and rubbed his forehead. "Don't get up too fast- shaking yourself up will make you nauseous.” He took a seat on the edge of Gojyo's bed. Gojyo took the chance to lean forward and peek at the satchel. He caught a glimpse of a dangling black sleeve- _Clothes?_ Hakkai touched his forehead. “You've slept a long time. It's past eleven, you know. I was worried you were getting sick from the shock of going from that chilly basement to the heat, but you don't seem feverish." Gojyo shook his head, his mind still a bit too fuzzy to make speech happen, and Hakkai chuckled again. "It's okay, we're taking a day to rest anyway. I'll draw you a bath, you can eat-” he took a bowl of cucumber and grape salad from the bedside and set it near his hand- “And since you may not try on your new clothes until you're cleaner than they are, I'd recommend bathing once you're finished.” Gojyo finally shook his head to get his senses, and beamed at Hakkai.

“You're fuckin' awesome, you know that?”

Hakkai left a towel on the back of the chair, and left Gojyo to eat and wake himself up, but not before warning; “Don't go through my bag. It's a surprise.” He shrugged, and began to eat the salad. It had a sweet and salty dressing, and Hakkai had put some lavash crackers on the side so he could soak up the last of it off the bottom of the bowl. He couldn't, however, finish the portion- _Yaone was right. Even though I want to eat this, there just isn't any room in me._ He put it aside, regretting the slivers of cucumbers and sliced grapes left in the bottom half of the bowl. _This is gonna start being a problem, isn't it?_

He got to his feet, tilting his shoulders until he found his balance, and took the towel off the back of the chair. He wrapped it around himself just under his breastbone and trundled down the hall, hoping he looked like he was holding the towel out over himself and that there wasn't anything solid underneath. The large bathroom at the end of the hall was left open. He peered in, and could see the deep, barrel-shaped tub was full to the brim, with a layer of fruit-scented bubbles on top, making the room smell sweet, with an undercurrent of soap. A thin, long window lit the room, and with the sun at its current angle, light shafted in as a beam that made the water's reflection glimmer on the walls. Gojyo glanced behind him, closed the door and stripped his underwear off.

He slung the towel on the rack near the tub, and made his way up to the tub's edge. He tried to watch his feet around his belly so he wouldn't bump into anything- a harder task than he had initially anticipated- but hoisted his legs up over the tub wall one by one and slowly slid into the warm water, and leaned his back against the high walls of the tub. He was surprised that the bubbles didn't turn brown with the filth that surely still slid off of him, but it felt good all the same. He felt gravity loosen its grip on him, and spread his legs and arms out. _This is so, so good._ His joints loosened, tension washing out of him with the last of the dirt, and Gojyo folded his knees to sink deeper in, his chin touching the water, bubbles tickling his nose. Surrounded by water, the movements of his baby shuffling around in whatever he had that passed for a womb were amplified, especially since the warmth seemed to have woken the baby up. “Oof-” He winced when an elbow- or a foot, or something- landed on his full stomach, but chuckled a second later. “You're getting strong, huh?” Curiosity began to nibble at him, and he shifted his hands to explore the dome of flesh at his hips.

Gojyo often touched himself, which he mentally admitted with a chuckle, but so rarely did he do it like this. He traced each millimeter of stretched, taut skin with his fingertips, and chills ran through his bones. Even in the warm water, his belly felt hotter. A fire was burning inside of him, and now that he had his hands on it, it was stoked and burned hotter. Every movement from the inside was a spark in the kindling, a log catching and roaring into a blaze. He shivered, and tried to see through the fire to the creature living within him. _Well, it's not a creature. It's a little person, isn't it?_ It had arms, and legs, and a mouth, nose, and eyes, he knew, and he imagined ten fingers and ten toes. He wondered what it all came together as, what-or who- this baby would look like, and if it was healthy.

_Well,_ Gojyo decided, _it's gotta look like him. After all, I'm sterile- this little bastard's probably all him._ He sighed. _I'm gonna have to live with a little clone of_ _him_ _for the rest of my life. Let's hope he doesn't catch his personality, too._ He chuckled- it actually was a pretty funny mental image: a little tiny Sanzo that actually smiled. _Bet he'll do cute shit, too. Splash his spoon in his cereal bowl, cut his own hair into a mohawk, be a total pain in the ass..._ But the health really was probably a bigger problem. _I know Hakkai said the kid was good, but... still..._ For a moment, Gojyo regretted not listening to Yaone or taking the medicine, but he made himself dismiss it. _I like a good surprise. Hakkai says the kid's healthy, I believe him. Nothing else matters._

"If you're going to make it, then I'm going to have to be a little bit more careful, huh?" He realized he was still talking to the baby. _I only did that before because I was lonely, and it was better than talking to myself._ After getting over the notion that he was either stupid or crazy, he realized that there was nothing wrong with it. _I've been doing it all this time and I'm not crazy. And I know I ain't stupid._ It felt completely natural, and Gojyo decided it probably wasn't entirely unhealthy. He glanced down and drummed his fingers on his front, unsure of what to say. "I mean, you can hear me, after all. Hakkai said so." He gave his middle a squeeze. “Besides, I promised you a hug when we got out.” He felt a distinct kick in response, and smiled. "You really can, huh?”

"Gojyo, who are you talking to?" Gojyo froze in place when he heard Goku call from outside the bathroom.

"S-stupid monkey! What are you doing here?!" Gojyo sat stark upright, sitting up and folding his arms over his chest to keep them off his stomach. He wondered how much Goku had heard.

"Hakkai woke me up and asked me to guard the door.” He paused, then leaned close to the door and whispered: “'Cept, I wanna take a bath while it's still hot! Gojyo, can I come in with you? I promise I'll still guard you." Goku sounded giggly and eager, and Gojyo imagined him rocking on his heels with his usual childish eagerness. He relented: he might as well be nice to the kid, he'd have one just like him soon enough.

"Whatever. I'm almost done anyway." Gojyo began to soap himself, as Goku bounced in, already naked with a towel around his waist. _Oh, he knew I was gonna let him in!_ Gojyo scoffed as Goku dropped the towel and jumped right into the soaking tub, splashing water onto the floor.

“Aw, man, it's not even that hot!” Goku sighed, and dunked himself all the way under. Gojyo rolled his eyes and continued to rub himself with the soap. Goku stared at Gojyo as he pulled his leg up around his side to scrub his feet, until Gojyo gave him an icy look.

"Do you mind?"

"Mind what?" Goku blinked back at him, shrugging off his glare.

"I'm naked and you're staring at me." Gojyo sat back against the tub wall and scowled. "I don't like it when kids look at me like a piece of meat."

"I'm not a kid, and I'm just looking at how big little cousin's grown!" Goku grinned gleefully, and he spread his hands and wiggled his fingers. “I'ma touch 'im!” With no room to back away, Gojyo was trapped and Goku's hands landed on his taut middle. Goku promptly squeezed him like a ripe melon, then wrapped his arms around Gojyo's waist, holding his breath. Gojyo felt all the fire in him explode, his cheeks flushing hot.

"Don't touch me like that!" Gojyo shoved Goku off and dunked himself fully under to get the soap off, then he quickly jumped out and wrapped a towel around himself. Goku edged his eyes over the tub, still grinning like a shark during senior waterobics.

"Aww, but I had to see. You're just way bigger than a regular pregnant lady, cause I saw some of those, and they weren't as big as you." Goku took the soap, still smiling childishly as he started to lather up. "Plus, I've never felt a baby belly before. I wanted to feel it!"

Gojyo snorted, giving Goku a cold stare as he considered his words. Finally, he demanded, "Well, what did it feel like to you?"

"Really cool," Goku chuckled, and rubbed the soap in his hair. "It was like a barrel really full of fish, but like, the fish can't even move, cause it's so full!” He grinned a little wider. “And it was warm and firm like meat. I bet it'd taste good, too!” He sat upright with inspiration. “Can I bite it? I wanna see if it's meat or fish!" Goku bared his teeth in a wide, wide grin, and Gojyo laughed and backed away from him.

"Hell no! You ain't a cannibal!" He grinned back at Goku, but kept his distance all the same. Satisfied, he toweled himself off and strolled back out of the bathroom. Clean, rested, at peace, and headed for a new outfit, he couldn't think of a much better way to start his day.

Hakkai knocked on Sanzo's door, before tapping the door open and poking his head in. The priest was in the midst of his usual routine for rest and restock days- chain-smoking cigarettes while reading the morning paper. “I thought you'd be here.” He smiled, but received no such courtesy in return. Hakkai continued. “You asked me to let you know when he woke up." Sanzo glanced at Hakkai over the top of his paper, raising an eyebrow. Hakkai smiled a little wider. "He woke up." Sanzo nodded to acknowledge him, and went back to his paper. Hakkai took a few steps into the room. "I'm surprised you asked, though. I never thought you got along well." Sanzo snorted quietly, not looking up, and Hakkai chortled to himself. "I suppose you pity him his situation. I suppose… becoming a parent unexpectedly can result in some unfortunate things.” He lowered his gaze, sadness creeping into his expression. “After all, look at us. We are all orphans by some means."

Sanzo put his paper down and fixed Hakkai a with hard stare. He didn't like how Hakkai had paused, expecting him to respond.

"Think about it," Hakkai continued, and paced a half-circle around Sanzo. "I was abandoned, you were put in the river, and Gojyo was illegitimate and his parents... Well, you know.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Don't be angry with me for saying so but if I didn't know better, I'd say you truly wanted to be sure Gojyo doesn't make good on his threats to send his little one the same path you took. Despite all appearances, you'd rather not see that happen to another child." Sanzo considered this for a silent moment, then reopened his newspaper to make clear to Hakkai that he was ignoring him. Hakkai giggled, high-pitched and oh-so-slightly nervous. “Well, I'd best check on him.” He slipped out, leaving Sanzo to his paper. Sanzo lifted his eyes one more time as Hakkai left, then put his paper down and ran one hand through his hair, then rested his hand over his eyes. It had been a difficult conversation, even though he hadn't said a word.

Gojyo got back to the bedroom, and sighed when he realized the clothes he'd removed were gone completely except the towel wrapped around his hips. He spied the satchel, and flipped it open. He knew for sure there were clothes in there, but the bag seemed much deeper than he'd initially believed. He continued rifling through it, not hearing footsteps in the hall behind him. Hakkai spotted him, then tiptoed in, silently closing the door behind him. He leaned close to him and smiled over his shoulder. "Nice and clean?"

"Ah!" Gojyo gasped, and jumped back from the bag, stumbling over his legs. "Don't scare me, I swear to god, man-"

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to frighten." Hakkai placed his hands on Gojyo's shoulders to steady him, and Gojyo caught the towel and put both of his feet on the floor. Gojyo chuckled nervously- Hakkai still had a rather sinister air about him at times, though if Gojyo hadn't just been held prisoner, he might have laughed at being surprised. Hakkai, however, smiled a little brighter. "Ah, you smell nice! And your skin looks so bright and clean! Now, let me see here." Hakkai suddenly reached and grabbed Gojyo's middle.

"Hey! Goddamn it, get off me!" Gojyo snapped, jerking back. Hakkai cocked his head, puzzled.

“I thought you didn't mind when I touched you.”

“I... I don't. I'd rather you asked first.” Gojyo looked away, cheeks pink again. “Since when did havin' a baby in me give everyone permission to grab my gut?” Hakkai giggled.

"Then, may I?" Hakkai extended a hand again.

"Fine. Go for it." Gojyo slumped his shoulders and slouched. Hakkai folded his hands around Gojyo's abdomen like he was carrying a crystal ball. His palms curved to hold him, and Gojyo flinched- the skin was sensitive, and it tickled a little. Hakkai seemed to notice, and drew his hands away just enough to decrease the pressure. With that, Gojyo could relax, and closed his eyes as he let Hakkai's warm, firm palms trace him, leaving little bursts of qigong energy in their wake. “What're you doin'?”

“Ah, you noticed?” He turned his eyes up to Gojyo's for a moment. “To be frank, I'm reading again. It's the strangest thing- the little one's life force is so strong, but there seems to be something off, something I just can't place my finger on." Gojyo frowned, but didn't stop Hakkai. Hakkai hummed to himself as he worked, while Gojyo waited for him to explain. He didn't. Instead, settled his hands at the very base of his pubic bone, cupping the swell, thinking for a moment, then withdrew his hands and fixed a sharp look on Gojyo. Gojyo shivered; it was one of those even, parental gazes, that never failed to make him feel uncomfortably like a child.

“What's wrong?”

“That's just the thing. I'm not sure.” Hakkai rested his index finger on his lower lip for a moment. “You've just gotten so big.” Gojyo snorted and put a scowl on, but Hakkai waved his hands in front of him. “Not that there's anything wrong with it! It's just- your basal height- it's more distinct than ever that you're measuring like you're a few weeks ahead of where you should be. Are you sure you can't tell me when you conceived?” Gojyo winced, and shook his head. “I see. Can you at least tell me whether or not I'm right in assuming you're at about 27 weeks?”

“I guess. I dunno.” Gojyo realized then that he hadn't counted. Hakkai's smile tilted to show a hint of dismay.

“I'm open, whenever you're ready to talk.” He clapped his hands together. "Now that you are clean, you can try your new clothes."

"I'm game." Gojyo stepped back as Hakkai opened his satchel.

"I did not know what would suit you, since you could not go with me when you clearly needed some sleep. I chose two articles, along with underclothes, that I thought would fit you well and serve our purpose." He laid a few things down, and dug a little deeper. “Once you're dressed, we can get you a few more things just so you have some variety.” Hakkai yanked a small laundry bag from his satchel and tossed it to Gojyo. Gojyo opened it, to find a few pairs of black boxer briefs. He tossed the towel aside and yanked one on, and grinned.

"Heh, awesome. Fat guy pants." He patted his belly as he worked the waistband up around his navel, then rested his palms on his hips. "They're nice, but unless you want me to go around like this, you gotta have something else. What did you pick out for me?"

"Well, for now, I have two options for you." Hakkai held up two articles of clothing, and Gojyo looked mortified at both.

"You have lost your fucking mind!"

"Quiet down," a low, dangerous voice ordered from the door. Gojyo hadn't heard Sanzo come in, but he now hung in the doorway and was glaring in at Hakkai and Gojyo, as Gojyo looked at his new clothes. Gojyo looked at Sanzo for a split second, then glared back to the outfits Hakkai had selected. Hakkai giggled nervously.

"This was all I could think of for now. We can always go find something else once you're dressed, but for now-" Hakkai held a black, long-sleeved, shapeless, baggy linen maternity-sized frock in one hand and an overly large black monk's robe with a royal blue sash in the other. "This dress, though not especially feminine, is designed for a woman with child." He displayed the robe. “And, present company excluded, it's common for monks to become somewhat rotund after years of meditation, much like certain depictions of the founder of the religion.”

"Your fashion taste is way off, dude.” Gojyo folded his arms, peeved. “I'm not a cross dresser, and I'm definitely not a holy man. I can't wear those." He stood firm, but Hakkai continued to smile.

"Your only other option is to go naked."

"Give me the damn robe." Gojyo groaned and accepted the article from Hakkai, and pulled the robe on. Sanzo looked away, glowering at the floor, as Gojyo temporarily became a Buddhist monk. He tied the sash around him, and looked at Hakkai. "What do you think?" Hakkai looked Gojyo up and down, and a soft giggle slipped between his tightly smiling lips. The robe fit, but the sash, tied under the bump, made him look a little bigger than he was. That was not, however, the major issue. Hakkai looked at Sanzo in his plain muslin robes, then Gojyo in his black robes, and started to laugh openly. Both Gojyo and Sanzo rolled their eyes as he tried hard not to laugh. It didn't work, and he had to lean against the wall, laughing uncontrollably at poor, unholy Gojyo's expense. Gojyo sighed and ripped the sash off. “Fine. Dress.” He yanked the robe off and tossed it at Hakkai's face, muffling his cackling.

"I can die happy now." Hakkai managed to stop laughing and folded the robe up. “It fits, so I'll see if I can't make it a coat for when the weather gets chilly, but for now, here.” He passed the dress to Gojyo. Gojyo pulled it on over his head, and smoothed it down. He turned around once, and checked his reflection in the window. The frock was loose enough to completely contain his bump, with plenty of room to grow, and with baggy sleeves and a fairly high neckline, it was almost like an oversized shirt. However, because it fell to his ankles, it was distinctly a dress. To both Hakkai's and Sanzo's surprise, they heard a sad sigh, as Gojyo tugged at the waist of the dress. He looked to Sanzo.

"Tell me I look ridiculous."

"You look ridiculous," Sanzo obliged, his eyebrows furrowed as he stared at Gojyo's feet. "But we won't have to make you pass as a woman if we can get a pair of pants that fit you.” He turned his focus to Hakkai. “Cut the bottom off below the hips, and it's a shirt." He turned away, looking at the door frame again. "Until then, I won't be seen in public with you."

"You got a knife, or a pair of scissors?" Gojyo held out his hand, and Hakkai dug in his bag to find his scissors. Gojyo dug the blade into the dress and pulled it around, shredding it off just below hip level and effectively turning it into a tunic.

“That will do,” Hakkai agreed, and he sat down on the bed and searched through his bag again. “Give it here, and I'll hem it so it at least looks neat.” He pulled out a small sewing kit.

“Right.” Gojyo pulled the shirt off and tossed it to him. “Did you chuck my spare clothes too, or we still got 'em?”

“They won't fit.” Hakkai frowned. Gojyo pounded his fist into his palm.

“I'll make 'em fit 'til I find a pair that does.” As Hakkai leaned over the bed to rummage for Gojyo's pack, neither of them noticed Sanzo, already rummaging in his pocket for his lighter, take his leave.

Hakkai handed Gojyo his pack, and Gojyo found one of his spare sets of breeches. As predicted, they did not fit, even less so than he thought possible. The zipper wouldn't even budge, and the thought of even making the button meet the hole was laughable. “You got any spare rope in that infinite bag there?”

“But of course.” Hakkai paused in his sewing to retrieve a length of silk cord. Gojyo yanked it through the belt loops and tied it in a firm knot. It held, and Gojyo thanked his lucky stars that he'd left extra length on the tunic to cover the gap left by the open zipper.

“That'll work.” He sat down beside Hakkai, and watched him work. Hakkai was quite deft with the needle, swiftly pulling it in and out in a very quick blanket stitch. “So, uh, did you guys really think you could pass me as a woman?”

“Hm? Oh, no.” Hakkai shook his head, though he did not look away from the needle. “We were considering a few different options for how to make your, ah, condition a bit less noticeable- after all, Sanzo is publicly known, as is his mission, and none of us want to have to answer any difficult questions, especially those we don't have answers for.” Gojyo lowered his head, and stared at the floor. Hakkai didn't seem to notice. “Goku floated that idea- you know, 'he's got long hair already, just give him some makeup and boobs!'” He tugged the thread tight, gathering the bottom into very slight pleats. “You'll be pleased to know Sanzo beat him for suggesting it.”

“Heh.” Gojyo grinned. “Yeah.”

“There's a smile.” Hakkai patted Gojyo's shoulder. “You were so despondent- especially for how happy you were earlier. I suppose the mood swings are rearing their ugly head.”

“You mean my hormones are making me sad?” Gojyo looked down again. “Guess that's better'n the alternative.”

“Which is?” Hakkai cocked his head curiously. Gojyo opened his mouth to answer:

_“That I just realized Sanzo still doesn't give a shit about me. He didn't look me straight on even once, and I don't even know why I want him to.”_ He shook it off and looked away. “That my life sucks.”

“It does not.” Hakkai handed the shirt to him, and he put it on and rolled the sleeves all the way up. “Things could be much worse. Like I've promised you, we are going to make this work.”

“I know.” Gojyo got to his feet. He still couldn't look Hakkai in the eyes. “Have you seen my shoes?”

Gojyo wasn't sure how Hakkai had gotten his shoes- he knew he'd lost one when Kougaiji and his party had kidnapped him, and Dokugakuji had taken the other- but it seemed a moot point now. He couldn't get them on. Bending over at the waist was not an option, since his waist didn't bend so easily. He sat on the bed and leaned to both sides, but while one hand could yank the boot up his ankle, he couldn't reach with the other to tie the laces. Hakkai watched as he tried to get on his back and lifted his leg over his head, but this was a futile effort- Gojyo knew it from Hakkai's giggling. He sat upright again, hair disheveled and a glare on his face. “If you've got time to be an asshole, you've got time to help!” Hakkai was still giggling as he got down to lace and tie Gojyo's boots. “You have no idea how fucking embarrassing this is!”

“Just remember, it's worth it.” Hakkai glanced up and set his hand on Gojyo's side. Gojyo sighed, and dropped his scowl.

“Y-yeah.”

“We'll get you some slip-on shoes so you don't have to be embarrassed by asking me for help.” He smiled, and shifted his hand closer to Gojyo's breast, near the top of his stretched midsection. “There- did you feel that?”

“Of course I did.” Gojyo brushed Hakkai's hand off. “He's been doin' that all morning.”

“Just a reminder of why you have to tolerate all this.” Hakkai leaned in and pressed his ear against Gojyo's middle, and Gojyo felt his whole body stiffen at his embrace. “Well!” Hakkai abruptly jumped up and dusted his knees. “Let's see if Goku's done bathing, and we can do a little more shopping.”

“Right.” Gojyo started getting back to his feet, but Hakkai held a hand out. He took it, and Hakkai pulled him up. “Man, do I need help with everything?”

“Don't be ashamed of asking for help. That's what friends are for, right?”

“Sure.” Gojyo smiled, but Hakkai could see the exhaustion behind it- tired of dealing with the problems before him, weary from living life for two people. Hakkai put his arm around his shoulder, and Gojyo instinctively leaned against him. It was a kind comfort to Gojyo, but to the eyes watching from the hall, it felt like a slight.

Neither Gojyo nor Hakkai noticed the smell of cigarette smoke outside the door, nor Sanzo fleeing the rest of the way down the hall from where he'd eavesdropped the remainder of their conversation.

* * *

 

Once Goku finished in the bath, the party ate lunch together. Hakkai noticed that it was quieter than usual, or at least quieter than it should have been. He studied each of his party members, and discovered what didn't quite belong- Gojyo was reticent to talk, much as he had been. Hakkai could at least excuse it this time to his poor mood, but Goku seemed to notice it too:

“What's wrong?” Goku leaned over Gojyo's nearly-untouched plate. Gojyo shook his head.

“I can't eat. It's pissing me off.” At this, Hakkai raised his hand to catch their server's attention.

“One to-go box, please.”

After that, the foursome went out into the street market. It was a fairly large bazaar, and there was a great deal for all of them to do. Gojyo browsed through the haberdashery stalls, looking for pants that would fit around his hips with extra room, and Goku went to stare at a chunk of meat spinning on a spit, drooling. Sanzo stayed with Hakkai, and they kept Gojyo in their line of sight as Hakkai picked out groceries and other supplies. Sanzo didn't shop at all, instead smoking and staring at Gojyo like a hawk watching its prey.

Gojyo knew he was being watched, but he didn't much care. For the moment, he had been unleashed. Knowing he could walk where he wanted and do what he wanted was good enough. When Hakkai looked away from him to carry on conversation with Sanzo, he was sure he could have run as far and fast as he could and gotten wherever he wanted. _I'm here because I wanna be. That's what's important._ The freedom he had was hampered by the eyes on his back- not just Hakkai's, but unkind ones that watched his each motion and traced the curve of his figure. _Guess I'd do the same if I saw me. I can't just pass this shit off as having a few too many beers._ Not only was the unwanted attention starting to get to him, but his failure to find anything that really suited him was annoying. He found one stall that had clothes that looked like they would fit him, but just one look told him he wouldn't be allowed.

The stall clerk wore a pretty pink apron with a stork sewn on it, and the stall was dressed with paper chains shaped like diapers and bottles. One side of the stall had baby clothes, boxes of diapers, and bottles. The other had stacks of clothes that were definitely more his shape, if not necessarily his style. He couldn't resist, and picked up one of the frillier tops near the top of the stack. “This is the girliest shit ever,” he chuckled to himself. It was, really- pink lace all the way across and vertically from the neck to the hem? A hot pink ribbon around the waist? A big white bow on the back? _This is girlier than Hakkai's apron._ He put it down and snickered, but heard another voice giggling along. His jaw locked when he realized the clerk had spotted him.

“Not your taste, right?” He forced a toothy grin as she approached, already pulling a tape measure from her pocket. “Not to worry- we have others!”

“Uh- uh-” He looked behind him for Hakkai, and saw that Hakkai and Sanzo had stopped a few meters away. Hakkai made a “scoot” gesture with his hands, indicating for him to stay. The clerk smiled sympathetically.

“Don't worry- we have options for women of all body types!” Gojyo nearly jumped out of his skin when the clerk closed in, a glint in her eye, and wrapped the measuring tape around his chest. “Boy, they're awfully small for how far in you are!”

“I don't even have those!” Gojyo tried to push her off, and she gasped, withdrawing, eyes wide and hands to her mouth in a pearl-clutching gesture. His stomach twisted. “Uh- What I mean is-”

“Oh, no, I understand! You're just so young to have had both of them removed!” Gojyo's mouth shut as she tucked her tape measure away.

_Good enough._

“Yeah, uh, long story. Pretty severe injury.” Without even noticing, he'd put his voice in a higher register- not a full falsetto, but he hid some of his gruffer tones. “I also really don't like girly stuff, and I need pants that fit right.”

“Sure thing, right away!” She took him by the wrist and tugged him towards the changing area at the back of the stall. His eyes caught on a mannequin, and he leaned to her ear.

“Also- I wanna try _that._ ”

Sanzo and Hakkai both sighed as Gojyo vanished- one with contentment, the other with relief. “I guess he's getting over himself! After all, we'll be gone by this time tomorrow, who'll remember one odd guy shopping at the maternity store?”

“Hrmph.” Sanzo tucked his arms into his sleeves.

“Ah, yes- as long as nobody knows he's with you, right?” Hakkai chuckled, but trailed off. Sanzo let the silence fester for a moment, then looked up at him.

"Oi." Sanzo paused, thinking for a moment, rephrasing his question in his mind, but he knew he had his attention. "It would be fair to say you love Gojyo. Correct?" He looked away. Hakkai chuckled into his cupped hand, and turned his attention back to the changing room.

"In a manner of speaking, yes.” He put his hands behind his back. “Of course. He's my closest friend, and I love him like I would a brother." Sanzo raised an eyebrow when he looked back to Hakkai, but Hakkai continued to smile. "Is there any reason you bring this up?" Sanzo forced himself to look Hakkai straight on.

"Did you father his child?" Sanzo asked, staring through him. Hakkai's smile twitched, unnerved at Sanzo's heartless gaze.

"I did not.” His smile faded, but his eyes were stern. “Unless I slept with him in an unremembered, uncontrolled state, I could not have." He turned away from Sanzo, escaping his icy eyes and silent glare. "And quite frankly, you would know if that child were mine.” He rested his hands on his hips and let his gaze drift across the street. “I would have told you and Goku if I had fathered the child. In fact, I probably wouldn't shut up about it.” He giggled. “I would be immensely proud, not to mention most excited to have a son or daughter I could call my own. But no.” He turned his lips down, and his hands dropped to his sides. “I don't think I could ever fall in love with someone like Gojyo." Hakkai's gaze became distant, and Sanzo averted his eyes. He felt a twinge of guilt in his gray heart, but Hakkai brought his smile back and turned to Sanzo again. "Why do you ask?"

"He told me he only slept with one man, Hakkai," Sanzo replied, unable to bring his eyes to meet Hakkai's again. "I wanted to know if it was you."

"I see. It was not." Hakkai folded his hands behind his back, and faced the stall again, watching as Gojyo reached around the stall to grab another tunic. "I find it odd that he would admit to being so… inexperienced. After all, you know how he brags of his prowess with the ladies!” Hakkai laughed softly, then continued in a lower voice: “That he would confess to you that number of male partners means that whether or not it is true, he's either ashamed or tired of the way he is seen. Perhaps both.” Hakkai shrugged. “Perhaps he does not wish to be seen as a philanderer anymore, to make a better impression on his child... or perhaps he just wanted to tell you. After all, he's not stupid. He knows you look down on him.” Hakkai got on his tiptoes, trying (with limited success) to see into the fitting stall as Gojyo tried a few other things on. “So he'd rather you think he was good. My, if I didn't know better-” Hakkai put his hand over his mouth as he set his heels flat again. “I'd think he's come to view you with respect, and wants the same in return." Sanzo's eyes darkened as he stared at the ground, still unable to look at Hakkai or respond. He knew it to be true. 

The truth could be terribly painful.

* * *

 

After finishing the shopping, eating some dinner, and checking the skies, the party was back on the open road that evening. While the party wasn't keen on traveling at night, Hakkai and Sanzo agreed that it would be best if they moved quickly westward to avoid their rivals.

“Somehow, I'm not certain Dokugakuji is finished with you,” Hakkai suggested to Gojyo as he helped him into the back seat. Gojyo grunted as he settled into the seat.

“Whatever. Hey, we got any spare pillows? My back is killin' me.”

“I'll see what I can do.” Hakkai giggled and passed Gojyo his seat belt. “But you don't mind trying to sleep in the car, do you?”

“I'll sleep anywhere s'long as I don't have to see those assholes ever again.” He glanced up at Hakkai. “Uh, when're you gonna sleep?”

“I'll sleep tomorrow, perhaps around breakfast.” He patted Gojyo's back, then popped the trunk open to load his and Gojyo's bags. Gojyo had purchased quite a few things- two pairs of pants in a baggy, comfortable cut and a waistband that could accommodate the Buddha himself, and a few oversized tunics bought two sizes too large just in case. Hakkai had promised to take in the seams on the tunics to decrease the bust space, and to launder the lot when they next stopped. Gojyo had thanked him, as he always had when Hakkai did him favor after favor, but all this on top of skipping a night of sleep started to sound like way too much to Gojyo. He twisted around, still clutching the belt buckle.

“Bro, you don't-”

“I do.” He smiled, and tossed a pillow over the seat to Gojyo. “I owe it to your brother to take care of you, including protecting you from him.” Gojyo stuffed the pillow under his lower back, then buckled his seat belt.

“You're too good to me- bought me clothes, carried my shit, all this shit you've done... I can drive for a while tomorrow if you'd like.”

“I don't think that will work.” Hakkai finished loading the bags, leaving a space for Goku's pack, and crossed around to the front of the Jeep. He couldn't quite look at Gojyo as he explained: “The wheel shaft doesn't adjust.” Gojyo's face fell, knowing exactly what he was implying.

_I can't fit behind the wheel. Can't fight, can't run, can't drive. So, I'm completely useless._

It was at about that moment that Sanzo and Goku came out onto the street, Goku with all the bags and Sanzo with a fresh pack of cigarettes in one hand and his lighter in the other. The smell of smoke was heavier around him than usual, an iron ring looped around his brow, but it gave Gojyo some peace when he got in the Jeep and enveloped the others in his fog. Goku vaulted the Jeep door and landed on the seat, perching on the bench and bouncing.

“So, are we gonna have a car sleepover? Is that what this is?” Goku grinned, but Sanzo rolled his eyes and clambered into his seat himself.

“This is, 'we keep moving so we don't get killed.' I don't care what you do back there.” Sanzo lit a fresh cigarette, and Goku settled in his seat.

“You're such a goddamn killjoy!”

“Yeah.” Gojyo chuckled, to his own surprise. “Killjoy.” Still, he adjusted the pillow under his back into the corner of the back seat bench and the console and leaned back into it, setting his knees at an angle but spreading them to stretch his thighs. With a deep breath, he took in the cigarette smoke that wafted into the air around them. Even as Hakkai started the Jeep and put it in gear, the smoke colored the atmosphere a warm, comfortable heather gray, and everything else might as well have been dust to him.

**(Suggested Track: "Notion," Kings of Leon)**

The Jeep got speed as they left the little town, and as the lights faded, all the stars became clearer. Gojyo watched them twinkle and blink down at him through the smoke from Sanzo's cigarette, until he noticed a new sensation.

“O-ow.” He grabbed onto his middle- he wasn't sure what he was feeling, but it wasn't good.

“Eh?” Goku had fallen asleep shortly after the car had started, head tilted back and drool dripping from his gaping lips, but Gojyo's soft complaint had roused him. “S'wrong?” He sat up, sucked in a string of drool, and leaned towards Gojyo. “S'it the baby? S'it time?”

“No. Way too soon, stupid.” He hissed- it wasn't pain, not exactly. Instead, it was a strange shuddering inside of him- the same jostling, sloshing feeling he'd felt when the Jeep had suddenly stopped the previous night. “It's moving, when the Jeep shakes. It's like a fuckin' Jello mold. It doesn't hurt, it's just really fucking weird.” He shifted his back against the pillow, wincing again. “Makes it hard to get comfy.”

Goku smiled, eyes still lidded and body swaying. “I gotcha. I can fix it.” With that, he slumped onto Gojyo's front and hugged his middle. “S'okay, little cousin. Big cousin will be your special seat belt when the Jeep gets shaky.”

“Hey! Get o-” Gojyo stopped, when he realized the extra support from Goku's embrace was helping. Goku was already asleep again, and Gojyo didn't feel the will to move him off. “Damn kid.” He let a smile cross his face, and leaned his head back. The stars still shone down through the haze of smoke from the front seat, and he could feel the baby shifting against the weight on top of him. “It's just your big cousin, kiddo,” he whispered down to it. The baby seemed to respond, and the shifting mass settled against his stomach. He chuckled- when it was still, it was almost soothing. The Jeep's sway against the road, the rumbling beneath them, the stars hanging above- _this is the life._

As the moon began to sink under the horizon, both Goku and Gojyo were fast asleep in the back seat. Goku remained slumped over Gojyo, and Gojyo had fallen out with his hands resting on his middle. He wore a small smile even in his sleep, even with Goku's whole torso stretched over him and pressing into him. Smoke still billowed from both the exhaust and from Sanzo's mouth and nose- neither Hakkai nor Sanzo had rested for even a minute. He had spent the first hour devouring every article of the paper, lit by the cherry on his cigarette, and had spent the four hours ensuing reading them again and again, and occasionally glancing around it to the rear view mirror at the two in the back seat. Hakkai drove onwards into the lightless sky, and Sanzo finally dropped the paper to watch them without distraction. Then, he tapped Hakkai on the shoulder.

"Hmm?" Hakkai didn't look away from the road, but Sanzo nodded towards the back seat.

"I want to switch with Goku." He glanced at the mirror again. “He'll be sore if he sleeps like that all night.”

"I see. You may." Hakkai downshifted and pulled the Jeep to a brake as delicately and softly as he could, and Sanzo got out. He lifted Goku from his seat, and placed him, still asleep, in the front seat, then belted him in. He slid in beside Gojyo. Gojyo grumbled, but didn't wake. Sanzo shut both doors, and Hakkai drove again. The rumbling of the engine lulled the passengers, but the raw motion made Gojyo start to chew his lip in his sleep. Sanzo watched his face, as his brow and cheeks pinched. His fingers, previously resting splayed across his stretched skin, now started to dig into it.

_Is that thing giving you trouble?_

Tears began to gather at the edges of Gojyo's eyes, unfettered by his conscious machismo, and his fingers plunged deep into the flesh. Sanzo stared at the rounded bulge of Gojyo's belly. _Is this the problem?_

He slowly reached one hand across the bench, brushing his fingers against Gojyo's knuckles, before laying his palm between Gojyo's hands.

_This..._

He could feel it- the sensation of life. This was the aura of a new life, sleepy but growing stronger by the second. It swam and turned in its dark cradle- _but the cradle does rock_. Sanzo shivered and closed his eyes, and put both palms on Gojyo's belly, and Gojyo stopped shaking. Sanzo dared open his eyes to look- the tears had ceased, his hands relaxed, his smile returned. The aura, however, was and had been as peaceful as Gojyo's expression. It was almost exactly as Goku had said- happiness flowing outward. It was pure sunlight against his cold hands. Sanzo shifted his fingers upwards, feeling the whole of Gojyo's middle. It was shifting and soft, yet rigid at the same time, the muscles taut under cushioned flesh. Sanzo rubbed it slowly, fingers tracing small circles, and it became ever more real. He was holding the world against his palms. There was new life sprouting under his hands.

His chest felt tight, his heart was pounding. _These hands... They have never held life._ He leaned close to Gojyo's face, trying to read his dreams and find answers for his unspoken questions, but none were apparent. He silently begged, hoping for something, some sign, some answer, but Gojyo opened his eyes. He scowled, and all Sanzo got was another question:

"What the hell are you doing?" Gojyo jerked back into the corner. Hakkai glanced around, but had to turn his attention back to the road. Sanzo kept a neutral expression.

"You were making weird noises. I was trying to shake your lazy ass awake so you could calm yourself down." Sanzo sat back down on his side of the bench and buckled his seat belt. Gojyo stared as Sanzo reached into his robe to extract and light another cigarette, and relaxed.

“Guess I ought'a thank you for that.” He didn't, but instead stared out his side of the Jeep at the breadth of dark, featureless desert that extended for as far as he could see- anything but looking at the man on the other side of the bench. Sanzo did the same, glaring in the opposite direction. However, he heard Gojyo whimper for a second, cringing and holding his middle, and his eyes darted over his shoulder for a second.

_No,_ he reminded himself, and looked out into the nothingness surrounding them again. Gojyo looked over his own shoulder, knowing he'd been heard, but looked away again, thinking the exact same as Sanzo.

They did everything in their powers not to look at one another, ignoring their hearts' pounding as much as they could.


	11. 7B: The Third Strikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things seem to only get worse, and not just for Gojyo...

**Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine.

* * *

  **7B: The Third Strikes**

“I'm as bored as hell.” Goku, Gojyo, and Hakkai all started, as Sanzo threw his finished newspaper out the side of the Jeep and folded his hands behind his head. It had been two days since Gojyo's rescue, and most of them had been spent traveling. Sanzo had gotten newspapers in the last village they'd stopped in, one from each of the major publishers and even from a local printer, but he must had devoured every last one right down to the crosswords. Now, he was channeling Goku, and Gojyo swore he could smell sulfur freezing somewhere deep beneath them. Goku leaned forward to be heard over the wind that rushed past their heads.

“Dude, are you feeling okay?” He offered an earnest smile. “I think 'Kai's got some headache and tummy medicine if you're not feeling good-”

“I feel fine. I'm bored.” Sanzo turned his gaze to Hakkai. “You have some books in the side consoles, correct?”

“Nothing good, I'm afraid, only what I've picked up on the road. Nothing you'd be interested in.” Gojyo's ears perked at this- he knew exactly what kind of books Hakkai had 'picked up.'

“I don't care. Goku, give me something.” Sanzo held his hand back, waving his fingers impatiently to beckon Goku on. Goku opened the console beside him and jerked back when he looked inside.

“Uh-” He looked between Sanzo and the books, and, cringing, selected one. Gojyo could only get a glimpse of the title as Goku hurriedly passed it up to the front seat, but he could assume it was one of the medical texts based on the size and the hard spine. He waited for Sanzo to berate Goku, but he didn't. Instead, he flipped the book open, propped his ankle on his knee, and set the heavy text on the crook of his leg to support it so he could read unimpeded.

Gojyo fidgeted uncomfortably with the seat belt around his cards, barely able to concentrate on solitaire as he watched Sanzo turn page after page. Goku, too, seemed fascinated, and leaned over to Gojyo: “It looks like he's actually interested in that stuff!”

“Guess it's better than being bored,” Gojyo replied, though by the brief, hard glare Sanzo gave him over his shoulder, louder than he'd intended. He deliberately lowered his voice, and added, “Well, he's got a big brain and all, maybe he just wants to know.”

“Sure.” Goku shrugged, then gasped and beckoned Gojyo closer. Gojyo leaned over, and Goku whispered, “Maybe he's tryin' to think of ways to help you!”

Gojyo laughed for a solid minute, slapping his knee and howling. Goku scowled and folded his arms, and both Hakkai and Sanzo looked over their shoulders at him, one curious, the other disabused. He managed to calm himself down, forcing his last chuckle into his fist.

“What was that about?” Hakkai asked over his shoulder.

“Uh- baby. Moving. Tickles.” Gojyo gesticulated lamely, but he knew he wasn't fooling Hakkai. Hakkai sighed, and pushed the subject no further. Sanzo scoffed, and continued reading.

The day after that was spent traveling again, and Sanzo again demanded one of Hakkai's books, insisting, “I don't care what it is.” He read without interruption, and asked for another upon finishing with the one he'd had. Sometimes, he would only flip a few pages, then turn his nose up at it and put it aside. Twice, Gojyo caught Sanzo flipping back through sections and rereading them intensely.

_He can't possibly be that interested in this shit._  Gojyo rolled his eyes and tried to ignore it, not even bothering to wonder why Sanzo was so suddenly interested. He dismissed it without a second thought:  _He must be really sick of reading the same newspapers over and over._ Even when they found a town to stop in overnight, Sanzo didn't seem to find a newspaper, and instead kept at the medical texts.

For the next three days, every hour spent in the Jeep was an hour Sanzo spent consuming Hakkai's pregnancy book collection. It only stopped when Hakkai ran out of books. “Perhaps you could pick up a pulp or something when next we stop,” Hakkai recommended as Sanzo shoved the last book under his seat. “A nice murder mystery, perhaps. Those crime dramas are all the rage of late. I could make recommendations-”

“I'll find something, I'm sure.” With that, Sanzo took a newspaper from the glove compartment and started at the top. Gojyo had a chilling realization when he caught a glimpse of the date-  _that's from two days ago. He had it, but read those stupid books instead._  He had no idea what it could possibly mean, but couldn't dwell on it. He had enough trouble on his mind.

* * *

 September had come on quickly, especially as the easiest path West was taking them somewhat North again. Gojyo didn't mind- even when the weather was cooling off, he was too hot. In fact, he had a lot of complaints. 

_'It's hot. My legs are cramped sitting in the Jeep all day. I have to pee. My legs are itchy. My stomach's itchy. There's a weird dark line on my stomach. What the fuck is that? Whatever it is, it's fucking itchy. My nails are too long. I have to pee again. My back is sore. I need another pillow. No, a better one. Ow. It's moving and it hurts. And holy shit how is there this much fluid in my body I took a piss FIVE fucking minutes ago!'_

He did not voice a single one of his complaints or worries, just enough to tap Hakkai on the shoulder and whisper when he needed- and only absolutely _needed_ \- something. Traveling was getting harder, though- it wasn't just that he had to empty his bladder more frequently than Sanzo had to reload his pistol. The shaking in his belly whenever the road got bumpy or the Jeep accelerated too fast had only worsened. Most of the time, he could brace himself on the side of the Jeep, but sometimes, he could only bite his fist and try to withhold a soft cry of pain that built up in his throat. And yet, he didn't want to complain, not wanting to draw attention to himself. He was starting to feel self-conscious about everything, perhaps just on account of how conspicuous he was.

As it turned out, Goku had not been lying about Sanzo not wanting Gojyo seen in populated areas in broad daylight. The next town they reached, they reached near sundown. Hakkai stopped outside of the city this time, and Sanzo and Goku got out.

“Do we want two rooms or four?” Sanzo asked, lifting a fresh Marlboro to his lips.

“Two. Three if you'd prefer to sleep alone.”

“I want four.” Gojyo raised his hand, but he was ignored as Sanzo and Goku trekked away. Goku cast his eyes over his shoulder at Gojyo, then jogged to catch up with Sanzo. Hakkai turned in his seat, a sigh escaping as he broke out his nail file.

“Would you like me to do your nails later? Yours are looking a bit long.”

“Why are we waiting here?” Gojyo ignored Hakkai's attempt to divert him with a scowl. Hakkai shifted again, a sigh escaping his lips as he turned around.

“We're trying not to attract attention.”

“Then why isn't Sanzo waiting here? He always attracts attention.”

“Because he gets room discounts.”

“Son of a bitch.” Gojyo put his feet up on the bench. The Jeep tilted as his weight shifted, and Hakuryu whined up at him. “So, I really am just a load now, aren't I? You guys have to fuck with your shit just to deal with mine.” He slung his arm over the bench and slouched against the pillow in his corner. “Go with them. Take Hakuryu. I'll wait here until you think the coast is clear.”

“I'd rather stay with you. You're sulking again.” Hakkai maintained his cheerful smile as he pulled out a travel Mancala board. “Shall we?”

Hakkai and Gojyo sat in the Jeep and played games until the sun went down completely, at which point Goku returned to show them where their inn was. Gojyo shuffled along in the street, as far from the lit homes as he could just to avoid the shame of appearing in the light. “Please don't look so upset,” Hakkai tried to console from the sidewalk. “We just don't want you to have to answer any uncomfortable questions.”

“You mean Sanzo doesn't want to have to answer any weird questions,” Gojyo retorted, eyes lowered. He couldn't stare at the ground- he couldn't see it- but he wished he could sink through the earth. This was just another long strike in the list of humiliations he'd been put through, and he was sick of complaining.

_They're probably sick and tired of me bitching by now, but it's worse than it's ever been._

Gojyo could just thank his lucky stars that Hakkai was either very observant, or a mind reader, and he always had a solution.

“I keep seeing you scratching.” Gojyo flinched as Hakkai leaned into the bathroom, where he was trying to brush his teeth with one hand and digging his fingernails into his side with the other. “Is your skin dry?”

“I- ggh- mmph-” Gojyo tried to deny it around a mouthful of toothpaste, but Hakkai filled in the blanks himself.

“Poor thing.” His smile took a sympathetic edge, and Gojyo snorted and turned away-  _he ain't even gonna give me a chance to lie._  “I noticed it in the car, too. As such, I got this.” He held up a small bottle of lotion. “It's got a nice fragrance. You should probably start drinking more water, you're probably getting dehydrated.”

“Mrph mm.” Gojyo swiped the bottle with one hand and returned to brushing his teeth, glowering at his reflection. Hakkai laughed.

“You're welcome.” He dodged back out, but continued. “I noticed your ankles are swollen again- perhaps you can put them up on the Jeep's center console? I promise I won't complain.”

“Yrhh, buh whuddaboud-”

“I'll deal with Sanzo if he should make a fuss. For now, I've got you an ice pack. You should elevate your feet on a pillow. In fact, I'll get you an extra one.” Hakkai started to hum to himself as he strolled out of the room, an odd little spring in his step. Gojyo spit his toothpaste and turned over his shoulder, and caught a grumble in his throat.

“I thought I was supposed to be the one with nesting urges.”

This was how it was for the next several days- they would travel during the day, moving from town to town and inn to inn. They were lucky that they met almost no trouble, but the one time they did for that week, Gojyo had only one recourse.

It had been six days since their reunion, and they were passing at the foothills of a mountain surrounded by blueberry brambles. Sanzo raised a hand to flag the others.

“They're coming up the hill. Ten of them. None very strong.”

“Bail out!” Hakkai pulled the Jeep to a stop and jumped out. Goku and Sanzo followed suit, and Hakkai turned to Gojyo. “Stay here, behind the bushes. Guard Hakuryu.” Hakuryu took this as his cue to change into his dragon form, dropping Gojyo roughly onto his backside.

“Ow! Goddamn fuckin-” Gojyo moved to start throttling Hakuryu, but as a grenade exploded down the hill, Hakuryu dove into his hair and curled up against his back. Sanzo, Goku, and Hakkai rushed down into the fray, and Gojyo held Hakuryu against him and got himself to his feet enough to stagger into the blueberry bushes. He winced as a few of the sharper leaves caught on his clothes and skin, but he brushed it off and curled up with his back to the bushes.

He could hear them in the tussle, he could hear Goku yelling and swinging his nyoibo, the sounds of gunfire, the clatter when they rolled back down the hill, he could hear the idiots rushing and roaring towards their deaths. He hugged Hakuryu tight, and Hakuryu buried his muzzle in Gojyo's shirt. “Yeah, I'm protectin' you. No worries.” Then, he heard a crunch behind him, and looked up to see a mad-eyed man with a machete lifted over his head. “Awfuck-” Gojyo moved to summon his shakujou, but Hakuryu lifted his head and belched searing flames at the youkai's face. He staggered back, and Hakkai roped him back towards the fray with a wave of ki. Gojyo glared at Hakuryu. “You don't need me to defend you at all.”

“Kyuu?” Hakuryu cocked his head, and Gojyo groaned.

“Never mind.” He folded his arms and started picking blueberries off the bush as Hakkai and Sanzo began to clean up the bodies.

With that, Gojyo had to muse over just how pointless he'd become to the party- Hakkai was trying to make him feel better about it.  _Proof positive I can't actually do shit._ He popped a few blueberries into his mouth, but wrinkled his nose and spit them out. “Ugh. Too sweet.” He started to toss blueberries to Hakuryu instead, who caught them from the air and gobbled them down with excited chirrups at each turn, more reminiscent of a ferret than his proud dragon heritage. He sighed- at least the dragon was happy. He was starting to forget how that felt.  _This isn't gonna get any better, is it? It all just gets worse and worse and worse._

It was then that he started to think about the endgame- and what was going to become of him and the kid.

* * *

 “His hormones are on a horrible downswing,” Hakkai confided to Sanzo in a low voice, and drained the whiskey in his glass. It was late in the evening, and the party had only reached town half an hour ago. Goku and Gojyo sat on one side of the tavern playing Go Fish while the other two sat at the bar, far enough away to keep their conversation from their ears. “He's been like this for too long- I'm really worried.” 

“Hrm.” Sanzo took another sip of his beer.

“I'm sorry, I know you don't care so much.” Hakkai raised his hand for another drink, and the bartender refilled his glass over the still-cold ice. “Thank you.” He took a gulp of the liquor, and exhaled sharply. “But I have nobody else to confide in at this point. I'd talk to him, but I don't want to make him any more nervous.”

“I'll hear you out.” Hakkai raised his head, surprised at this. Sanzo nonchalantly lit another cigarette.

“W-well. He's just been depressed. When we first got him back, he was all smiles and sunshine. But it seemed like the very next day, he started to hang his head lower. He's just gotten worse and worse from there.” Hakkai sighed and pushed his monocle up over his eye. “I think it's just the hormones- I've had to compensate for them more than ever. I'm coming close to the point where if I push it any further, I'm afraid of doing permanent damage to him.”

“This is the first I'm hearing of this.” Sanzo turned in his chair to face Hakkai full on, but Hakkai turned his gaze down to the wood of the bar.

“I only realized it recently.” Hakkai interlaced his fingers and twitched his fingernails into the webbing of his fingers, hiding an anxious fidget. “When he was out of our hands, the chi manipulation I had done had worn off- the effects can sustain themselves for a little while, but not that long. In redoing it, and in a hurry, I noticed just how much it was. I had built up everything before over four months, so it was harder to see the difference, but it really is significant.”

“I had assumed it was just pain relief, and to keep his nausea down.”

Hakkai nodded, but looked away again. “It is, but it's more than that. Due to him suddenly acquiring feminine characteristics, his hormones have seen a massive spike in estrogen. It's theorized that estrogen is the cause of morning sickness as it is, which may be why his was so bad, but the further he gets, the worse its gotten. I've been trying to wick away some of it, negate its effects, or suppress it with boosted testosterone. Just to try and keep him normal and steady. It's not easy or precise- his testosterone was fairly high to begin with, but his exact needs are hard to measure.” Hakkai drained his glass, and raised a finger to get the bartender's attention again. He continued, still not looking Sanzo straight on. “Estrogen is naturally produced in the male body, but it's on overload in him right now. I've been compensating heavily for that, but I fear if I continue, then his body will cease to produce it naturally when this is all over.”

Sanzo leaned closer to Hakkai as the bartender refilled Hakkai's glass. “And what would be the harm in letting him take the brunt of some of it?”

“He might start to develop more feminine characteristics.” Hakkai glanced over his shoulder. “More so than now. Thinner body hair, loss in muscle tone, fatigue, depression, low energy levels-”

“He's got all that now.”

“Enlarged breasts, and at this juncture, possibly even lactation.”

“Compensate harder. He can take it.” Sanzo drained his beer. He shuddered internally at the thought of Gojyo getting breasts- “If he got a set of tits, we'd never get him out of bed.”

“He would be pretty dejected.”

“No, he'd never stop playing with them.” Sanzo opened another can, and Hakkai leveled an even stare at him.

“That's not nice.”

“No.” Sanzo took a sip, and flatly added, “But in any other situation, it would be hilarious.”

Hakkai thought for a moment, swirling the liquor in his glass. Finally, he laughed softly. “I suppose you're right. I'll figure it out. Thanks for listening.”

“Anytime.” Sanzo turned around again when he saw Goku approaching.

“Hey, uh, Gojyo says he's tired.” Goku thumbed over his shoulder. “Can he have the key?”

“It's getting late as it is.” Hakkai emptied his glass again and dug in his pocket, and Sanzo emptied his beer with one long guzzle. “We should all go get some rest.”

Despite Hakkai's suggestion, it seemed the only ones who were interested in sleeping at all were Gojyo and Sanzo. The rooms were just across the hall from one another, but even once they parted ways and Goku said goodnight to Gojyo and “little cousin,” Goku kept going back and forth.

“'Kai, I'm not sleepy and I'm bored,” he moaned when Hakkai opened the door to him after he'd first bounded in to ask for a face towel, then for dental floss, then to ask for a deck of cards, and now because he'd run out of other excuses. “Sanzo's just reading the paper and he keeps hitting me with the fan. Can I hang out in here?”

“No, not really.” Hakkai glanced over his shoulder- Gojyo was already in bed, on top of the sheets and curled on his side, facing away from the hall light. “Gojyo's already as-”

“No, I ain't.” Gojyo tilted his head up. “I don't care what the monkey does.”

“Awesome!” Goku bounded in, but Hakkai sat on the edge of Gojyo's bed.

“Is something wrong?” He touched Gojyo's shoulder, and Gojyo shrank back and pulled his knees in. Goku vaulted the bed and landed on the mattress at Gojyo's feet.

“Aw, your legs look puffy.” He poked Gojyo's ankle. Gojyo scowled, and sat up.

“You guys are bein' pains. I just can't get comfy. Leave me alone, I'll work on it.” He folded his arms and tried to glare, but Hakkai didn't seem the least bit intimidated.

“I know what'll help.” He took the spare pillow from the floor where Gojyo had thrown it and put it down by Gojyo's feet. “I told you- you need to elevate your legs as much as possible.”

“I don't need help.” Gojyo grabbed the pillow and lifted it to swing it at Hakkai, but Goku caught it.

“Try it first.” He swiped the pillow and shoved it under Gojyo's feet. Gojyo lunged for Goku, but Goku dodged back and jumped off the bed. He grinned. “Guess I'll let you sleep. Night!” Gojyo fell back, defeated as Goku pranced out. Hakkai laughed again.

“Does it feel better on your feet?”

“Yeah, a little.” Gojyo flipped back onto his side, and Hakkai patted his shoulder.

“Good. If you need anything else- pillow for your back, your shoulder, anything- just tell me.”

“Kay.” Gojyo pressed his nose to the pillow under his head, but couldn't keep the thought from the forefront of his mind:  _'I don't need your help.'_  He didn't yet realize the mistake he'd made.

* * *

 Relenting that one time made Gojyo a pillow addict. The next night, the next inn, Gojyo took one pillow out of the Jeep for his feet, and the spare in the inn to set under his back. It felt good until he woke up two hours later to a full bladder and his swollen knees throbbing. He took Hakkai's spare pillow from the closet and set it under his knees, and went right back to sleep. 

The next night, Gojyo asked first: “I know this sounds weird, dude, but can I have your spare pillow?” He folded his hands over his middle, looking down towards the floor. Hakkai smiled- if he didn't know better, he would have thought it a ploy for pity, but he wouldn't have minded either way.

“Certainly. I wasn't using it.” He took the spare from his bed and gave it to Gojyo. “Would you like me to get some from the Jeep too?”

“No, it's okay.” Gojyo tossed the pillow to his bed, and looked it up and down- he hadn't realized it, but he was already planning exactly where to put each one. “I'm feelin' kinda really tired. Do you care if I hit the hay early?”

“Not at all.” Hakkai checked the clock. “It's only nine, though.”

“Yeah, I know.” Gojyo folded his arms and looked away. “But I gotta get up three times a night anyway. And... I'm really tired.”

“I understand. Just let us know if you need anything.” Hakkai wrapped an arm around Gojyo's shoulder in a light hug, which Gojyo tried to shrink out of, too embarrassed to say anything, but in no mood for his affection.

Hakkai left to play cards or Shogi with Goku, and Gojyo curled up with his pillows, and fell asleep quickly. It was a short sleep, though- he'd been exhausted to the point where he'd conked out without hitting the lamp, but when he woke, the lamp was still lit. Hakkai hadn't returned. Gojyo groaned and stumbled to his feet to stagger to the restroom. He checked the clock when he finished.

“I can't sleep for a fucking hour without having to piss?!” He lay back down, and felt weariness drag back at his eyelids. However, he felt an uncomfortable twinge under his breast.  _Guess I need another pillow._  He rolled onto his back, and felt a few more pressure points.  _Or... six._ He rolled back to his feet and caught his balance with his hand on the small of his back. “Guess we'll see what we can do.” 

Goku and Sanzo's bedroom was around the corner, and Gojyo caught Goku wandering in the hall in his pajamas just outside the door. He perked up when he saw Gojyo. “Hey, what're you doing out of bed? Hakkai said you were sleepy.”

“I woke up. What're you doing out here?”

“Sanzo said I was making too much noise, so I have to wait out here til he fell asleep.” Goku folded his arms and stuck his lower lip out.

“What a dick.”

“Yeah. I was gonna check on him in a minute.” Goku scratched the back of his head. “Uh, why were you out here?”

Gojyo looked at the door behind him, then leaned close to Goku and near-whispered, “I, uh, was lookin' for more pillows.”

“Why?” Goku cocked his head, and Gojyo groaned and threw his hands up.

“Well, duh.” Goku didn't seem to get it, and Gojyo rolled his eyes. “Look, I'm building a goddamn pillow fort, okay? I just need all the pillows I can get.” 

“Ooh! Pillow fort!” Goku bounced on the balls of his feet, clapping his hands together. “Hey, if I can help, can I come in it with you?”

“Maybe. Depends on how big it is.” Gojyo rubbed his forehead, knowing it was pointless to argue. “Can I have your spare or somethin'?”

“Yeah, sure, hang on!” Goku opened the door. Gojyo could see Sanzo inside, sitting up in bed with irritation plain on his face. Gojyo turned himself away, trying to ignore Sanzo's burning gaze on the side of his head. Goku grabbed the extra pillow from his bed and tossed it out the door to Gojyo. “There ya go, man!”

“Thanks. I'll, uh, go now.” Gojyo clutched the pillow to his chest and scuttled away. Goku scratched his head, then looked back at Sanzo.

“Was it something I said?” He bit his lip. “Or... are you griefin' on him again?”

“Shut up.” Sanzo reached for the cigarettes on the side table. Goku put a finger in his mouth and chewed it nervously.

“It's not raining. Why can't you sleep?”

“Just shut up.” Sanzo lit his cigarette and stared out the window. Goku snorted under his breath.

“No wonder Gojyo wanted to sleep in the hall when we had to share rooms with you. You're so mean sometimes.” Goku stomped towards the door, but Sanzo slid off the bed to his feet.

“If you want to go to bed so badly, then do it. I can go elsewhere.” He pushed past Goku into the hall, pillow under his arm. Goku stuck his tongue out at Sanzo as he passed, and Sanzo slammed the door shut behind him and stalked off.

Gojyo, meanwhile, had gone in search of the linen closet in hopes of finding another spare pillow or five. He had made his way down the stairs, and was trying to think of some way to sneak up to the front desk without being seen through the tavern doors. He could just see Hakkai still sitting at the bar, nursing a bottle of sake and reading a paperback. He pressed his back to the wall, but stealth was impossible at his size. He did, however, see a side door. “Well, maybe if Jeep is spending the night outside-”

“And where are you going?” Sanzo asked from the middle landing. He still had the pillow clutched under his arm. Gojyo braced himself and turned to face him.

“Nowhere.” He grabbed the banister and started to trundle back up the steps, tucking his other hand on top of his midsection. Sanzo turned his eyes to watch him pass.

“You really want to toy with me?” Gojyo flinched at these words, but bit his tongue tight. “Don't ignore me. There will be no pillow fights on my watch.” Gojyo pivoted on his heel.

“Pillow fight? The hell're you-” Sanzo hocked the pillow at his face. Gojyo caught it after the impact. “Asshole, what the hell?!”

“I have won this pillow fight.” Sanzo drew his shoulders back and held his head high. “No rematches.” With that, he bumped past Gojyo's shoulder and strode back down the hallway. Gojyo looked between Sanzo and the pillow in disbelief.

“Hey, free pillow.” He tucked the pillow under his arm. He jogged back down the stairs and looked into the tavern again. Hakkai was finishing his bottle, but still flipping through his book.  _Ain't worth bugging him. I'm too tired to hunt for more pillows anyway._  He returned to the room, his feet dragging and his eyelids sagging. He tossed the two pillows he'd gotten onto the bed, shifted them to the worst pressure points, and set himself down. He turned himself over a few times, until he found a spot that actually felt good. With one hand under his head and the other on his middle, and let sleep take him.

Hakkai passed Sanzo in the hall, where he'd waited for Goku to drift off and begun smoking through his pack. “Ah, you're still awake?” Sanzo stared at him over the glowing tip of his cigarette. “Silly question, yes? You're upright, after all.”

“Gojyo was up and around, talking to Goku. You might want to check on him.” Sanzo sucked the smoke in deeply, and let it billow out through his nose. Hakkai chuckled.

“Nice of you to keep an ear open for him. You should get some sleep.” Sanzo grunted, and Hakkai shrugged and walked towards his room. “Good night.”

“Good night.” He leaned on the wall, sucking on his Marlboro again until Hakkai was gone. Then, he followed to Hakkai and Gojyo's room and hung near the door, propping his body on the wall. He heard the gentle bustle of Hakkai going about his nighttime routine and the creak of his body landing on the mattress. He listened to the noises of their breathing through the door. Satisfied, he wandered back to his own room.

Somehow, the sensation of fingers digging into his brain had vanished when he was certain Gojyo was asleep, even if he had to steal pillows to do it. It did not, however, help with the strange twinging in his chest that had been keeping him awake.

* * *

Sleeping in an inn, especially a different one every night, was not an easy thing for Gojyo. Every single mattress was different, so he'd sometimes have to toss and turn to find the exact most comfortable position. The only saving grace was that he was usually so exhausted that by the time he reached the bed, sleep was hounding his heels. He wasn't even sure why he was so tired- most of the day was spent in the Jeep: lifting his hand weights, playing cards or arguing with Goku. The only exercise they really got during the day was at rest stops, though Hakkai had started a new ritual with him: 

“You do realize you're only ten weeks away from giving birth, at most, right?” Hakkai asked as he led Gojyo a few meters away from the Jeep, away from the road and onto a grassy patch between some trees. He had one of the books tucked under his arm. Gojyo scoffed and rolled his eyes, and dropped his arms to his sides.

“Didn't Yaone say I'd be lucky if I made it another...” Gojyo paused and numbered the days on his fingers. “Three?”

“She did. Which is why it's all the more important you start doing this now.” Hakkai flipped the book open and started rifling through in search of the desired page. Gojyo recognized some of the exercise diagrams, and caught a glimpse of one of the sub-heads.

“Birthing preparation ex- what the fuck're you tryin' to do to me, man?!”

“Strengthen your core muscles.” Hakkai set the book on the ground, and set his hands on his hips, spreading his feet and wearing a big smile like a horribly dysfunctional drill sergeant. “You've been doing a lot of resting, mostly because I've told you to. But the further you go, the more strain is put on your muscles. You've been working out your arms, but your midsection has been neglected. Starting today, I'm going to give you a set of exercises to do in the morning, during the day, and before bed that should help build your abdominal muscles back up.”

“What? You want me to get a six pack?” Gojyo tested the muscle in his midsection- it still felt very tight, or it could have been his its tautly-bound contents. “I don't think I'm gonna be able to do crunches and shit-”

“No, of course not! I'm thinking more along the lines of squats, twists, stretches, and basic aerobics. If we find safe water, I want you to go swimming.”

“Dude, it's almost September. Gonna be cold as hell.”

Hakkai ignored him and added, “Plus, exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor.”

“Pelvic what now?” Gojyo tightened his jaw, and Hakkai giggled.

“Well, if you really must know...”

Sanzo and Goku looked up from their card game when Gojyo squawked, “WHAT?!”

“What're they doing over there?” Goku wondered aloud, turning to see Hakkai whispering something to Gojyo. Jaw slack, eyes wide, brow wrought, Gojyo was clearly mortified. Sanzo seemed uninterested.

“Exercising, like Hakkai said.”

“Ooh! I wanna help!” Goku tossed his cards onto the car seat and bounced over to join the other two. Sanzo heaved a sigh, then lit a fresh cigarette. He stood, smoking and pacing as Hakkai demonstrated the exercises for an excited Goku and a reticent Gojyo. He caught some of it out of the corner of his eyes- twist at the waist left, then right, stretch to the sides, a few sets of squats, leg lifts, toe touches (or a desperate, flailing attempt on Gojyo's part) and a few yoga poses.

“You feel it right here, yes?” Hakkai tapped Gojyo's side as he held what would otherwise be an awkward position.

“I feel it everywhere. I'm tired already.” Gojyo dropped his arms to his sides and brought his legs to a more relaxed stance.

“Then let's do some breathing exercises to cool down!” Hakkai smiled cheerily and stood in front of Goku and Gojyo again. “Follow my lead.”

Sanzo watched them all rest their hands in front of their stomachs, deeply inhaling, holding it, then exhaling very slowly. If he didn't know better, he would have expected them to start chanting hellish verses. However, after a minute or two, Hakkai clapped his hands together. “See, that was fun!”

“I need water.” Gojyo shuffled to the Jeep's cooler, avoiding eye contact with the rest of the party.

“That was easy-peasy stuff! But it's good for Mommies, right?” Goku smiled slyly as Gojyo as he passed him. Gojyo ignored him, digging out the canteen and taking a long guzzle from it.

“Just don't forget the other things I told you about,” Hakkai added as he took the canteen and took a quick sip himself. “You know. Pelvic floor.” Gojyo shuddered.

“This whole baby thing is fuckin' weird, man.” He hoisted himself back into his seat. “Why the fuck do chicks even put up with this shit?”

“'Cos babies are awesome. Duh!” Goku nudged Gojyo's middle, and Gojyo swatted him back.

“Are not.” He folded his arms again, shutting down and shutting up. It was all getting to be too much for him, and this would not even be the worst he saw that day.

They drove until long after the sun set, when Hakkai stopped to prepare dinner for the party. Sanzo and Goku ate, and Gojyo picked and shuffled his food around his plate, while Hakkai checked their map with his compass and ruler. “Hmm.” He checked another route, but Sanzo glanced up.

“Let me guess. We're not reaching civilization tonight.”

“Not unless we start now and drive at double speed until four in the morning, no.” Hakkai folded the map and put it away. “I suppose we can make camp here tonight.”

“Aww, come on!” Goku moaned and threw his hands up, rattling his plate in the process. He caught it, then looked back to Hakkai. “It's starting to get cold at night, and sleeping on the ground sucks! Let's speed like hell!”

“I'm okay sleepin' outside.” Hakkai turned when Gojyo said this. Gojyo nodded his head from side to side, working the kinks in his neck, and set his plate beside Goku. “The sleeping bag's better than it looks.”

“Ah. And you, Sanzo?”

“Whatever.” Sanzo put his near-empty plate aside. Goku took notice of the nearly-full plate at his elbow and started scarfing it down before Hakkai or Sanzo could stop him. Gojyo sat back and sighed with what would have usually sound like contentment, but it rang hollow.

Hakkai offered Gojyo his sleeping bag again, but Gojyo refused- “It's gonna get way too warm if I get in the middle of that, but I can't sleep on top of it, either. It's cold, but it ain't that cold.”

“If you're sure.” Hakkai held his bag to his chest, clearly taken aback, but still smiling. “But if you change your mind, just let me know, alright? I won't mind if you wake me up.”

“Yeah, you will. You just won't say anything.” Gojyo folded his arms and settled himself down on his sleeping bag. Hakkai was distinctly hurt by this, his smile shifting, his hands digging into his bag and pressing into the padding.

“That's not true. I don't-”

“I'm exhausted, bro. Tomorrow.” Gojyo yanked his pillow from the head of the bag to the middle and set it under his feet. “We can talk in the morning.”

“Sure. Good night.” Hakkai moved aside to lay out his bag, still glancing back as Gojyo put his hands under his head, flat on his back and staring between the gaps in the leaves towards the gathering clouds above.

Gojyo wasn't an idiot- if sleeping in an inn was a difficult proposition, sleeping outside on the ground was going to be nothing short of impossible.  _It might've been okay two weeks ago, but it ain't happening._ Already, he could feel the pressure at the base of his spine, on the arch of his back, his shoulders, his knees-  _everything._  He moved his hands from under his head and crossed his wrists over his eyes. He knew he wouldn't rest, the best he could do was put his feet up and hope he hadn't pulled anything in the morning.

_It ain't fair. Why do I have to be this goddamn miserable? What the hell have I done wrong?_  He rubbed his fingertips against his forehead and dug them into his hair.  _I don't even know why I'm miserable. Usually, this shit just rolls off me. Just more water down my back. Why is it all hitting me this hard right now?_

The wind blew over them as the minutes slowly passed, dragging in a way that they might as well have left grooves in the dust. Gojyo couldn't tell how long he had laid there before the stinging aches turned into numbness. Even though he couldn't feel most of his body anymore but for the slight tingle that reminded him it still existed, the one part of him that didn't actively hurt still disturbed him. His midsection seemed larger than ever; the weight didn't settle into his body even when he was flat on his back, instead hanging over him in an almost ominous shadow. He couldn't stand to look at it, not when its contents continued to thrash and shift. Even with his eyes covered, he could see it in the gap between his palms and his cheekbones- especially when it moved enough that it shifted his outer form.

“Quit that,” he whispered. He shifted his hands from his eyes to look around. The others had settled into their sleeping bags around the dying fire, but in the shadows he couldn't quite tell whether or not they were sleeping. Still, he braced himself, crossing his forearms over his eyes, and took a soft breath. He could only think of one option, but he also could only think of one soft or soothing song.

Most of the mix-tapes Hakkai played were upbeat, to keep spirits high, but he had included a few mellow tunes. Goku usually skipped over them in favor of more cheerful songs, but when he was conked out, he couldn't kick the back of Sanzo's seat until Hakkai would hit the fast-forward and Sanzo would stop beating Goku around the headrest, so they'd just listen to it straight through. Gojyo only really cared for one, but the song was so fuzzy in quality he could barely catch the words. As such, he had to guess his best and make up his own.

“ _No, I don't wanna know ya..._ ” He exhaled softly as the words left his lips. _“But I think that I love ya...”_ He could hear the strains of the guitar in his head, and hummed them out.  _“Like crimson an'-”_

“Those aren't the words.” Gojyo swore under his breath when Sanzo's voice interrupted him from his pack. He shifted his arms from his face to see that Sanzo had sat up, and was already lighting a cigarette. The dim glow lit his face, but Gojyo still couldn't read his expression.

“What, you know the words?” Gojyo slowly sat up, begrudging every second as sensation started to return to all of his pressure points. “You've heard the stupid song same amount as I have, how would you know?”

Sanzo sucked in the smoke and breathed it out before answering. “For one, I pay attention. For two, the speakers are better in the front.” He slid out of his pack and onto one of the camp seats left beside the dying fire. “That's not a 'sleep' song. That's a lust song- not even a love song.”

“Oh.” Gojyo hung his head. “Guess I won't sing it, then.”

“You can do whatever you want.” Sanzo dragged again, filling his lungs with the smoke and expelling it back out through his nose and mouth. “If it makes you happy, don't stop yourself.”

“It ain't for me. It's for-” He halted, then swallowed the rest of his sentence.

“Is something wrong?” Sanzo finished his cigarette and stomped it out under his foot, and looked Gojyo straight on. Gojyo looked away.

“It's nothing.”

“It's that thing.”

“It's nothing.” Gojyo ground his teeth together. Sanzo harrumphed, and took out another cigarette.

“Sitting on the ground can't be good for your back. At least sit in a chair. Hakkai insisted on buying you that stupid chair, you might as well use it.” He smoked deeper as Gojyo continued to avoid his eyes, tracing shapes on the lining of the sleeping bag.

“I... I can't get up.” He groaned internally when he realized he'd said that out loud-  _he doesn't wanna hear me whine._  He wondered for a split second why he gave a damn, but snapped out of it when he smelled Sanzo's cigarette and saw him on one knee before him, holding a hand out. Gojyo didn't know what to do with it, but Sanzo scoffed and wrinkled his brow, irritation setting in his wrinkles.

“It's a hand. It won't bite.”

Gojyo accepted Sanzo's hand, and Sanzo helped pull him up to his feet. The instant Gojyo got his feet under him, he stepped back from Sanzo and dusted himself off. Sanzo returned to his camp seat to finish his Marlboro, and Gojyo raised his hands above his head to stretch. He realized he still couldn't feel his legs, and when he started to walk it off, his thighs and knees stung with pain. He carried himself to his chair- he knew it was his because Hakkai had gotten him one with a solid back, and it was set furthest from Sanzo's- and settled himself again, shifting his lower back to try and shake out the pain.

“You seem troubled.” Sanzo opened his box and grimaced- empty. He began to search his pockets for a fresh pack, but to no avail. He looked back over at Gojyo, who still wouldn't meet his gaze.

“Just kinda sucks.” He rubbed his chin in his hand. “How 'bout you? Why can't you sleep?”

“Hrm.” Sanzo turned out his sleeves, clearly disappointed with his lack of foresight. “My stomach aches.”

“Oh.” Gojyo glanced up- this was surprisingly mundane for him. “No crazy youkai auras, no weird sensations, nothing on your mind?”

“No.” Sanzo folded his arms, feet flat against the ground. Gojyo scoffed quietly, a small laugh escaping.

“S'funny. You're usually the one who has trouble sleeping.” Gojyo pressed his hand under his lower back, turning his face down and away as he thought. “Guess you usually have too much on your mind.”

“And now you do?”

“I...” Gojyo took a breath and sighed it out. “I just can't.”

“It's probably stress.” Sanzo held a hand up in a halfhearted shrug. “You're in your third trimester, it's all nerves over being so close to parenthood. You're better than that. Shake it off.”

“I-” Gojyo ran his hand back through his hair, and looked up towards the sky again. He felt a chill run through him when he realized what he was about to do.

_I said I'd never take anything from him again. If I thank him, that means I'll owe him. I can't owe him anymore, I can't ask him for anything. That's the deal now. I'm still a man of my word, damn it. I've hurt him enough._

Gojyo took his lighter out of his pocket. “I don't think I can.” He clicked the flint, and stared into the flame. “This kid ain't goin' away, so nothing's gonna get better. Ever.”

The lighter's flame flickered and sputtered in the wind, and Gojyo watched it go out.  _I think I get it now. I'm miserable because of him. Not because of what he's done to me, but because I know he's miserable dealing with me. I don't know why that hurts so much, but I can't stand it._ He released the flint, and the flame vanished.  _No, it ain't just that. He's right. This kid is coming, and I should be excited, but I can't be. I... I just can't._

“You were going to sing it to sleep, weren't you?” Gojyo hit the flint again as Sanzo leaned forward in his chair. “I don't care if-”

“I don't sing lullabies. You're not going to hear it out of me.” Gojyo closed the lighter, then flipped it back open and lit it again. Sanzo clicked his tongue, and lowered his eyes.

“Fine, be stubborn.” Sanzo uncrossed and recrossed his legs. The fire between them was slowly dying down, but neither of them made a move to revive it. Gojyo kept lighting and extinguishing his lighter, watching the flame in the wind, and Sanzo tilted his head back and licked the last of his last cigarette off his lips. “I read that you might sleep easier sitting up.”

“You actually rem-” Gojyo's eyes turned from the lighter for a second, astonished that Sanzo had bothered to commit any of those stupid pregnancy books to memory, but he turned his eyes back to it and shook the thought off. “I don't want to sleep.”

“Then what do you want?”

“Nothing.” Gojyo tried to ignite his lighter again, but nothing sparked. Sanzo dragged a hand over his face, condensation forming in the cooling night air like the smoke his lungs now lacked. 

_That's three times I've tried, and I've gotten nowhere._

Neither could sleep, and the light was slowly vanishing. However, neither made a move to talk further, nor tried to suss out what the other hid in his shadows.

_And we sat in the dimming light, silent and motionless, until morning._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are curious about what Hakkai was referencing when he was talking to Gojyo about the "pelvic floor," use your preferred search engine to look up "Kegel exercises," exercises designed to work the pelvic floor. You should find a description of why one would have to do them. Have fun, everyone! Next chapter in two weeks.


	12. 8A: Only When You're Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanzo has opinions too. It's time he got to share them.

**Disclaimer:**  The characters of Saiyuki are not mine.

* * *

**Chapter 8A: Only When You're Asleep**

We sat in the dimming light, silent and motionless, until morning. I watched the shadows pass across your face and catch in the hollows under your eyes and cheekbones as you fidgeted with your lighter on and off. I'd offer you mine, but I don't think you'd take it. Instead, I let the silence sit, draw my legs in and set my hands in the lotus position, meditating on it and wondering where your spirited smile has gone. I'm starting to wonder if I killed it once and for all two months ago. It's been scarce for the past six, but I don't think I've seen it at all since before you were taken from me- rather, from us.

I'm not stupid, of course I know why. It's that goddamn fucking contract. You agreed to it, and you own it fully and completely. I still feel its weight in my sleeve, heavier than my gun. It was such a simple exchange- I agreed to let you use my body to make you happy- No, to make you behave. To make you quiet. And it worked, didn't it? You were well-behaved, in my opinion. You were quiet and still and didn't cause any trouble for a few weeks.

 _And miserable_ , a nagging voice in my mind reminds me.  _Don't forget miserable._

Yes, except in the midst of the act, you were unhappy. You didn't smile. Then, you changed the rules, or you read them in a different way- you were still using my body, you were still behaving, but you made me take an active role. That's where the trouble started. That was where I had ten days of saturnalia and wore him out like a rag doll, just because he asked for it.

And he was still miserable.

I don't think he knew just know much I knew. I don't think he knows I figured him out. I knew he was drinking so he wouldn't have to feel the pain I caused.

_And why didn't you do anything to stop him?_

'I did, didn't I?!' It takes all of my willpower not to say it out loud, and I release my hands from the lotus position to bring myself out of my meditation and shake them out.

That has been my second-greatest annoyance over the past two weeks. It's not something I wish to mention to Hakkai, but while most of my hallucinations have gone away, I have continued to hear a second voice. It's only when I'm alone or meditating, it's one I distinctly recognize, and it's not a shadow of my past, so I'm sure I'm not going crazy. I'm pretty sure it's being done deliberately by someone else, someone who is well-overdue an unbelievable ass-whooping. However, that's beyond my control. It seems very little is lately.

Here we are again. You're quiet and still, and trying your damnedest not to cause trouble for anyone. You're still "behaving," because that's what's in our contract, but you ask for nothing in return. You declared you wouldn't two months ago, and so you haven't. I'm not holding up my end of the bargain, but then again, I haven't done so for months, and it's patently unfair. So, in an attempt to make up for lost time, I've resorting to fucking  _offering_  it. Not in the same way, no, but if you need to use somebody, you have the right to use me. Isn't that what's written?

I tried, but it seems I've hit my three strikes. You've directly denied me- it's useless to try further. So I won't. Instead, I lower my head and eyelids and try to look like I've fallen asleep or gone into a daze, and watch the sun come up and paint curved shadows onto your rounded figure. You won't sleep, no- you won't, or you don't, or you can't, or you shan't, I'm not sure which. I wish you would, because when you're asleep, you at least seem to be at peace. You, still flicking your dead lighter for some hint of a spark, blue circles under your eyes and shadows still filling in the space below your brow. I can hear you trying to artificially mute even the sound of your breathing, though I'm not even sure it's conscious on your part. No light. No sound. Nothing.

I suppose, for all my trouble and all the trouble I've apparently caused, that's what I deserve. Lucky, lucky, lucky me.

* * *

Certainly I've more to worry about than  _that_ , so I thought as I try to ignore Gojyo's morning exercise routine. Goku is leading him, and though I'm not sure he's doing it quite right, exercise is exercise. I instead approach Hakkai, who has busied himself, seated on a log for both chair and desk with map and compass, measuring distance and plotting course. The time has come to address my greatest annoyance of late.

"You look exhausted." He doesn't look up, but then, I don't put much stock in eye contact with him. Most of the time, he doesn't need to look to see when something is wrong. However, he's not psychic, for which I am grateful. "What's the matter?"

"I've been having stomach aches lately."

"Sympathy pains?" He puts his pen down; a vapid, airy laugh follows his non-joke. "I kid, of course, but for how long?"

"Two, maybe three weeks." The flat of my palm rests over my chest. It's that exact spot, right at the base of my chest and the top of my abdomen, and always there. The sensation is difficult to describe, nor can I put it into words, but the best term I can think of is the feeling that something is being twisted. "I'm not sure what it is. It's not heartburn, but it's in the right spot."

"Hmm." He turns his legs towards me, but I retract, arms crossed and legs stiff, as he looks me up and down. If I didn't know him the way I did, this would seem a friendly examination, but more and more I've noticed a subtle, intimidating sharpness in his eyes. He holds out his hand, and I extend mine to let him take hold and read my chi. It's an odd sensation, but after months of injuries and minor illnesses, I'm used to the feeling of his aura dipping and dabbing its way through mine. He drops my hand. "I don't sense infection or imbalance."

"What?" I unintentionally let my displeasure tinge my voice.

"Your stomach acid is at a normal level, and there's no evidence of burning in your lower esophagus, so I can rule out acid reflux. There's no inflammation, no bacterial infection, so it's not an ulcer. You said you were feeling it near the top of your abdomen?" I nod, and he lowers his head, chin on his fist. "Yes, I didn't sense anything off about your intestinal tract. And several weeks- an appendix would have burst by now, plus you'd feel it in your side more than the center. I honestly can't think of anything, except perhaps your diet, and you've been eating the same things as the rest of us." His head springs up, eyes alight with inspiration. "Ah- perhaps you're developing some sort of food sensitivity!"

"Ah." It sounds reasonable, at least. "What do I do?"

"I'd like you to keep track of what you eat and drink, and keep note on when the pain is better or worse." He reaches into his sash and takes out a pad and pen, because of course he has that in there, and I pocket them. "I'd also ask you to cut back on drinking, but then, I'd end up drinking alone." He laughs again, almost unaware that he's the only one who finds his humor at all amusing.

"Thanks for the advice." My eyes roll of their own accord.

"Anytime." His timbre is singsong and chipper, a stark contrast against my own mood. I am fully aware that I'm cranky, but I can't be bothered to care as I scan the area.

"Where's the damned Jeep?"

"Here." He reaches next to him and pulls Hakuryu from beside his log, scruffed by the ridges running down his back. Hakuryu perks his head up and chirrups.

"How do I check the glove compartment?" I'm all but certain I'd be bitten were I to try and examine the dragon's undercarriage, so to speak.

"Ah." Hakkai releases Hakuryu, and before he hit the ground, he's become the moss-green vehicle, bumper scarcely a meter from my thigh. I circle to the passenger side and hoist myself in to search the glove compartment.

Sometimes, I pity this poor creature. He works ten times as hard as any of us do, all while carrying us on his back, not to mention all the junk we've shoved into his boot, console, and all the compartments. The seats are worn where our hindquarters rub them raw, there are dents in the plastic and bruises on the upholstery. He's dusty, too- too many days between desert and field. Even worse, there now pervades the distinct odor of men from every surface of the vehicle- musty and sweaty and unwashed and just plain foul. It's unfortunate, but he never complains.

Victory is mine when I seize my emergency cigarettes from the compartment, and hop out. My hand brushes the hood: 'Good boy.' Then, inspiration strikes, and I circle to the windshield, lick my finger, and trace onto the glass:

"WASH ME."

I hear an airy laugh from behind me."Hilarious." Hakkai has rolled up his map and gotten to his feet. He turns to the two others. "Goku, I think he's had enough!" I turn my attention to them as well; Goku is still trying to goad Gojyo on, but Gojyo's hands are on his knees and he's trying to catch his breath. I know he's exhausted already; this is simply unfair. I stride close to Goku, anger seething in every step. I'm surprised the grass isn't wilting and leaves aren't parting in my wake.

"Pitiful." The fan is out of my pocket and hitting Goku in the back of the head without my thinking about it; it's a motion I've carried out so many times that it's second nature to my right hand. "You're going to kill him." Gojyo lifts his head from panting for breath to glower at me.

Oh, those red eyes, clouded with rage: a warning for any sailor on choppy waters such as this.

"I can handle myself," he growls, and I back away as Hakkai swoops in.

"You look so tired. Come, sit, rest." He takes Gojyo by the wrist and helps him to the Jeep. "We've got a lot of ground to cover, and we need to restock today." I have to hide a wince when Hakkai helps him up into the car-  _he needs help with everything._  It's enough to help me tune out Goku's whining, just to listen to Gojyo complain.

"Bro, get off-"

"I insist." He buckles his seat belt, and Gojyo leans against the seat's back, wearing the same weary, exasperated expression that seems perennially stuck in the creases of his lips and forehead. Hakkai turns to Goku and myself. "Let's pack up the rest of our things, yes?"

There's little point arguing with him, so Goku and Hakkai bustle about to pack the last few camp chairs. They move so much faster than I do, but I make at least a token effort to pick up some cigarette butts. There are many, more than I can count- I wonder if perhaps I'm compensating for Gojyo's lack of contribution. Still, it would be unkind to leave any mark on this place. It has left no mark on me, and I shouldn't let it.

_Oh, you're so full of it. You let more stick in your craw than you let on. It's disingenuous to pretend otherwise._

'Shut up.' I discard the butts into an empty soup can and toss it with the rest of the trash. Gojyo has already nodded off by the time Hakkai turns the key in the ignition; not quite asleep, though. The rest of us join him in the car, and we depart, leaving nothing but our footprints and a pile of ashes.

It's not until we've just pulled away that I catch a glint of reflected light in the side mirror, and spot Gojyo's lighter left in the ashes. I know he'd rather refill it, but somehow, I'm sure he's sick of staring impotently into the engraving on the side. And yet, this is far too Buddhist for him.

 _Muichimotsu._  Hold nothing dear. Since when did you start to throw yourself away?

* * *

Life has been in a holding pattern for some time, things always the same from day to day. We drive, we stop, we drive, we stop, sometimes we have to kill some youkai, and then we drive again. I've run out of books to read, although Hakkai has repeatedly offered to get me some pulps or 'something,' but the newspaper really is enough. I was curious about those books only because it seems they have anchored both Gojyo and Hakkai, but they have not given me any window into Gojyo's turmoil. I would forget the lot, but to tell the truth-

_You thought it was cool._

Shut up, you infernal- As it turns out, it's interesting. It really is a miracle, that any living creature makes it from nothingness to life. There are so many things that could go wrong along the way, most of which he has been vulnerable to. Perhaps the most volatile time was the beginning; Hakkai must have been terrified with the way he was sick, and how he put himself at risk without even a second thought. He kept doing so, right up until his movement was impeded by the baby's growth, forcing him to stop. At any instant, he could have tripped and bruised something, or gotten a bad cut and lost too much blood, or something awful like that, things I scarcely want to think about. When I realize just how much danger he and the child he carries have faced trying to take on both missions at once, I can even concede that they may have been safer locked in a cell, like his brother tried to do. Far away from me and the road west.

Even worse are the things he can't have controlled, like the way he drank and smoked before he knew he was expecting (though I discovered that there is something of a four-week "grace period" early in gestation where toxins wouldn't affect the unborn's health, something for which Hakkai must be grateful daily) or things like a faulty heart, deformities of the head or spine, a cord wrapped around the neck. It's enough to make me wonder: how do humans survive conception to birth? New life occurs daily- as it must, as at the rate we go through them, we'd be out of people fairly soon- and I used to just ignore it. I can't do that anymore.

Mostly because most of the time we spend driving, I have to listen to an ungodly noise from the rear bench seat, reminding me that there is a terrible little creature tormenting him back there.

He's been doing this for more than a week now, at first only rarely, but now nearly-consistently. It's more noticeable when we drive faster, or on unsteady terrain, but now that he's nearing (by my count) the eighth month of his ordeal, it torments him whenever we break 40 per hour. Hakkai could be driving with his baby toe and he still will react. I can see him in the rear view, cringing and trying to pull his knees in, perhaps to get himself steady. He holds his middle and clenches his teeth, but it's no good. I can see it wobble- his own hands aren't enough. I have seen Goku reach in to try and help him hold it still, but Gojyo swats him off most of the time. It's only when we have to drive at night, when one or the other is asleep, that he allows it. Otherwise, I have to listen to that noise. As his insides throttle with the engines, a soft, childish whine is forced up through his throat. He can't control it, I'm sure he's tried, but his discomfort has to have some release. I can measure how much pain he's in by the volume of his strangled cries.

The path to the next town led us across the foothills of a mountain. I've checked the map, and it seems we're taking the long way around rather than going straight across the range, but I can imagine why. Goku, Hakkai, and I could probably deal with the pressure changes or altitude sickness, but there's absolutely no way Gojyo could. As it stands, he seems to be dozing in the afternoon warmth; not quite asleep, but too exhausted to maintain consciousness. A magazine is hugged to his breast, as he was making a token attempt at reading. However, as we start coming further and further up the hills, the gravel beneath us makes the whole car shake. Gojyo jerks awake, stark upright, one hand flying directly to the top of the swell, eyes wide. It's like someone's stuck a needle or two or two thousand into him, and he hunches over and holds himself tight. Goku stirs, then shuts his eyes and slides over, lolling onto Gojyo. Gojyo moves to shove him, but Goku is already snoring and Gojyo doesn't seem to have the heart to move him. He sighs and sits back again, sets his magazine on Goku's head, and tries to flip through. It's stopped his whimpering, at least until we hit a large bump which elicits a gasp.

"Tch." Today seems a good day to talk to Hakkai. "Have you noticed that at all?" I don't turn to face him and keep my voice low; I know he can hear me, and I'm hoping the other two can't. Hakkai nodded.

"How can I not? I don't know what to do for it, though." He turns his eyes up to the mirror, inadvertently shifting the wheel, and the Jeep jolts violently. Gojyo jerks upright again, and Goku holds him down without opening his eyes. Hakkai chuckles nervously and tilts the vehicle off the rocky incline, then looks back to me. "He hasn't complained about it."

"And you let that stop you?"

"This is something I haven't anticipated." He sighs, lowering his eyes. "Things like itchy skin and swollen ankles, I knew about, and I could find solutions. I haven't seen any information about discomfort while driving. Perhaps it's just not a common problem, since Jeeps aren't common in Shangri-la. The only thing I can think is to stop driving."

"Hrm." Ah. And here it is. I've worried over this for months now, the prospect of having to stop for him. It's something I've weighed for some time now. We all must make sacrifices, and yet... "Perhaps if you drive slower, it won't be as bad."

"I suppose so." His smile tilts, eyebrows raised: exasperation. We drive on, and the whine continues. I look back again, and he's chewing his fist and gripping his magazine so tightly the edges of the pages have torn.

It may be difficult to create new life, but I'm certain my own indecision isn't helping. It's not helping him, but then, isn't that the way he wants it?

* * *

We do reach civilization most nights, and we hold the same charade every time the hour hand nears midnight. I've recorded my eating habits for ten days, and yet no matter what I eat, the twisting pain in my stomach hasn't lessened. In fact, it's only gotten slowly worse day after day. No matter what I tell him, Hakkai has insisted on checking my little journal. Tonight, we sit in his room as he looks it over, each of us on the inner edges of the two mid-sized beds.

"Perhaps it's something you're eating every day." He frowns as he flips a few pages over. "Perhaps you should stop drinking." I grunt in assent, as he looks again. "But... you've been decreasing your alcohol intake." Because I always wait for you to tell me what to do. You suggested it in jest, but I don't need to drink. In fact, I've only taken my one can of beer a night just to keep you company, since you won't let Gojyo have even a sip and drinking alone is unhealthy. "Perhaps it's the rice, or grains. I suppose it's possible to develop a gluten sensitivity-"

"Uh, Kai?" Gojyo's at the door, dressed in loose-fitting pants and a tank top stretched beyond its limit, and I don't know how long he's been there. Shit. He frowns when he sees me, but looks at Hakkai. "You know where the linen closet is?" Another face in our nightly charade- his hunt for comfort.

Hakkai smiles, sugar dripping from the corners of his lips. "Downstairs, end of the hall. I'll go, in case it's locked." He hands me my notebook back. "Tomorrow, less rice, no noodles or bread." He bounds up to his feet, out the door and down the hall. Gojyo looks at me cautiously and circles the perimeter of the room to the bed Hakkai had been sitting on, and sits on the edge furthest from me. Then, he takes his brush from his bag, which he set on the chair near his bed so he won't have to bend down, and starts to comb his hair out. He's looking out the window, in any direction but towards me. I take this as my cue to leave.

But I won't go far.

Instead, I position myself in the hallway, just past the door, just out of sight, still in earshot. My hand moves for my cigarettes and lighter out of habit, but I stop them- he'll smell it. And I listen. He's quiet, but I listen at the open door. I don't know why I started doing this, but I imagine it's because he's most honest when he thinks he's alone.

"Ah!" He gasps, and I hold my breath. "You little- quit that!" I hear a soft slap- he's hit himself. "Honestly! Daddy hauls you around all day and when we finally get a spot to rest, you just wanna play!" He wheezes, and I hear the shrill whistle of canvas brushing against cheap pleather as he reaches into his bag. "Damn, it's cold. You cold, kiddo? Nah, you're plenty warm. Just Daddy." The soft rustle of fabric; he's pulling a jacket on. Probably the one Hakkai made out of the robe by chopping off the bottom, it's the only one that'll cover all of him. "Daddy's stuck with the cold, 'cause you suck up all Daddy's warmth. It's cool. You can have it." I hear the bed creak as he settles his weight. "I don't mind. You need it more than I do anyway." His timbre drops an octave lower. "You can have Daddy's everything. I don't care."

Footsteps down the hall. Hakkai's coming back. I slip away, towards my room, thankful my socks are silent on the polished floor, and only stop for a moment to slip my sandals on. I don't know why I do this to myself, I always feel sick to my stomach after listening to him talk to that awful creature.

 _I don't know, I don't know._  Over and over, I realize just how little I know about how my mind is working of late, and I hate it more and more the further this all goes. I've never had to think about it before, and I scarcely want to do so now. As such, I have to get it out of my mind. A brisk walk sounds like just the ticket.

* * *

It's mid-September now, though one would not believe it was still technically summer by the cool night air. Perhaps it's because we're traveling so close to the mountains, or because avoiding the mountains has taken us so far north, but it really is bitterly cold outside. The wind catches in my robes as I stroll down the now-empty streets of the tiny village we have collapsed into for the evening, and I can feel the bitter chill around my ankles. It's nights like these I wish there was a little more to shield my lower legs from the weather- boots, something like that. And yet, the cold can't annoy me for long, even though I walk into the wind. There is something more than the changing of the leaves in the air tonight: a youkai's aura, and a strong one. Even worse, a youkai aura that is not particularly malicious or maddened. That only points to one thing, or rather, one person.

I track the aura away from the inn, out towards the edge of the town, a dog following scent. It gets stronger the closer I get to the edge of the village. It's not until I get past the end of the main road and out towards the hills that I catch the presence of the other two auras with the first. There's no mistaking it. I walk on, knowing what I'll find, but too morbidly curious to resist. Sure enough, not even a quarter of a kilometer away, I see a fire and a small campsite below a ridge, with three large, 'majestic' dragons sleeping outside of the pallets and Kougaiji, Yaone, and Dokugakuji circling the flame. Dokugakuji is taking a whetstone to a short knife- not his regular sword, perhaps a utility knife or a hunting dagger. Yaone is already asleep sitting up. Kougaiji has a book. If I didn't know better, I would think it an excursion between three friends. However, I do. It seems that I have, at least, walked up on an interesting conversation:

"... we won't make our move tonight." Kougaiji turns his page, and Dokugakuji nods.

If only I'd walked a little faster.

"From what Yaone said, there's no need to." Dokugakuji shrugs his shoulders, but makes an especially fierce slice against the whetstone. "We'll keep observing, of course. When the time is right. Still," he pauses to bow his head. "Thank you so much for assisting me, Lord Kougaiji."

"I agreed to help you because I wanted to of my own accord, not just to indulge you." Kougaiji tilts the book closer to the light- it's strange, I never would have thought him the type to read, but then, I don't know him that well. I'm more interested in what they're observing for, and yet- "Plus, we're close to our goal. If we have the opportunity to take the sutra, we will."

As I thought.

"That's a given." Dokugakuji scoffs quietly, then puts his whetstone away and tucks the knife into a small sheath on his belt. "I'm sorry that I'm dragging you guys through this for my sake. It's just, he's my only little brother."

"I know. I'm an older brother, too." Kougaiji folds his book and levels his gaze at Dokugakuji. "I've done some things I'm not proud of for Lirin's sake. She may be kind of a space case, but she's my baby sister, and I'd like to think I've been a good big brother. Aren't you the same way?"

"Yeah." The firelight hits Dokugakuji's cheekbones as he smiles. "I'm gonna be an uncle. Even if it's a weird situation, it's cool." He sits back and starts unlacing his boots. "I just need to be sure that my little brother gets out of this alright, and my niece or nephew is okay."

I should have seen this coming like a meteor from above. We should have known that Dokugakuji was still fixated on Gojyo. It's difficult to be outraged when he wears such a peaceful smile, but from what I can tell, he's talking about taking Gojyo and the baby again. When the time is right _... that means when he's in labor._  They're going to take him at the very worst moment. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

I made the mistake last time of leaving it to Gojyo to tell the others when Dokugakuji was menacing him. This time, he's not here, so I can't pass the buck, and besides that, I can't let it happen. That twisting in my chest has gotten worse than ever, wringing my heartstrings and stomach, and I feel ready to heave. This will not rest. I will not rest until I have done something about this. I pivot on my heel and run back towards town.

And again, I hear that voice in my ear:  _Good boy._

* * *

Goku's fast asleep and snoring, but I don't quite give two fucks right now. I grab and shake his shoulder, and he reaches for my neck. I dodge, and use the harisen to slap him across the face until his eyes open.

"What th' hell, Sanzo?"

"You need to go to Hakkai's room and tell him you have a stomachache." I'm speaking much faster than I mean to, but my tempo is matching that of my racing pulse. "Tell him he needs to come here and examine you."

Goku stares stupidly at my face for a moment. "Wait, if I have a tummy ache, and I go there to ask for help, why can't he help me there?"

I have to think about what he said for a second. Fuck. He's right.

_WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!_

I listen at the door as Goku goes down the hall and knocks, rubbing his swollen cheeks. "Kai, I got a tummy ache..." Satisfied, I put the harisen away.

Hakkai returns with him, clearly not fully awake yet, but he shuts the door behind him. "You wanted to talk to me?"

"Kougaiji, Dokugakuji, and Yaone have been following us." He's awake now, eyes wide, but calmly polishes his monocle and sets it firmly up onto the bridge of his nose.

"Is that so?"

I explain where I went and what I heard, and they listen. Goku seems awestruck- is he really that unused to me contributing to our party?- but Hakkai heaves a sigh and puts his head in his hands.

"We really should have seen this coming."

"Yes. We should." I need a cigarette, or I'm going to start tearing my hair out.

"And god- we can't tell him." Hakkai looks between Goku and myself. "Both of you-"

"I won't tell him." Goku nods.

"Why do you think I wanted to talk in here?"

"Ah." Hakkai tilts his finger towards me in a 'good on you' gesture, then looks back to the floor. "He can't know. He's tense as it is, if he gets word that those three are chasing us, I don't know what he'll do." He puts his hand on his forehead and runs it back through his hair, clearing a thin layer of nervous sweat. "But it's reassuring that they haven't done anything yet, and that they seem to be waiting." He sighs again, and starts to pace. "But when will they move? Yaone threatened that his body would give out on him after five weeks when we rescued him, but it's been four, so we're not quite at that threshold."

"What if they're just watching for him to actually start havin' the baby?" Goku raises a finger and my idea.

"Do you think they'd- no, that'd be diabolical!" He starts to fidget with the edge of his sleeve in one hand. "They can't try and spirit him away while he's in labor, that would be cruel, and they're many things but cruel isn't one of them."

"I'm only repeating what I heard." I have no answers for him, but the way he's talking, he expects them. "Calm down." He looks in my eyes, and stops in place. "They said they were observing, and they want him and his cargo safe. I doubt they'll be stupid enough to try and take him if he's being watched."

"Ah. You think they'll be reluctant to try and take him if there's a risk he could be injured in a scuffle." Hakkai's face brightens, and in a move I know I'll regret, I follow up:

"Precisely. All I suggest is that we ensure he is never alone. One of us should keep an eye on him at all times. Perhaps we should take shifts for times he wants to rest and we want to do other things."

"Well, he's not alone," Goku points out, and I give him a glare. He ignores it. "I mean, little cousin's with him."

"Little cousin won't be much help if he's in danger." Hakkai pats Goku's shoulder, clearly indulging the boy's silly fantasies with a sympathetic grin. "But Sanzo, I agree." He looks back to me, and gratitude paints his smile. "I'm with him most of the time, but whatever time he tries to take alone, we'll split into shifts."

Perfect. Another excuse to hang outside his door and listen to him talk to himself.

_You're not being sarcastic there, are you?_

Shut up, hag. If this is what's best for him, I'll endure it. It may not make him happy, but damned if I just stand by while the vultures circle overhead.

* * *

The only time Hakkai leaves Gojyo alone is when we're at an inn, only in the evenings, and only when Gojyo says he wants to go to bed early. This happens to be most nights. Hakkai usually will find somewhere to have a few drinks. He may have taken Gojyo as his responsibility, but he still needs a break sometimes. I can't blame him for wanting some time to himself. As such, the twilight hours are now considered a watch shift, and Goku and I agree to alternate. We even flipped a coin to decide who would go first, and he "won."

And so, another night, in another town, in another cheap merchant's hovel, we set ourselves up. Two rooms, as always, separated by walls as thin as the paint on them. When time for the first shift comes, I don't feel like keeping this agreement. I don't care that it was my idea. The moment Goku moves towards Gojyo's inn room, I catch him by his collar.

"Go keep Hakkai company." I point at Hakkai's vanishing back as he heads for the front desk, presumably to ask the receptionist about the nearest bar.

"But- I won the first shift." His eyes are wide, head tilting down and looking at the key in his hand. Hakkai has given him the key in case Goku hears any trouble, so he can bust in and save the day without knocking the door off its hinges. Honestly, I don't think that will stop any of us. Either way, I hold my hand out for the symbolic pass-off.

"You won. Doesn't that mean you get to go have fun?" I raise my eyebrow, and he's smart enough not to argue.

"I... I guess." He tosses me Hakkai's key and turns on his heel. "Hey, Hakkai, wait up!" He's off and away, and I'm left in the hallway outside his closed door. And as always, we've picked a ratty enough inn that I can hear right through the door, especially when I press my ear against it.

As I'd thought, he's talking to himself. I can almost see him in my mind's eye, sitting on his bed and combing his hair out with one hand, and the other hand drumming a gentle beat on his rounded side. "You know, I oughta give you a name." A novel idea: naming something that's not quite real. "I guess I already know what I'll call you if you do pop out and turn out to be a girl. I don't think your uncle'd give me a choice. He's lucky I like the name anyway." He chuckles, almost melodically. Is he in a good mood tonight? Doubtful. I imagine it's spontaneous mirth at the ludicrousness of his situation. Still, I hear the soft 'clack' as he puts his brush aside, and I imagine he's using both hands to soothe the little beast enclosed inside of him. "But if you're a boy, I guess I can call you whatever I want."

That's something that's fascinated me for some time, that we can just choose to name something or someone without the subject's choice. We name everything: our land, our animals, our vehicles, each other. I wonder if any of these things ever object to the names they're given, if a cat ever loathes being called a cat, let alone 'Fluffy.' It makes me wonder what causes us to name things as they are. Is it a worthy topic of debate? Maybe. Maybe I'm only interested because as far as I know, I was never really given a name of my own.

Gojyo hems and haws quietly for a minute. "Hey, what about Yosuke? I like Yosuke." Yosuke sounds like a good name for a bumpkin. Skip it. "Yoshi? Maybe Yoshiro. Or Yoshio." For some reason, those sound more like a name for a pet than a person. No. "Youta. No, that one's kinda common." Agreed. "Yoshiyuki's too long." And silly, don't forget silly. "No, I need something I can yell quick and easy-like. Yori? Eh. Doesn't really fit. Sha Yori. Not feeling it."

As he stops to think again, I realize that all of these names start with "Yo."

"Yoichi? Yoite? I dunno about any of those..." I hear the bed creak, the thin mattress singing praises as he relieves it of his weight. "One of 'em's gotta fit. Where's that stupid book?"

Goj _yo_. Yosuke, Yoichi, Yoshio. Where he ends, it begins, or vice versa. He must be doing this on purpose, either symbolically or out of his own self-loathing. I can't think of any other reason he would limit himself to those names alone.

"Here's one. Means 'flat sea.'" I press my ear closer to the door as he mumbles it under his breath a few times, but I can't make it out. "You know, kiddo, I ain't ever seen the ocean, but I hear it can be kinda rocky. Maybe you and me could use some calm water. You and me got a rough road ahead of us, kiddo."

Calm water. A flat sea. A nice thought. Whatever he's picked out, at least it has a nice meaning. Maybe that's all that matters. Strange, it's similar to the name that my own infancy granted me. The flow of the river and the flat sea. One might lead into the other. I should mind, but I don't. If it means something to him, then so be it.

He keeps talking to it after that, on and off, and I keep listening. He's not even trying to sleep, and I know he needs it. It seems foolish for him to just sit by himself and play around. He really does seem intent on having a conversation with someone who's not alive, but then I remember from those books: the unborn child's ears work from about four months into pregnancy. It may not be able to talk back, but it can hear him. I wonder if it will remember all the love and devotion he's given it. It'll be a pity if he's just wasting his time.

He laughs again. "Kid, that tickles."

… He's not. My body droops against the door, and my face feels strangely less tense than it has in weeks. It's a relief: if it makes him happy, then his time has been well-spent. I only wish that there were some way I could make him happy myself, and see that carefree smile- wait. Why would I... My heart aches. It's not my stomach, it's my heart. This whole time...

* * *

The next night, we've moved again. After a long day of travel, we stop again. Goku comes to take his shift as Hakkai is giving Gojyo a few last assurances:

"I'll be right downstairs. You won't even miss me."

"Just go, dude, I'm fine."

I, however, am already at the door. Hakkai emerges, shuts the door behind him, and hands me the key with his usual, flat smile. Goku's jaw drops as he skids to a halt.

"Isn't it my turn?"

"No, it's mine. You asked me to cover you last night so you could go play with Hakkai." I raise my eyebrow as if to scold. His lower lip wiggles.

"I don't remember that happening."

"Oh, sure you don't." I glance to Hakkai, who has stepped back, waiting for one of us to decide who will go with him. I roll my eyes. "I've got it. You two go."

"If you're sure." Hakkai smiles at Goku, who looks at me one more time, then goes off with Hakkai. I sit down outside another door, with Gojyo on the other side, already tossing and turning against the pillows he's wheedled his way into and trying to get some rest. I hear him sigh and groan as he fails again and again to find comfort.

The next night, it's my turn to keep watch. I don't care that I've done it the last two nights, and I tell Goku as much.

The night after that, we're camping out. There's no need to divide guard duty, so after a few dozen rounds of poker and crazy eights, we all bed down for the night in four directions around the fire pit. He lays on top of his sleeping bag, hugging one of the spare pillows, but his eyes are open. He can't or won't sleep, and I watch him from across the fire, as he tosses and turns. I listen over the crackling of the dying fire, as it devours the last of the logs, for him to start singing.

Not tonight. No lullabies.

It goes on like this for two weeks. The solstice passes, October approaches, and I spend most of my nights lingering outside his door and listening to him or watching him not sleep over the firelight and not hearing him. I'm compelled by an emotion I can't name to keep watch over him; you don't need to know my body is bent to your will again. I can only be satisfied if you're asleep, but you won't sleep, or don't, or can't, or shan't. Please, by god, give me some peace, just rest. I wouldn't even care if you snored. Let me worry about you without having to wonder what's in your mind, just sleep and dream and rest and don't think about all your worries. I can't stand knowing you're still miserable, and even worse is that I can't control that I feel this way.

I've done nothing wrong. I've only done what was asked of me. That's what I've always done. Hell, I'm doing more by willingly watching over you, just to assuage my own guilt for letting you be taken from us before. And still, I feel that twisting sensation in my chest. I don't even know what to do about it anymore.

* * *

The last night of September, we're at an inn again, and this time, Goku has insisted: "You've been doing it like forever!" He hisses as I approach the door to Gojyo's room. Hakkai has just shut it tight, and I fold my arms.

"Give me the key. It's my turn."

"You know," Hakkai purses his lips and taps his chin, those clever green eyes dancing as they fix on me, "I don't think Goku has had a turn. Strange, how that worked out." He hands the key to Goku, smiling at him. "Don't interrupt him unless he's actually in trouble." Hakkai grabs me by the shoulder, and I jerk back as his fingers dig in to my clothes. "Shall we?"

This is one of the more common kinds of tavern we've visited- the kind that is attached directly to our inn. In this case, it's on the first level of a three-story building, or, more accurately, it is the first level. This one is busy, with pots of hot sake steaming up the mirrors behind the bar, and the bittersweet smell of pumpkin cider paints the room with the scent of burnt sugar. Hakkai and I sit at the bar, far from a party of what seem to be merchants chattering about the day's labor. There are a few working-class men still in their sweat-stained undershirts and suspenders, muttering to one another about the dead mad youkai that they discovered outside of town. (We may need to start covering our tracks a little better.) Hakkai orders himself a sake, and I take one as well.

"Strong liquor, Sanzo?" Hakkai frowns curiously. "I thought you had cut back- in fact, I don't think you've discussed your troubles with me in some time. Let me see your notebook."

I had entirely forgotten about that notebook, and as such, have neglected it. There's no point in lying about it. "I haven't been keeping track, but my stomach troubles have subsided."

"Oh!" He beams brightly, one elbow perched on the table as he waits for the barkeep to pour our drinks. "That's good! Great, even! It must have been a little bug and wore itself out, just one I didn't notice."

"Great." I'd jump for joy if I could, or if I weren't lying through my teeth. Our drinks arrive, and it's about time, because I'm starting to feel tense with all the questions burning in my skull. "One less thing for you to worry about, I suppose."

"Hm?" His glass is already empty. I'd wonder if he weren't developing a dependency, except it doesn't affect him during the day, and he holds his liquor well. I know for a fact that he has been drinking more, perhaps for the same reason I'm dousing my own mind with liquor tonight. "I don't know what you mean."

"Surely you're preparing for the... blessed event." I can't think of any better euphemism for it. Hakkai giggles- he probably thinks me squeamish.

"I suppose we're only a little more than a month out now. I'm thinking the little one should be ready by mid-November, at the latest." He fingers the rim of his glass, clearly considering all the ramifications. "I suppose I should be trying to plan it out better, but I don't know how much I can do."

"Elaborate."

He laughs again- I'm not sure what's so funny, asshole, I said I'd hear you out before, and that hasn't changed. "Well, you know how that usually happens. Our friend is not, shall we say, equipped." He lowers his head, shoulders slump. "And I... I am not equipped for the alternatives."

"I beg your pardon?" This is something I had not thought of, but Hakkai's explanation makes it perfectly clear even as I fill in the blanks myself.

"I know I've been acting as our medic, but only because I'm the only one of us who can do anything more complicated than put on a bandage." He pushes his glass forward so the bartender can more easily take it and refill it. "I can use qigong to stop internal bleeding and heal wounds unseen, I can stitch up the worst cuts and gashes. But I am not a surgeon, not by far." His head drops lower. "I am incapable of extricating the baby without doing some very serious damage to him. If it comes down to it, only one of them will survive the ordeal, and frankly, it will more than likely be the devil we don't know rather than the one we do."

"You mean-" I watch as his newly-refilled glass is empty the moment he sets it back down.

"I'll figure something out. You need not concern yourself." He pushes his glass forward for a refill. "I'm more worried about the after. You know. The rest of our lives, or the rest of theirs, at least." The bartender fills his cup, and he empties it again. "Another, please." His voice drops to a whisper only I can hear. "How can we take the baby with us? What are we going to do with a tiny little person? I'm only one man, how can I-" The bartender ladles another serving of sake into his cup, and he drains it. His voice is rising as the liquor starts replacing his internal filter. "I can't be responsible for the two of them- or, let's face it, even just the one- when we're headed for such danger. It's been hard enough tending to Gojyo, and he's at least conscious of how to best protect himself. Babies don't know. They're babies. Nothing but pink meat and innocence and-" His head has been gradually sinking, and it suddenly hits the bar. The barkeep promptly swipes his glass away.

"You've had enough."

"You know, I think I have," Hakkai laughs as he sits upright. His cheeks are bright pink, and I can't tell if it's from inebriation or embarrassment. I don't think I've ever seen him let himself go like this, but it may just be because of how much and how fast he took it. "I need some air. You don't mind, do you?"

"Go." I wave him off, and take another sip of my sake as he stumbles for the door. This is the first I've had to consider more than what's in the coming hour, minute, or second in dealing with this, and the prognosis is dismal.

Gojyo could die. In just a few short weeks, he may succumb to a pain we can't alleviate without cutting him open, and we will not be able to put him back together again. We could find a surgeon, but none who would touch this with a plastic-lined polearm. There would be no way to save him except-

_Me._

I am no longer alone. Se has appeared on the stool beside me, perched like a preening cockatoo, radiant in hir white gown and  _with hir bloody tits out_. My instinct is to scream "Put those things away! Someone's going to lose a damned eye!" but I'd like to think I have a little more decorum than that. Se knows it, both what I wish to say and that I do not wish to say it, and there is no point in arguing otherwise. But instead of scolding me, se takes a seat beside me and raises hir hand.

"Bartender, a round for everyone on my friend here!" Se smiles sweetly as cheers erupt from all corners of the room, and I roll my eyes. "Don't be selfish- you know I'm paying that damned card anyway."

"Have you decided to stop prodding me in the back of my mind?"

"For now." Se giggles. "I should apologize for that-" you won't- "but I have to keep tabs on your silly ass somehow."

"You were doing just fine without talking to me, thank you." The bartender gives me a second glass, and I pass him my card. "If you're here, you must have a purpose."

"Yes." Hir smile shifts to hide hir teeth, and se tucks a few curls back towards the rest of hir ponytail. "You and Hakkai have concluded correctly. Without assistance, Gojyo will die."

"And I'm supposed to jump for joy now that you've confirmed it."

"Sarcasm does not suit you, Genjo." Se scolds me, rubbing one index finger against the other at me. I steam in my chair. My ass, sarcasm doesn't suit me, it's probably one of my greatest skills- bitch, I am a sarcasm ninja! I'm so sarcastic people don't even know it! Rotten nasty hag, talking down to me like I'm a damned toddler- "But I'm offering my assistance."

"Are you now?" Sound cool. Sound casual. Don't let her tell you're pissed.

"Well, I got him into this." Se takes up the mug the bartender left for hir, and I can see the color change as it turns from sake to tea. "You know very well he should not be equipped to be doing what he's doing, but I gave him the necessary parts on that end. Rather, I loaned them. He can put them to use better than I." Se laughs again as both of my hands drop down to the bar, fingers shaking as nausea burns in the roof of my mouth, as I calculate all the implications of that statement. Ew. Ew. Ew. Stop talking. "Make of that what you will." Se twists and untwists her fingers a few times, 'switch' motions. "I had to rearrange a few things to make it all work, but I did. And I'll take them back when he's done. Maybe." It's all I can do not to clamp my ears covered. Instead I clench my drink in one hand and clench a fist with the other. Se smiles a sedate smile, an odd warmth emanates from hir eyes. I don't want to feel it, and se's lucky that I'm cold enough to brush it off. "If you will allow me, then I will loan him the last parts he needs when he needs them- though not a moment sooner." Se winks. "You'd never get him out of bed."

"If you could do all this, then why couldn't you give it to him in the first place and spare Hakkai the worry?" Righteous fury escapes in a hiss, but I can't bring myself to look in hir eyes. "You realize how much this has fucked his body up? His hormones? The nausea? The pain? The depression? Why couldn't you fix all of that? Hell, why couldn't you just skip the whole ordeal?"

"Tsk, tsk." Se clicks hir tongue at me a few times, and I want to scream. "I could do all that, but that would deprive you of the experience."

"I never asked for any of this-"

"I was talking of the collective 'you,' dear." Se giggles again, and though I have to finish my drink, I can't blame the alcohol for all the blood in my cheeks. "But think of all you and your friends have learned. It's a worthwhile experience, if nothing else."

I let it sink in. Se could have fixed all this. I know that. Se could pick us up and drop us in India at the gates of Houtou Castle. Se could do anything se wants, because se doesn't actually give a fuck nor need to give a fuck about the laws of nature, but se won't. Se wants me to feel this pain. Se smiles again, eyes narrow, hir gaze hot on the side of my face. "Let's make a deal. If you will at least consider what to do with them after he's given birth, I will take care of the actual process. Are we agreed?"

I release my hands and lower my eyes, wishing I could dissolve. "Do what you have to. Spare his life. He deserves to see what he has worked for."

"There's a boy." Se pats my back, and I shudder. "One last thing." Se slips a hand between hir breasts and pulls a small, silk package from within. "You've been meaning to get these, haven't you?" Se slides it towards me, and I open it. A set of tiny youkai limiters: black metal clip-on bars for the earlobes. "Those will be the least painful for little ears, don't you think?"

"Are you saying the child will need them?" I look the little earrings over; I can already feel the energy flowing out from them.

"I'm not saying anything." Se rises to her feet and sets hir empty cup back down on the bar. "You think the child will need them, though, don't you? You've just been putting off actually getting them." Se pats my back, and turns away. "I'll be watching. Good luck."

With that, the goddess is gone. I'm left with nothing but an empty glass, and the twisting sensation in my chest has turned into a hollow reverberation. I want to throw the limiters into the sake pot, but I put them in my sleeve. Another weight, like my pistol and my sutra, but it's nothing by compare to the invisible one they make real.

* * *

The next day, Goku looks deflated- it seems a night spent outside of Gojyo's door has put him in an off mood. That, or he's just tired. Gojyo is curled up in his seat, chewing his fist, and I can imagine why. The road is shakier than before, as we seem to have made our way onto an incline, and the mountain path is unpleasantly rocky. Even I can feel breakfast shuddering in my gut, threatening to ruin poor Hakuryu's upholstery.

He's got it worse than me. He's got more than nourishment riding in him, if he has nourishment in him at all. I don't think I saw him eat anything, which may be the only reason it's not coming back up. But the day wears on, and I try to focus on the morning newspaper. I can hear him almost crying. That twisting feeling is back, and it gets worse and worse. Hakkai is gripping the steering wheel hard, eyes wide open, and I'm sure I know why. I wait until I see Gojyo nod off in the afternoon sun on a smoother section of road, and address him just over the clatter of pebbles in the wheel wells.

"The Merciful Goddess spoke to me last night. She heard your worries." I shift my cigarette to the other side of my mouth. "Please be assured, you will not have to cut him open to retrieve the baby."

"Oh, thank god!" He puts his hand over his face, clearly just short of crying with joy, and as his other hand slides on the wheel, the Jeep veers off the road into the brush and the rocky roadside. Gojyo jerks awake, his hand flies to his mouth, and he heaves aloud.

"Watch the road!" I grab the wheel and steady us out, but it's too late. Goku jolts awake at the sickening sounds Gojyo has started hacking out, and I can see him swallow hard.

"Ewww!" Goku scoots to the furthest corner of the rear bench, and points to his left accusingly. "Kai! He just threw up and swallowed it!"

"D-did not," Gojyo pants, voice shaking in his throat, but the green hue of his cheeks tells very much another story. Hakkai puts the Jeep in park and jumps out.

"Let me see you." His fingers grip the Jeep's wall fit to tear it off as he clambers into the back seat, shoving the front seat forward as he takes Gojyo's hand. I get out as well and suck my cigarette to the filter to stave off the shaking in my hands and knees. I'm sure he's giving him a charge of ki to reduce his nausea, but at this point, it's all too much. As Gojyo has calmed down, I step around the side of the Jeep and grab Hakkai's sleeve.

"This is hell for him. We have to stop."

"I wholeheartedly agree." He stares back at me blankly. "We'll give him some time to settle his stomach."

"No. We have to stop moving. I will travel no further." I cross my arms and scowl, unwilling to budge. Hakkai seems taken aback.

"For how long?"

"I don't care." My teeth ache, and I grind them together to stem the irritation. "Until I don't have to listen to him whimpering like a damned child!"

"I can hear you." Gojyo slides out of the Jeep, and catches his balance with a hand on his front. "Look, I'll stop, I'll try-"

"I don't care!" I throw my hands up, beyond disgust. "You're in pain and sick!"

"Then I'll leave." His face falls. "You guys have a mission to complete." Goku looks up at this, and reaches out to yank Gojyo's ear.

"No way!" Goku looks at Hakkai and I. "All four of us are doin' this, right? We go together, or we don't go at all."

"Get off!" Gojyo catches his wrist and shoves it away.

"He's right, though." Hakkai puts his hand on my shoulder, and I gingerly remove it. "We agreed to go together, so if we must stop, we stop as a group."

"We can't stop moving." Gojyo is looking down, and his fingers dig into his shirt. "If we stop, then we're gonna get slaughtered. The crazy youkai'll sniff us out for fuckin' miles. We'll all die."

"Leave that to us." Goku thumbs his chest. "I'll protect you!"

"And what about all the people near us?" Gojyo seems unimpressed, arms folded, refusing to raise his head.

"We can discuss all this later tonight." Hakkai reaches to take his wrist again, but he jerks his hand away.

"Fine. Whatever. Can we just get going again?"

"As long as you're ready." The saccharine smile has returned, but for once, it's genuine.

"Don't go at my pace. We ain't got time for that." Gojyo pulls away from Goku and Hakkai, back towards the Jeep. "We got places to go, right?"

Certainly. Miles to go until we sleep. But you don't, won't, can't, or shan't, and that you don't want to stings all the worse.

* * *

**(Suggested Track: "Little Motel," Modest Mouse)**

"So, we're agreed." Hakkai did most of the talking, and I did all of the agreeing. It was a very short conversation, but judging solely by that Hakkai has not even touched the alcohol before him, it's clearly been a relief for him. "We'll move if we must, but from now until the baby is born, we're going to let ourselves rest."

"That's fine." I finish my drink. "And just how long do you think that will be?"

"If I had to guess, four weeks. I can't be certain- he has refused to tell me when he might have conceived." Ah, now he picks up the liquor. "I don't expect him to make it that far. I'll be satisfied if he makes it two."

"I see." One month of waiting. It sounds like such a small sacrifice to make by comparison. Is there really no more I can do? I inadvertently let my breath cross my vocal chords as I try to think, sounding something like a sigh, and Hakkai raises an eyebrow at me. It's about then that Goku comes in.

"Hey, Sanzo, isn't it your turn? Are you guys done talking?" His brow is low, lips stuck in a pout. "It's so boring up there."

"I'm finished." I push my glass away as I rise, and Goku tosses me the room key. I grab a newspaper from the lobby to take with me, but I don't anticipate needing it at all.

This is probably one of the nicer inns we've been in, even though it's just a small mountain town. It's probably just because this is the easiest path around the mountains, so merchants frequent it and the keepers have the money to keep the floors shiny and the walls patched. The furniture's even rather nice, though I didn't look at it too closely. Lots of floral patterns- apple and cherry blossoms all around. Our rooms are located on the second floor tonight, and from the way Gojyo had to stop and catch his breath on the steps, I'm sure he's exhausted already. However, I still expect to hear him having a conversation with the unborn child, and why not? It's the only way I'll be able to get even the slightest inkling of what's going through his head. I stand beside the door, swinging the pistol in my pocket as I listen for his voice. The walls must be too thick. No matter. I lean close to the door and listen, but there is silence from within.

Don't tell me the five minute gap between Goku leaving and me arriving was enough- the key can't get into the door fast enough, and I crank the knob open, throwing the door wide, and-

Relief.

He's fast asleep, sitting in the chair by the window, feet tucked between the front legs. His hands are tucked against his hip and on top of his stomach, fingers buried in the creases. He mumbles in his sleep, his lips forming grimaces and snarls, fingernails digging in below his breast, brow wrought with worries the likes of which I can't imagine. All the pillows in the world won't make you comfortable now. But he finally has found a comfortable spot, it seems: rocking himself in the chair and curled up into himself. I listen to the sounds below- I can oh-so-faintly hear them, but Hakkai and Goku are still down there, occupying themselves with what sounds like Shogi. I take the opportunity to close the distance, walking on the balls of my feet and as softly as possible. He's soundly asleep, but I won't run the risk. Now, before him, as close as I have been in months, I can see the hollows on his cheeks, the loose skin of his neck- he's lost body mass. Despite how big he's grown, he looks so small, so frail- a corpse I made, a doll I discarded. This isn't what he's supposed to be. I pity this sight.

"You poor thing." Before I even realize it, I crouch before him, my eyes at the level of his navel. That warm look on your face- so protective of the creature inside of you. It's... actually somewhat... what's the word? Endearing. It makes me wish I could feel that way, or that you could feel that way about... no. Don't think about that. Stay in the here and now. I reach out to touch him- I can't, I shouldn't, I won't- but I do. First, just one hand, just enough to smooth down his shirt where it has caught a wrinkle, just enough to feel how stiff and warm his middle is. Before I know it, I'm on my knees, my hands land on his sides, I bow my head into his lap. I instinctively let my hands trace his muscles; I can feel a beating heart under his skin. My mouth moves on its own: "Hello there."

"Nnn." He shifts, and his hand brushes mine. I hold my breath, lift my head to look at him, but he doesn't open his eyes. Instead, he brushes at me. "Gerroff, Kai." I let my anxiety escape in a scoff. He needs to rest. Haven't I done enough? I rise, away from him, and it all hits me.

You asked me to think about it, didn't you, hag?

This is probably the last I will ever touch him. After this ends, he will have to depart our party and raise this child wherever he may carry himself- he wants it, after all, he would never be so calloused as to abandon it and it would be cruel to take it with us. We may not see him- them- for a very long time, if ever again. I will never hold this child- he will not offer it to me, he 'knows' I will not want to. I'll never tell him differently- he'll only laugh. And thus I will lose them both.

I hurt you, I know. I was so terrified of the way you made me feel, I had the instinct to lash out. Probably because I'm a monster, a rat among rats. But you let me hurt you- you asked me to hurt you- and I obliged.  _Why did I like it?_  The noises you made- the way your muscles undulated- the sensation of your body embracing mine-  _the noises I tried so hard not to make_ \- the very thought of it makes me dizzy. I don't think I'll ever make sense of it. I will not have the chance.

Heavy lies the head that wears the crown, but at least he's finally asleep.

I move to vacate the room again, and I hear him groan under his breath. I turn briefly, and see him start to stir. I rush out, but lean around the frame as he snaps awake. "U-ugh..." He jumps to his feet and stumbles to the bathroom. I hear his knees hit the floor and he starts to retch. Hard.

He was asleep. It's not fair. He was finally resting.

I creep back in, tiptoeing as gently as I can. He's hugging the toilet bowl, making enough noise with his retching that I could have tapdanced in and he wouldn't have noticed. The force of his purge has brought tears to his eyes- he won't see me. He didn't see me last time I did this either, all those months ago. I reach down and put my hands on his shoulders, and rub them as he heaves. The noise he's making turns to pained sobs, and I rub lower on his back. He tries to turn and look at me, but there are too many tears in his eyes; he can't tell it's me. He would have gotten angry if he had seen it was me. I don't care anymore. I grab a tissue and wipe the sick from around his lips, then catch him from under his arms and lift him back to his feet. My instinct is to encourage him to move on his own, but I keep my mouth shut as I escort him back to his chair and settle him into it. I take the blanket from the bed and throw it over him, and set the wastebasket from between the two beds beside him. He's staring at me. The tears are gone. I fold my arms and look him straight in the eyes.

"You need to drink, or you'll dehydrate. Will water suffice?"

He wants to ask what I'm doing in here, how I got in here, and why I'm helping him. But instead, he lowers his head. "If it ain't too much trouble, can I..." He flinches. "... please have some tea?"

It's no problem. I don't care. I'll even fix it for you. It's the least I can do. I creep out with that twisting in my chest, unable to fathom it. I can't do anything but drag myself through the motions, and try to make sense of it all. I can only hope we have something that will help you back to sleep. Only when you're asleep will I have any peace at all.

Well, you wanted me to think about it, but I don't have any answers. Is it true? Was this meant for me?

But I'll be patient. I'll watch over him. And I'll try my best to keep this unnameable feeling in my chest until I can find the words. As it stands, I have no words for it but these:  _'Please don't leave.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a little bit of art for this chapter. First, a cover from the last scene: http://tinyurl.com/louot4o
> 
> And a quick sketch of Kanzeon Bosatsu humiliating Sanzo which I, sadly, had no time to color. I also call this the "Ultimate Nope" moment: http://tinyurl.com/kofgqs3 Sorry it's unfinished. 
> 
> Until next time!


	13. 8B: You And All You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heavy discussions, and an extended hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter. Hands down. I don't know why it gets the pathos going for me, but it does. Enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: Saiyuki and its characters are not mine, and I do not profit from their use.

****8B: You and All You Are** **

It was October the second, and but a few minutes to midnight. Hakkai could hear creaking footsteps out in the hallway as he approached his inn room after a few drinks. For all the stress he'd been having over the past weeks, he needed a little time to himself sometimes. He knew he was not the only one bearing a heavy burden in the party, and he wouldn't say his was the heaviest, but when looked at objectively, he was bearing Gojyo's burden alongside or on top of his own. He also was feeling the weight of another burden, though one kept just out of his reach. It came into clear view when he saw Sanzo carrying a tray with a mug of tea and a few sugar packets from his room.

“Ah, Sanzo.” Hakkai smiled uneasily as he approached. “Were you thirsty?”

“He was ill.” Sanzo shrugged, and glanced down at the mug. “I offered to get him something to drink, since he'll make himself sicker without hydration.”

“You offered to help him?” Hakkai cocked his head, dumbstruck. Sanzo's brow evened into a thin line.

“Despite your perceptions, I am not entirely inhuman.” He shoved the tray towards Hakkai. “You give it to him. He probably needs your qigong anyway.” Hakkai caught the tray before Sanzo dropped it, and he pivoted away, already digging for his Marlboros.

“Ah, Sanzo, wait!” Hakkai balanced the tray on one hand and moved to chase him, but Sanzo stopped and half-turned back towards him. “What have you been trying to do?” Sanzo rose his eyebrow, but Hakkai held the tray close to his chest. “I don't mean to offend, but you seem to have been paying him special attention of late. What have you been hoping to gain?” Sanzo frowned at him, and lifted the cigarette to his lips.

“I suppose you could say I've been trying to get into his good graces.” He fished into his other sleeve pocket, and pulled out a silk packet. “Here.” He tossed it onto the tray. Hakkai lifted the packet up in his free hand and squeezed it.

“Limiters.” He could feel their energy already reacting with the limiters he already wore, and it began to make him feel lightheaded. “Potent, too.”

“I need to know if he needs them.” Sanzo held his hand out, and Hakkai dropped the packet back into it. “I'd rather not offend him, as he's been high-strung, but if I must attend the birth in order to prevent his...” Sanzo's brow wrinkled, lips drawn thin, but he managed to say the word: “His child... from going mad, then I would like to know.”

“I see. I suppose you, too, have been wondering about that.” Hakkai sighed softly, and looked down at the floor. Even the bright, clean hotel hallway seemed darker when these unfortunate topics came to light. Hakkai, however, looked up with a smile. “I will speak with him again. You must be tired. Why don't you get to sleep?”

“Hmph.” Sanzo whirled on his heel and headed in the other direction. Hakkai watched him abscond into his room without another word, and sighed with relief. The lights in the hallway turned off a moment later, as the automatic timer wired to them crossed the midnight hour. Sanzo may not have let him near the burden he bore, but Hakkai could sense it hanging over his head every hour of the day, anticipating the moment it might collide with his or that he might have to catch it if it fell. He put it out of his mind, and unlocked the door to his room. Gojyo was sitting up in the cushy, plush chair by the window, buried in the quilt from the bed up to his nose. Hakkai smiled and crouched near him.

“Sanzo made you some tea. Would you like sugar?”

“I'unno.” Gojyo pulled the blanket away from his mouth. “I want sugar, but I don't wanna taste it.”

“I see.” Hakkai was rather surprised; he was being oddly direct. He touched Gojyo's forehead, and could feel that he was slightly feverish. “Are you feeling unwell?”

“Uh-uh.” Gojyo paused. “Or uh-huh. Whichever one means I don't feel so hot.” Hakkai hummed in his throat, and put the cup in his lap.

“Drink up.” He smiled to himself as Gojyo took the cup in hand and took a sip. He seemed rather dazed; Hakkai imagined it was from the dehydration or hunger. He reached out to Gojyo's forehead. “A little testosterone boost should fix you right up.” He laid his finger between Gojyo's eye and sent a gentle pulse of chi through his channels, but felt something echo back. “Oh.” He withdrew his hand, lips parting in tacit surprise, and instead dug into his sash. “I still have some of those vitamins Yaone gave me.”

“Huh?” Gojyo frowned, as he pulled out the bottle and turned it to see the handwritten ingredient list.

“Ah, it does have Vitamin B6. More common for early pregnancy symptoms, but it's going to have to do.” He pulled the cork and tilted a pill out into his hand. “Take. You need something.”

“What's wrong with your qigong, bro?” Gojyo shifted the blanket down from his shoulders, rousing with concern.

“This is better for you now. Don't worry.” He smiled, poured the pill into Gojyo's palm, and closed his fingers around it. “Drink your tea, take your medicine, and try to get back to sleep.” He tilted his head down, and continued as Gojyo tried to muster a protest. “Is this chair comfortable?”

“Um-- yeah, I guess.” He glanced down, pulling the mug from where he'd balanced it on the arm back between his hands. “It, uh, it rocks a little.” He demonstrated by shifting his weight back, pushing himself back with his toes. The body of the chair tilted down. “If I do it a bunch, he,” Gojyo nodded downwards, “settles down.” He smiled a sleepy, silly grin, and set his head back. “So, yeah.”

“That's good.” Hakkai leaned back to glance at the exaggerated curvature of Gojyo's back. “Let me get you an extra pillow.”

“No, I'll be okay.” Gojyo settled back, and scooped up his mug again. “Putting somethin' there'll just make it worse.” He took a long swig and gulped down the medicine.

Hakkai watched, nodded in silent approval, and hoisted himself up onto the low drawer along the wall. “You know, I've wanted to ask you a few little questions. Just in preparation for the next few weeks.”

“Eh?”

“This may sound strange, but I need to know a few details in order to be prepared for the baby's arrival. And besides that, there's been some things irking me for some time.” Hakkai took out a small notepad. “If you don't want to answer, I won't push you. But I'd like to start from the top...”

The next night, after a day spent idle, Sanzo left Goku on guard duty, but instead of drinking with Hakkai, he took a short walk around the area their hotel was in. Something struck him as odd about the city- it was more like one of the cities he'd read about in books from the West. It was all stone streets and stone and brick buildings that came up to pointed roofs and steeples, and broad roads that were often criss-crossed with clotheslines aloft and the pointed shadows of the angular roofs. He knew for a fact that they had been connecting the dots between merchant cities, as the trade routes generally were the easiest and the most direct, but he hadn't seen one quite like this. It had a peaceful beauty to it at night, with windows lit by pale blue lamps and white candles, and the streets were quiet and empty. Sanzo made some effort to look like he was doing anything but trying to clear his mind, and busied his hands counting the beads of his rosary. The red wood felt cold in his hands, either from disuse, the falling temperature, or his own cold fingers. He would have enjoyed it, except the entire time he was outside, he had the strangest sensation that he was being watched. He sensed no youkai aura, only eyes on the back of his head, and all the shadows were pointing at him.

When it became too much for him, he returned to their inn. Hakkai was sitting at the top of the steps when he came in, reading what seemed to be a novel by the desk light the receptionist neglected to extinguish. He looked up when the door opened, and got to his feet. “Ah, Sanzo.” Sanzo raised one eyebrow, as if to say, _'You waited up for me?'_ Hakkai chuckled. “You wanted to talk?”

They made their way up to the room Sanzo and Goku were sharing. Sanzo snorted when he spotted Goku sitting against the wall, head nodding, snoring aloud. “At least he's still there.” Sanzo set a hand on his head and tilted it back to the wall, and his shoulders dropped. Hakkai giggled, as Sanzo then took hold of Goku's shoulders and shifted him in front of the door. Goku drooped slightly to the side, and Sanzo straightened him up. “Stay,” he muttered, which only garnered a snort in response. Hakkai laughed again, and beckoned him on.

Hakkai settled himself on Goku's bed, and Sanzo onto his own. "You, too, would like to have your questions answered," he started, in a plain, blunt manner. Sanzo nodded. “I had thought so. You have seemed to have more under the surface, and I'd be lying if I said I weren't somewhat gratified in being right. But then, you have always been an iceberg, haven't you?” He chuckled again, and Sanzo rolled his eyes. “You tried to ask him yourself, didn't you? The night he ran, and was taken.” Sanzo remained silent, but his hands clenched over the knees of his robe told Hakkai all he needed to know. “I thought so. I have wondered what your mind did about these things, but I suppose after that, you let it stew." Sanzo lit a fresh cigarette. Hakkai folded his hands over his knee. "Perhaps, at this juncture, we have different sets of information on the subject. I asked him the same thing you must have."

"And?"

"He would not admit anything." Hakkai took the notepad from inside his sash and showed that nothing was written down. "Not a number of partners, other than it was not a lot, not a date of conception nor even a range of dates, and certainly no identities.” Sanzo exhaled slowly, smoke billowing into a thin cloud around his lips. Hakkai lowered his eyes. “He at least assented when I informed him that I assumed he conceived in February. But, truthfully, I would not have expected him to name names or count fingers, especially if the number is as low as you say it is. "

"He's lying." Sanzo lit a new cigarette and fumed with the smoke escaping his nose. "He just doesn't want us to know just how immoral he is."

Instead of rebuking him, Hakkai giggled, and Sanzo narrowed his eyes. "You know, I have always had a theory about cigarette smokers." He paused, letting Sanzo glare at him, daring him to go on. "I theorize that people smoke cigarettes to avoid dealing with their emotions."

"You're wrong. I smoke because I like to smoke." Sanzo inhaled the smoke through his flaring nostrils and sighed it out, and Hakkai giggled again.

"I based it more on Gojyo, though I find it interesting that you immediately assumed I was thinking about you.” Sanzo bit the butt of the cigarette, but he caught the broken end before it could singe the sheets. Hakkai didn't seem to notice, gesturing gently with one hand and gazing into the floor as he explained: “He used to smoke more than you did, and he's only stopped because I forced him. I have no doubt he's been taking yours when I wasn't looking, though I don't expect you to count them and check, but he certainly has had to decrease." Hakkai glanced up to ensure Sanzo was still listening, but he was peering into his cigarette box. He held a laugh in his throat, and Sanzo snapped back to attention. He smiled and met Sanzo's eyes. "I bring it up because, frankly, pregnancy is a very emotional thing. Even a normal, female carriage can result in mood swings due to shifting hormones, ranging from soaring highs to deep lows. We've only seen the lows lately, perhaps because of his increased estrogen, but I honestly believe this may be some of the man underneath.”

Hakkai looked at his hands, then to the few scars visible on the backs of Sanzo's hands. “He's been hurt, the same as any of us have been hurt. I cover mine in my ways, you in yours, and he in his. He wants us to think he's shallow, a lecher, even heartless, but all his defenses are down and he's being revealed for what he is:" Hakkai smiled knowingly, gazing straight into Sanzo's face. "Afraid to love, and afraid of rejection. Meaningless sex filled his yearning for acceptance, if only temporarily, but now he must deal with the consequences." Sanzo voided the eye contact, as Hakkai sighed softly and turned his gaze back down to the floor. "I believe him, Sanzo, when he says he only slept with one man. How could you expect him to love a woman after all he went through? He fell in love, and he was rejected, and the goddess Kannon decided to open his heart with something he had to love."

"I think you're wrong," Sanzo replied, unable to look at Hakkai at all. "Who do you think he slept with?"

"Well, since he doesn't want to tell us, I can only conclude it's someone one of us knows." Hakkai shrugged his shoulders loosely. "But I don't know. For all we know, it could be one of our enemies- perhaps even Kougaiji. It would explain why Kougaiji spirited him away and wanted so much to keep him. And if I am wrong, it's considerably more sinister."

“What?” Sanzo frowned.

“The only other explanation for his secrecy, not to mention his depression- and this is all speculation- is that he was violated.”

“What?!” The surprise in Sanzo's voice took Hakkai aback.

“Surely it's crossed your mind- especially with his initial rejection of the child.” He straightened his spine as Sanzo's shoulders stiffened. “If he was taken advantage of or forced, he would be too ashamed to tell us. His behaviors all point directly to it- he was hurt, and badly.”

“I would never-!” Sanzo's fists clenched, and he bit his tongue and looked away. “I would never have thought he'd let himself be taken advantage of.”

“It's not a matter of letting it happen. You surely saw some of the bruises he had in February, right around when he started drinking himself stupid until we had to stop him.” Hakkai lowered his eyes. “It's something of a darker notion of mine, but perhaps a god descended from the Heavens and forced his hand. It would explain why he insists the child is 'a gift for its father.' Far-fetched, but it's crossed my mind more than once.” Hakkai let his eyes slip shut. “But I can understand why you'd deny it. You would surely blame yourself if something had happened to him, as you are, after all, the leader of this party. That's what you were going to say, isn't it?” Sanzo's fingernails dug in on his palms, as Hakkai spelled it out: “'You would never let that happen.'”

"Think what you like." Sanzo muttered. He released his clenched hands and looked Hakkai dead on. "You have given me no answers."

Hakkai smiled sadly. "I have none for you. Gojyo is determined to keep his secrets." He folded his hands on his knee. "I suppose, in a way, I expected you to have some for me. So, I'll ask you. What do you know?" They were silent. Sanzo dragged a hand across his face, and slouched sideways with his face towards the floor. Hakkai folded his ankle over his knee. “If you have nothing to say, then at least say so.” There was nothing Hakkai could do but wait for Sanzo to speak, and Sanzo could say nothing. Finally, Hakkai spoke again, only to say, "I suppose we're done." Sanzo heard the floorboards creak from the hallway, and Hakkai sprang to his feet, bounded past the beds, and threw the door wide. "You're up!"

"Do you expect me to sleep with all your yammering?" Gojyo grumbled, turning away from the light, but Hakkai giggled. Sanzo turned and tilted his head into the darkened hallway- Goku had completely slouched to the floor, and Gojyo had pushed him out of the way.

“Useless monkey,” he grumbled to himself, as Hakkai gasped.

"My, let me have a look at you!" He yanked Gojyo into the full light of the room, and Gojyo and Sanzo both flinched when they saw each other.

For Gojyo, it was perhaps shock that Sanzo and Hakkai were talking, but for Sanzo, it was the manner in which Gojyo was clothed. There was no mistaking a dress. It was long-sleeved with a square neckline, black one with white lace accents, and shaped for maternity to fall in pintucks and pleats over the smooth, rounded swell of his middle. The skirt may have landed on the floor for a woman of average height, but it hovered around his ankles. He'd somehow conjured a false bosom to fill out the top, though Sanzo imagined he'd be out of luck if he wanted to wipe his face or nose later in the night. His hair was tied up in a high, neat ponytail, his headband off, and he wore some makeup on his face to hide his scars and brighten his lips and eyes. Even so, his disguise was scarcely convincing. He looked immensely indignant as Hakkai paced a close circle around him, and he wasn't holding himself like a woman as he clenched his fists, hunched his shoulders, and ground his teeth. "Relax, stand naturally." Gojyo shivered as Hakkai gently rubbed his lower back, and he relaxed his shoulders and folded his hands around his belly. Sanzo noticed that he was barefoot, and realized that even the slippers he had were uncomfortable with his feet as swollen as they were. However, with shy feet turned slightly inwards, shoulders down and face relaxed, Gojyo passed for a woman, if an Amazonian one. Hakkai picked up some of the folds of the skirt, examining it. "Where did you get this?"

"Borrowed it," Gojyo muttered, looking away from Hakkai. Sanzo vaguely recognized it, thinking it may have looked like one on a mannequin at the stand where Gojyo had gotten the rest of his clothes. He chose not to mention this, as Hakkai giggled spiritedly.

"And why are you dolled up so nicely?"

Gojyo folded his arms and glared at the wall. "Bro, we've been cooped up for like a week here. I've barely even gotten out of bed.” He turned his surly gaze to Hakkai. “We ain't movin' for whatever reason, and you an' Goku're always hanging over me. Long story short, I wanted to get some air. Alone." He scowled and turned his glare to the floor. "But you recognized me, so it's out."

"Oh, that's why you're dressed up! You don't want your brother or the like to approach you. I see." Hakkai folded his arms and scratched his cheek in thought. "Well, I could go with you-"

Gojyo groaned, cutting him off. "I just want to be alone!" He folded his arms immaturely, still scowling. "You're always hovering over me lately! I get that you're worried, but god damn it, I need some time to myself!" He pulled his hair loose. “If you're gonna come with me, I ain't-”

"Shut up.” Sanzo jumped to his feet and turned to face him. “You want to go, you're going, and I'm going with you." Gojyo's jaw hung slack, as Sanzo removing his robe and holy attire, and stuffed his sutra into his back pocket.

“Hey- wait-”

"A perfect solution." Hakkai clapped his hands together and smiled. "I will not hover over you. Sanzo shall." Gojyo moved his tongue to form a protest, then clenched his jaw shut and looked away, narrowed eyes betraying his increasing annoyance.

"Fine. Just as long as he doesn't bother me."

“I need some sort of disguise too.” Sanzo glanced to Hakkai, who dug into his duffel and withdrew a plain black haori, and he tugged it on over his undershirt and pants. He tried to push his bangs down over the shakra on his forehead, but with little success. “Fine. Whatever.” He grabbed his sandals and slid them on, then glanced to Hakkai. “Don't wait up.”

Hakkai seemed ready to protest, but at the still-growing look of irritation on Gojyo's face, he relented. “I suppose I'm fairly tired. Just don't stay out too late.” He got to his feet and tugged the sides of Gojyo's skirt into place. “Please, at least get your shoes on, and don't exhaust yourself.”

“I'll be fine.” Gojyo pushed his hand away, and turned for the door.

After retrieving Gojyo's shoes, the pair ventured down the stairs and out the door, maintaining a few paces' distance between them. Sanzo held the door as they reached it, and Gojyo moved past him without a word or even a second look. In the open air, Gojyo immediately shivered, and folded his arms to brace himself from the cold. Sanzo could feel the chill on his arms, and glanced to him. “You wanna go get your jacket?” Gojyo said nothing, but crossed the road, arms still folded tight, and started to walk. Sanzo stayed on his own side of the street, tucked his hands into his pockets, and shuffled along at his own pace.

Gojyo hadn't had much opportunity to move, leaving him weak, and he was slowed by the weight that shifted his center of balance. Sanzo had to deliberately walk slower than his usual stride, but he matched Gojyo's walking pace, though on his own side, leaving the two parallel. Gojyo sulked and looked down, between the moldings of the buildings beside him and the brick curbstones, and Sanzo kept his eyes focused straight ahead, his face void of emotion. Neither noticed when one would glance up and over at the other. Their presence in the street made the atmosphere of the clear, cloudless night heavy with their tacit tension; their thoughts tangible, but unreadable. However, after a few minutes of silence, walking side by side but meters apart, they both looked up to one another at the same time, their eyes meeting. Gojyo promptly looked down and away, but Sanzo crossed the road to join him and follow at his heels. Gojyo picked up his pace, and Sanzo matched it.

“Where are you going?”

“This way.” Gojyo vaguely gestured with one hand, not turning around, and Sanzo took a firm step closer.

"You bought this dress well in advance, anticipating disguising yourself. Don't pretend anything less. Where do you really want to go?"

"Where the hell do I have to go?" Gojyo scowled at the ground- or tried and failed, his view obscured- his tone sullen and dejected. "You think I'm going to run away? Where the hell would I go?"

"Back to your brother." Sanzo spat on the ground and cast eyes behind him briefly, and Gojyo scoffed, his breath a mist in the cold night air.

"Why would I do that? I don't want him to take care of me.” Gojyo gripped his elbows tight in his palms. “I don't want to be a damned science experiment for those taboo-breaking bastards. I'm not going anywhere. I don't have anywhere to go. At all." Sanzo frowned, as Gojyo hung his head and stopped in place. He stopped behind him, waiting for him to do something, though he wasn't sure what. He knew that tone well by now- it was the same sulky tone with which he admonished himself on a nightly basis.

Sanzo tilted his head around Gojyo's shoulder to look at his face, but couldn't read his expression: eyebrows knit, lips pursed and thin, and shadows filling the hollows in his cheeks. It came to him- contemplation. He stepped back, giving Gojyo room to think, and whipped a cigarette from his coat pocket. In the same motion, with his lighter in the same hand, the cigarette's tip blazed into embers, and he inhaled and exhaled a comforting veil of smoke. Halfway from the tip to the butt, Sanzo noticed Gojyo staring at him intently, and turned his body so he couldn't see the cigarette. Gojyo turned his head away, hanging his head in dejection. Sanzo could hear the sniffing sounds behind his hidden head.

"Stop crying," Sanzo growled, and resisted the urge to chew his cigarette in half.

Gojyo seemed to catch his breath, and turned his eyes back towards him. "I'm not. Just, it smells good." Sanzo saw that Gojyo's eyes were focused on the cigarette, and decoded that he was intently sniffing the smoke.

“Ah.” Sanzo glanced between Gojyo and the cigarette. He slowly dropped his arms, and gazed on the glowing ash forming at the apex of Sanzo's fingers. Sanzo seemed to debate taking another drag and dropping it. “Someone once told me...” He started, but realized the story would give Gojyo no comfort. Instead, Sanzo thought about what Hakkai had said, and offered the half-finished cigarette to him with his eyes cast up and away. "Here. If it'll make you quit pouting. Don't tell Hakkai."

Gojyo met Sanzo's eyes, his face set with shock, and seemed to debate whether or not he was dreaming. Unable to resist, he took the cigarette in trembling fingers. Sanzo stood back and averted his eyes, watching the moon in its slow traverse of the sky. Gojyo took the cigarette between his lips and inhaled its scent deeply, and sucked the end. It had been so, so long. The taste of a cigarette, even a nasty brand like Sanzo's, was a relief. Even better, he could taste Sanzo on it, though it was overshadowed by the smell of burning tar and the sensation of nicotine. He dragged deeper, desperate for that taste. He exhaled the smoke, but it escaped in a whimper and he clamped his hand over his mouth to try and silence himself. Sanzo noticed, but said nothing.

Gojyo took another deep drag off the cigarette, and this time he got a full mouthful of Sanzo. He rolled Sanzo's flavor in his mouth with the smoke. He wanted and hated that taste: the savory, bitter flavor of Sanzo's tongue. Old paper, sunlight, incense, and earth. He dragged the ember into the filter, and hissed when it burned his lips. Sanzo watched as Gojyo dropped the butt and nudged it into the gutter with the toe of his slipper.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" Gojyo shook his head and buried his eyes in his palm. He gazed away, down the road, past the spindly buildings and over the mountains in the distance. "Priest Sanzo, can I have a moment alone?"

"No." Sanzo couldn't imagine why Gojyo was invoking his questionable title, but he didn't like it. "I won't leave you alone.” He crossed the shadows in their path, lowering his volume. “If you're going to cry like a woman, you might as well do it now. You look enough like one." Sanzo leaned against the wall and pulled out a fresh cigarette. Gojyo slid his hand down his face and shook his head, knees unlocking, shoulders drooping.

"I'm not going to cry.” He wrinkled his nose and drew his lips thin, though Sanzo wasn't convinced- he could still see the tears gathering in the whites of his eyes. “And if even I was, I wouldn't let you watch." Gojyo turned around to face him. "You have no idea how much I hate this."

"You hate having feelings." Sanzo corrected him, turning his eyes aside. Hakkai's words drifted back into his mind again. "Anything other than bravado and smugness is out of your element, makes your guts squirm. This has wrested and racked your thick façade for months. I can see you for what you are. That's what you hate." The pair let their eyes meet, and held in a lingering stare. Sanzo could feel everything inside of Gojyo for that split second- pain, anger, resentment, sorrow. Gojyo couldn't read Sanzo at all- he never could, and he no longer wanted to try. He'd had a taste, and that was enough.

**(Suggested Track: “Shiny,” by The Decemberists)**

Gojyo broke their gaze, biting his lip, and turned on his heel, gathered his dress under him, and swept back in the opposite direction. Sanzo gave chase as he trundled back towards their hostel. Sanzo was quick, and Gojyo tried to run, but the moment he got any speed, he groaned and stopped. He clutched his belly, and Sanzo could see a shudder run down his spine all the way to his feet. His knees buckled, and Sanzo grabbed his elbows. "Hey-"

"N-no, let go of me.” Gojyo flailed behind him to push him away, as Sanzo tried to help him to his feet.

"You're in labor."

"No, shut up," Gojyo growled, giving a glare that channeled Sanzo's too much for his liking. "It's just a cramp, I can't move fast like that-"

"Then don't." Sanzo wrapped his arms around Gojyo, but stopped as his hands landed on his stuffed bust. His upper lip curled as a soft grunt surged through his throat, and he reached into Gojyo's top and tore the stuffing out, leaving a wad of tissues in the gutter. He then caught Gojyo up in his grasp and held him upright. Gojyo grunted in pain and irritation, but he let Sanzo support his weight for a moment. Sanzo wrapped one arm around his shoulders, then swept one arm under his knees and caught Gojyo's back in his other hand, securing him in a bridal carry.

“Hey!” Gojyo flailed as Sanzo hooked his hands around his knees and under his arm. “Put me down, asshole, or I-”

“You shouldn't be walking around like this.” Sanzo's arms shook from the weight, but he kept his hold. “If you're having pain, you need to rest. Put your arms around my neck.”

Gojyo's cheeks flushed crimson, darker than his hair or eyes, but his hands crept up past Sanzo's collarbone and fastened around the back of his neck. “Uh, thanks.” He looked down, and Sanzo hitched him up slightly higher to his chest and turned back towards their hostel. He glanced over his shoulder, still feeling the sensation of being watched. He was right this time- two sets of eyes vanished into the darkness the moment he looked. Still, he said nothing to Gojyo, facing forward and holding him tighter.

_Nobody will touch you if I'm around._

Gojyo felt weak and childish, but Sanzo's grip was firm, yet safe. He carried him, unwavering and refusing to stop, all the way back to their inn. He managed to get the front door open with his knee, then carried him over the threshold and up the steps. Goku was still asleep in the hallway, and no light shone under Hakkai's door. Sanzo had to finally set Gojyo down to open the door, but set a hand on his back to urge him towards the bed. Gojyo shook his head.

“This ain't my room.”

“Just lay down.” Sanzo shut the door behind them, stepped back, and lit a cigarette. Gojyo reluctantly kicked his shoes off, and yanked his dress up his legs by the side seam. “Do you need help out of that thing?”

“No, I got-” Gojyo started to try and lift the lower hem over his head, but grunted as he tried to bend at the waist. “Shit.” Sanzo slipped up behind him and yanked the dress up over Gojyo's head. Gojyo groaned, but pulled the frock the rest of the way off and tossed it onto the chair, and Sanzo got a look at his bare form for the first time in more than three months.

Gojyo crossed the room towards the closer bed, stretching his arms behind his head, as Sanzo traced the extreme concave curve of his back with his eyes. Thin white lines, a spider's web or long, thin scratches, striped the sand-beige skin on his belly and the sides of his breasts. Sanzo had caught a glimpse of a thicker, dark line that delineated the center just above and below the navel- strange, but clearly natural. From behind, when Gojyo fully turned from him, his middle curved out from his waistline, supported by widened hips. Sanzo almost wanted to catch him again as he sized up Gojyo's legs in comparison to the burden they upheld. It was clear from his each tense motion that all the muscles holding him up were at their limit, made even clearer as his knees buckled and he seated himself on the bed. “Come on, k-” Sanzo heard Gojyo start his usual line of conversation with the baby, but stopped as he looked up towards Sanzo. Sanzo tossed his finished cigarette into the ashtray, and lit another.

“You're still in pain, aren't you?” He joined Gojyo at the bedside, and seated himself beside the head of the bed. Gojyo rested his hands on his middle, and Sanzo watched his blank face over the bump. He was making every effort to keep his face straight as his fingers roved over the strained muscles in his midsection, but Sanzo could tell he was searching for the kicking, thrashing creature within and finding nothing. “Are you sure you're not in labor?”

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'd be screaming for Hakkai if I was. Why? Think it's too soon for it to be yours?" Gojyo glared up at the ceiling, sarcasm biting at Sanzo in every syllable. "And yeah.” His snark dissolved into dejection. “If it comes now, then it's too early. Shouldn't be due for another month."

"Whatever you say." Sanzo rose to his feet, glancing at Gojyo again. He let his gaze linger as he crossed the room, from the door to the side of the bed, and when Gojyo looked back at his eyes, he could see a tender center where there had only been stone before- or was it just his imagination? He pulled the fire down through his cigarette, and vaguely remembered something Hakkai had said. “When, exactly?”

“I'unno. I guess forty weeks from when we slept together- unless you still don't believe me.” He sighed. “Ask Hakkai.”

“I have. He doesn't know.”

“Why were you asking-”

“Because I need to know when we'll need to stop.” Sanzo betrayed a soft frown. “Why didn't you tell him when you thought you conceived?”

“'Cause of that piece of paper in your robe.” Gojyo ran his hand down his face. “That'll break the contract, won't it?” Sanzo held his tongue for a moment.

“But you're close. You know that for sure.” Sanzo dragged on his cigarette again, still looking at Gojyo down the narrow white roll. “You're going to need help. Why were you trying to run away?”

“I wasn't-”

"You were. Why else would you want to be alone, in your state?” Sanzo sighed out a cloud of smoke. “You're running away. It seems like that's all you do- first running away from the child, then from me, then from everything.” Gojyo hung his head, as Sanzo fixed his gaze on him. “Ever since I lay with you, you've been slowly dying. When you aren't smiling, you look like a corpse.”

Gojyo hissed under his breath, as Sanzo repeated the insult from when they were sleeping together. “You bastard-”

“If you run away now, you really will end up a corpse.” Sanzo folded his arms, and Gojyo felt a wrench twist in his heart. “Do you want to die?"

"Do you really want to pretend to care how I feel?" Gojyo tipped a rebellious glare up at Sanzo.

"No." Sanzo tapped the cigarette, letting the smoke drift like incense around them.

"Will you let me go back to my bed?" Gojyo put his palms on the edge of the bed, ready to rise, but Sanzo bent at the waist and planted his hands over Gojyo's.

"No." Sanzo brought his face closer to Gojyo's, the same calm, even expression showing even deeper tenderness in the reflected moonlight. Gojyo was fully taken aback, both by this and by the softly spoken words that followed: "I'm going to help put you to sleep." He pressed a kiss onto Gojyo's forehead and brought his navel close to Gojyo's, his chest towards his. Gojyo leaned back, and Sanzo wrapped his arms around Gojyo's shoulders and continued forward. One hand settled itself on his belly, slowly massaging the tense muscles. Gojyo grunted softly, but as Sanzo shifted his mouth over his, he pushed his head up to kiss him back. Sanzo's lips fit between his, a key in a lock that unlocked his stiff elbows, and Sanzo drew his back down to the bed and straddled over his hips.

Gojyo winced as Sanzo settled over him and ran a palm over his contours, from his collarbone down over his breast and stomach. He hooked his thumb into the hollow at his hip, and moved his other hand to match. Gojyo squinted his eyes shut as Sanzo massaged his hips, hands drifting towards his pubic bone. Gojyo held in a gasp as Sanzo's hand shifted, and he cupped his cock in his palm.

“What're you do-”

**(Suggested Track: “Heart's on Fire,” Scars on 45, to end of chapter)**

“You need this, don't you?” Sanzo's mouth was dry from controlling his breath, but he licked his lips and screamed mental insults to his own manhood, begging it to be silent. “You said you couldn't sleep unless you had sex. You haven't slept in ages. Let me help you.”

He rolled down the top of Gojyo's boxer shorts and clasped his hand around his slowly-hardening rod. He stroked it, slowly, gripping the shaft firmly and squeezing as he came close to the tip. Gojyo didn't react- worse than that, Sanzo could feel him soften. He tilted his head up to look him in the face. Gojyo's right hand was stuffed in his mouth, fingers between his teeth, and the left plunged his fingernails into his breast, his eyes forced shut, and he was shaking his head side to side frantically. Sanzo removed his hand to break his silence.

“Sanzo, please- I can't.” He swallowed hard. “I'll make noise. Too much noise. I can't move my body the way I should- I'm sore and stiff and-” He gasped for air, as Sanzo released him. He couldn't believe the next word out of his mouth: “No.” He exhaled slowly, and Sanzo got up to his feet.

"I won't, then." Sanzo circled around to the other side of the bed. Gojyo winced as Sanzo' body landed behind him. "I don't think you're capable of sex in this state anyway." Gojyo felt the bed rock as Sanzo stretched out in a prone position, and laced his fingers together over his midsection, staring anxiously at the floor and digging his toes into the carpet. There was silence and stillness, until Sanzo reached up from behind and touched his shoulder. “Will you at least lay down?”

Without a word of protest, Gojyo swung his legs up onto the bed, and lay down flat on his back. He winced as the weight settled on his lower back, and rolled onto his left side. He curled his legs back like he usually did, but froze when his big toe touched Sanzo's leg. He withdrew, but Sanzo turned onto his side as well.

“Will you let me do this, at least?” He slung one arm under Gojyo's and onto his breast, then lay his other hand on the side of his belly. Gojyo shivered as Sanzo's cold hands started to warm up on his skin. “You asked me to do this before.”

“It made your skin crawl.”

“That doesn't matter. You wanted it.” Sanzo traced a few small circles on his breast. “Do you want it now?”

Gojyo nodded, though Sanzo couldn't see. He wasn't sure why he wanted it, but when Sanzo pulled in close to him, locking his knees in behind his, wrapping his arms around his chest, he didn't need to understand. It felt so nice to feel his bare chest on his back, to feel and smell his breath across his cheek. However, what should have been calming and relaxing was driving Gojyo to dizziness.

_He's close to me. He's touching me. He's not complaining. I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe he's doing this. It's my lucky night. I feel like my heart could explode._

After a few moments of their embrace, Sanzo cupped his hands around Gojyo's underbelly, lacing his fingers where they met, and Gojyo's breath started to come only in short gasps. His heart was pounding too hard for anything else. Sanzo seemed to notice, and squeezed just a little harder.

“Are you alright?” Gojyo nodded again, and Sanzo's palm slid up to his chest. “You, too.”

“Huh?” Gojyo tried to look at him, but couldn't shift himself around without breaking Sanzo's hold.

“It's nothing.” Sanzo's hand moved back down to his belly, and pressed themselves into the thin stripe of hair just above his pubic bone. “You...”

“I'm gonna owe you, aren't I?” Gojyo bit his lip, and he felt like his heart was disintegrating.

“Shh.” Sanzo pressed his nose onto Gojyo's shoulder and plunged it into his hair. Gojyo shivered. For a fleeting second, Sanzo felt like a lover against his back. “Say goodnight to it.”

“It?”

“Him. Her. You don't know, and I'd rather not offend by calling it the wrong pronoun.” Gojyo felt a chill run down his back, as something began to click inside of him.

"Sanzo, please, don't listen to me for the next minute. You don't want to hear it. This is just gonna piss you off." Sanzo didn't respond, and Gojyo took this as a sign to go ahead. He folded his hands over Sanzo's and glanced down to his midsection. "I've decided for good now. If you're a boy, I wanna name you Yohei. If you're a girl, I'm gonna call you Kana. I don't care what happens to me, your Daddy's gonna love you like hell." He closed his eyes meditatively, waiting for the baby to respond, and groaned as he felt a twisting, somersaulting movement inside of him. Sanzo's hands pressed in- he must have felt it too, Gojyo thought- and the baby stopped shifting, though Gojyo could feel its feet pressing down against his ribs. It didn't have enough room to turn; it was just far too cramped, even with all the space. "Damn, you're just too big. I feel like an overstuffed pillow.” He laughed under his breath. “What am I even talking about? I don't know how I'm gonna survive this. I don't even know how you'll be born."

"No doubt, the goddess will provide for your labor." Sanzo nuzzled his nose against his ear. Gojyo closed his eyes and smiled.

_That was actually, genuinely sweet. Priestly, even. And I heard him say it. Lucky, lucky me._

For that moment, Gojyo didn't care that he could never talk about how he felt when he and Sanzo lay beside each other. He didn't care that he was only in Sanzo's arms because he pitied him. He didn't care that Sanzo would never accept his child or him. He didn't care that his heart ached and his soul writhed when Sanzo touched him, or that he was hungry to taste him every second of every day. For this second, this fragment of the universe was perfect to him, and he could sleep.

* * *

 

How many times have I lied to you? How many times have I lied to everybody about you? How many times did I deny myself you, did I look you in the eyes and deny you? How many times have I spit on your heels and at your back? What have I done to you?

_He nuzzles his head on the pillow, closer to me, his back pressing against my belly. I catch him and hold him, drawing him in. Yes, I want you here._

I am a monster, so they say. I always have been. They look at me, and they whisper that I have the eyes of a youkai. Your every reaction tells me the same- I'm a monster, I'm the one who hurt you, I'm the one who's done this to you. I hit you and screamed at you and insulted you, and you took it all because you thought you had to. You didn't have to, but you let me hurt you. I let myself, and that's just as disgusting as the sensation I get whenever you turn away from me.

_His body is so warm in my arms. I hold him tighter as he shifts again. How are you so nice to touch?_

I've been called a monster before, that and worse. I look at myself differently. I'm a rat. I cling on the outskirts of life, gnawing on the remnants of corpses, jumping from crumb to crumb and building a throne on the backs of those I must use. Why, with you, with the others, can I not simply ignore you and forget that you, too, have a heart to break? I am a King of Rats, and you…

_You belong here, your skin against mine._

You are buried under your scars. You are wrapped in the torment of your fate. You are mourning things you didn't know you could lose. You are a lover of murderers, a brother to monkeys, and so foolish you don't know how wise you are. You decide your every motion on card games and dice rolls, you jump between luck and misfortune, hanging by a noose and dancing around the trapdoor. You scrape the borders of hopelessness with your fingernails, telling your dreams to go fuck themselves all while achieving them in every step you take. I envy that in you, so much that I wish I could tear your throat out sometimes. You were almost killed for existing, and I wonder why you even choose to survive.

_He snores. I don't think he did before, but he does now. I don't mind. I'm content to hear you breathing._

The difference between us is that you refuse to survive. You live. No matter how dead you look, you live, even if you think you have no reason to. You are a rat like I am, but at the same time, you're the god of yourself and the temples in distant India shall set out bowls of milk for your kin, kith, brethren, and children.

Heavy lies the head that wears the crown, but hold your head up high. You can still do that, can't you? I got you to smile, so at least I know you're still alive. I haven't made a corpse of you yet, no matter how hard I used to try. With that, I won't do it anymore, but it won't make up for all I did. So go ahead. Break our contract. I don't deserve to speak to you ever again. I shouldn't have you. Just let me keep you for tonight.

_With my nose to the back of his head, his hair smells like cloves and cinnamon. I've never noticed before. Don't move your head. Don't- please don't move. Settle back in my arms. I've got you._

In this fragment of the universe, at this moment in time, there is no wrong, only right; nothing is your fault and there is nothing I can blame you for. There is no pain, only pressure to form diamonds. You live in an eternal afterglow of something that should never have happened, and I thank whatever there is to thank that I'm in your presence right now. You don't need me here, and I don't deserve to be. In this moment of space and time, there is only you and all you are, the life within you, the life I never deserved.

_You too, little one. Can you feel my hand here, cradling you where you lie? Your father has you._

I'm lucky to be here. Lucky, lucky me. What the fuck is wrong with me?

 


	14. 8C: Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end is near...

**Disclaimer:** The characters of Saiyuki are still not mine. Otherwise, I'd have a lot more stories.

* * *

  **8C: Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown**

When morning came, Gojyo and Sanzo woke up as paradoxically as they had fallen asleep: Sanzo as the big spoon, Gojyo as the little spoon. Gojyo woke first, disturbed by the motion inside him as the baby woke to the dawning sun. He looked behind him, over his shoulder, and realized the situation he'd woken up in. He tried to pull away from Sanzo, who still had his arm draped over him and clasped around his breast. Sanzo was scarcely asleep, his breathing shallow, and his eyes opened. He removed his hands, and released him.

Gojyo carefully sat up, and his head dropped. Sanzo reached for him, but he brushed his hand aside. "M'just nauseous. Don't..." Sanzo pulled his hand away, and Gojyo turned his body off the bed and rose to his feet. "I'm going back to my bed before Hakkai catches me here."

"Your room key is in my sleeve." Sanzo grasped the sheet in his hands, staring down into his lap. Gojyo pulled the discarded dress from the chair and held it over his chest. He dipped his hand into the sleeve of Sanzo's robe. He could feel the contract against his hand, but grasped his key and pulled it out. The paper slid against his skin, and a thin red line formed where it cut into him- just enough to feel it, just enough to leave a mark.

He turned back to Sanzo as he reached the door, breathless already. Sanzo hadn't moved, staring down at the bed sheet. Gojyo bowed at the waist as best as he could, and left. Sanzo said nothing.

Gojyo crept across the hall and over Goku, who still slept against the wall. He carefully slipped back into the room, past Hakkai who was sleeping soundly, and settled on the empty bed. He threw the dress over the chair, then got onto his bed. He punched the pillow a few times, rustled the sheets, then flopped onto his side. He set one hand on his middle and closed his eyes, feeling the tiny heart beating inside of him. He could still imagine the warmth of Sanzo's hand under his.

_I got what I wanted. It was nice. Never again._

Hakkai woke twenty minutes later, promptly bound from his bed and stretched, then pivoted on his heel. Gojyo was still flat on his side, eyes shut tight. "You almost look comfy." He smiled, and Gojyo opened one eye. He sat down on the edge of the bed. "And how did you sleep?"

"I slept." Gojyo sat up slightly and propped one elbow under him to keep himself up.

"Unusual for you, nowadays." Hakkai tapped his cheek with an inquisitive smile, leveling his eyes at him.

Gojyo shrugged, glancing at the grooves his feet had left in the carpet not twenty minutes prior. "Got pretty tired walking."

"That's good! You do need your sleep." Hakkai beamed, and offered a hand. "Need a hand to your feet?"

"Nah, let me go at my own pace." Gojyo grunted and turned his body aside. "I guess I gotta eat in here again?"

"Unless you'd rather eat out in the open, then yes." Hakkai's smile dissolved at the edges. "Would you like to put the dress back on and-"

"No." Gojyo shoved the sheet away and hoisted himself to his feet. He groaned as his weight settled in his feet. "I'm just gonna stretch first. You, uh, you don't mind getting it, right?" He rose his brow to Hakkai, who nodded.

"Requests? Pickles? Kimchi?"

"Uh..." Gojyo's face blanked, and he slouched over, one hand cradled under his middle. "I don't want those things. I'm really not so hungry."

Hakkai tilted his head and edged a step closer to Gojyo. "I know the baby's pressing down on your stomach, but you still need to try." He set his hand beside Gojyo's, but Gojyo flinched back. "I'm... I'm sorry." Hakkai withdrew, and Gojyo relaxed from his cringe. "I thought you were used to it. May I touch?"

"Please don't." Gojyo turned his body away, and Hakkai's hands fell flat to his sides.

"Let me go wake the others." Hakkai turned around, lowering his head as his mood fell through the floor. Gojyo held his hands against the front of his belly, closing his eyes; he tried to wipe away the sensation of Hakkai's touch and revive his memory of Sanzo's hands beside his. Hakkai couldn't fathom it, but he didn't want to push the subject any further.

Goku was still asleep against the wall, mouth open wide enough to catch flies and shirt riding up his ribcage, and Hakkai crouched beside him. He gave his shoulder a light push. "Goku, this is not your bed."

"Eh?" Goku opened his eyes, squinting at him. He looked around. "Oh, that's right- I'm on guard duty. Are you back so I can go to bed?"

"You-" Hakkai lifted a finger to wag, then dropped it. "Yes. Yes, I'm back. You do realize it's morning, right?"

"Oh, it is!" Goku jumped to his feet. "You were out a while, huh?" Hakkai chuckled, and put his hand over his eyes.

"Why don't you go bathe and get changed into your clean clothes?"

"Sure thing!" Goku jumped up and scampered down the hall to the showers at the end of the hall, stripping as he ran and leaving his clothes in heaps behind him. Hakkai smiled blithely at his backside as it turned the corner, then went across the hall. He knocked once, and heard an immediate response:

"It's unlocked. Come in."

Hakkai pushed the door open, to see Sanzo sitting up in bed, staring out the window and smoking a cigarette- his usual morning routine, though he looked more pensive than usual. He closed the door behind him. "Is something on your mind?"

"This." Sanzo reached for the bedside table and held up a small, folded-over piece of paper. Hakkai crossed the room and settled on the edge of the bed. "I convinced him to confess to me when he slept with his one admitted partner."

"You did what?!" Hakkai's jaw fell, as Sanzo lowered his head. "You- you badgered him into-"

"No, he admitted it quite readily." Sanzo glanced up, eyes dark. "He was at a point of emotional weakness, so no, it was not fair for me to needle him, but he didn't resist."

"Why wouldn't he tell me, then?" Hakkai slowly turned his head away; he didn't seem to be asking Sanzo.

"I'm not sure." Sanzo held the paper out between his fingers. "I wrote down his answer. Do you want to know or-" Before he could ask if Hakkai would be uncomfortable taking it from him, the paper was out of his hand and open in Hakkai's palm. Hakkai recognized Sanzo's handwriting immediately- easy to read and clear. The ink smeared under his thumb, but Hakkai didn't seem to notice that it was still wet.

"February..." Hakkai swiped the pen from the bedside table and scribbled a few things down. "November the second to the eleventh." He double-checked his work. "That's the best estimate I can make with this range. So, we're twenty-nine days away from week forty." He smiled, clearly relieved. "My estimate was only a week off- thank goodness. And this puts us just eight days from the thirty-seven week mark."

"Why is that significant?" Sanzo frowned, as he extinguished his Marlboro on the wall.

"The baby will have reached respiratory maturity, meaning it will be safe for Gojyo to go into labor." Hakkai clenched his fists to his chest, nigh giddy with excitement. Sanzo cocked a brow, and Hakkai looked him straight on to clarify: "That means his or her lungs will be big enough."

"Ah." Sanzo glanced at the crumpled cigarette in his hand. Hakkai took a soft breath, and Sanzo could hear the exasperation building in his voice.

"Yaone was worried he'd be delivering the baby three weeks ago. The baby would not have been able to adequately breathe on his or her own, and while there may be technology on the Western continent that would remedy that, we won't find it here. Certainly not out in the boondocks." Hakkai shifted his weight further back on the bed. "It would end very, very poorly."

"I understood two explanations ago." Sanzo took out a cigarette. "There's something else I need to tell you. We need to move. As a party. We were followed last night."

"Oh no." Hakkai covered his mouth with his palm, rising from his spot on the bed as his entire posture deflated.

"They made no move to attack us, but-" Sanzo couldn't even finish his sentence before Hakkai began to pace.

"Did he notice? We can't let him know." Hakkai's fingers twitched, and he lifted one hand to his mouth to chew a finger. "He's stressed enough already. You should see him this morning, he's in terrible form, he won't even let me touch him!"

Sanzo spoke, louder and firmer this time: "They did not approach us, he did not notice them. They observed from a distance, as best as I could tell. I'm still suggesting we move." He got to his feet, and crushed the still-burning cigarette in his hand. "I would not have let him come to harm." Hakkai watched the smoldering tobacco crumble out of his fist, eyes wide.

"S-Sanzo, I never suggested-" Hakkai swallowed. "Let me see your hand." Sanzo opened his palm. There was no sign of a burn, only a singe on the callus where he usually fingered his gun. "Do you do that often?" Sanzo grunted in response. "It looks okay." Sanzo dropped his hand back to his side, and Hakkai took a calming breath. "I think we're both okay now. I'll plot a course for our next move, and we'll depart after we've all eaten." Hakkai turned heel and departed. Goku was returning from the shower, wrapped in a towel and picking up the clothes he'd dropped on his way down. Hakkai forced a big smile, and whistled to himself to try and lower his anxiety. Sanzo had given him far too many ups and downs, and his heart was still racing.

It was a bad day when he was the most normal one of the party.

* * *

Hakkai returned with a plate of toast and marmalade for Gojyo and a bowl of porridge for himself, right as he finished his exercise routine. He hadn't seen much of what he was doing, but Gojyo had become surprisingly adept at them despite his size. He'd dressed while Hakkai was gone- 'He must have been cold,' Hakkai imagined. He finished by dropping back down to the bed, groaning at the impact. His hands flew to his midsection, and he rolled the bottom of his tunic down from where it had ridden up. Hakkai chuckled and pulled the small dresser closer to him.

"Good job. Eat up."

Gojyo tried to eat, but it simply was not going to happen. Every time he lifted the toast to his lips, his tongue dried from nausea and the sensation of being too full already. Hakkai's heart ached- he felt terrible just watching him. The black linen tunic he wore barely covered him anymore, stretched past its limits by his oversized belly. Hakkai could visualize the baby sitting on his stomach, burying its head into him and blocking any attempt for him to nourish himself. He set his porridge aside and reached to touch Gojyo's wrist, and Gojyo put the toast down to wait for relief. However, as Hakkai sent his chi forth to relieve Gojyo's ills, he felt the same sensation as he had before: his own chi washing back to him. He closed his eyes in a slow wince, then dug into his sash.

"Here. You should take your vitamins."

"I can't even eat this." Gojyo shoved his toast away. "And this at least smells good. That medicine smells like chalk."

"Ah?" Hakkai frowned as he opened the bottle, and lifted it to his nose. "Your sense of smell must be more sensitive than mine now." He poured two pills into his hand. "You still need it. You have to nurture the baby somehow."

"I want to eat. I can't." He put his head in his hands. "Your chi ain't working."

"I've hit the upper limit," Hakkai confessed under his breath, bowing his head. "I can't put any more into you- your body is rejecting it."

"God damn it." Gojyo's hands crumpled, and he dropped his head lower. He chewed his lip as his brow knit up, with a despondent look overtaking any anger and frustration he'd had at his toast. Hakkai nervously held the pills out, and Gojyo swiped them and downed them. He managed to take a sip of water, and his breath seized in his throat as he tried to swallow. He did force it down, then managed to take a bite of his toast.

That was all the breakfast he could manage.

Sanzo and Goku had waited in front of the inn as Hakkai sneaked Gojyo out down the fire escape so he wouldn't be seen by the small crowd eating breakfast in the inn's tavern. This was pretty slow going, as he couldn't see the stairs under his feet, but he insisted he could handle it and shooed Hakkai off. Hakkai managed to organize payment for the nights they stayed there while Gojyo felt his way down the banister, touching each step with the sole of his shoe before stepping down. Goku, however, got impatient. He circled around to the side of the building, where Gojyo was still coming down the fourth and last flight, and he offered a hand. Or, at least, what he thought was a hand.

"Come on, dude, you're so slow!" He clambered up the iron bars that held the fire escape up. Gojyo scoffed, shifting the hand he'd planted on the small of his back for balance to a fist at his side.

"Listen up, idiot monkey- I'm walkin' for two here!" He slapped his front. "So, if I gotta go at half-speed, it's cause  _someone_  is slowin' me down, got it?!"

"Your fat ass isn't a someone." Goku stuck his tongue out, skidding along the bars to follow him.

"You're always 'little cousin this, little cousin that,' and now you're bein' an asshole about what your little cousin did to me?" Gojyo's upper lip nearly folded over, nostrils flaring as he caught his breath. Goku blew a raspberry at him.

"Yeah, well, say it to my face!" Goku jumped off the side of the fire escape and bolted for the corner, then cupped his hands and shouted back: "Unless your fat ass can't hit for one!"

"I will fucking end you!" Gojyo dropped his balanced stance and thundered down the rest of the stairs, resulting in a series of loud clanks with each heavy footfall, and he rushed to chase Goku as he whooped and hollered back around the corner:

"Come an' get me, tubby!"

"Motherfuck-" Gojyo reached the corner, and saw Sanzo and Hakkai waiting for him. The effort caught up with him, and he sank, setting his hands on his knees and catching his breath. A cramp set in at the top of his belly and slowly rolled down, and he groaned and hugged his stomach. Hakkai went to his side, giving Goku a dirty look.

"That was foul play." Hakkai patted Gojyo's back as he shuddered through the pain, and Sanzo followed up by hitting him with his harisen.

"Oww!" Goku covered his head to protect from any follow-up blows.

"That didn't hurt," Sanzo hissed at him, then glanced at Gojyo as he slowly rolled himself to a full stand, still holding his middle between his palms with teeth clenched. "Not enough." Gojyo finally unlocked his jaw and held his head upright.

"I'm good." Gojyo set his hands on his back to stretch. "Are we good to go?"

"I believe so." Hakkai glanced around, then whistled. Hakuryu appeared from the rooftop and fluttered down to the ground, carrying a cat bed in his teeth. He dropped it onto Hakkai, then landed on his shoulder. He looked down at the bags around them, then at Gojyo. He scrutinized Gojyo, looked him up and down, then turned to Hakkai and chirped and chattered something only Hakkai understood. Gojyo, however, could fill in the blanks:

"Yes, he is still pregnant," Hakkai answered, and scratched Hakuryu's chin. He chirped and shrieked in response. "No, no, he is not going to explode." Hakuryu whined, and rubbed his cheek to Hakkai's. Hakkai sighed patiently. "No, I do not think the uneven weight will cause your tire to go flat!" Hakuryu purred urgently into Gojyo's ear, and Hakkai put his foot down. "No, you will not get worse gas mileage which will cause you to run out of petrol in the middle of the desert, thus stranding us all. You don't even use petrol." He grabbed Hakuryu by the back of his neck and turned him to face him, eye to eye. "You're going to hurt his feelings."

"I'm going to use him for a belt if he doesn't turn into the Jeep right now," Gojyo glowered at the little white dragon, a malicious scowl painting him all shades of ugly. Hakuryu whipped around to give him puppy eyes, but Hakkai smiled sweetly.

"No, I will not stop him." Hakkai affirmed, all sugar and spice. Hakuryu's head dropped, but chirruped at Hakkai's sash. Hakkai offered a biscuit from his sash, and he gobbled it down. Satisfied, he transformed into the familiar green Jeep, though still whining about the extra weight in his back seat. As Gojyo sized up the door for the first time in a week, he didn't even want to hear about it.

_Why can't Hakuryu turn into a minivan?_

As Hakkai loaded the bags into the boot and Sanzo and Goku piled in, Gojyo approached the driver's side and tilted the front seat forward. He stepped up on the side of the car, causing it to lean towards him and creak under his weight (eliciting a loud series of complaints from the Jeep,) and he tried to squeeze himself in through the opening. His abdomen didn't fit through the narrow door either straight on or from the side, forcing him to hoist his middle up over the side of the car. He barely managed to wiggle his hips through to get the rest of him in. He slowly, cautiously turned his back towards the seat and lowered himself down in the tight space, then pressed his back against the seat and slid himself down. He winced a few times as his belly pressed into his knees, and a sharp pain made him writhe. His midsection wobbled towards the door, and Gojyo flinched back to avoid getting stuck. However, victory was achieved, and his butt was in the seat. He spread his legs to let the baby settle between them, and sighed with relief. Next, the new adventure- putting on the seat belt. Grabbing the clasp was easy. Passing it from one hand to the other was easy. Pulling the belt across the wide expanse at his hips: more challenging, but not impossible. Finding the buckle? The absolute definition of impossible. He couldn't see the buckle, and he couldn't find it with his hands. Goku, who'd watched up until now with a wide-eyed stare, giggled.

"Tol'ja you had a fat ass." Goku grabbed the clasp and shoved it flush to Gojyo's hip, almost under his rear, into the clasp. Gojyo blushed profusely, cheeks almost hurting from the blood rushing to them.

"Fuck you, monkey."

"Too many cucumbers for the tub-o'-chub kappa!" Goku teased in a sing-song tone, and Gojyo folded his arms and sank in his seat. Hakkai sighed from the front seat and tried to ignore them as he got in and put the key in the ignition. Gojyo turned and gave Goku a withering look.

"Since when were you making fun of my weight?"

"Since your fat belly got bigger than your fat head was empty." Goku grinned- obviously, he was very proud of this insult, and Gojyo's cheeks flushed further to the same color as his hair.

"Goku." Sanzo's tone indicated an unvoiced warning, and Goku's grin turned into a softer smile.

"Come on, dude, we play like this all the time." He poked Gojyo's ribs. "Why isn't it okay to tease you now?"

Gojyo pushed his hand off. "'Cause I can read a book and get smarter. I can't eat less and lose the weight. Yet," he added before Goku could leap onto that. To his surprise, he didn't.

"Well, yeah, 'cause you don't eat so much anyway. It's okay!" Goku beamed. "I'll help eat little cousin's portion for him!"

"You know th-" Gojyo halted as Hakkai got up to speed, and his stomach lurched into his throat. He lunged towards Goku. "Urk-"

"Don't hurl on me!" Goku flinched back into the far corner of the seat, and Gojyo turned away to hide a small smirk.

_Using my nausea to my advantage. Smart move. Point goes to the awesome me._

* * *

They drove the entire day, downhill and on smooth, almost sandy dirt. The ride was smooth enough that Gojyo only cringed slightly on the acceleration and on a few small bumps. Sanzo spent most of the ride leaned over the side of the Jeep, hanging a hand out of the side and waving a hand with the air currents. The drive down the foothills was in cool air and through a forest of pine trees. A wide river passed through the forest, just past the bottom of the mountain and lateral to the incline. At high tide, it was deep enough that the Jeep would have been underwater, and Gojyo did feel nauseous as he watched it roll and churn past. Hakkai had to drive parallel to the river's flow to find a bridge, and he pulled over once they crossed.

"It's long past two," he explained as he parked near a tree. "We should have some lunch."

"Well, yeah, but if there's water, there's people," Goku pointed out. "You said so when you were teaching me history. Why not just drive the rest of the way to town and eat there?"

Hakkai pulled out the map and traced the distance between the river they sat at and the town he'd marked. "We're a little over an hour away from town, but we haven't eaten since this morning. It's not good to wait so long between meals. We might as well eat here." He gestured to the water with his usual smile. "It's quite pretty."

Gojyo's skin crawled as he took the unspoken meaning; he was going to have to wait in the car until after dark again.  _At least_ , he mused,  _it's getting dark earlier._

While Hakkai and Goku worked together to prepare a small lunch, Sanzo stepped away from the car for a few cigarettes, and Gojyo paced to stretch his legs. Hakkai, however, left Goku to stir the sauce and whispered in Gojyo's ear:

"Remember what I said about going swimming?"

"What?" Gojyo snapped to attention, and scowled at Hakkai. "Are you nuts? It's fucking October. It's gonna be cold as balls!"

"36 Celsius would be quite uncomfortable, wouldn't it?" Hakkai giggled. "It'll be colder than that, but why not kick your shoes off and put your feet in?" He glanced down to his feet, and Gojyo tried to do the same (and failed.) "Your ankles look very swollen. Water's a natural pain reliever, and the cool current will feel very nice. You've got time until lunch is ready."

"Fine." Gojyo kicked his slippers off. "Guess it won't kill me."

Gojyo hiked up his pants with his hands in his pockets and waded ankle-deep into the water. The water wasn't as cold as he had thought, though it still sent a chill up his leg. The riverbed was covered in egg-smooth, flat stones, and as he moved his feet over them, they massaged the soles of his feet. The bottom of his pants brushed the water, and he stepped back. "Huh." The chilly air was worse on the parts of his leg that had been submerged, so he rolled his pants up to his knees and waded back in. Hakkai had been right; the water did feel good, especially as he adjusted to the temperature. He almost wanted to take his clothes off and plunge headlong into the stream; however, that would involve admitting Hakkai was right. It also would involve putting his more sensitive zones into the chilly water, and as extra-sensitive as they were, he didn't relish the idea of having to defrost his nipples.

He realized, as it happened, that he was losing his choice in the matter. His knees suddenly buckled under him, and he collapsed forward. Before he could even process that his pants were wet and the base of his belly was in the water, Hakkai had swept in behind him and scooped him back to his feet. "My my, little bit of vertigo there?"

"Guess so." He tried to wring himself out, and found steady enough legs to shuffle back to shore. Sanzo quickly found and lit a fresh cigarette, leaving the previous one still-smoking in the dust at his feet. Hakkai's hand landed on Gojyo's wrist for a second, then jerked away.

"Hmm." Hakkai popped the Jeep's trunk and tossed Gojyo some clean clothes, and Gojyo sunk onto the bench to change. Gojyo would have asked what he was hemming over, but his head still felt heavy. He instead pulled his soggy pants and damp shirt away, tugged the clean ones on, and fell back. He closed his eyes, still prone on the bench, until Hakkai roused him with a plate of food.

Gojyo choked down a few mouthfuls of meat and a single gulp of rice, but his stomach rebelled every step of the way. He couldn't force it into him if he tried, but instead lowered his head and tried to ignore the sounds of his companions enjoying their meal. His head still ached, his legs shook even when he extended them, and despite both of these, he wanted to get back in the water. It had felt far too good, and for some reason, his instincts called him to it.

Somehow, listening to it seemed a bad idea at the moment.

It was only an hour drive from the riverside to the town, but Hakkai sat with Gojyo in the Jeep until the sun went down. Sanzo and Goku went ahead to the town's only inn to reserve two rooms. "If at all possible, adjacent," he requested of the innkeeper. She smiled, wrinkles picking up the edges of her eyes, and handed them two keys.

"You're our only guests at the moment, so I'm sure we can accommodate." She reached forward and fluffed Goku's hair. He grinned and bowed his head. "I'm surprised the Sanzo party would stop at a little backwater town like this! There are much bigger merchant towns just a short distance away, and all."

"It's on our way." Sanzo glanced to the floor. "Besides that, one of our party members is ill. We will be letting him recuperate here."

"My, surely not this one?" She tilted Goku's chin back up and looked in his eyes. Her hand was bony with age, but her palm was soft.

"No'm." Goku shook his head, cheeks warm with a blush. "Our big dumb friend in the car."

"I see! There are four of you, aren't there?" She chuckled under her breath, and took a cookie out from her desk. "Here you are, dearie." She turned her eyes to Sanzo as Goku eagerly chowed down. "Such a young boy, on an important journey like this."

"He's as mature as he wants to be." Sanzo resisted the urge to elbow Goku in the ribs as he seemed to shrink in place and let his eyes grow childlike and wide. He settled for pinching the back of his neck. "Goku, thank the nice lady."

"Thanks, ma'am!" Goku grinned, and hoisted up his duffel bag as Sanzo turned on his heel, dragging Goku by his neck, to go find their rooms. His fingers itched at the cigarette pack in the front of his robe, but he held off. Goku finally got loose of his grip and popped his head in front of Sanzo. "Hey, uh, did you see Gojyo fall earlier?"

"I did."

"What's wrong with him?"

"How should I know?" Sanzo clenched his fist, then dug out a cigarette. "I'm not psychic. Ask Hakkai."

"Kay, fine." Goku pouted, lower lip sticking out and brow sunk deep against his eyes. Sanzo ignored him as he lit up. "You were watchin' him, is all. Thought you might'a seen somethin'."

"Someone had to be sure he didn't drown." Sanzo exhaled in a quick burst, and continued wearing down the Marlboro's thin barrel.

When evening fell, Hakkai elected to drive the rest of the way into the little town. It was little more than four cross-streets with windmills in all four directions, surrounded by fields on its southern and western edges. No tall buildings, only a few with two stories, and dirt road that trailed from the forest. There weren't even street lights. It was the kind of town Hakkai liked- small, cozy, out of the way. Much fewer roving eyes. Not that he minded cities, of course, but with nobody out on the street when the sun was low, Gojyo, in the gunshot seat, seemed more comfortable tilting his head back against the seat rather than hunching it down low. However, Hakkai noticed him gripping the seat belt tight in both hands and shaking like he was being throttled. He chose not to say anything, at least not to Gojyo directly.

Hakkai first checked that the reception desk was empty before escorting Gojyo in. He could hear voices from the kitchen behind the front desk, and could smell dishwater. He hoisted the bags up and in, then helped Gojyo from the seat. His legs still quavered, and Hakkai supported him by his shoulders all the way from the alley where the Jeep was parked to the door, then to the stairs. Goku had appeared at the top of the steps, and bounced on his heels as Hakkai helped Gojyo in towards the steps.

"Ah, thank goodness." He smiled up towards him. "Would you please get the bags? I can't carry both."

"You ain't carryin' me, dude." Gojyo glared over his shoulder as Goku bounded down the steps, but Hakkai continued to smile.

"Nevertheless."

"I got 'em!" Goku lifted the bags over his shoulder, and jogged backwards up the stairs. "Come on, you guys are so slow, dinner's getting cold!"

Gojyo's legs still shook as he tried to scale the stairs, but with Hakkai's hands under his arms, he forced himself there. Dinner waited on the table in Sanzo and Goku's room, and though the hot pot stew smelled amazing, with floating chunks of carrot and parsnip and pulled pork, Gojyo couldn't get down more than three bites before his stomach turned and he had to put his head in his hands to block out the smell.

Once finished eating, Hakkai assisted Gojyo to his feet and to their bedroom. He first put Gojyo into one of the chairs, and then started going around to "pre-baby-proof" everything. Gojyo watched helplessly, wanting to get up and start moving things off of waist-level surfaces and anything that would be out of sight below the hips, but when he tried to push back out of the chair, his knees shook and refused to bend.

"Just stay put, okay?" He glanced up with an armful of items he'd pulled off the bedside tables; the clock, a lamp, some glasses. Gojyo winced and settled back again, setting one hand on his side.

"You really think I'm an invalid?"

"Gojyo." Hakkai set the items down on a higher surface and turned back towards him. The smile gradually wiped from his face as he spoke. "I do not think you invalid or incapable of these things." He slowly stepped back towards Gojyo, and got on his knees in front of the chair. "You're in an incredibly delicate condition. Even you must know that you're pushing your limits." He set his hands on Gojyo's knees. "Your blood pressure has skyrocketed."

"What?" Gojyo sat forward. "How do you-"

"I checked when I picked you up out of the water earlier. You may be verging on pre-eclampsia."

Gojyo vaguely remembered that word from some of the baby books. He did not, however, remember what "post-eclampsia" was. "Uh- so- what's that me-"

"If it continues, you could have a seizure." Gojyo's entire form froze, even his softened features hard with anxiety. Hakkai shifted in closer. "I'm not a doctor, so I can't diagnose, but the symptoms fit. In addition to that, you haven't eaten. You're getting weaker all the time." Hakkai set his hands a little further up Gojyo's sides, then set his cheek beside his navel. "I know, I know, I know, it sickens and angers you for me to tell you this, but you need to rest. You need to stay at rest."

"I need to... what?" Gojyo's head spun, but for different reasons than before.

"There is nothing I can do for you but wait for you to be ready to deliver." He rubbed his cheek against Gojyo, his monocle shifting and weariness etching under his eyes, mercifully out of Gojyo's view. "I can try to lower your blood pressure, but that will only treat the symptom, not the syndrome. I can't make medicines that will make the baby mature faster. I can only keep you safe and sound until you deliver. I want you to stay in bed or off your feet as much as possible."

Gojyo said nothing, but his back hit the chair again, head hung low. Hakkai lifted his head and looked up at him. "Please tell me you understand."

"I got it," he muttered. "It's... it's for the kid's sake, and all." He could feel Hakkai's hands creeping towards his back, and he pressed his chin into Gojyo's skin and fell into a hug. Gojyo couldn't tell if his fingers met behind his back, and though muscle memory drove him to want to wrap an arm around Hakkai's head to return the embrace, he didn't. His head hung low, his arms laid limp by his sides, and he tried to stop breathing until Hakkai pulled away.

"I'm going to break the news to the others. We won't be moving again until we're up a party member." He got up to his feet, his fingers tracing the contours of Gojyo's midsection as he rose, and he left Gojyo there, curled into himself and contemplating the floor.

He shut the door behind him, and had to catch his breath. He leaned against the door, palms pressed into the woodgrain. Watching Gojyo in such abject misery made him feel weak, like the energy was being taken out of him by force. Even worse was that he could hear Gojyo laughing weakly to himself on the other side of the door, then mutter:

"See, kid, now you're my anchor. Stuck here until you're out of me, and then, who knows? It's all 'cause of you."

Hakkai pushed the door to Sanzo and Goku's room open, and beckoned them out. Goku followed first, and Sanzo got to his feet slowly, dragging each motion out. He led them to the end of the hall, away from their rooms, and finally sighed. "You heard our entire conversation, correct?"

"Every word." Sanzo rapped on the wall beside him with his knuckles. "These walls are as thin as the paint on them."

"So I've noticed." Hakkai took in a deep breath and sighed it out. "He's... he's painfully unhappy. Even worse, my qigong is at its limits- there's nothing more I can do for him. I cannot ease his current woes. He's very close to the end."

"Gojyo's gonna die?!" Goku stuffed his fingers into his mouth, jerking back from Hakkai.

"No. He's going to give birth," Sanzo hissed into his ear, yanking him back towards Hakkai. "Don't say stupid things." Goku moved his fingers to the side of his mouth, and looked down at the floor.

"B-but, won't that kill him? I mean, that's a lady thing, and Gojyo's no lady."

"If he wasn't supposed to do it, then Kannon would never have made him to be with child." Hakkai smiled softly to himself and reached to pat Goku's head. Goku jerked away again, glaring at Hakkai with wide, sad eyes.

"But little cousin is so big! Bigger than any baby ever! How is big little cousin going to get out of Gojyo?" Goku hung his head. "Gojyo's going to die."

"He will not," Sanzo hissed, and yanked Goku's ear. Goku yelped and cowered at Hakkai's side. Hakkai chuckled and patted his shoulders.

"Do you think I'd let something like that happen?" Hakkai forced a wider smile. "I've taken good care of him, haven't I? That's why we have to stay here a little while- to give him time to have the baby, then for his body to recover." Goku's expression cleared, brow unwrinkling, then his head shot up with inspiration.

"Wait, what if Kougaiji and his friends try an' mess with us again?" He raised a finger. "Or assassins, or even random crazy youkai?"

"He has a point." Sanzo looked to Hakkai, who nodded.

"We'll need to keep him under guard. He's less able to defend himself than ever." Hakkai rubbed both sides of his forehead with his index finger and thumb. "At least this is a sleepy little place, out of the way. We'll have privacy, and we'll need it."

Sanzo nodded. "If that's what he needs, then so be it."

"You're alright with this?" Hakkai cocked his head. "This is your mission, after all."

Sanzo lowered his brow into a soft scowl. "I need three bodyguards. If one of them is in need of some recovery time, then I have no choice. And you do know what is best for him in this situation."

"Thank you, Sanzo." Hakkai bowed his head, then wiped his brow dry. "Well, I suppose that's all-" Before Hakkai had even finished, Goku bounded back down the hall towards Gojyo and Hakkai's room, shouting:

"Hey, Gojyo! You don't have to move around to play card games, right?" Hakkai giggled as Goku pushed the door open and rushed in.

"You know, I think I'll join them." Hakkai then pivoted on his heel, but he realized Sanzo was following.

"Four's better than three." Sanzo cracked his knuckles. "I'll bring the table from our room." Hakkai chuckled.

"How nice of you to cooperate."

* * *

After four days in the inn, the old innkeepers, a husband and wife, began to wonder about the Sanzo party. They had heard many rumors- not many travelers came through, but they always stayed in one of their five rooms, and those traveling westbound almost always brought stories. Dead youkai here, wounded villagers there, disaster abound wherever they go. As such, they had been only a touch nervous when the four had arrived. However, there had been nothing but peace from the four of them, at least as far as could be expected from four young men. No youkai attacks, no destruction or disaster. It almost made them wonder if they weren't the genuine article. This was only furthered by their real concern- they only ever saw three of the four.

"Now dear," the wife chided when her husband griped to her over their kitchen counter for the fourth night in a row. She continued to pour sake into mugs. "They said he was ill. Their fourth may not want to be seen."

"Don't make it no less suspicious," he countered, and looked out into the tavern where the three they saw were sitting. Though the inn was quiet for overnight guests, more than a few of the farmers and mill workers would come in after dark for a drink or sometimes a meal. The three Sanzo party members spent more than a little time there as well- albeit usually two at a time. "Only three eat, but they take four bowls. One comes back almost untouched! Wastes food." He grumbled to himself, and looked back to her. "What do you think their game is?"

"Mah jongg, from the tiles I keep finding when I make up the one room." The wife chuckled, pottering back to the food side of the kitchen to check the rice steamer, though her husband still scoffed.

"And there's another thing- you haven't been in the second room for days. Who knows what they're keeping in there?"

"Tell you what." The wife turned to her stew pot and ladled out four dishes onto waiting rice. "Since the three of them are down here, you deliver the fourth his dinner." She put one dish on a tray with chopsticks and a spoon and pushed it towards him. "If there's no answer, then we can up-charge them for lying to us."

"Fine. Sounds reasonable." He took the tray, wincing as gripping it made his arthritis flare up, but heaved himself to a stand and out to the stairs. He plodded up each step, and trudged towards the room. He couldn't imagine what it looked like- let alone smelled like- in a room that was being occupied but not cleaned, but he couldn't just leave the tray. So, with a resigned sense of dread, he knocked.

"Hey, ah, Mister Number Four of the Sanzo party? My wife sent'cha dinner. Ain'cha hungry?" To his surprise, he heard an immediate, quiet response:

"Fffff- it's dinner time? Shit. Slept since fuckin' two-" Then, louder and clearly annoyed, "Hang on!" Loud, thumping footsteps approached, and the door cracked open. The innkeeper got a brief glimpse of a thin, hollow-cheeked face and red eyes fixed in a deep scowl- a face he didn't recognize. "You brought food?"

"I did." The innkeeper held the tray out, though he clearly couldn't fit it into the thin crack in the door, and Gojyo glanced behind him. No Hakkai.

"Those assholes left me alone. Goddamn shit-" He looked back to the man at the door. "I, uh, I'm not decent. Don't wait around for me, I'll just pick it up when I have pants on."

"Oh." The innkeeper took a step back, blinking back confusion, and Gojyo slammed the door shut. He set the tray down, too shocked to do much else, and meandered back down to his wife. She'd served the other three their meals and returned to the kitchen to fetch more sake.

"Did you see their fourth?" She didn't turn around, but smiled down at the cups before her.

"Some of him." He set his elbows on the counter. "Didn't want to come out, so I left it by the door for him."

"But you saw him."

"Definitely a different man. Looked pretty skinny." The old man grumbled under his breath. "Maybe if he ate something."

"He's sick, dear. Cut the poor boy some slack." She plated up a handful of sweet rice dumplings. "I'm going to treat their cute little teenager to a spot of dessert." She chuckled and tottered out to the dining room, not quite noticing Hakkai leaned against the wall beside the door. He followed her back towards their table, nodding his head as she turned around and passed him on her way back, and sat down beside Sanzo and Goku again.

"Perhaps one of us should go sit with Gojyo. I can just imagine him now." Hakkai giggled. "Crouched down, trying to get the tray in through the door without opening it more than he has to so he won't be seen. Who wants to go help him?"

"I'll do it!" Goku thrust his hand straight up, though with a mouthful of dumpling, it didn't quite sound like that. He bounced to his feet and up the stairs, leaving Sanzo and Hakkai alone.

"It's just a pity he has to go through that." Hakkai sighed to himself and swirled his sake in his cup. "I know he's not supposed to be up and about, but he shouldn't feel compelled to hide himself just because his condition is..." Hakkai took a sip, choosing his words carefully. "So apparent."

Sanzo scoffed, casting his eyes upwards, and he could imagine it now. Poor, oversized Gojyo, the same as he had been for the past four days: alone, usually in the room's armchair, with his legs straddled around his precious cargo, resting one hand atop his middle and staring down his navel. He only seemed bigger by the hour, more and more like a balloon ready to pop. He closed his fist around the mug as he thought about it for what felt like the thousandth time. He'd been going through it in his mind for the past four days- surely he lied or was mistaken about the dates, surely he's due three weeks in the past rather than the future. Even Goku knew it:  _"Little cousin is too big!"_  The anxiety was only building as he wondered over it. Gojyo deliberately hiding himself was just a clincher.

Could he have been wrong about it? Maybe it was just because of his normally skinny figure that he looked so large. Sanzo tried to think of all the expecting women he'd met before, but realized that though he'd come across a few, he'd never actually _looked_  at any of them- sheer disinterest. He tried instead to think of babies, but the same applied. He at least had an excuse, as newborns were rarely seen in public, and he couldn't think of meeting more than one or two. He could only distinctly remember one recently, and it was in a mass grave after a youkai attack that they had arrived too late to stop. It- he? She?- had been ripped from its mother's arms and buried in them. He only remembered it because of how terribly saddened Hakkai had been, and all he remembered of its features was that it was very, very small. The books had suggested average birth weight at a little less than three and a half kilograms, and a length of about fifty centimeters long. Sanzo weighed that against what he saw in Gojyo, and though he knew there was more than a baby inside of him, he was certain that he was far, far too large.

He took a long drink out of his sake cup, leaving only a drop in the bottom. He couldn't quite meet Hakkai's eyes, but he seemed more interested in his drink himself. "Have you considered forcing him to deliver?"

"How?" Hakkai laughed softly, and shook his head. He drained his mug completely. "I can only think of one way to get the baby out a moment earlier than the goddess is ready for it to happen, and neither of us are prepared for it."

"Are you prepared for it at all?" Sanzo frowned, first at the table, then at Hakkai. "Do you know what you're doing?"

"In terms of helping him? Well, I helped a cat birth kittens once, and I worked on a dairy farm for a few years to earn my keep at the orphanage before I became a teacher." Hakkai's expression warmed at the memories. "He does seem to have mammalian sexual features, despite his youkai paternity, though I admit I haven't looked too closely. If he is able to give birth, like you said the goddess told you, it will be the same as any woman."

Sanzo outwardly winced. He knew enough about the birds and the bees to know what sort of hell that would be.

"But I have no supplies yet," Hakkai continued. Sanzo's brow tilted into an inquisitive frown. "I suppose I can use the hot plate to boil scissors and a needle in the room-"

"Needle."

"In case of tearing, you see-"

"I need another drink." Sanzo bolted to his feet and rushed for the kitchen, getting a very familiar uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach. He knew it was coming, but if he thought about it any more, he would be joining Gojyo in losing his meals.

* * *

Upstairs, Goku watched Gojyo shuffle his stew around his plate, as he had been for ten minutes. He had helped Gojyo pick it up and bring it in, but he knew there was a moratorium on helping him eat it. "When's the last time you actually ate?" He stared at the meat, longing to take it off of his hands because he knew it would be wasted. Gojyo shrugged his shoulders.

"Been too long. You have no idea how much I wanna pour this down my throat." He finally threw his chopsticks down. "I don't care anymore. Eat it."

"No. You." Goku picked up the spoon and loaded it up. Gojyo folded his arms and turned his head away, but Goku waved the spoon near his lips. "Open wide, Jeep's going in the tunn-" He tried to put the spoon into Gojyo's tightly shut lips. "Come on, I'ma feed the baby!"

"Wait 'til its born and has teeth." Gojyo seized the spoon and pushed it and Goku back. Goku yanked the spoon from Gojyo and stuffed it into his own mouth, then pulled it out clean.

"Fine. But you're gonna starve." He licked his lips. Gojyo groaned and forced another bite of chicken and sauce. His body and mind were completely at odds- his mind wanted it, his body screamed no, and his throat convulsed against the chicken's entire trip down. It stayed, and he sat back, relieved.

"See? I ate. Now will ya do me a favor?" He closed his eyes and traced his sides. Goku grinned.

"Sure! What's up?"

"Can you bring me some sorta map of the area?" He tugged the bottom of his shirt down. "We've been here days and I hardly know where we are. I'd go out and see the town, but-"

"I can do it!" Goku grinned and saluted, then scooted from the room and to the desk below. He returned a minute later with a large pamphlet. "Here ya go." He unfolded it, and pointed. "Uh, I asked the nice lady, she says we're right here."

"Ah." Gojyo leaned forward and looked. He could see the river marked just east of them, and the mountains just to the southeast. "Cool. I'll look at it later, okay?" He put it down beside him. "I, uh, I'm kinda tired."

"But you slept all day!" Goku cocked his head, perplexed.

"What can I say? I'm tryin' to make a person, it's not easy." Gojyo forced a heavy sigh, though genuine enough for Goku.

"I guess. You wanna be alone again?"

"If you don't mind." Gojyo set his feet up on the ottoman, and Goku hung his head.

"Okay. I'll leave you alone. Just, uh, shout if you need one of us, okay?" He shuffled towards the door and out, closing it behind him. The moment he was gone, Gojyo sat upright and opened the map again.

He'd been thinking too. All the others had been worrying over his size, but he had more weighing on him than that. He flipped the map open to see in all directions around the town they were in. "Won't be long now, will it, kiddo? You're plenty big, right?" Something shifted, just enough for him to feel it. "This is where you're gonna be born." He glanced around the room. "Maybe right here. I guess. Who knows?" He hadn't thought about the how or where as much, and only barely the when. "I don't have much for you, but we're gonna need to travel light. I gotta carry you the whole way, right?" He set one hand under his middle and pushed it up. "Yeah, you're kinda heavy, I guess. I'll just make a little sling and strap you on right here on my chest, right next to my heart. Then I can carry stuff on my back, too." He wiggled further back in the chair and looked down at the map again. "River's east, then the mountain. We ain't goin' that way." He heard the floor in the hallway creak, felt the walls close in around him. "West is out. It's more dangerous that way. Daddy doesn't want you to get hurt." He measured the distance between the nearest towns north and south between his index finger and thumb. "North is closer." He squinted at the scale. "If I walk quick, we'll make it in two or three days. I'll just need enough milk so you don't get thirsty, and clean diapers for your butt, and we'll be just fine." He crossed the room and shoved the map into his duffel bag. "Let's just hope we don't move again. I'm just glad I don't have to worry about it anymore." He settled back into the chair, groaning as the weight set into his back. "Only a little longer. Just another few weeks. Daddy's got you covered. No worries for you, not a one." He smiled softly. "We're gonna be okay."

In the hall, the floorboards creaked again, and Sanzo silently cursed the aging construction. He shifted from the door and tiptoed away, trying to make his footsteps silent. Hearing Gojyo's plans laid yet another weight on him, and he was starting to struggle under the burden. He had to bear it out, though; it was nothing compared to the ones Gojyo bore.

* * *

Goku would ever and always argue that he was not stupid. He was certainly naïve, but he didn't know that word. Stupid, he could object to. But whether naïve or stupid, neither meant he did not listen and understand, even things left unspoken. He could read Sanzo better than Sanzo could himself, and Hakkai had let his mask slip enough for him to see the truth underneath. Best or worst of all, Gojyo dismissed him as just a kid, so he hardly bothered to hide it.

Goku had told Sanzo and Hakkai that he'd gotten Gojyo the map. Of course he had; he wasn't stupid. He hadn't expected Hakkai to hang his head and excuse it: "He must be disoriented from not knowing where we are. It's nothing." He also hadn't expected Sanzo to jump up, abandoning his sake to go check on Gojyo. He didn't know what to make of it, but he knew well enough that there was something going on he didn't know the depth of between Hakkai, Sanzo, and Gojyo. He did, however, want to know. So, he would listen.

For the next two days, he listened. He listened to Gojyo quietly debating with himself how quickly he could recover from the birth to flee, how he could make himself recover faster. He listened to Sanzo and Hakkai wondering how they would negotiate the birth. He felt like he was scratching the surface and seeing no deeper, but he couldn't do anything about it. Even the card games they played when they were all together stayed superficial, all casual smiles and vacant conversation. The only time things got even a little bit serious was at a single word from Gojyo:

"Ow!" Gojyo suddenly hissed and held his side, cringing forward and holding himself. Hakkai's cards fell to the table as he dove out of his seat as Gojyo dropped his cards, and his hand slid up onto the table and gripped it. Goku and Sanzo both sat back as Hakkai held his hand and tried to read his chi.

"It seems like just a minor cramp, or-" Hakkai leaned closer to Gojyo, lowering his voice. "Gojyo, are you f-"

"I'm fine. He just kicked me in a bad spot." He exhaled into a smile, and Goku noticed his hand slide up onto the table to switch one of Hakkai's dropped cards with his.

That was all Goku could wonder about- it seemed like everyone else had something on their minds, but nobody was talking about it. But this was grown-up business, so all he could do was try and get a nose in.

The same went for the night of October the tenth. Gojyo had been overly tired and rejected both food and company: "I'm not hungry. At all. Givin' me food would be a waste." He had hardly gotten out of bed that day, not even to the chair that seemed to have a permanent imprint of his back on the cushion by now, and he didn't seem to want to change that. Hakkai touched his forehead, then his wrist.

"You must want something. Water? Ice?"

"No. Nothing at all." Gojyo hung his head in a soft pout. "Can I just be left alone?"

And so, he was. It was late enough now that they were alone in the tavern. Hakkai and Sanzo were having drinks, and Goku was sitting nearby. The innkeeper's wife had given him a basket of apple pastries, which he was all too happy to devour. However, a full mouth did not mean full ears, so he could still hear Hakkai and Sanzo's conversation.

"According to the dates you gave me, we have passed thirty-seven weeks. The baby is technically full-term, its lungs should be fully formed." Hakkai kept his voice low, though he still sounded ever so cheerful and nonchalant, as if he were talking about the weather rather than an upcoming major life event. Goku imagined this was the easiest way for him to keep his cool at the moment, rather than riding the rollercoaster between excitement and anxiety.

"A miracle," Sanzo muttered, with the same mixture of derision and indifference he displayed with ninety-five percent of his life (on the surface, at least.) "Let's hope he didn't kill the thing with his smoking." Hakkai giggled as Sanzo chewed on the butt of his own cigarette. Goku knew this as one of Sanzo's 'tells,' a little indication that he was thinking one thing but saying another.

'This is Sanzo worried.' Goku could almost imagine making a coloring book, a sort of child's guide to understanding him, except most of the pictures would look very similar.

"Now, now, I've watched him very carefully. I don't think he's had one in some time." Hakkai chuckled, and lowered his head. Sanzo glanced away.

'This is Sanzo being deceitful.' Goku almost giggled at the thought, but swallowed it.

Hakkai put his empty cup down and waved to the innkeeper across the room, who got to his feet with a grumble and entered the kitchen. He turned back to Sanzo, who was still looking at the floor or walls. "I've been trying to keep an eye on him, but he's being very quiet. You know he hasn't had a decent meal for the last week, and he just seems so distant. Especially today." Sanzo seemed nonchalant as he took a deep inhale of smoke.

"Let him have his secrets. It seems that's all he's done lately."

"I'm sure he has his reasons." Hakkai held a hand out to stay Sanzo's response, as the innkeeper trotted over with two fresh mugs of sake. He offered a few small yuan bills as tip with a bright smile, which the innkeeper accepted with a nod, then left them alone again. "But he won't even let me touch him."

"He knows you can keep him healthy, and he pushes you away?" Sanzo gripped his mug tight and sucked down more of his cigarette. "That... idiot."

"That insult seemed almost forced, Sanzo." Hakkai's smile seemed to spread further across his cheeks. "You know, it's not unnatural to care about his welfare. We have all spent so much time together, caring for one another is nearly inevitable."

"Hmph." Sanzo refused to acknowledge that.

"At this juncture, though, we have to wonder what is going to happen with the baby. This child won't simply go away, and I don't think we should give him or her away or force Gojyo to do so." Hakkai sighed, and set his elbow on the table. "Despite it all, Gojyo cares for his child. Have you heard the way he talks to it?" He giggled softly, and Sanzo closed his eyes. "He wouldn't want him to be harmed on the road."

"There must be a monastery somewhere around here. They'd keep it safe." Sanzo's eyes reopened but fixed squarely on the table in front of him now.

"But it must be Gojyo's choice. He'd be miserable if we forced his hand." Hakkai's smile faded, his shoulders slumping. "He would never be happy if he had to spend every day wondering if his child was okay, growing up without him."

"What other option is there?" Sanzo's fist dropped to the table, eyes shut tight. "Letting him run away, like he's been plotting to do?"

'This is Sanzo angry and afraid.' Goku lowered his head, but licked a flake of pastry off his lower lip.

"I suppose not." Hakkai sighed peacefully, and emptied his cup again. Goku had run out of pastries, and they had run out of conversation. He got up and popped his head into the kitchen, where the old lady was washing the last of the night's dishes and offered the basket back.

"Thank you for the desserts, ma'am!" He shook the napkin into the wastebasket and put it on the counter. He spotted a basket of apples. "Oh boy, did you use these?" He scooted closer- they were so shiny he could see his reflection. She chuckled.

"I did, m'dear. They were grown in an orchard not too far from the town."

"They were so good!" He beamed, then had a moment's inspiration. "Hey, can I have one more? My friend's been sick and doesn't wanna eat, but these are so good, he'll definitely wanna eat it!"

"He's still no better?" She clicked her tongue a few times. "Well, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. You can have as many as you'd like." Goku grinned and picked a shiny one off the top of the pile.

"Thank you!" With that, he bounced upstairs to the rooms. He had listened long enough. He had questions now.

Gojyo was sitting on the floor when Goku got to the room, his back against the side of the bed, his legs stretched out in front of him. Goku wasn't sure when he'd gotten out of bed nor how long he had been there. He had one hand rested on his middle, and he'd fixed a blank, unblinking stare at something in the wall Goku couldn't see.

"Hey, uh, Gojyo?" Goku tapped on the door frame. "Can I come in?" Gojyo seemed to snap out of a trance. He tilted his head as he looked at Goku, and put a strangely warm expression on.

"Yeah. Sit down, right here by me." Gojyo patted the spot next to him, and Goku backed up cautiously. This welcome looked and sounded like 'Come a little closer so I can hit you without having to move.'

"Uh, I can talk from here." Goku edged back into the hallway, glancing over his shoulder.

"I won't get mad if you touch me. Swear on my mother's grave. Come on." Gojyo rubbed the floor, and Goku gave in and sat down beside Gojyo, stretching his legs out as well.

"I gotcha an apple. I know you're not hungry, but they're really good. Tart and sweet and crunchy." He held the apple out, and Gojyo took it and looked it over. "Are you feeling okay?" Whether stupid or naïve, he could tell that this was not the Gojyo he was used to.

"Nah, not really." Gojyo sniffed the apple. The monkey did know his fruit- it smelled pretty good.

"Uh, how'd you get on the floor, anyway?" Goku glanced at the bed, where the sheets had been pushed back.

"I thought I needed to piss. Legs didn't wanna work, so down I went." He thumped the floor with his palm. "Lucky me, I didn't have to piss anyway."

"You fell?!" Goku shivered. "Dude, we gotta tell 'Kai-"

"Nothing's broken. It can wait." Gojyo closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the mattress. "You got something to say?" Goku steeled himself, and put it as bluntly as possible:

"Gojyo, what are you gonna do when the baby gets here?"

_Damn monkey with some beady little eyes. He's been spying on me!_  Gojyo laughed. "You ask me as if I know. I'll think about it when it happens." Goku frowned.

"So, why were you lookin' at maps and stuff?"

"Weighin' my options."  _No point in lying about it._  "What do you think? I take the kid west with us and let him get killed? I throw him away, or leave him in a basket by a river? What do you think?" Goku twiddled his thumbs, and Gojyo could see the wheels turning. He took a bite of the apple as he waited for Goku to talk. It was good- it stung at first, but the cold juice was refreshing and light on his tongue.  _When did I stop wanting pickles or kimchi? Did I want apples all along?_  He could even swallow it without his stomach rebelling. He wanted the rest, but he wasn't hungry. Not even a little. Goku finally put his fist in his palm as he came up with an answer.

"I think you need to get the baby stuff. You know, like diapers and bottles and other things babies need." He looked up at Gojyo, who had turned his gaze away. "Dads want to do something for their kids before they get to the world, right? I mean, babies need stuff, don't they? Hakkai told me that babies need stuff."

"All my kid needs is me. It's all he'll ever need, all he'll ever get." Gojyo smiled weakly, not looking at Goku at all anymore.  _Damn. I'm in trouble now._  His breathing had picked up in speed. "He won't ever have another dad, never gonna have a family, just me."

"You got me and Hakkai! I'll be there for little cousin." Goku smiled and shook Gojyo's shoulder. "No matter what you decide, I'm gonna help. Let's face it, you need help." He leaned back, anticipating a swat and a return insult, but Gojyo didn't respond to him, too wrapped up in the pain coursing from his breast down.

_Fuck. Shit. Fuck. This ain't happening. Not now. Not yet!_

He was breathing heavily now, cupping his hand on top of the massive swell of his abdomen. Goku stared, completely confused. "Hey, dude, you okay?" Goku prodded Gojyo's side, and Gojyo hissed in pain. Goku jumped back. "I barely touched you! That didn't hurt!"

"Ssss… aah!" Gojyo cried out, and his back slid down the bedside. His fingers dug into his skin, he stomped his foot on the floor. The apple rolled out of his hand. Goku dove forward and planted his palms on the top of the swell.

"Is little cousin okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry, he's fine. Look, thanks for coming up here, but I need a big favor." Gojyo opened his eyes, and Goku could see his pupils were pinpricks, and he was staring through the ceiling and biting his lip. Tears threatened to fall at the corners of his bloodshot eyes. "Tell Hakkai… Tell Hakkai little cousin wants out."

"Little cousin wants out?" Goku repeated, eyes wide as he stood up.

_Oh god._ Gojyo pressed three fingers into the crotch of his pants and lifted it to show Goku that they were covered with blood.

"He wants out, and he's not taking no for an answer." Gojyo laughed coldly, a tear of pain streaking his cheek, and Goku screamed and fled the room.


	15. 9: Deep Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment of truth!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: You know they're not mine. But I love them and want them to be happy...

**9: Deep Water**

**(Suggested Track: "King Rat," Modest Mouse, through to the next track)**

A cry arose from the inn room, low at first, soft, then building like an earthquake into a roar of anguish. Gojyo's voice broke and cracked, and a murderous screech spilled from his lips and through the paint-thin walls. Sanzo felt it echo through his ears, could see Gojyo's chest rise and fall rapidly as he tried to breathe, could see the sweat forming in bullets on his forehead. His Mah-jongg tiles fell from his hands as he heard Gojyo stomp on the floor and cry out again. He could see it all in his mind's eye, but he tried to focus on the tiles in front of him, tried to push it out, tried to remember:

_This is not your business nor your place. Ignore him. Forget him. This is not your fight._

Sanzo and Goku were in their inn room next to Gojyo and Hakkai's, playing mah-jongg in silence. They had nothing to say, but any conversation they would have had would have been muted by the noise from the next room. Their silent, serene-looking game stood in sharp contrast to the screaming and panting they could hear. Sanzo and Goku both knew that it was a painful process, though neither had any prior experience with it, but they had no idea it would be like this.

Gojyo sounded like he was being cut from sternum to scrotum very, very slowly, like a knife had been plunged into him just above his heart and was being dragged down. Sanzo and Goku both inhaled when his voice finally broke and the scream dissolved. For a brief moment, they could hear Hakkai's voice, soothing and sweet:

"There you go. There's another one down. The baby is getting lower every time."

"Just get it out," Gojyo panted, voice raspy from raising it, and grunted as he tried and failed to get air.

"Calm down-"

"Ahh- AGH!" Gojyo's voice rose into a new wail, and Goku slammed his hands down on the table.

"Sanzo, he's dying! He's dying and there's nothing we can do!"

"Shut up," Sanzo growled, scowling heartlessly across the low table. The scream in the next room died, and Sanzo lifted a fresh cigarette to his lips and lit it. "He is not dying. If childbirth hurt that much, women would have stopped doing it ages ago."

"But he's not a woman!" Goku shook his fists near his chest. "He's not pretty enough! This is gonna kill him!"

"Shut up." Sanzo kept his voice deadpan, as he extinguished the cigarette he'd finished and started a new one. Goku noticed that the match and flame quaked in Sanzo's hand, noticed how fast the ash spread down through the cigarette, and realized that he had one more page to add to his child's guide to Sanzo:

'This is Sanzo being just as worried as I am.' He bit his lip, and was silent for a moment. Gojyo took another breath to scream again, and both of them closed their eyes and listened.

It had been four hours of this. Four hours ago, Goku had rushed down into the tavern hall and jumped onto the table. "Gojyo's bleeding!" He yelped, knocking over the beer cans and waving his arms. "Gojyo's bleeding everywhere!"

"Idiot monkey!" Sanzo swept Goku's legs with his fan and sent him toppling to the ground. "Broadcast it to the entire fucking world, why don't you?!" Hakkai stood up calmly, ignoring Goku's yelps for help and cries for mercy as Sanzo beat him over the head and shoulder with the harisen.

"My, my, my." He took a calming breath and got to his feet. "Is it that time already?" He picked up the empty beer cans and put them in the trash, utter calm flooding from him. He took hold of Sanzo's shoulder as he swung his arm back again, and leaned down, close to his ear. "Sanzo, please keep Goku out of the way. I don't think he should watch what's about to happen to Gojyo."

Sanzo kept Goku sequestered in the next room for four hours, but there was nothing he could do to keep him from hearing Gojyo's pained screams. He had encouraged Goku to try to sleep, but this was a futile effort. There was just too much noise from the next room. Instead, they had played every game they knew, as the noise built and worsened and Gojyo's labor progressed. Risk and war and crazy-eights and dominoes and checkers and Mah jongg one after another, but none of it was adequate distraction. Sanzo's mind kept drifting back into the other room, but he kept reminding himself:

_This is not for you. This is not your burden. This is not your job. You should not worry about it._

"It's your turn. Go or I'm going to go for you." Sanzo juggled a few tiles in his hands. Goku grunted under his breath, squeezing his toes against the floor.

"I can still hear him crying." He winced, lips crimping together. "It's making me feel sick." He put his tiles down. "You win."

"Come on." Sanzo abruptly pushed the table back, shoving it into Goku's gut. "Let's go see him." He turned a fierce eye to the wall, and jumped to his feet. "I'll show you- he's not dying, he's just making noise."

_It's nothing serious. He can deal with it on his own. He doesn't need you. Let's just check and be sure._

"Noisy fucking bastard is starting to piss me off anyway." Sanzo threw the door to their room open, marched to the next, and waited for Goku to finish rubbing his aching stomach and join him. Gojyo's voice rose again from inside, and both Goku and Sanzo flinched half a meter back. They traded daring looks- Goku clearly wondering if Sanzo was going to do it, Sanzo wondering if he was ready to do it- and Sanzo threw the door open.

Goku couldn't believe he had done it and stepped back, stunned. Sanzo had not been ready, and he stood stunned as well, staring wide-eyed at what lay within. Gojyo had been stripped down to his shirt, and he'd torn the sleeves off of it. Hakkai had shoved the beds and comfy armchair into the corner and brought in a wooden chair up from the tavern, and Gojyo was on his knees with his elbows locked in around the seat back, gripping it to keep his torso upright. His entire chest expanded and contracted like a bellows, his head hung with his mouth open and panting fit to blow steam. His belly visibly pulsed and throbbed downwards. His bare legs were bent around him, naked feet skidded on the floor as they tried to get under him and force himself upright. He was slick with sweat, dripping from his neck and back and even through his hair. His nakedness was covered only by a towel wrapped around his waist, and it, and all the towels under him, was soaked in blood. Sanzo couldn't even begin to guess where the blood was coming from, but he could only guess Kanzeon Bosatsu had kept her word and had 'provided' for the birth. Hakkai emerged from the washroom with a fresh towel, and got to his knees and moved the soiled one to the pile under his bottom. Sanzo saw Gojyo's toes spread and his mouth stretch wider, and he started to vocalize in angry groans as a new contraction started. His head shot upright, and his pupils, pinpricks against bloodshot whites and wet crimson irises, focused on Sanzo. Hakkai followed Gojyo's gaze, and looked over his shoulder with rage in his eyes.

"Both of you, get out!" He clicked his tongue with disgust, and continued to manipulate something Sanzo couldn't see between Gojyo's legs. Realizing that he was not the only one gawking, Sanzo clapped his hands over Goku's eyes and mouth. Hakkai growled under his breath, and turned back to Gojyo. "If you don't leave before I have a chance to kick you out-"

"Goku needs to see that he's not dying."

"Fine. Do what you want." Hakkai turned around to Gojyo again, shook his head and got to his feet. "I made you something. I think you need it now." He returned to the bathroom for a moment, giving Sanzo a chance to stare, unblinking, as Gojyo flailed an arm out from where it hooked on the chair. He reached and grasped his hand out, until it landed on one of the torn sleeves. He shoved it into his own mouth, and nodded his head towards Sanzo.

_Happy now?_

Sanzo shook his head and looked away, as Goku tried to pull away from him. "Snn-zo, uh cn't brthe!"

"Hush up." Sanzo dug his pinky into Goku's ear, and he squeaked and struggled harder, shaking his chest and elbowing at Sanzo's sides. Hakkai emerged from the washroom with a silk teabag in his hands. He crouched in front of Gojyo and dangled by its strings a hand's breadth from his mouth. His lips pursed as he noticed the strip of sleeve hanging from either side of Gojyo's mouth.

"That's not healthy. You will chew on something better." He pulled the sleeve out, and held the teabag up again. "This is an old midwives' poultice." He swiped it under Gojyo's nose, giving him a whiff. "They're benign herbs that will mute the pain. It won't remove it completely, but it will let it and you'll still be able to feel the pressure. I could make it into a tea, but sucking it directly will be easier and stronger. If you want something in your mouth, make it this. Let me put it under your tongue."

"No, hell no!" Gojyo clenched his teeth as Hakkai tried to stuff the satchel in his mouth. He was interrupted by his own body, gasping, writhing, and moaning in pain for a moment, but he gritted his teeth and looked back at Hakkai. "Goddess said this was supposed to be hard on me. Let it!" His eyes shot up to Sanzo again. "Give me a bullet to bite!"

"No. Eat the fucking leaves." Sanzo's eyes formed slits, and he clamped down over Goku as hard as he could. He was going to leave fingerprints in Goku's skull as he gripped him tighter, but he didn't really care, and he lowered his voice and tapped the floor with his toe. "For god's sake, if you keep making that noise, people are going to think we're doing something fucked up here, and they'll come and check and see that we are!" He rolled his eyes. "Hell, I'm surprised the innkeepers aren't up here already!" Goku looked over the top of Sanzo's hands up at him- somehow, though he was hissing under his breath, his expression- thin lips, furrowed brow, cheeks sucked in- did not convey anger. He closed his eyes and his mouth formed a grimace. "Suffer if you like, but don't drag the rest of us into it!"

Gojyo scowled, but his expression broke as he had to hold a groan in his throat. Hakkai pushed the satchel of herbs towards his mouth, wearing a coaxing, gentle smile like he was holding crumbs out to a bird. Finally, Gojyo opened his mouth, and Hakkai set the small satchel under his tongue. The oils that flowed out coursed down his throat, and after only a few seconds, Gojyo felt his body go nearly numb. He knew the pain was there and he could feel blood, or something very much like it, still streaming out of him as the contraction ended, but he no longer felt the urge to scream out the pain.

"Hakkai, why is he bleeding like that?" Sanzo kept his hands firmly over Goku's eyes as he glanced to the red stain slowly spreading across the towel under his legs.

Hakkai chuckled, and took Gojyo's hand in his. "Ah, well, it would seem that the Merciful Goddess has quite literally ripped Gojyo a new one." His free hand drifted under the towel, and Gojyo flinched. "You need to get more comfortable with it. I'm going to have to touch it." Gojyo shouted something, but it was muffled by the poultice:

"It's f'ck'n snnsidv!"

"You poor thing." He smoothed his hair back, and Gojyo shook his head back, away from Hakkai's touch. Hakkai chuckled anyway. "Don't worry. I'm here with you. Even if nobody else is, I won't abandon you." Hakkai's smile fell back into place, and Sanzo grunted under his breath. Hakkai glanced back at him. "Has Goku heard enough?"

"I suppose so." Sanzo tilted Goku's entire body away, and shoved him into the hallway. He held him out at arm's length and dug into his sleeve. "I have-" He felt Gojyo's eyes land on him, and looked down and away again. "I... I have the limiters. Hakkai-"

"F-" Gojyo spat the poultice down. "Fucking limiters?! You got goddamn limiters?!" Sanzo kept his eyes on the floor and his lips drawn tight like purse strings. "You seriously think I- is that how fucking low your opinion of me is?!"

"No matter who fathered the child, there is a chance it could be a youkai." Sanzo tossed the limiters at Gojyo's feet. Gojyo clenched his teeth, as Hakkai put the poultice back in Gojyo's mouth. "If the half of you that is youkai proves dominant, I do not want you to have to watch your child go mad." Gojyo scowled at Sanzo, but silently lowered his head.

Hakkai did not turn around. "Thank you, Sanzo."

"Whatever." With that, Sanzo swept back into the hallway, seized Goku, and steered him back into their room. He only released Goku when he'd pulled the door shut with his foot. Goku brushed his shoulders off, then set his hands on his hips and arched his back towards Sanzo in a sassy rebuke.

"Man, you didn't have to grab me that hard! I've seen blood an' stuff before." He straightened up, folded his arms and turned away. "Poor Gojyo, though." He hung his head, shuffling one toe towards the wall. His eyes darted between the adjoining wall and the floor. "I didn't know he had so much blood in his tummy."

"He shouldn't," Sanzo admitted, and shook his head and looked at the opposite wall, withdrawing a fresh cigarette from his robe. "But it looks worse than it is. I'm certain of that. It's not so bad." He inhaled the smoke of his cigarette deeply, trying to calm his pounding heart. "There's nothing we can do; nothing we need to do."

_He doesn't need me. He doesn't want me. So I'm not needed. Fine. It's not my job. Not my place. The goddess is taking care of him._ He exhaled through his mouth and nose.  _He... he wouldn't want me. Not after all I've put him through._

On the other side of the wall, Gojyo was relaxing- or what passed for relaxing at this stage, which meant settling on his knees and trying not to drool around the poultice- as Hakkai pressed his hands against the flesh just above Gojyo's pubic bone. He was smiling now that Gojyo was no longer screaming in pain, but as his fingers dug deep into Gojyo's flesh, the smile seemed more plastic than ever. He set his hands on his thighs and sighed. "Gojyo, I'm afraid I don't feel the head. I feel feet." Gojyo moaned a bit, but he was gagged by the pouch of herbs. He knew enough about childbirth to know that that was a bad thing. Hakkai pushed his monocle up his nose, eyes inclined down towards his right hand. "Breech births are incredibly difficult. Not impossible, but very difficult."

"'N'thr way?" Gojyo asked into his breastbone, glaring downwards.  _Not even alive yet and you're giving me shit._

"The only other way is for me to perform a Caesarian section. However, I am not a doctor, I am not a surgeon, and I am not going to put a blade anywhere near you unless I have to." He set his fingers alongside Gojyo's hip. "I can't see myself stuffing your insides back in, even though you did it for me before. I don't want to fail you. Besides that, we can't be certain of what is inside of you, or where it's all been placed or displaced to. For all I know, the baby's wrapped up in your intestines." He gave Gojyo's side a pat, and lifted his eyes, his plastic smile given fresh paint. "But it's not impossible for us to get through this naturally. After all, as long as those herbs last, you won't feel any pain." His fingers crinkled back from Gojyo, drawn away like they'd been burned. "I can feel that you're having a contraction. You feel pressure, but no pain, correct?"

"Mhm."

"Good." Hakkai nodded, and rolled up to a stand, and Gojyo got the sudden, odd sensation that he was looking down his nose at him. "Yes, that should last about three hours. Your labor's progressing smoothly and quickly otherwise." He strolled away to the washroom and scrubbed his hands clean. "You seem to have a cervix, as it's already almost fully dilated. I suppose the goddess has enough mercy to make this go quick for you." He returned, and stared down at Gojyo again. "Why didn't you say anything when your labor started?"

Gojyo felt a chill run through his gut. "W's... 'lone..."

"I see." Hakkai scratched his chin. "I suppose that's the best I can ask of you." He crouched before him. "You seem to keep quiet so often, especially over the last year. I thought we were friends, you know."

"W'... w' 're..."

"And yet, here I am muting you this time." Hakkai got down on his knees. "That poultice doesn't allow you to speak freely, but at this point, it's more important that you keep quiet, isn't it?" He leaned forward and wrapped his fingers around the strings of the bag, each slow bend of his fingers almost menacing. "Now that it's in full effect, you would rather keep numb, wouldn't you?" Gojyo's head almost vibrated from how quickly he nodded. Hakkai smiled, but menace poured out of his tilted brow. "Right. You don't want to feel any pain. And yet... I have the strangest urge that I'd rather you talk than feel no pain." With that, Hakkai pulled the bag out. Gojyo stretched his jaw out to try and bite it back, but Hakkai held it just out of his reach. "You realize Sanzo raises a valid point- no matter who fathered the child, there is a possibility he could be a youkai. But you've been reluctant to give me any information at all. So, is the father more likely to be human or youkai?"

"Human," Gojyo panted, shaking down to his fingertips as the pain came flooding back. "Please- give me-"

"I suppose that would lessen the likelihood of you carrying a youkai- three to one, by my estimate- though I don't know what the rules would be. This has never happened before, after all." He started to swing the bag between his fingers. Gojyo opened his mouth and leaned towards it, but Hakkai kept it out of his reach. "It's just a pity we don't know who the father is. I'd like if he could explain it to me." Hakkai put the herbs back on Gojyo's tongue, but Gojyo's eyes were wide. From the gleam in Hakkai's eyes, this was the culmination of months of patience. He had waited for this opportunity.

"Dun do 'is t'meh." Gojyo shook his head, the strings of the bag swaying at his lips, but Hakkai smiled affectionately and rubbed his cheek.

"I only want to help you. Now that you're dependent on me, you will have to tell me the truth. I don't believe you're as promiscuous as you want me to believe. You know who the father is, don't you?" Hakkai grabbed the strings of the satchel again, and that same smile had never seemed more sinister. "I think you should tell me."

* * *

The hour had passed slowly. Goku had fallen asleep after a few minutes, and Sanzo had sat by the wall and listened. He could hear Hakkai talking to Gojyo in a whisper on and off, but he could only hear grunts from Gojyo. However, he was having trouble enough listening to the voices in his own mind, reminding him over and over:

_This is not your battle, your burden, your job, or your mission. None of this is yours. You are not needed. You have no ownership in this. You have done everything you can. It's not like he wants you there anyway._

Still, as the hour passed, he started to hear bouts of full speech from Gojyo- somewhat indistinct through the wall, but Sanzo knew frantic when he heard it. He finally caught an earful of what Hakkai was saying:

"But if you did know who he was, wouldn't you want him here?"

_No._

He couldn't hear Gojyo's response, but what he did hear was much, much worse. "You bastard! You twisted bastard!" Gojyo's voice broke straight to a screech, and Goku shot upright in his bed. Sanzo felt it like a sword dragging against concrete, sparking and igniting a fire through his gut. A series of loud  _THUMP_ s indicated Gojyo struggling, feet pounding on the floor. He screamed aloud, in a way Sanzo could only equate to taking that same sword up through the perineum and through guts, lungs, and heart.

"Why is he screaming again?" Goku rubbed his eyes. "I thought he had those herbs."

"They may not be strong enough," Sanzo mused, touching his fingers to his lower lip as he thought. "I don't know what sort of pain this is, but it must be hell." Goku's head inclined towards his lap, but suddenly jerked back up towards Sanzo.

"Hey, I had a thought."

"You had a thought? Don't hurt yourself." Sanzo scoffed and rolled his eyes. Goku groaned, and turned to his feet.

"I'm just tryin'a help, you jerk!" Goku looked to the wall like he could see through it, then back to Sanzo. "Don't people sometimes talk about going into the water when they're in pain? That's why old fogies like you like hot springs and all."

"Huh." Sanzo couldn't say it out loud, but it seemed Goku actually had a valid idea enough to distract him from beating his face in. "Hot water would be a bad idea, but Hakkai did say water was a natural pain reliever." With that, Sanzo lurched towards and banged on the wall. "Hey! Put him in the goddamn bathtub!"

"What?" Gojyo gasped, then winced as he tried to draw breath again. He looked desperately up to Hakkai, feeling his eyes sink in. "Hey- maybe- kappa- water-"

"It's a good idea." Hakkai swung the herb pouch around his fingers, taunting the dog with his dinner. "I suppose I'd need some help to keep your head above water. Sadly, I have no help, as you refuse to tell me who fathered your child and really, nobody else deserves that privilege."

Sanzo and Goku had heard this rebuke loud and clear, and Goku's jaw dropped. Sanzo's jaw had fallen slightly as well, eyes wide. His head whipped around towards Sanzo, scandalized. "Oh, no way! Hakkai's refusing to help him!"

_This is not your place, this is not your job, this is not what you should be doing._

"I am helping him as much as I can." Both of them jerked back when Hakkai responded through the wall. "But I need the truth." Gojyo saw Hakkai's hand clench into a fist, as he pressed his other palm to the wall. "He almost killed himself the way Kanan did, and I want to know what monster I have to thank for his suffering." Goku gawked and Sanzo's eyes fell, darkened, as they realized Hakkai's grudge. Through the wall, both heard Gojyo's voice choke into another cry, cracking, breaking, and dissolving into a sob. Goku kept listening intently, fingers glued to the wall, but Sanzo pushed himself back, turning to stare at the floor. Gojyo couldn't stop the tears anymore, his body slouching towards the floor. The red pooled on the floor below him, flowing out faster than ever, unimpeded by towels or what little control Gojyo might have had. Hakkai, however, stood tall over him, glaring down over the rim of his monocle. "Speak."

"I can't! I made a promise! I signed a contract! I can never say it, please don't make me suffer for it!" Gojyo could barely breathe, and the effort of speaking was making the pain that rolled through him even worse. He cried out again, with tears that formed from the wellsprings of pain behind his eyes rolling down his cheeks.

Sanzo clenched his fists and teeth, digging his heels in on the floor.  _This is not for you. You agreed to your terms. You would never talk about it. No strings attached. He would deny you if you said anything. It would be meaningless._

Hakkai seemed to take in Gojyo's answer, then slowly knelt again, his face towards Gojyo's, arm already extending. His hand drifted to his nether region, but Gojyo drew his hips back and away. "Hold still." Unable to move further, Hakkai was able to touch and feel a part of Gojyo that neither knew he had. "You're almost there now. Your suffering is almost over. Why would you suffer more?" Gojyo grunted again, trying to pull himself in and away, but his knees were as far under him as they would go. The blood was starting to seep into the tatami mats, and as Hakkai leaned ever closer, his hand landed in it with a soft splash. He put his lips to Gojyo's ear. "I'm not even mad at you anymore. I'm only mad at him." Hakkai took and squeezed his hand. "Even if you did make a deal with the devil-"

"I wasn't alone, dammit!" Gojyo's back arched, he gasped as the pain reached a new height, then screamed. Hakkai clicked his tongue and squeezed his hand again. "He-" Gojyo wheezed. "He went down with me. It was wrong, and it was nasty, but it was s-so good-"

"So you let him hurt you? You would let him suck the life out of you?" Hakkai caressed his cheek.

"You have no idea what it was like. I could have left or stopped, he would have let me- but-" Gojyo choked. "But I could be with him- I didn't want to go- and- I couldn't find a way out. There was no other way out but to let it hurt-" Hakkai shushed him, but he cried out in pain again.

_There was a way out._  Sanzo closed his eyes again, as every second he spent holding Gojyo came back to him.  _I didn't want you to go. I would have held you down with breezeblocks if I could. But- you- you would never trust me. I never trusted you._

"I was looking for a way out." Gojyo's voice cracked when he could speak, and tears that sourced from more than pain fell, hot, onto his chest. "I couldn't- just, over and over and over and over, it was all I thought I could do- I didn't want to! I just wanted-" Gojyo gasped again and again, chest heaving, and finally broke into a scream.

"This isn't right," Goku whispered, looking back towards Sanzo, but to his surprise, Sanzo's back had arched forward, his fingers pressing into his forehead, his shoulders and legs shaking. "Hey, Sanzo?"

_What did you really want?_   _I know what I wanted. I still don't know what you wanted. What are you waiting for?_

"Gojyo, why would you lie for this long?" Hakkai frowned as he leaned over him, ignoring the shift in his muscles as he tried to force down. "It sounds like you actually cared about him, why wouldn't you say anything?"

"I told you! I promised!" Gojyo heaved, in and out, in and out. The only sound he could hear was his own blood rushing through his ears. "Even if my heart was on fire- I could never- would never- He said he'd tear my face off and make my life a living hell."

_Well, Sanzo?_  Sanzo's heart jumped- the voice in his head was no longer his own, but he could see the Goddess between him and the window.  _Is your heart on fire?_

_No. No. This isn't my place. This is not my burden. This isn't what he wants._

_'But what is it that you want?'_  Sanzo looked up at this new voice, and saw him. All red hair and baby smiles, the boy lost in the forest stood with his elbows folded over his head. He grinned at Sanzo, and tossed his hair back.  _'You know the truth, don't you?'_  Sanzo stood upright again, half-frozen.

_No._

Hakkai sighed, settling his backside into his calves. He adjusted his monocle, and fixed Gojyo with an even stare. "Gojyo, I only want you to be happy. Just say his name." Gojyo struggled to keep himself upright, still trying and trying and trying to breathe. "I'll punish him. He's hurt you so badly." Hakkai shook his head. "Won't that make you happy? Give me a chance to punish him."

"No!" Gojyo found air enough to scream. The blood had reached his feet. Hakkai wasn't even making pretense at cleaning it, and Gojyo felt his heart crack. "It was my idea- what I did- it's my fault! If anyone should be punished, it's me, and I am!" The pain roared back suddenly, worse, like fire from his belly up, and he screamed again. Hakkai impassively shook his head. Gojyo managed to speak again as the pain ebbed away. "I… I am being punished. Don't I deserve this?" He forced a laugh. "I can't break the contract… if I did, I'd never be able to speak to him again… don't make me tell you his name. He'll deny me outright, and I…"

"Do you love him, Gojyo?" Hakkai cocked his head.

In the other room, Sanzo could see the vision of the child start to vanish.  _'You know the truth...'_

"I…" Gojyo gasped as the pain stung anew. "I don't know… all I know is that I don't want to lose that chance… can't lose him… I can't break the con-"

_I do._

There was a sickening ripping sound, Hakkai whipped around and Gojyo looked up to the door, where Sanzo now stood, arms apart, hands gripping two halves of a broken contract. Hakkai could almost see his aura, red with rage as he dropped them to the floor. Sanzo strode across the room, snatching the satchel from Hakkai's fingers as he rushed in the other direction to pick up the pieces of paper and put them back together. Goku appeared at the door behind him, gawking between Hakkai, Gojyo, and Sanzo. Sanzo seemed to calm as he knelt down by Gojyo and tucked the herbs back under his tongue, and Hakkai unfolded the contract and ran his eyes over the terms quickly. He pulled his robe off and tossed it off, then unwrapped Gojyo's from the chair and pulled him close to his knees. His hand slipped into Gojyo's, and Gojyo, bewildered, gripped it tight.

"Consider our contract broken." He glanced at Hakkai over his shoulder. "You're cruel, Hakkai."

"You're one to talk." Hakkai dropped the contract, and put his face in his palm. "You're a real monster. A true King of Rats." Sanzo turned away from him.

**(Suggested Track: "Atlas," Coldplay)**

"I'll kill you later." He looked into Gojyo's eyes, watching the tears sink back and away. He decided to ignore Hakkai, who slunk off to acquire fresh towels, and focus on what he knew to be important. "You're a fool." He clasped Gojyo's hand and squeezed it. "You should have broken that stupid contract a long time ago."

"What, am I stupid?" Gojyo shifted the herbs to the side of his mouth. "I thought you hated me, and if I did that, you'd never look at me again." Sanzo shook his head and rested his other hand on Gojyo's midsection.

"I don't hate you." He pressed his fingers in and caressed him. "But you're right. You were afraid. I should have broken the contract before now." Gojyo could see that soft, tender look he thought he'd imagined before creep back in under Sanzo's eyelids as he looked between Gojyo and his middle. "This is my child. I should have taken responsibility." Gojyo couldn't hold back a grin, even though his eyes brimmed with tears of pain. Sanzo wiped them away with his fingers. "I'm here now. I will hold your hand, I'll comfort you, and I will take you to the river-"

"The river?" Hakkai interrupted, dropping the towels in his arms.

Sanzo nodded, and cradled Gojyo closer to him. "I'll suppress his bleeding and carry him if I must." Gojyo looked up, confused, but with the numbness setting back in and his head beside Sanzo's heart, he was beginning to relax too much to care.

"Sanzo, that's an hour drive, even more on foot. Why would you want to take him there?" Hakkai gestured frantically, as Sanzo wiped the sweat from Gojyo's forehead, took a towel and started to clean the blood off his legs.

"Sanzo, weren't you born in a river?" Goku asked from the door, cocking his head to the side. Hakkai's head lifted in realization, and his eyes shot back to Gojyo and Sanzo. Sanzo looked up meaningfully, bracing Gojyo's body to his.

"Ah."

Without another word, he helped Sanzo wrap Gojyo in a clean towel. Sanzo pulled his robe back on and helped him, shivering and slouching all the way, to his feet, and Hakkai draped a blanket around him to cover him. Gojyo leaned on Sanzo, and Hakkai helped him support Gojyo in a stand and keep him upright as they walked the barefoot man down the stairs to the exit. Goku jumped back as the trio passed him.

"Goku, close the door! Man, you're totally useless," Gojyo managed to tease, and Hakkai giggled. Goku scoffed and shut the door, then took up the rear. Thankfully, in the wee hours of the morning, there was nobody to speculate about the strange, slow parade. However, the innkeeper's wife had roused from the screaming and waited for them in the kitchen. She moved into the foyer as she heard them coming, and her jaw fell at the sight of Gojyo, shivering under a blanket with blood dripping around his feet.

"Oh dear, is that-?" She looked to Hakkai. "Whatever has happened to him?" Hakkai blocked her view as she asked this, and Sanzo supported Gojyo's weight as they slowly crossed the room.

"You're doing fine. Lean on me."

"He's ill. Very, very ill," Hakkai answered the innkeeper, shifting his body as he listened to them pass behind him. He cast a glance over his shoulders at Sanzo. "We need to find him a doctor, and it'll be easier to take him to the doctor than to bring him here. I'm so, so sorry about all the noise." He looked back to her and bowed at the waist. "I promise, we'll make amends." He turned again to Sanzo's retreating back. "I can assure you of that."

Hakkai followed the party out and roused Hakuryu, and with a few tetchy chirps, he turned into the Jeep. Hakkai packed a few supplies in the trunk, as Sanzo caught Gojyo up into his arms, then shifted his weight back and looked to Goku. "Move the seat, please."

"Ooh, Daddy Sanzo's bein' all polite!" Goku grinned.

"You can taunt me when my hands are free." Sanzo's upper lip curled, and Goku giggled and ducked under Sanzo to move the front seat forward. Sanzo lifted Gojyo higher and lay him carefully in the back seat, then carefully climbed in and repositioned Gojyo's torso to rest his head in his lap. Goku pushed the seat forward and took the shotgun seat, but turned around, fingers perched on the shoulders of his seat, as Gojyo groaned in discomfort.

"Shh." Sanzo muttered, smoothing Gojyo's hair back from his face. "You're so noisy. You'll wake up the entire city."

"Nothing to see here," Gojyo chuckled weakly. "Just us, gettin' freaky in the back seat." Sanzo's eyes seemed softer- not smiling, but perhaps as close as Sanzo got- as he shifted the poultice onto Gojyo's tongue.

"It's okay. Nobody's looking. Just take your medicine." He pulled Gojyo's shoulders further onto his knees, his head against his breast, as Hakkai jumped in.

"Is everyone secure?" He looked into the back seat, and Sanzo nodded. Hakkai started the Jeep, ignoring Goku as he tumbled from his backwards perch on the seat and had to scramble back and put his seat belt on. Sanzo's eyes turned behind him at a jolting sensation in his mind, brow furrowed in a frown. Hakkai noticed. "What is it?"

"It's nothing." Sanzo's face softened as he turned around again. Hakkai revved the engine, and they rumbled out of town and into the wilderness. Sanzo took a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, but instead of smoking it, he held it in the air to let Gojyo smell the smoke: incense for a sinful soul.

_I have to comfort you somehow._

"Relax. We really are in deep water now, aren't we? Not much else we can do." His fingers drifted into Gojyo's hair, tangling into the soft, damp strands that hung loose by his head. Gojyo shivered, and his hands jerked from his sides to hug onto his middle. "Ah- is something wrong?" Sanzo took hold of both of Gojyo's hands. "It's... it's uncomfortable. That's my fault, of course."

"Sh't 'p. S' j'st shaking."

"Shaking. That's right. How did Goku do it?" His hands slid lower, down under the swell, and he embraced Gojyo steady to him. "It shouldn't shake so much anymore." Gojyo nodded, and moved the poultice to the side of his mouth again.

"Thanks."

"Stop that." Sanzo put it back under his tongue. "Idiot. You don't need any more pain. I don't want you to hurt any more than you have to. Haven't you hurt enough?"

"No m're th'n I-" Gojyo swallowed, trying to shift the poultice, but Sanzo held it still.

"You have. I think so." He squeezed Gojyo's hand, and Gojyo squeezed back. "I won't make you talk." He lifted his hand, with Gojyo's still enveloped in his fingers, to Gojyo's heart. "It... it is amazing, isn't it?" Gojyo rose one eyebrow. "That the two of us could create life. I didn't want to believe that I could. But you, as alive as you are, changed that." He bowed his forehead to touch it to Gojyo's. "And after all I did. I hurt you."

"S'nzo-"

"But you kept this light alive. You carried my burden. You did everything I couldn't. Thank you so much." Sanzo kissed Gojyo between the eyes, then straightened up to see new tears at the edges of his eyes. "Don't cry- you're about to be a father."

Gojyo lifted one hand and pulled the herbs from his mouth for a moment. "I'm not crying because I'm sad, stupid. I can't hold it back anymore. You're about to be a dad too, and baby ain't waitin' any longer." Sanzo silently took in his meaning, eyes wide, as Gojyo put the pouch back in his mouth.

"It's my turn to carry your weight." Sanzo shifted his hand lower to touch between Gojyo's legs, and looked away as he realized what he felt beneath. "Both of you." Hakkai glanced back, the wheel jerking, and he put the pedal to the floor.

"Gojyo, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but don't push. I'm going to need to help you with this." Gojyo nodded, and braced himself to Sanzo.

"S' g'nna be ok'y." He smiled up at Sanzo, and Sanzo smoothed his hair back.

"You're right." Sanzo held him tight. "We are."

**(Suggested Track: "Saeglopur," Sigur Ros)**

The rest of the drive was nigh silent but for Gojyo's uncomfortable grunts and groans, and Sanzo steadied Gojyo as Hakkai hit the brakes by the bridge and threw the Jeep into park. The water was between high and low tide, the trees bowing over it, the stars a canopy over a new-found cradle. Hakkai helped lift Gojyo from Sanzo's lap, and Sanzo clambered out and hoisted Gojyo up and out. As he got to his feet on the ground, the blood-soaked towel dropped from between his legs to the dirt, and he clutched himself tight, groaning again. Hakkai tried to fix the blanket around Gojyo, but Goku had already seen what he was trying to hide.

"G-Gojyo, it's-!" Goku panicked in place, nonsense filling in the void in his head that escaped directly to his mouth in a babbled scream. Gojyo gritted his teeth.

"Th're's n'thing I c'n do 'bout it!" Gojyo snarled as a wave of pain washed over him. His knees gave out, but Sanzo caught him under the arms. He pulled the poultice out and flung it aside. "This damn thing… it's not helping anymore!"

"Here's where the trouble really starts," Hakkai muttered, and followed Sanzo as he half-carried him to the bank, then walked him to chest-deep water. His robes were dragged in the current, as Gojyo and Sanzo splashed out into the middle. He dropped to his knees, crying out again, and Sanzo hoisted him back upright.

"Something is wrong." Sanzo's eyes tilted down, then to Hakkai. Gojyo, however, had the answer.

"The stupid-little-fucker is up-side-down!" Gojyo choked out.

"He's acting up already, is he?" Sanzo kept his lips thin as they sloshed through the chilly water. "Evict him. If he doesn't know how to live inside you, you'll have to teach him better when he's in your arms."

Hakkai cupped his hands and called to Sanzo from the shore. "Sanzo, hold his arms, keep his head over water. Gojyo, let your body rest with the current." Sanzo nodded, and held Gojyo's torso upright against his chest. Gojyo leaned back against him for support, trying to find footholds on the rocky riverbed. His legs naturally splayed outwards, and floated towards the surface.

"Sanzo..." Gojyo's eyes rolled up towards him. Sanzo hooked him in his elbows, bracing him tight.

"You're okay. It hurts, I know." Sanzo set his hand under his back. "Just enjoy the water, Gojyo. Let it put that fire out. I think we've been in deep for long enough."

Hakkai, on shore, pulled his supplies from the trunk and set a pair of scissors and some odd clamps in his pocket. He handed Goku a towel. "Stay here, alright? Keep the towel under the heater. The water is cold, and I won't have a blue baby." Goku nodded.

"Good luck, 'Kai."

"I'm not the one who needs luck." Hakkai chuckled, then took his shoes off and waded in after Gojyo and Sanzo. Gojyo moaned again, and Sanzo could see the entire mass lurch downwards.

"Hakkai! Now!"

"No need to shout. I'm here." Hakkai rolled up his sleeves, and centered himself with a slow exhale. He took hold of Gojyo's ankles under the water. "You're going to feel this." Gojyo choked on his spit as Hakkai used his fingers to check the birth canal. Gojyo suppressed a whimper as Hakkai teased something he couldn't see- he only knew that something was emerging from him, almost against his will, and Hakkai was manipulating something around it. Sanzo gripped Gojyo tight, but freed one hand enough to splash water onto his sweat-soaked brow. Hakkai nodded to Sanzo. "Lift his torso so that his hips tilt down. Gravity will be our friend tonight." Sanzo hoisted Gojyo up at this behest, and Hakkai forced his hand up to the wrist into Gojyo. Gojyo yelped with surprise, but Sanzo shushed him.

"Don't be a baby." He cradled Gojyo under his chin. "You've had bigger." Gojyo's face contorted between a smile and a grimace- he obviously wanted to laugh, but now was not the time. Hakkai finally pulled his hand out, and Sanzo could see over Gojyo's shoulder that there were now two tiny feet exposed. His stomach wrought itself into knots, but Hakkai seemed unfazed.

"Ah, so this is like birthing calves." Hakkai nodded sagely as he re-examined his work. Sanzo shivered, struggling to keep his shoulders steady. Hakkai looked up towards them. "I think you're ready to push." Gojyo took a deep breath, arched his back, and forced downward on instinct. His breath escaped in a squeak, and Hakkai patted his leg. "Easy does it- only push on the contractions. Otherwise, you'll pull something."

"Push and pull, I don't care. Get the damn thing out of him." Sanzo's hands trembled, and he steadied his heels on the rocks as he shook out the nausea.

"Sanzo, your child is not a thing," Hakkai reminded him. Before Sanzo could retort, Gojyo gasped for air. It wasn't coming, as his muscles all contorted around him like a fist clamped over his stomach. He struggled, and Sanzo clutched him tight, wrapping an arm over his shoulders and holding his chest up.

"It's killing him!" Sanzo snarled at Hakkai, and Gojyo felt his vision go fuzzy. Pain rushed over him like the waves, through him like the current, and he felt like he was sinking into the eddies. Before he could fall completely out, Sanzo pulled him back up and splashed water on his face, then whispered, pleading, in his ear: "Stay aware. Listen to the sound of my voice, stay with it. I won't leave you, don't leave me."

Hakkai touched the flesh between Gojyo's legs again. "Gojyo, try and push on the next contraction. Your body's doing the work without you, and you don't have the stamina to wait for it." He smiled in a show of encouragement and bravado. "Try and put some effort into it. I'm going to ensure the arms don't catch and try and pull him in the right direction. When it starts, I'm going to count to ten. While I count, squeeze down through your hips with all your might, and release when I get to zero." Hakkai kept his hands around the baby's ankles, and Gojyo took a deep breath as the ache started at the top of his abdomen and started to roll down. He groaned as the air in his lungs escaped, and forced down as much as he could. Hakkai's voice, counting down, was almost lost in the rush of the water. Sanzo kept his grip tight, trying to watch both Gojyo and the child emerging from him. Hakkai kept his grip high on the baby's legs, gently feeding them outwards, and Gojyo cried out as they slid out. "Zero." Gojyo exhaled sharply, and all the force he'd mustered expelled with his breath. The baby was stuck at the belly as the contraction ended. Hakkai, however, held its hips and pulled again. Gojyo shouted, shocked, but it was enough to bring the baby a little bit further forward. Gojyo, however, panted and grunted, flailing against Sanzo in pain. Hakkai looked up from him. "You can stop pushing."

"I-I did!" Gojyo felt his lungs flatten, and had to force them to inflate. He screamed again, the muscles seizing just above his hips. "It- it- it won't stop!" Sanzo had to look away, feeling his heart twist. He could see the baby now, or half of it, and it was almost impossible to imagine that such a small creature was causing so much pain.

"It's okay. Just a little aftershock." Hakkai took another deep, calming breath, but it didn't seem to be calming anybody down. "Now, the shoulders. They're the broadest part, and I need to be sure the arms don't get twisted around..."

_He's talking to himself,_  Sanzo realized. He hoped that Gojyo didn't notice that Hakkai was possibly as clueless as they were. He couldn't quite tell.

"I'm going to die." Gojyo looked up at Sanzo, shaking his head wearily. "I'm going to die, and the kid ain't gonna make it, and it's gonna be all my fault."

Sanzo frowned gently down, and gave one of his bangs a tug. "Don't talk like that. I'll kill you myself if you give up now."

"Jerk," Gojyo wheezed, and Sanzo slipped his hand back into his.

"Shut up."

"It should be coming back any second, Gojyo. Brace yourself. What I'm about to do- This will hurt." Hakkai touched Gojyo's side with his palm. "But if the shoulders get stuck, you will be beyond my limited abilities and resources."

"Do what you have to." Gojyo managed to lift his head enough to meet Hakkai's gaze, and made himself heard over the rushing current. "Get him out. I want to see my kid." He braced himself against Sanzo, just as the wave of pain hit. Hakkai counted down from ten again, but this time, Gojyo couldn't hear him; he was only aware of Hakkai sliding his fingertips around the baby's sides, and his own urge to scream. He forced the arms into the opening and out. Gojyo opened his mouth, but he didn't have the energy to scream anymore. He stretched his mouth open like a snake unlocking its jaw, wider and wider the lower the contraction traveled. With Hakkai twisting the baby's entire body and all the force Gojyo could muster, the shoulders burst forth with a gush of hot fluid that was quickly lost in the cold river's rush. Gojyo tried harder to breathe, finally filling his lungs, and with one last effort, the head emerged. Hakkai took the tiny newborn in his palms and brought it to the surface. Sanzo lifted Gojyo further from the water so he could see the still-attached infant in Hakkai's hands.

It was a moment of marvel that hit them all like a deluge. "It's a little boy." Hakkai smiled, fatherly affection radiating out and down. The infant coughed and spluttered water and gunk from nose and mouth, then his tiny chest expanded and opened like a pink balloon. He released a shrill cry, then began to breathe on his own power. Sanzo lifted a fist in front of him, the closest he'd ever let himself get to a bicep-polish.

_Good job! One breath down, millions to go._

Gojyo panted for breath, barely able to smile at his new son, and Hakkai turned a proud grin to him. "You did well. See?" He set the baby up onto Gojyo's chest, and Gojyo freed one arm from Sanzo's hold to cradle him and keep his tiny head out of the water. Up close, Gojyo could see his eyes blink open, dark blue, wet, and strangely peaceful. Up close, he had a thin layer of fluff on his head; pale, but in the moonlight it looked gold. Gojyo chuckled hoarsely, his breath rattling in his throat.

"Nice to meet'cha, Yohei." Gojyo quickly turned his eyes up to Sanzo for approval. Sanzo nodded, and bowed his head reverently.

_He's so small. How could he have gotten so twisted around in all that space?_

"Hold him steady." Sanzo set a hand on Yohei's shoulder, and Hakkai used the clamps to cut the circulation on the umbilical cord, then sliced it away. Sanzo shifted his free arm from under Gojyo to touch Yohei's fuzzy head with his index and middle fingers.

"He's so soft. So small." Sanzo wiggled his fingers from side to side, feeling the grain of the hair on his fingers. "We'll protect you with our lives."

_We_. Gojyo scarcely had time to bask in the afterglow of that word when more pain started to roll up through him. "Take him. I'm so sore n' tired; I don't wanna drop him." He lifted Yohei up towards Sanzo, and Hakkai caught him up and wrapped him in his sash.

"What a handsome nephew." Hakkai touched his nose to his forehead. Gojyo watched, his head dipping down into the water. Hakkai was too busy fussing over Yohei, and Sanzo tousling his little shocks of hair. He didn't want to say anything, chewing his lip to try and maintain his peace as both stood in awe of the miracle before him, but the ache wasn't going away. He let out a few strained whimpers, but finally couldn't hold it back.

"It's coming back! It still hurts!" Gojyo groaned again as the muscles contracted around him. Sanzo's hand slipped back into his, his arm locked in around his elbow, and Hakkai sloshed for the shore.

"Hold him steady. We just have to deal with the placenta- easy as pie." He tromped through the rising water onto the sandy shore. "Goku!" Goku rushed out to meet Hakkai, and Hakkai held his hands out. "Take Yohei. Both hands." Goku held his arms out, and Hakkai lay Yohei against him. "Wrap him in that towel, lay him on his back, up next to the heater. If you like, you can put him on your chest, where it's nice and warm." Goku nodded, bobbing his head up and down eagerly, and clutched him close. Hakkai jerked forward, hands out, but relaxed; Goku wasn't grabbing him too tight. "Watch him carefully, he's very small and he might prove fragile. If he stops breathing, yell."

"I got him, Kai. Hi, little cousin Yo!" Goku hop-skipped to the waiting Jeep. He wrapped Yohei up in the towel, lay him down on the shotgun seat, and stared intently at his rising and falling chest. He wasn't quite certain of what had just come to pass, but he was more happy to meet his tiny new friend.

Sanzo could feel that the water was rising; the moon must have been tilting them towards high tide. He hoisted Gojyo up higher, keeping his head above water as he writhed and moaned out the pain. He finally took breath as the contraction released, and Sanzo kissed his forehead as his lungs filled. "You're almost done. Just a little further." Hakkai splashed back towards him, his legs catching as his pants soaked through.

"The placenta should be very loose after all that effort. This should only take a minute. Frankly, I'm surprised it didn't go on its own-" Hakkai set his hand on Gojyo's abdomen, but his hand stiffened. He hadn't realized just how big he still was. Gojyo started to pant and grunt with pain, and Hakkai took the loose cord in his hands and tried to tug, but it didn't budge. Worse, it seemed to retract, and Gojyo's lungs forced a weak shout. Hakkai paused in his efforts, as Gojyo's eyes sprung wide with epiphany, and he touched the swell under his ribs.

"There's still something moving in here."

"Ahh. It all makes sense." Hakkai's eyes and head tilted forward, and he rubbed his chin. "The more severe symptoms, the overabundance of ki- and I thought you were too big for a normal pregnancy." Hakkai's smile did not fit the revelation as he looked back up. "There must be a second baby." Fraught with fright and pain, Gojyo's eyes rolled back in his head. Sanzo dipped Gojyo's head in the water to rouse him.

"Se… second?" Gojyo felt the mud sloshing around where his brain used to be. "Twins?"

"All this time, and you didn't figure it out?" Sanzo gazed down into his eyes as Gojyo struggled through the pain. The annoyance in his tone didn't match the softness in his lips and brow, and he leaned close to add: "You must have enough magic left in you to give this one life too. You made it this far on that alone, right?" Gojyo couldn't answer, as his muscles restricted against him, pulling deeper into his gut. His legs buckled completely, and his body sunk. Sanzo tightened his grip and lifted him up to keep his head above the waterline, but Gojyo could feel his muscles trembling- even he was starting to run out of strength. Hakkai called the new information up to Goku, and Goku jumped up and turned around.

"Go Gojyo! Show the brat who's boss!"

"Shut up!" Gojyo wheezed, and ground his teeth together. Water splashed up over his mouth, as he sunk and rose. "I… I can't do it, I'm too tired…"

"You have to," Hakkai urged, and set one hand on his lower back to help support him. "You carried them, now you have to give them life." Sanzo leaned down to speak into Gojyo's ear.

"I would have carried this one for you if I could. You are the only one strong enough for this. Do what the gods have bid you." Sanzo kissed Gojyo's mouth, and Gojyo shivered as he got to taste Sanzo again.

With his heart throbbing, Gojyo summoned what strength he had left, took a deep breath, and pushed through the next contraction. A scalp of red hair, deeper red than the blood flowing from him, pushed against the walls. His voice broke out in a new scream, air he didn't know he had, but the crowning head sunk back when he released, and he bit down- hard- on his lower lip. A hollow feeling set in the pit of his stomach- he'd felt it retract, and both Sanzo and Hakkai had seen it. Sanzo's eyes darkened, and he leaned down to speak intimately again.

"What do you wish to name this one?" Gojyo shook his head, swallowing the spit rising in his throat.

"No, I want to see it first."

"What if you don't see him or her?" Hakkai asked seriously, as his fingers crept up towards the birth canal again.

"I don't know. Didn't think that far ahead." Gojyo's insides trembled; his muscles were fatiguing fast. "Maybe Gojyo II- the Revenge of Gojyo," he joked, sweat mingling with blood from his chewed lips. His face froze in a wince as his abdomen rebelled against him, his breath rattling in his throat, and he flailed one arm up like a man drowning. Hakkai's eyes widened.

"Breathe, breathe deep, you need to fill your diaphragm!" Hakkai dropped any subtlety he'd been attempting and forced his hands around the baby's head in a desperate attempt to drag it out, and Gojyo managed to gasp in breath and, just as quickly, scream it out again. Between Hakkai's and Gojyo's efforts, the head emerged, and Hakkai held it in his palms. "This one has more of your features. You're so close now. One more!"

"More of me. Lucky me." Gojyo groaned, and Sanzo's arms wrapped around his chest.

"Lucky us." Sanzo surged his chest upwards, and his legs shifted down. Hakkai almost had to go underwater completely to work between Gojyo's legs as he sunk lower in the water. In spite of Sanzo's added brace, his strength was fading the longer he had to support himself.

"I'm really in deep water now, huh?" He grinned again, then took one more deep breath and steadied his shoulders against Sanzo's ribs. The pain rolled back up into him, and Gojyo forced everything in him down through one more push. The shoulders emerged, followed quickly by the chest, and Hakkai wrenched the infant out and free with a single pull. In the same motion, he was up above the water, and he shrieked at the sky until Hakkai brought him down against his chest. The mass of blood that had protected him and his brother, loosened from the effort, came free in the aftermath and was away down the river the moment Hakkai cut the cord.

"It's another boy." Hakkai's face split with a full, genuine smile, as the baby coughed and cried in his arms. He was bigger than Yohei, though not by much, and he had lots of thick hair. Sanzo's entire face had brightened at the sound of him crying. Gojyo weakly thrust one arm out to take him, but Hakkai shook his head. "This water is frigid. We need to get you out of it before you pass out, not to mention him." Hakkai started to pull his shirt off, but Sanzo whipped his robe off and passed it to him. As Hakkai swaddled the baby in it and trudged for shore, Sanzo lifted Gojyo to the surface with one hand on the small of his back.

"Lift your feet, legs straight out, float on your back," Sanzo instructed. Gojyo, still out of breath and terribly weak, obeyed, and Sanzo moved to his side and set both palms under his weary back to guide him to the sandy bank. Hakkai waited for them, and as Sanzo laid Gojyo on the shore, he set the newborn on Gojyo's chest. Father and son were recumbent in the same place in the universe, with waves lapping over them, and both found air enough to calm themselves and let two sets of crimson eyes meet.

"Eiji." Gojyo cupped the boy's head in his hand, and tangled his fingers into his hair. "You're the same color as me." Sanzo knelt beside Gojyo and touched Eiji's hand with his index finger to push it closer to Gojyo, but Eiji wrapped his tiny, chubby fingers around it.

"Heh!" Sanzo bowed his head, and Gojyo almost sat up in shock- had Sanzo just smiled? Sanzo hooked his finger around Eiji's palm. "One of my fingers is as thick as two of his..." He set his free hand under Eiji's bottom, and Gojyo released him to let Sanzo catch his head and lift him up into his arms. "Sha Eiji. It sounds nice, and it suits him." He cradled the infant instinctively, and briefly brushed his lips against the boy's forehead. He tilted his head down to Gojyo. "I'll be back for you." He joined Hakkai at the Jeep, and Hakkai swaddled him in another towel. He placed Eiji in the Jeep's back seat next to Yohei, who was scarcely awake in the warmth. Eye to eye and nose to nose, the pair seemed to see each other, or at least sensed that the other was there. Both were mute but breathing, and both closed their eyes.

"Eiji and Yohei." Hakkai's warm, paternal smile hadn't wavered, and he folded a blanket over their bodies and shifted the towels they were wrapped in to cover their heads. "Welcome to the world, then!" Goku peered at the twins from around Hakkai with a silly smile.

"Man, of course one of 'em had to have Gojyo's face! Poor little guy's gonna be as stupid as Daddy." Sanzo, who'd returned to Gojyo's side, rolled his eyes and tossed his harisen to Hakkai, who used it to slap Goku across the back of his head.

"That was from him," Hakkai gestured to Sanzo, "And from me, might I suggest that Yohei seems to have more of Gojyo's features, and Eiji has a shorter face, like Sanzo's." He chuckled and smoothed the blanket down over them. "It's hard to tell now, but I think they'll be handsome in no time. Even Hakuryu thinks they are fine specimens." From the heart of the engine, Hakuryu cooed in affirmation. If any of the Sanzo party were in the mood to be honest with themselves, both boys were, as all babies are, fairly purplish, somewhat lumpy, a bit sticky, and not particularly looking like anyone. However, sentiment seemed to be ruling the moment, and none would be able to say anything short of glowing praise and get away unscathed.

Sanzo had pulled Gojyo up against his chest and tried to redress him in some spare clothes Hakkai had left on the shore, but with the mass in his midsection loose to the world, he was swimming in both pants and shirt. But for a soft pat of baby fat just above his hipbones, Sanzo would have guessed Gojyo had been starving- his sunken belly, depleted arms, thin chest, and hollow cheekbones screamed of nothing short of a parasite. He chose not to say anything, but wrapped his clothes tighter around him to try and keep him warm. Hakkai brought towels to them, dropped one onto Sanzo's shoulders, and crouched to help wrap Gojyo up.

"How are you feeling?" Hakkai smiled down at him, as Sanzo wrung out Gojyo's hair.

"Alive." Gojyo tilted his head back to look up at the sky, feeling full relief for the first time in months. Sanzo nodded, and scooped him up into his arms. Hakkai rose to his feet as well.

"I guess that's all we can ask for." Hakkai giggled, and set another towel around Gojyo's hair. "You've done enough for today. We'll go back to our inn so you can rest-"

"N-no, I gotta feed 'em," Gojyo interrupted, and tried to wriggle out of Sanzo's hold. Sanzo held firm, and looked down at Gojyo, his normal, serious expression back in place.

"I will feed them." His voice was calm and cool. Gojyo felt a soft sting in his chest, like someone had strummed the strings of a violin, and protested again.

"They're naked, they need clothes and diapers, my stupid ass doesn't have a thing for 'em-"

"I will clothe them and tend to their needs."

"Sanzo, they need to be held and comforted if they cry again, and if I sleep now, who will-"

"I will. I am their father," Sanzo countered serenely, and the warmth that had enveloped the party now seemed to flow directly from his eyes and mouth and into Gojyo's ears. "I will be Guan Yin with one thousand arms and give them whatever they require to live and be content. You will sleep until you don't need to sleep anymore and exhaustion is a distant memory." Sanzo kissed Gojyo again before he could respond, wiping away any response he might have had, then carried him to the Jeep. Hakkai scooped the twins into his arms as Sanzo lay Gojyo in a half-prone sit in the back seat, and then lay one infant in each of Gojyo's arms. Sanzo sat beside him, ready to keep him from tilting or falling. Gojyo held both infants against him in an awkward scoop at his sides, and smiled contently as they both shifted in their swaddling to nestle themselves close to his warmth.

He was asleep before the engine turned over. Hakkai couldn't help but briefly turn his gaze back to Gojyo, Sanzo, and the sleeping infants, and say softly to nobody in particular, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Notes: Most of you probably saw the surprise of Eiji coming a mile away, even those of you who didn't read this story when it was originally published. That's okay! For reference, Yohei does mean "flat sea," and Eiji means "great second son."
> 
> Some of you might have noticed a bit of an Easter Egg in the first part of the chapter, in the dialogue leading up to Sanzo's confession, starting from where Hakkai says "deal with the devil" and running to the end of the scene: a reference to all the suggested tracks used up to that point in the story. Silly and self-indulgent? Yes. But I had fun. For those of you that missed it (and care), and with the lyrics being referenced for the ones that are a little tougher to sniff out:
> 
> "I wasn't alone" - Alone Down There.
> 
> "... it was nasty..." - Miss Jackson. ("Are you nasty?")
> 
> "You would let him suck the life out of you?" - Time Is Running Out.
> 
> "I didn't want to go" - Do It With a Rockstar (answering the in-song question "Are you really sure you want to go when you could do it with a rockstar?")
> 
> "I couldn't find a way out" - The Whale Song. ("... I should find a way out so everyone can find a way out...")
> 
> "I would have held you down with breezeblocks if I could" - Breezeblocks.
> 
> "But you never trusted me. I never trusted you." - Don't Trust Me
> 
> "I was looking for a way out" - Aunt Betty ("Aunt Betty's in the basement, looking for a way out")
> 
> "Over and over and over and over" - Crimson and Clover
> 
> "This isn't right" - Notion ("I got a notion that says this doesn't feel right." It's a stretch, but hey.)
> 
> "What are you waiting for?" - Little Motel. ("'Cause that's what we're waiting for, aren't we?")
> 
> "Why would you lie for this long?" - Shiny ("Tell me why you lied")
> 
> "Even if my heart was on fire / Well, Sanzo? Is your heart on fire?" - Heart's on Fire.
> 
> The last reference should be kind of obvious.
> 
> Now, a question. There are a few side-stories or omakes for this story, but I haven't edited them or even touched them in years. Would anyone be interested in me reposting them here before I get into the last three chapters? If so, drop me a line! Other than that? More in two weeks!


	16. 10: How To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanzo learns to parent his children, and learns a little more in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. I apologize if Sanzo goes OOC.

**10: How To**

The forest was thick off the beaten path, fallen limbs and knotted roots as stumbling blocks in the dark for three sets of feet fleeing from the site of a miracle. Kougaiji led the way, stoic and silent, pushing his way through low-slung pine boughs and thick ferns that grasped at his boots and the hem of his pants. Dokugakuji had to help Yaone along; not that she was incapable of making her own way, but her eyes were clouded with tears of joy as they rushed from the riverside to try and follow the Jeep's rumbling wheels.

“Did you hear them, Doku?” She ran her fingers below the crescents of her eyes again. “They were so loud! Their little lungs are so healthy!”

“Yes, I heard them. And I've heard you gush about it at least two thousand times.” Dokugakuji laughed softly to himself, as she stumbled again. He caught her, and she threw herself at his shoulder in an excited hug.

“I can't believe it! It's so amazing!” He let her down as she continued to chatter excitedly, and the two continued dodging around trees and roots as they tried to catch up with Kougaiji. “Healthy little twins- perfect!” She clapped her hands together, still bouncing even as she ran. “Not to mention my tests worked correctly- it's a huge advance! I wish I could ask him about it- I'm so curious-”

“It's not going to happen.” Both Dokugakuji and Yaone stopped in place when they realized Kougaiji had stopped running. He turned around to face them. “Our involvement tonight has to remain secret.” His head slowly inclined. “We're not going to catch up to their Jeep on foot. We're not going to be able to see them.” Dokugakuji and Yaone both slumped forward, Yaone with a soft sigh.

“Oh, that's a pity. I just wish I could see the babies.”

“We've done enough. They made it to the world alive, right?” Dokugakuji folded his arms and smiled at the ground, then looked back up to Kougaiji. “So, now what?”

Kougaiji stuffed his hands in his pockets and rolled his neck. “We'd best go back before Gyokumen Koushu starts wondering why her assassins keep getting diverted from the Sanzo party's path.” He started to shuffle back in the direction from which they'd come. “Not to mention the idiots we dispatched in just the last hour. Besides, last time I checked in, I got some information about another sutra, this one without a Sanzo, not far from here, and I wanted to examine it closer. Plus, Dr. Jianyi sent some message about something he wanted to try, and he needed me- specifically, me- to come back straightaway.” Dokugakuji sniffed derisively, and Yaone shivered.

“That Nii is such a creep.” Yaone glanced sideways up at Dokugakuji, and the two turned to follow Kougaiji back in the direction from which they'd come, to where they'd left their dragons. “I'm just glad he didn't come nosing around us now- last thing we need is that perv near your brother's babies.”

“I'm glad too.” Doku smiled, and looked up towards the blinking stars. “Those two little guys... someday, I'll get the chance to show them the love they deserve.”

“Somehow, I think they've already got it,” Yaone countered with a sweet smile, and neither could see Kougaiji smile in front of them.

Their mission accomplished, Kougaiji's party returned to their original mission of stealing the sutras. Even if they had to kill their enemies the next day or the next, they could move on assured that they had done them at least one small favor.

* * *

 

Goku shoved the inn door open and held it as Sanzo blustered in, with Gojyo slung in his arms wrapped in a blanket. His robes were still dripping, and the blanket that covered Gojyo's body and head were soaked as well. The two of them appeared to have come out of a storm as Sanzo advanced into the lobby, followed by Hakkai, who held both infants on his chest and was just as wet as they were, and Goku, completely dry. The innkeepers hadn't returned to sleep after being woken hours before, and rushed from their kitchen to the doors to watch the strange procession.

They weren't quite sure what they were looking at, and Goku and Sanzo seemed just as surprised to see them as they were surprised at the party. Hakkai, however, smiled. “You folks are certainly up late! It's just as well, we needed a favor anyway.” He glanced to the two bundles in his arms. “We, er, found these.”

“I need milk and some cloth for diapers, something you won't mind not getting back,” Sanzo interjected, looking down at Gojyo in his arms and shifting him upwards. Gojyo's eyelids slid up and down a few times like a tilted baby doll.

“Sannnnn...”

“Shh.” Sanzo looked back up to watch the innkeepers, who had both approached Hakkai to survey the infants. He covered Gojyo's face, as Hakkai shifted the towel back from Eiji's.

“I'm sorry about the inconvenience, but-”

“No buts, now. These things happen.” The old man chuckled as he looked over Eiji's face. “Strange, but it happens.” He looked to his wife. “They're some tiny ones. We got any of those old bottles around anywhere?”

“I'm sure we have some up in the attic.” The old woman stood upright, smiling as she looked from eye to eye. “Don't you boys worry- we've dealt with ten o' these of our own over the years, not to mention the- what, thirty they've had?”

“Thirty next month.” He laughed, and clapped Hakkai on the shoulder. “I'm sure you lads have some wild story, but for the moment, let's get these tots fed and warm. I'll put some goat milk in the kettle.”

“Thank you for your assistance.” Sanzo turned towards them and bowed his head in an earnest way neither Goku nor Hakkai had seen in him. “Hakkai, will you-”

“I will.” He shuffled the twins up to his shoulders, and followed the innkeeper to their kitchen. Sanzo looked to Goku.

“Goku, go keep him company.” His expression was stern, but Goku could tell that he wasn't trying to be mean.

“Am I allowed to touch?”

“You may. But you will wash your hands and you will be gentle.”

“Promise!” Goku grinned, and bounded after Hakkai. Sanzo looked down to Gojyo, who seemed to be hovering delicately on the border of the waking world and Dreamland.

“Off to bed with you.”

“Sa...?”

“Hush.” Sanzo glided up the stairs, trying to move Gojyo as little as he could. Sanzo could feel his limbs swinging limp at his sides, his body gradually turning into jelly in his arms. He managed to open the door to Gojyo and Hakkai's room with his foot, but remembered only at that second the mess Hakkai had made of it. He lay Gojyo on one bed and pulled it back into place, then scooped the bloody towels from the floor and shoved them into the bathtub. It took him a moment, but he put the room back into relatively neat order. The worst was the tatami mats, which had stained through. _I can get them new ones. They saw him. They know he was- they don't know a damned thing. All they know is that he was dripping blood and he's better now._ He looked over to Gojyo. _He... he is better. Isn't he?_

He pulled the chair over to Gojyo's side and looked him over. His skin, which usually glowed pink on the surface with life, sagged in a purplish hue that matched the inside of an eggplant. His entire body lay limp now, and even as Sanzo lifted his right arm to start removing his clothes, he could feel each ligament and strand of muscle softer than if they'd been stewed. He did, however, pull Gojyo's damp clothes off again, and got an extended view of his body- or what it had been reduced to. He looked sick and sickly, not at all the picture of a new mother. Sanzo pushed it from his mind. _I did this to him. I have no room to be disgusted with it._ It didn't change just how flat his arms and legs were, how his muscles had deteriorated. “A few days of rest, and you'll be all better in no time,” he muttered into Gojyo's ear. Gojyo's breath rattled from his throat, raw from screaming, making him hoarse. He found a pair of pajama pants in Hakkai's bag and worked each noodle-like leg into them, then pulled a clean shirt over his head. Satisfied, he pulled the sheets and blankets up over him. “Here you go. Nice and warm. I'm going to get our sons once they've had their fill of milk. They're going to share the bed with you.” Gojyo didn't argue, having tipped over the line into sleep. Sanzo planted a kiss on his forehead, and though he rose to his feet again, found himself reluctant to walk away. His heart felt unpleasantly tender and soft, raw from the events he'd witnessed that night, and leaving this room would expose that raw spot to someone who could exploit it. Moreover, he was hesitant to leave him alone when he was just as soft and vulnerable. Still, he knew he was needed elsewhere. “I'll be back. I promise. I'll always come back for you.” He back-stepped a few times, then turned and left before he could drag his feet any longer.

He forgot that with a patron like theirs, they were never alone. Kanzeon Bosatsu appeared on the insides of Gojyo's eyelids, and seemed to be hovering over him in the chair that Sanzo had occupied only moments before. Se smiled down at him, in a kind, matronly way without a hint of hir usual sarcasm. “You've had a tough battle, haven't you?” Gojyo's eyes opened, then shut again. “Yes, I thought so.” She giggled, and smoothed his hair down. “You did do a good job. You did so much better than expected, given all I pushed onto you. You deserve a little reward, a little more than just the gift of being a Daddy, don't you?” He bobbed his head, though unable to move his mouth. Hir smile brightened. “Okay. I'll fix you. You can't tell right now, but you're pretty badly broken.” Se ran a hand down his chest. “Not your bones, but your muscles- they weren't designed for this kind of work. It might have been okay with just one, but not two. They're a hyperextended wreck. I'll repair that.” Se looked to his arms and legs, and traced the curve of his bicep with her index finger. “These could use some restoration, too. You haven't fought in months, and you haven't been eating well. I'll put those back to exactly the way they used to be. And that.” Se pinched the fat over his navel. His mouth stretched to cry out, eyes screwed shut, but he made no sound. “Well, that'll come off on its own. But I'll make it easy for you; after all, the ladies will be disappointed if your temple's in disrepair.” Se clasped his hand. “You did well! You're just as strong as I rem- as I thought you would be.” Se sat back, as if recalling something. “Just rest for a few days. Sanzo's got it all covered. I'll be watching over you, delivery boy.” Se vanished into the morning light, and what was left of Gojyo's consciousness faded into warm darkness.

* * *

 

Sanzo had entered the kitchen to find Goku and Hakkai each seated with a baby bundled in their arms, diapered and swaddled, each holding a bottle up to wet little mouths, and didn't know where to begin. He wanted to grab both and take them and hold them close, as it was his duty, but he would come up two arms short. He noticed something, and made a decision. “Hakkai, you're dripping. Give him to me.”

“Ah.” Hakkai looked down, as though he'd forgotten that he'd been in the river as well. “I shall go change, then.” He carefully passed Yohei into Sanzo's hands, and the bottle. “I've, erm, already weighed them, and recorded it, but I suppose the measurement will wait until morning.” He watched stiffly as Sanzo adjusted Yohei into his arms, scooping his entire back into one arm and cradling him to his chest. “Once he's full, you'll have to-”

“I'll figure it out.” Sanzo sat in one of the kitchen chairs, with Yohei nestled against his chest. Hakkai's shoulders stiffened further, halfway onto his toes, but he withdrew to get some clean clothes for himself. Yohei had whined softly when the bottle was withdrawn from his lips, but with it back in place, he didn't seem to know what to do with it. “Drink. Your stomach is empty, isn't it?” Sanzo pressed the nipple against his mouth, and he started to suckle again. Sanzo looked relieved, and Goku giggled over Eiji's head.

“Awww.”

“Shut up.” Sanzo wrapped his fingers around Yohei's bottom, holding him tight. “If he needs encouragement, I'll give it to him.”

“Babies don't _need_ encouragement. They just need love an' patience.”

“Who told you that?” Sanzo cocked his eyebrow.

“Nobody. It's kind of just something you know.” Goku turned his focus back down to Eiji, who'd stopped drinking. He set the bottle down, then put Eiji against his chest and patted his back. Sanzo could hear a soft, wet cough from Eiji, and Goku winced. “Ew.” He set Eiji down in one arm and started trying to wipe the back of his shoulder off with a nearby tea towel. “I didn't know that was gonna happen.” Sanzo seemed unimpressed, but noticed that Yohei had finished as well. Sanzo held up the bottle- it was still halfway full- and compared it to Eiji's- nearly empty.

“Were you not hungry?” He set the bottle down and twiddled his index and middle fingers on Yohei's stomach. Yohei's face scrunched up, and he started to cry. “No- don't do that.” He grabbed the soiled tea towel from Goku and laid it on his shoulder, then patted Yohei onto it. Goku cocked his head.

“I didn't think of that.” He watched as Sanzo tossed the sopping, stinking towel into the sink, then took Eiji from Goku's hands and scooped him into his other shoulder.

“Hmph.” Sanzo cradled each bottom on his forearms, his hands on their backs. “If they're full, I'm taking them to bed. You should change your shirt and do the same.” He pulled both of their heads a little closer to his chin, and Goku put the bottles in the sink and followed him out.

Sanzo took the twins up to Hakkai and Gojyo's room, where Hakkai waited, sitting at Gojyo's bedside. He smiled as Sanzo entered, relieved. “There they are.” He got to his feet and approached, but Sanzo held the twins tighter. “May I?”

“What do you want?”

Hakkai seemed puzzled. “Just to hold them.” He looked between the two swaddled bundles. “One of them.”

“They need to sleep. Don't they?” Sanzo shifted his weight back, and Hakkai broke eye contact.

“I suppose.” He reached a quaking hand out and touched Eiji's head. “I just wish it were reasonable for us to get a cradle to put them in. I worry about Gojyo disturbing them when he wakes.”

Sanzo looked down to Gojyo, and shook his head. “He seems to be still. He hasn't moved since I put him here half an hour ago. Does he normally toss and turn?”

Hakkai lowered his head and laughed softly. “You have children with him and you don't know.” He looked up over the edge of his monocle, a bitter smile in place. “Did you ever sleep with him, or was it just sex?”

“Only sex.” Sanzo could only answer bluntly, and he broke eye contact this time. “I'd put them in my bed, but it won't be as warm as it is with him there. They're small. They'll get cold. I'll sit here and watch them all if I must.”

“I suppose you're right.” Hakkai folded back the blanket, and Sanzo bent over and placed Eiji on his back on one side of Gojyo, his head beside his arm, then Yohei on the other. He unwrapped the blankets they'd been wrapped in, exposing their tiny arms and legs to the open air.

“There you go,” he whispered as he hung near Gojyo's ear. “All back together again.” He pulled the blanket up to their necks, and gently tented it up onto Gojyo's chest without covering the babies' faces. The infants squirmed, but didn't complain. Sanzo stood upright, looking at his handiwork, then seated himself in the chair. “Tomorrow, they need clothes.”

“I'll help.” Hakkai smiled softly, and sat on the edge of his bed. He fished one hand into a basket at his bedside, and offered a book. “Here. I brought these from the Jeep.” Sanzo didn't recognize this tome, but the cartoonish illustration of a stork carrying a smiling baby in a polka-dotted sling told him all he needed to know. “This one's new.”

“It is.” Sanzo took it, and ran his hand over the cover once. “I'll read it.” He flipped the book open, and the first few words were a welcome jolt to his system:

_“Welcome to parenthood!”_

* * *

 

Sanzo had read until he started to hear a soft whimper from the blanket. He threw the book over his shoulder and dove towards the bed. He first checked Eiji and Yohei, but both of them were still. He looked up to Hakkai, who seemed to have nodded off while reading, then back to the three in bed. He realized Gojyo's lower lip was trembling, hanging only slightly open. Sanzo realized that he was breathing heavily, and pulled the blanket back. Gojyo's entire torso was expanding and contracting in an unnatural way, pulling in around all of his muscles. The twins did start to mewl and whine at the cold air from the exposure, and Sanzo covered them back up. Hakkai, however, snapped to attention at the noise.

“Change 'em,” he slurred as he cleared the sleep from his throat, then got to his feet. He pulled out two fresh cloths from a parcel the innkeeper had passed him and pushed them to Sanzo. “It's been at least two hours. They're going to be wet.”

“They're only complaining because they're cold.” Sanzo lowered his eyes defensively, but Hakkai's raised eyebrow communicated an unamused sentiment, and he spoke firmer and clearer now.

“Just because they are not crying doesn't mean they are not wet. If they're crying, then you're not keeping up.” He laid an old, already yellowed towel on the floor. “How far did you get into the book?”

“I got into it.” Sanzo glanced back to the book, which had landed open behind him. “I don't remember reading that part.”

“What do you remember reading?”

_Welcome to parenthood! You've taken up the mantle on a very tough job! Nine months of pregnancy, as hard as they were, is nothing compared to the rest of your life. You're doing the right thing in preparing to be a parent by boning up on your childcare skills. Get ready for a crash course in how to love your new arrival!_

“The first paragraph.” Sanzo set Eiji down on the towel first and unpinned the cloth around his hips. _About 300 times._ Hakkai had been right- the cloth was damp, and Sanzo removed it, dried him off with some tissues, then wrapped a fresh cloth around him. He put it on snugly, but Hakkai swooped down and refastened it.

“Not too tight, not too loose. He needs to be able to move his body around, but not so much that it leaks.”

“I would have figured it out-”

“- leaving Gojyo sleeping in a puddle, or a very uncomfortable baby.” Hakkai finished before Sanzo could retort further.

“These are my sons,” Sanzo growled, and turned a fierce glare up at Hakkai. “I will do what is best for them.”

“You have no idea what you're doing.” Hakkai's voice was calm and icy, and stung in rude contrast to his polite smile. “What is best for them is for you to take the advice and assistance I'm offering. I have handled babies before. You, in many ways, are nothing but a child yourself.”

Sanzo bit back every insult he wanted to spit at Hakkai at that second, but swallowed his pride and waved Hakkai towards the bed. Hakkai rose from his knees to his feet, and picked up Yohei. “This one is damp too.” He knelt down again and slowly demonstrated a full diaper change, and tested the refastened diaper with his fingers. “That's how it needs to be.” He moved to put Yohei back in his spot, but froze when he looked down into the bed, and his eyes widened like he'd been hit. He pivoted on his heel and set Yohei back down in front of Sanzo, then pounded his fist on the wall. “Goku, I need you!”

Goku sat, half-asleep, in Sanzo's chair with both babies curled up against him, already asleep again, and Sanzo held Gojyo over his shoulder as Hakkai stripped the bed. Sanzo caught a glimpse of crimson on the white linen, and looked down to Gojyo's clothes. Blood had soaked his boxer shorts through, and was now draining down his legs and onto Sanzo's knees. Sanzo held firm, arms shaking in resistance to Gojyo's weight. “He's still bleeding? Why the hell hasn't it stopped?”

“I'm not sure, but it might be a little longer,” Hakkai confessed. “I honestly thought that wound the Goddess gave him would have closed by now.” He set down a fresh sheet and laid some towels on top of it, then beckoned Sanzo back to the bed. “We'll check him when we check the babies, and change the towels as needed.” Sanzo lay Gojyo back down, and Hakkai put the babies down on either side of him. “Goku, you can go back to-” He turned back around, and Goku had already fallen completely asleep again. “Well, that's that.” Hakkai took his seat again, and Sanzo sat on the floor beside the bed without complaint.

Sanzo had expected Hakkai to offer him the chance to go get some rest, but he knew Hakkai knew he wouldn't accept. He would have suggested Hakkai go put his head down, but as Hakkai flipped open his book again and started to read, he realized it would be pointless. Hakkai lifted his eyes from the page, over the edge of the cover, as Sanzo took up his book again. “You do play rough with your toys, don't you, Sanzo?”

“It was never my intention to break him.” Sanzo glanced up to where Gojyo lay flat and still. _Not this badly. Not at all._ He looked back down at his book, and reread the first paragraph again. _I just didn't know..._

_“How to love your new arrival. How to love your new arrival.” How to..._

* * *

 

The next several hours were spent alternatively feeding, changing, or watching the three out-of-action party members. Goku snored right through, and Hakkai nodded in and out until the sun finally rose and he left to get breakfast for the rest of the party. Sanzo had remained awake straight through the night, through every diaper change, through their soft cries of hunger, through their still, sound periods of sleep. Sanzo had reached the passage that informed him that newborns slept nearly eighteen hours out of the day, and he'd already figured out that they were non-consecutive. He didn't mind- he would never complain- but being awake for over twenty-four hours was starting to exhaust him. Hakkai, mercifully, brought coffee for him and Sanzo and porridge for all four adults.

“One of us will have to stay behind. Sanzo, if you go, will you know what to purchase?” Hakkai had emptied his bowl in record time, though he had somehow retained his manners in spite of this. Sanzo had only picked at his food, too busy watching the gradual rise and fall of the boys' chests. He shook his head when he remembered Hakkai had spoken. “Ah. Then I'll take care of it.”

Sanzo was left alone with Gojyo and the twins, but he had no soul to try read the books he'd been left, to finish his food or get himself tea, or really do anything other than watch them all sleep on. The babies looked so peaceful with soft white daylight pouring over their pink faces, and Gojyo was much the same. His mouth moved sometimes, but formed no words Sanzo could discern. He finally found the will to do more than watch, and leaned in to smooth and tousle Yohei's hair.

“You both look like me,” he mumbled, and Yohei's eyes opened. “Shh- sleep. Sleep.” He kept stroking his head, and his eyes slipped shut again. Sanzo shook his head. “Unfortunate thing... why do you have to have a face like mine?” His head lowered. _I wonder if those eyes will begin to look like mine, too. I wonder if he will be rejected like I was. Perhaps his brother- but his appearance is already cursed._ He scooted around to the other side of the bed, to look down at Eiji. _Taboo. He's going to hear it every day of his life. I thought that was the union of a human and a youkai, if you can call what happened between us a union at all._ He traced the dimples in Eiji's cheeks and chin. _Their fates are sealed. I've set them up for disaster. And yet... I never thought I would enjoy looking at these little miracles._ “You did make miracles, Gojyo. Even if they do both look like me, they're really quite beautiful.”

“S...” Sanzo jerked to his feet when he heard Gojyo make a cogent sound. “Sa...?”

“No, go back to sleep.” Sanzo backed up, heart racing, as Gojyo's body shifted upwards like a lifeless puppet pulled up by strings. “Back to bed, you idiot!” Sanzo moved to shove him but stopped himself, and Gojyo's head fell forward as his back straightened.

“S... San... Sanzo...” His head lifted, and Sanzo could see the exhaustion still laid bare in his face. He tried to lift a knee, and whimpered. Sanzo tried to move in and help him, but Gojyo shoved him back. “Gotta... Gotta...” He pulled his knees in and turned his body towards the edge of the bed. Sanzo dove in and snatched Yohei from his path as he tumbled from the bed and staggered on wobbling legs to the toilet. He slammed the door shut behind him, and Sanzo heard the telltale noise of linen hitting linoleum.

A long moment of silence. Sanzo clutched Yohei tight, staring at the door. Then, after what felt like an eternity, a deep, wheezed gasp, and then the sobbing started. They were soft at first, then slowly louder, and Sanzo felt the guilt start banking in his gut. Sanzo was sure that no tears fell, that his eyes were dry, but there was nothing but agony in the pained noises Sanzo could hear through the door. He could only faintly hear the familiar noises of a man confronting his bodily functions, and it was unsteady, on-and-off. There was a choking hack, then a weak, “Oh god,” then silence again. A few last drips, and Gojyo groaned softly. Sanzo shivered.

_His lower muscles are ruined._

Sanzo waited for a whole fifteen minutes after he heard the sink tap start running for Gojyo to emerge, even when Yohei started to whimper in the cold. Sanzo finally put him down and under the quilt again, and forced the bathroom door open. Gojyo had fallen asleep on his knees with his hands still under the running tap. Blood was pooling under his knees, and Sanzo let his face form a slow wince.

_He made miracles. I only made a fucking wreck of him._

Sanzo lifted him up again and put him back in the bed, just as the door opened. He swallowed when Hakkai and Goku entered, arms loaded with bags, but didn't turn around for fear of jostling Gojyo's eyes awake again. “Lots of nice warm pajamas for our babies!” Goku chirped, and dropped the bags in a heap around him. “What'cha doin'?”

“He got up. I'm putting him back in.” Sanzo tucked the covers down onto him, but halted for a moment when his hands landed on his middle. “Huh.”

“Is something wrong?”

“His stomach- it's normal.” He rolled up the bottom of Gojyo's shirt. What had been sunken and swollen in places seemed to have shifted back into the shape Sanzo remembered seeing the first time Gojyo took his shirt off in front of him.

“Hey, yeah!” Goku beamed and prodded Gojyo's arms. “In fact, it looks like his muscles are starting to come back all over!”

“Thank goodness for that.” Hakkai moved in, but instead of testing Gojyo's muscles, plucked Yohei up and started to pull a blue, terrycloth onesie onto his chubby arms and legs. Sanzo took him and laid him back down on the bed, as Hakkai did the same to Eiji, dressing him in yellow and tugging the feet on securely. “Now our babies are nice and warm. Wonderful.” Hakkai's smile seemed to glow like sunlight, as Sanzo's head fell. “It's almost feeding time now as it is. I'm going to weigh them on the kitchen scale again.” He cuddled Eiji to his chest under his chin, a genuine smile lighting his features with the same pale illumination as soft morning light. “Sanzo, take Yohei, come along.”

“Goku.” Sanzo looked to him, and set a hand on his shoulder. “Can I trust you to watch him?” He nodded to Gojyo on the bed, and Goku grinned.

“Sure.” He chuckled, rubbing his nose. “Man, Sanzo, you're actin' like someone kicked you! Cheer up! There's cute babies around!” He slapped him on the back. “They're yours an' everything! You should be crazy happy!” He paused. “Or, uh, as happy as you can get.”

Sanzo pulled out the harisen and gave Goku a light tap on the head. “Don't patronize me.” He put the harisen down on the bedside table. “Give him a swat if he starts trying to get up again. Failing that, come get me.”

“Oooh!” Goku swiped the fan up and turned it over in his hands a few times, and Sanzo and Hakkai carried the infants out. Sanzo scooped his bottom up, holding Yohei close and letting his nose fall near Yohei's ear. His skin and hair smelled strangely sweet, and though Sanzo wanted to pull him in closer, tighter, his old instincts drove him to keep at least a token distance.

_How am I supposed to love you? I'll only hurt you. Just because you're mine, it's my duty to love you. I have to love you, but I don't even know what that means._

* * *

 

It was later that afternoon that Sanzo realized the depth of what he'd wandered into. The three had been taking shifts watching Gojyo and the babies, with Hakkai and Sanzo taking the bulk of the work and Goku mostly keeping watch around the inn for any sign of attackers. Hakkai had demanded Sanzo take a rest- “If you abuse yourself, you will make yourself useless to them.” He shooed Sanzo towards the hallway with Eiji in one hand. Sanzo's instinct was to snap his hands out and swipe Eiji into his arms, some small, angry voice somewhere inside of him whispering, _'My baby. Mine.'_ He resisted this urge, but fought all the way towards his room.

“At least let me stay in there with them. I can sleep in the damned chair.”

Hakkai put on a painfully polite smile and dug fingernails in on Sanzo's shoulder. “You will put your head down on a pillow and shut your eyes.” He pressed his palm outward with a shove that may have been gentler than he intended it to be. “You need to rest properly, or you will exhaust yourself, at which point you will run the risk of making an error.” Sanzo took a step back, as Hakkai held Eiji closer. “You could stab one of them with a diaper pin, or overheat the milk, or drop one-”

“Fine! Fine!” Sanzo turned on his heel, pushing his wrists back as they landed, rigid, at his sides. “I'll sleep. But if anything happens, you will summon me.” He stormed the two meters to the next door down, threw it open with a clatter, and slammed it behind him. He caught his breath, unsure why he was so angry at being given a reliever, but this confusion was quickly outweighed by his desire to go back.

Just to see them. Just to watch them breathe.

_There were months I could have been taking care of him- them. He was calling out for me and I forced myself to stay away. That they all survived is a miracle. I... want... need... want... to be sure they continue to survive._

He hesitantly flapped the end of his sash, then loosened and untied it, and started to pull off his clothes and toss them onto the chair.

_But if I should hurt them because my mind is dulled..._

He lay himself down and settled his head on the bed. His hands slid to his sides, imagining where the twins were laid at Gojyo's hips.

_I wonder if I would give them enough body heat. I wonder if perhaps they should come and sleep with me. When I wake..._

His eyes slipped shut, and remained so for at least a little while, but snapped open when he heard a wild shriek from the next room. Sanzo didn't have time to redress or even bother to comb his hair as he scrambled from the bed, skidded into the hall on his tabi and almost into the opposite wall, then forced the door to the other room open. He was greeted by a stench the likes of which he could only compare to the outhouses by unreliable restaurants, and pinched his nose. He took in as much as he could with three looks around the room:

Hakkai lifting Eiji and Yohei from the bed. Goku peeling the blankets back on Gojyo. A river of what looked like thin, liquid black sludge pooling where the mattress sunk in, under Gojyo's hips and on both boys' legs. His jaw fell slack, and his initial instincts told him to shut the door and walk out. His next thought was, _'What have you done to them?'_

“Good timing!” Leave it to Hakkai to put a bright, smiling face on this. “I was just coming to get you.” Sanzo fixed his glare on Hakkai, nostrils flaring, his expression screaming volumes of questions at him. (Most of these questions were 'What the fuck?' but nonetheless.) “It seems that goat's milk disagrees with somebody.” He slipped one finger into the edge of the diaper, and Sanzo wouldn't have caught his lower eyelid twitching if he hadn't been expecting it. “Or both somebodies; I can't be certain at this point. And it also seems that these diapers are not adequate for blowouts, nor airtight. Long story short, I could use a hand.” He held Eiji out. “It's time for their first bath.” Sanzo thanked whatever providence had kept him from putting his robe on and took Eiji in one arm, and Goku approached him with Yohei. Sanzo held his arm out and scooped Yohei into his chest as well. He didn't know quite how to handle both bundles, except to imitate how Gojyo had cradled them on the ride back the night before. He felt more than saw Hakkai behind him, tucking the baby book under his arm, and a bottle under the other. “There's a how-to in the book, and the liquid soap is going to be much easier than a bar.” Hakkai stepped back. “Take them down to the bathhouse, there should be a shallow basin you can use there.” He looked to Goku. “I'm going to need you to hold Gojyo while I strip the bed.” Sanzo froze, and peered around Hakkai to Gojyo. He slept on, as peaceful as before, oblivious to the mess soaking in around him. Hakkai tapped his wrist, then made a “shoo” gesture with the fronts of his hands.

Sanzo found the scoop carry to be more awkward than he had imagined, but perhaps it was his imagination. Neither wriggling infant seemed to be getting out of his grip, even when Eiji started to whine. “Shh. Shh.” Sanzo shut his eyes and hurried on faster, sure he was imagining the scrutinizing eyes of the other inn guests and the innkeepers. The inn had a small bathhouse adjunct to the rear door, and while it was only equipped with an extra-large soaking tub and a shower and stool for rinsing off, it was enough. As Hakkai had said, there was a steel basin too, probably meant for someone looking to soak their feet while showering, but it would serve. He set the boys down on the floor, letting their heads down as gently as he could and hoping the foam mat was enough cushion for the moment, and dropped the book and soap near them when he lifted his arms. He started to fill the soaking tub, and filled the basin from the tap. He could just hear them squirming in the cold and the discomfort of their damp clothes as he dug two towels from under the step up to the tub, and pulled the basin from under the tap and set it on the floor by the shower drain. He started to reach for Yohei, then froze.

_Wait._ He pulled the book closer and flipped it open, then scanned the first few lines and diagrams. _This is..._ He tested the water with his fingers, and drew them back immediately. S _oaking tub taps are always boiling hot._ He turned the shower on cold and set the tub under the spigot, then started to pull Yohei's clothes off. He didn't seem to appreciate this, worming his limbs out in eight different directions at the same time like an octopus on uppers. “I know it's cold, and you're tiny,” Sanzo found himself muttering, “And you're losing body heat. But sitting in filth is going to get you sick.” He tested the water again, and found it closer to lukewarm and just above body temperature. He checked the book again, then dumped half of it out. He splashed the bottom, water reaching just above his wrist, then transferred Yohei into the water. “Better?” He splashed some of the water from over his belly up onto his chest, then undressed Eiji. He winced when he unfolded the diaper, and swallowed a gag. “I see you're our culprit.”

He cupped his hands, scooped water from the soaking tub, and dribbled it from between his palms onto Eiji's body. Eiji whined and flailed, and Sanzo felt the vein in his forehead start to throb. “Stop complaining.” His fingers twitched when Eiji shrieked. “If you make this hard on me, I will-” He held his tongue, remembering that the infant could not understand him and as such wouldn't respond to threats. “I will... be very cross with you.” He sighed, then splashed Yohei's chest again. Yohei splashed back, lifting his tiny hand and bringing it down in a soft impact. Sanzo couldn't quite define the noise that sprung to his throat, but it tickled his tonsils. Satisfied that the bulk of the filth had been rinsed from Eiji, he lowered him into the tub next to his brother. The water rose, putting both of them up to their chins in water, tempting Sanzo to empty some out. However, they didn't complain as he gently poured water onto each of their heads, then groped behind him for the soap. He didn't want to risk taking his eyes off of them for a second- they had done alright in water when linked to Gojyo, but he was their only lifeline now.

_They could drown so easily. They could sink under, and they're not strong enough to lift their heads to the surface. I will not allow that._

He found the bottle and popped it open with his thumb, and gave it a quick sniff- _watermelon? No- apple, maybe pear._ He squeezed some into his palm. _Sickly sweet, but whatever._ He just touched his finger into it, then rubbed it onto Yohei's head. He repeated the motion on Eiji, and spread the rest of the soap over the rest of their bodies. He then used the flats of both his palms to rub the soap in on both of their heads at the same time, then itched his fingers in to lather it in their hair. Whatever wiggling and whining they'd been up to stopped, and Yohei closed his eyes and let his shoulders relax. “You like this, do you?” He hadn't even realized he was going to speak until it had emerged, and wished he could swallow his tongue when Yohei's eyes snapped back open. “No, shh, please stay calm.” Yohei's unfocused blue eyes blinked a few times, seeming to glance over Sanzo. _He is calm._ “Do... do you like the sound of my voice?” He moved to rub the soap in on his legs, using both hands to scrub it in. Yohei's mouth opened wide in a soft coo, but Eiji whined. “Oh, but you don't want me to let go, do you?” Another of those soft, undefinable noises sprung from his gut to his mouth as he laid one hand on Eiji's head and lathered his neck, and washed the rest of Yohei's body with the other. “Your father- he would have wanted to see this. He's the one whose voice you should love, for all the time he spent talking to you.” He switched, soaping Eiji and rubbing Yohei's head. The twins didn't smile- Sanzo knew they couldn't, their lip muscles were not so sophisticated yet. However, when he rinsed them, dumping cupped palms of water onto their heads and exposed feet, he could feel their contentment.

He pulled Yohei out first. “In first, out first,” he reasoned to himself, talking as much to himself as to the twins so they could keep hearing his voice. He swaddled Yohei in one of the towels, wrapping him from head to toe while making sure to give his hair a fluff and pat-down, then setting him flush to the nearly-filled soaking tub. Sanzo checked Eiji's legs and bottom for any further sign of mess before taking him out and laying him on the other towel. “Can't throw you out with the bathwater, can I?” He finally recognized the soft noise that he couldn't stop himself from making- a giggle. An honest-to-goodness, good-natured, _hell_ , paternal chuckle. No sarcasm, no sneer involved. He knew he'd heard such sounds out of himself before, but they were so rare he barely even recognized them. He could even feel the peaceful smile he wore as he looked down at the two swaddled infants, clean, warm, and happy in front of him.

“You... you are happy now, aren't you?” He picked them both up and folded his legs under him, looking between their calm, blinking visages of babyish bliss. “Yes, I think you are.” His arms seized, and he pulled them both close. The sweet smell of their skin and hair, especially the soft spots of their scalps, was only more powerful despite the lush scent of soap trying to inhibit it. “I... I...”

The door swung open, and Goku staggered in with Gojyo wrapped in the sheet laid in his arms. “Still here?” He grinned, and started to unravel Gojyo, to Sanzo's suddenly-sprung rage.

“What are you doing?”

“Hakkai said I need to wash him when you're done with the babies.” He propped Gojyo on the stool and leaned his body on the wall, then turned the shower on. Gojyo's face twitched as the chilly water started to run down through his hair and over his face and soak into his clothes. Sanzo drew in breath so quickly it nearly burned the back of his throat.

“Take them.” He picked up the twins and thrust them at Goku, causing him to drop the sheet and stagger back. “Put them in my bed if you must while Hakkai finishes cleaning, and don't take your eyes off of them. I will deal with him.”

“But what if one of 'em cr-”

“I don't _care_ if they shit all over my bed. I don't. I'll bathe them again if I have to.” Sanzo turned off the cold water and started to strip Gojyo's shirt off. Goku shifted the babies into the crooks of his elbows, as Sanzo struggled with Gojyo's limp limbs. “I don't care if I must sleep on the floor while my mattress is replaced. Take them, take them inside to Hakkai, and make them comfortable. I'll be in soon.” He hoisted Gojyo up, ignoring that he was heavier than he had expected, and yanked loose the knot holding his pants on. Goku looked between the twins one more time, and nodded.

“Okay. Just go easy on him, okay? I'll come back with some clean stuff for him to wear.” Goku let a slow, understanding smile come across his face, and tiptoed out, babies nestled in his arms. Sanzo scoffed and pulled Gojyo's boxers away, and half-froze when he realized what he was doing.

“You'd probably be pissed if you found out I stripped you naked,” he grumbled as he lifted Gojyo up and took a step up to the soaking tub. He dipped his hand down, Gojyo still precariously balanced on his elbows, and tested the water. “I don't care about that right now either.” He let Gojyo down, pushing his bottom onto the bench inside the tub. His head fell forward, chin lolling on his Adam's apple and just touching the waterline. Sanzo took the scrub brush from the wall and squeezed some of the baby soap onto it, then used it to scrub down onto Gojyo's back. Gojyo didn't respond, and Sanzo could only tell from the ripples of the water under his nose that he was breathing at all.

_It's fucking eerie. We've just been tossing him around like a rag doll, carrying him here and there, lifting him up and setting him down. He'd object to this kind of treatment if he were awake._ Sanzo scoffed under his breath and scrubbed his arms and shoulders. _He'd probably even think it kinky that I undressed him._ He glanced down to Gojyo's cock, which didn't seem to be reacting. _He'd probably mock me if he even knew I was thinking about his naked body. Yeah, asshole, I've seen you naked. It's not even a big deal anymore._ He looked down again, over Gojyo's filled-in muscles, the body mass he was somehow gaining back. _I don't even care just how... how you look under your clothes. It doesn't matter right now. No matter how much I want to look, I'll treat you like a doll until you're well again. If I wanted to appreciate this..._ He swallowed. _I should have done so when I had the chance._

He poured a generous dollop of soap onto Gojyo's hair and combed his fingers through, working up a nice coat of foam. He hadn't realized, when he ran his fingers from root to tip, just how silky it would be, even dirty. The soap was only helping. It slid across the webbing of his fingers, slick and smooth, absent knots and tangles, like strands of unwoven silk thread. The hair on the back of his neck pricked up at the sensation. He could just imagine, if he'd ever let Gojyo come chest to chest with him while they'd been in the act, the feeling of his hair brushing against his shoulders and chest as he let Sanzo thrust up into him. _ Oh.  _ He heard himself echo it aloud: “Oh...” _This... why didn't I even touch it before, except to hold a fist in it and pin him away from me?_ He continued to comb it out, watching it shine in the flickering light from the overhead bulb. _I smelled it, though, when I held him. It was... it was wonderful then, too. I wonder if maybe he'll let me..._ He halted himself, biting his lip when he realized that train of thought's destination. He rinsed Gojyo's hair, shaking the notion back, and quickly shifted focus to the rest of him. However, with everything he washed, he realized something about Gojyo's body he'd never even thought of.

_His chest is so taut- and his nipples pucker when I just touch them._

_The muscles in his back are... no wonder he so easily handled everything I put him through. And when he thrusts upwards... goddess, it's amazing._

_His ass- god damn. I never paid attention to it except the spot I was hammering, but now I want to roll it in my palms and squeeze it and-_ Sanzo had to bite his lip and withdraw his arms from the water, letting the scrub brush float to the surface. He dug his fingernails into his forearm, punishing himself and trying to think about anything but Gojyo's body. _Just a doll. Not a sexual being. A doll that I thrashed and rent and wrecked. I have no right to enjoy any of him._ He moved around to the front of Gojyo, his chest aching as he tried not to think of what he'd done to the beautiful body before him. He tried to think of anything less sexual. _His hands- no, he could do some amazing things with them if I'd let him. His feet- his toes. Yes. Those aren't sexual at all. Some might find them such, but not me._ He delved in again and retrieved one of Gojyo's legs, and pulled it up into his reach. He ignored the toned muscle that made his legs look whole and not at all wholesome, and lathered and scrubbed his toes. _They're... they're not perfect. Nothing on anyone is, there's no such thing. But the way they curve in is really sort of unique, isn't it?_ Sanzo gave the pad of his foot a gentle tickle. Gojyo's lips slid upwards subconsciously. _Yes. You do like that, don't you? I... I made you smile._ He finished washing his right foot and switched to his left, going up to his shoulders in the steaming water to latch onto his thigh. He lifted it and slowly washed his other leg, making sure to give attention to every thin sinew, every rippling muscle, and finished between the toes. Gojyo smiled a little wider, and Sanzo actually heard a soft, innocent laugh. _That's new. I made you make a lot of noises, but not that one._

Gojyo's eyelashes fluttered as his eyes half-opened, and his dreamlike smile suddenly became lucid. “San...” His head lolled back weakly, and Sanzo shifted behind him to lift him out of the tub.

_Talk to him. Keep him grounded._ “You're clean now. It's baby soap, but you smell nice.” Sanzo cradled him up into his arms, and Gojyo slung his arms around his neck, still dead weight. “You're looking healthier, too.” Sanzo had barely had time to think about it, but Gojyo's physical form looked to have returned to exactly the way it had been before the boys had come along. He didn't know what providence he had to thank for that, as he wasn't sure how wise it would have been to let him recover on the road.

Gojyo's mind was a different story. Even as Sanzo carried him down the step and balanced him on the stool again, he looked around slowly “Sa...? Bo... boys... where?”

“Upstairs.” Sanzo pulled a towel over his hair and mussed it around roughly. “Hakkai probably has them all dressed back in bed again.”

“Nn.” Gojyo's head fell, and Sanzo dove in to catch him before he could collapse.

“That's enough for you for today, then.” He sighed, resigned, unbuckling his knees to let the both of them down to the floor slowly. He wished he could slap Gojyo awake and chew him out for falling asleep in such a bad position, but it wouldn't help anything. _Still_ , he thought as he toweled the rest of Gojyo off, ignoring the water soaking into his pants and shirt from the floor and off of Gojyo's sopping hair, _this was not a bad thing to happen._ He pulled Gojyo into his lap like a child, letting his legs sprawl out over him. _You smiled. You laughed. Our sons were happy too. I had no idea I could do things like this, especially since I gained nothing from it._ He wrapped Gojyo's hair in a fresh towel and held him close to wait for Goku or Hakkai to come back with fresh clothes. _But... did I learn something?_ He vacantly hummed something soft, slow, and peaceful for a moment before stopping himself cold, then pulled Gojyo in closer. _I want to do it all again. Just to make you smile. I know I shouldn't enjoy it, but it... it feels so good..._

He didn't know what else to think of himself, and that tiny snap of positive dissolved into the whirlwind of confusion he'd been living in for longer than he would have liked to acknowledge.

* * *

 

Dinner time came a few hours later, and at Hakkai's urging, Sanzo took the twins down to the dining room with him, nestled in a blanket-lined basket. He couldn't imagine why Hakkai had wanted this. Neither infant seemed pleased with the noise and bustle of the restaurant at its busiest, whimpering and crying out. Sanzo, irritated, cast the occasional glare over to Hakkai between bouncing and jostling the twins one at a time to try and keep their attention on him, to keep them amused, or just to keep them quiet.

“It's okay.” He held Yohei's ear close to his mouth. “I'm here. I won't let anything hurt you.” Yohei whined and flailed, and Sanzo groaned. Eiji whined a little louder, and his call quickly turned into a full cry. Goku's hands darted in and claimed Yohei under head and hindquarters.

“Cousin's got him.” He grinned and cradled Yohei, freeing Sanzo to pick up Eiji. However, the moment he did, his lower eyelid twitched and he took in air over his shoulder.

“Hakkai, do we have spare diapers? This one's trash.” He sank from his chair and knelt on the ground, taking the blanket from the basket and spreading it on the floor. Hakkai reached to his side for the diaper bag and passed Sanzo a package of wet wipes and a clean diaper. Sanzo began the process of changing and cleaning Eiji, hitching his breath back to avoid the smell. Goku had to bury his nose in his sleeve, but Hakkai seemed unfazed. Their fellow patrons were in Goku's camp more than Hakkai's, though, and it wasn't long before a sot wearing coveralls at the table nearest Sanzo whirled on his stool to scowl down at him.

“That shit is nasty. What kind of dumb fuck brings a baby to a bar anyway?”

“One whose father needs a drink and a hot meal,” Sanzo found himself snarling back, forgetting that he should probably keep his mouth shut while applying powder.

“Can you do that fucking anywhere else?” The man in his work gear got up and crossed his arms. “The fuck are you even doing with a baby here?”

“He needs to get used to noise, and he needs to be exposed to people.” Hakkai answered this time as Sanzo balled the spent diaper and held it up behind him. Goku took it, still pinching his nose, and took it to the trash can. Hakkai glanced over Sanzo's shoulder and nodded, then added to their antagonist, “If we shut him away until he's big enough to control himself, he'll never build any immunity to the rest of the world, and he'll be afraid of everyone he meets.”

“That shit is fucking nasty! You couldn't fucking wait to change his shitty ass? Take your ugly fucking brat out of here so I can enjoy my drink, or I'll fucking-”

_CLICK._

Sanzo had his banishing pistol out, the safety turned off, pointed directly at the worker's head, still pinning Eiji down with his free hand. “Say one more word about my child. I fucking dare you.” Sanzo shook his head to himself, feeling the tremor working its way to his fingers. “You demand I leave him sitting in filth because _you_ find human physiology offensive, and then you threaten an _infant_.” The worker looked taken aback, and even took a stunned step back towards his seat.

“You're the dumb fuck who brought a baby to a-”

“I brought _two_ babies, you idiot, or are you as blind as you are stupid?” Sanzo had continued to change Eiji with his free right hand, struggling to bring the side to where it attached to the front while holding the front flap to his belly. “You will leave us alone.”

“Oi, oi!” The old man innkeeper started to storm over. “None of that in here!”

The man who'd been harassing them looked between Sanzo's pistol and the old man. “Hey, it ain't fuckin' me! This stupid fuck is changing his half-breed brat in the middle of the fucking floor-”

There was another soft click as Sanzo cocked the hammer. “Call the boy a half-breed again. Do it!” He waved the pistol, and the innkeeper reached for Sanzo's shoulder.

“Mister Sanzo, please, remember, the little ones are right there.” Sanzo didn't say a word, didn't lower his gun, but he pinned Eiji's clean diaper on and pulled the blanket flush to his knees. The innkeeper pushed on the worker's shoulder. “Alright, sir, ain't nobody going to talk smack about little'uns in our establishment. Gonna have to ask you to leave.” The innkeeper started to escort the man out, and Sanzo stashed his pistol away.

“Strange.” He looked at his hand, the cold from the metal flushing out as his palm warmed, then down at Eiji. The gun had seemed too heavy in his hands; was he already unused to holding it after only a day without having to touch it? Or was it just that he preferred the weight of the baby at his knees? Eiji didn't seem to know, only closing his eyes peacefully when Sanzo picked him back up and settled him in the basket again. “Goku, how's Yohei?”

“Dry and quiet!” Goku passed him back. Sanzo put him down, and folded the blanket up to their chins.

“I'm going to wash my hands.” He glanced between Hakkai and Goku. “If anyone else starts shit over them, you have my permission to end them with extreme prejudice.” He briskly walked away, and the disbelief began to set in.

The man hadn't done anything more harmful than calling a few names, saying the word “fuck” to excess, and starting to imply a threat. Why had he reacted so fiercely? Back at the table, though, Goku giggled about the same to Hakkai.

“It's just like when people got all angry at me.” He pulled his knees in and rocked on his chair. “He was kinda mean to me the first few days, made me stay in the closet, but when the other monks found me and chased me, he came to protect me.” He grinned, but looked down at his feet. “I don't remember it, but I kinda freaked out, and he was the only one who could calm me down. He's kinda prickly on the outside, but deep down, he's secretly really nice. Even if he hits me with the fan or yells at me or takes potshots, he wouldn't let anyone else hurt me. S'probably the same with the babies.”

“You know,” Hakkai giggled, “I think you're right. Then again, if he hadn't started to deal with that fellow...” His eyes narrowed, and the grip of the limiters on his ear was somehow looser than he remembered. “I would have.”

The rest of the meal went as well as it could, though Sanzo still had to cradle one or the other of the twins as they sniveled and whimpered at the noise. He didn't mind. For the moment, cradling his children felt as natural or right as he imagined anything could.

* * *

 

Late in the evening, Sanzo had fallen asleep in the chair next to Gojyo's bed shortly after he gave the twins their 9-o'clock feeding and change, exhausted from catering to their schedule. They may have slept most of the day, but what time Sanzo didn't spend directly interacting with them was spent cleaning up after them or taking care of things he needed to take care of- like cleaning his gun or eating. The trouble was that the children didn't seem to know this, and woke him with their crying after only a few scant, shallow hours. Sanzo snapped awake and hurried them out before they could rouse Hakkai in the adjacent bed or Gojyo between them. His head was still swimming from being jerked out of sleep, and he could only think to pace with the two clutched to his chest.

“Please, shh, please,” he whispered over and over, his back sore, his arms and head aching. “What is wrong? Are you hungry? I'll get you food. Just stop crying for a minute.” He could still remember Hakkai's words: 'If they're crying, you're not keeping up.' “Diapers. Are you wet?” He set the twins down and checked both bottoms. Dry as bone, for the moment. “Time- how many hours since your last meal?” He looked back into the room through the open door and squinted at the clock. It wasn't quite ten yet. “You're not hungry or wet, what do you want from me?”

“Love.” Sanzo whipped around in place, to see Goku waiting there, rocking on his heels. Sanzo fixed him with an even, demanding stare, and Goku chuckled. “It's like I told you. They wanna be loved. Isn't that right, babies?” He crept a few steps closer and claimed Yohei from his arms. To Sanzo's surprise, Goku began to swing him in his arms gently, like a gentle breeze pushed his elbows, and he began to chant: “ _Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are..._ ” He started to pace back and forth, still singing. “ _Up above the world so high..._ ” Yohei seemed to calm at the sound of the melody, and Goku grinned and picked up a new tune, another slow, silly one that Sanzo didn't recognize. “ _Skid-da-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, skid-da-ma-rinky-doo, I, love, you!_ ”

“Whatever you're doing, it's working.” Sanzo frowned; the practice of singing lullabies was not entire foreign to him. He was sure he didn't know a single one. “I can't sing like that.”

“Better learn,” Goku teased between verses.

Sanzo looked down at Eiji, still crying and squirming, and he had to bite his lower lip. “What do I sing to him?”

“Anything you want, as long as it's pretty.”

“How the hell do I-” Eiji cried louder when Sanzo raised his voice. “No, shh!” Sanzo held him a little closer, and took a nervous breath that shook all the way into his lungs. It seemed to quiver even more as he released it in a pale imitation of Goku: “ _Twinkle... twinkle... little star..._ ” He cuddled Eiji close and swayed him at his chest, and started to pace slowly forward. Goku snickered.

“Don't copy me.”

“I don't know any songs,” he muttered as he finished the verse. “Shut up and help me.”

“I'm trying!” Goku rested Yohei on his shoulder. He was already soundly asleep again. “Look, just pick one of those boring songs you guys listen to on the radio when I'm not paying attention.”

Sanzo's breath seemed to shake in his chest, and he tried again. “ _Scree... screen falling off the door, door falling off the hinges-_ ”

“Toooo fast.” Goku stuck his tongue out, and it took all of Sanzo's willpower not to shift Eiji into one hand and break out the harisen.

“I don't know what-”

“You wanna go get Hakuryu and make him be the Jeep and put a tape in?”

“No.” Sanzo took a few more nervous breaths. Eiji's face was turning burnished purple. “Eiji... please...” He clutched the baby tight, and the next song came out just under his breath: “ _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..._ ”

“ _You make me happy when skies are gray..._ ” Goku's voice joined in at his shoulder.

“ _You'll never know, dear, how much I-_ ” Sanzo choked, but Goku finished:

“ _How much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away..._ ” Goku frowned up at Sanzo, and asked, “Are you scared to say you love him?”

Sanzo didn't answer him. He couldn't. Eiji still cried, though quieter now, and he found the voice to sing the chorus again. “ _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away..._ ” Eiji had calmed at this, and he shook his head, and whispered, “That's not a lullaby. That's not a love song. That stupid song- his sunshine betrays him and leaves him.”

“But that's not the part you're singing to him.” Goku smiled and nudged Sanzo's shoulder with his elbow. “He only knows the part where you love him and he makes you happy. I don't think the words matter. All that matters is how you make him feel.” He looked to Sanzo, as Sanzo smoothed Eiji's hair and rubbed his cheek to his forehead. “You love 'em, right?”

Sanzo didn't know how to answer. _If I love them, then it will hurt so much more when they're taken away from me. If I'm attached to them, then it will hurt me when I lose them. I'm not stupid. They're so small and weak, I'm bound to see them ripped out of my arms._

“Sanzo, they're your babies. They're part of your heart.” Goku frowned when Sanzo didn't answer. Sanzo looked down to him, his brow curving downwards. Goku studied his face. “I shouldn't have to ask, should I?” He smiled a little. “Look, you don't have to tell me how you feel about me. You don't have to tell Kai how you feel about him. I already know, and Kai can see things like that pretty easy. But the little guys need to hear it. Tell them you love them. I know you mean it. Not sayin' it out loud won't change that you do.”

“I don't know how,” Sanzo blurted, and slammed his eyes shut. Goku giggled.

“There's no how to it. Love just kind of happens.” He stuck his tongue out. “Duh.” He held Yohei out, and Sanzo shifted Eiji to one arm and accepted Yohei in the other. “You don't have to do anything but keep looking at them like that. It might be hard to do, but maybe when you put them back down to sleep?” He patted Sanzo's arm. “Just say it.” He got on tiptoe to kiss each boy's head in turn. “I love you, Yohei. I love you, Eiji.” He strolled away back to his room, leaving Sanzo with the dozing babies. Sanzo didn't know what to think or say, only to wonder how Goku could see right through him with such startling accuracy. He also realized:

“If I'm holding both of them, I can't hit him.” He chuckled to himself, and started to pace again. “Clever monkey.” He swayed the boys in the bends of his elbows, and started to sing again: “ _Now I don't hardly know you_...”

_I think that I love them._

 

Sanzo wasn't sure how long he paced, but he stopped singing once the twins were completely asleep again. He kept them in his arms straight through to their late night feeding and change, then returned them to bed. Hakkai had sat up when he came back in, but the two exchanged no words as Sanzo folded the blankets back and tucked them in again on either side of Gojyo. He leaned over them and kissed both of their foreheads, exactly the way Goku had done. Hakkai barely caught him saying it:

“I... love you. Sleep well.” He looked to Gojyo, and cringed. His mouth opened, but he said nothing. And yet, to Hakkai's surprise, he leaned forward and rested a gentle kiss on his cheek, his lips barely brushing the skin. He stood upright and looked directly at Hakkai, mouth falling open again for a moment, and he clenched his fists. Hakkai recognized the flash of terror that had flooded him, but he swallowed it into the silent fury directed at Hakkai. Hakkai was certain that, if asked, Sanzo would want to chew him out for intruding on their private moment. However, it seemed that he didn't want to broach the subject. “I'm going to sleep. Knock on my wall when they wake.”

When Sanzo turned his back, Hakkai felt something inside of him crack. He had been feeling it building in his mind all day and the day before, and he was more than ready to address it.

“Oh, Sanzo!” He sprung from the bed and followed him out into the hall. Sanzo turned on his heel to face him. “You know, I read that lovely little contract of yours a few dozen times.” Sanzo swallowed, as Hakkai folded his hands behind him and brought his polite smile to his face. “For such a big secret, you did a terrible job at hiding it.”

“He told you.”

“No. You did.” He cleared his throat and made air quotations. “'I will not sleep if I must share a room with Goku.' Your words, not mine. It never mattered to you until I started smelling sex on you morning after morning.” Sanzo hadn't thought of that- Hakkai did have a better sense of smell. Goku probably did too.

_Oh no._

“Here I thought you'd taken up a fierce masturbation habit, but when Gojyo started to get depressed, I noticed the same smell on him. I chalked it up to coincidence- though I know his luck isn't nearly that good.” Sanzo shuddered as Hakkai lifted a hand in a shrug. “I don't like to jump to conclusions, you see, so I gave it the benefit of the doubt. I suppose I first started to assume...” He tapped his lower lip. “Really, it was the day he found out he was expecting. That he insulted you in that manner and that you reacted so fiercely- there were many, many implications there. And of course, Gojyo did admit that the babies were a present from Heaven for their father- he didn't say a name, but I'm not so foolish as to ignore the possibility that they were giving you a gift.” His smile set into a smirk. “But that wasn't what clinched it.” He stared into Sanzo's eyes, gaze boring in. “No, I wasn't completely certain until after Gojyo's belly started to swell, and you started an argument with him over him not eating. I think your exact words were that you would get him a pickle, but you wouldn't know which hole to stick it in.” Sanzo shut his eyes slowly, as Hakkai took a step closer. “Tell me, how many of his holes did you stick it in?”

“That's...” Sanzo felt his cheeks turn hot. “I...” He hung his head. There was no way for him to lie about it. There was no point in denying it. Hakkai chuckled.

“I don't think I follow, really. How did you letting him use your body turn into you impregnating him?”

“He wanted to switch.” Sanzo let his head fall when he admitted it. He owed Hakkai this much. “He felt bad about it, and he wanted to make me happy. And I didn't know what else to do with him.”

“I see.” Hakkai sighed and cocked his head to the side.“You will remember I stated my desire to punish the bastard who caused Gojyo such suffering and anguish.”

“So you did.” Sanzo didn't lift his head.

“And you will note that, in fact, _you_ were the one who caused him the suffering and anguish,” Hakkai added, his voice still sweet and upbeat.

“Yes, I am.”

“Do you realize the terrible mistake you have made?” Hakkai asked, his grin shifting to sly as he reached for the limiter on his ear. Sanzo lifted his eyes to watch, said nothing, staring and waiting. Hakkai sighed and let his hand fall to his side. “Close your eyes.” Sanzo obeyed, and a second later, he felt the air move. Then, he felt the massive blow to his cheek, and found himself knocked him off his feet. Sanzo grabbed the blooming bruise and pushed himself back to his feet, and opened his eyes to see Hakkai opening his bedroom door.

“You're doing right by them now, and I'm thankful for that. Do yourself a favor- when you feel something that makes you anxious, don't get angry over it. You'll do a lot better for your little family if you stop reacting out of fear.” He leaned on the doorjamb and cracked his knuckles. “We are even, so long as you continue to care for your sons.” Sanzo nodded, and bowed his head.

“Even is even,” he muttered to himself, and Hakkai giggled softly and shut the door behind him. Sanzo no longer wanted to go to sleep. Instead, he sat on the wall and listened through the door, waiting for someone or something to make noise. His heart raced when he heard a familiar call:

“Sa...? San...”

“He's not here. He's resting,” Hakkai whispered back. “Shut your eyes.”

“S-Sa...” Gojyo's loose babble sounded disappointed, but he was quiet again. Sanzo lowered his head.

_He's right. I made you suffer. I lashed out like a child when you gave me what I needed. You were only trying to give yourself to me in the way I gave myself to you, and that was a greater kindness than I knew what to do with._ He let his forehead sink. _Every time you open your eyes, you call my name first. I don't understand you. I don't know how..._

* * *

 

The next day went as smoothly as it could have. Sanzo spent much of the day bustling about, feeding, changing, or otherwise entertaining the babies, only letting Hakkai or Goku intrude when his hands were overfull. The innkeepers were stunned to see him giving bottles every three hours, kneeling on the floor mid-meal to change soiled diapers, and walking up and down the hallway with one or both tiny infants swaying in his arms.

“I heard it told once that Genjo Sanzo was pulled from the river, an orphan.” The old man scratched his head, and glanced up the stairwell as he paced past with Yohei crying in his arms. He glanced back to his wife in the kitchen. “I never thought much of it, but just yesterday, I heard the rumor that he found those two in the river near here when he took their ill party member there and pulled them to safety himself.”

The old woman pursed her lips. “Why would they have been all the way out at the river?” She asked her husband in a whisper. He shrugged, and the two both looked up the stairwell again. Sanzo’s face was stony, but he patted and rubbed the small boy’s back in a tender way one would not expect from someone with eyes like his. He was already resigned; he would keep pacing until Yohei’s crying ceased, and then wait for Eiji to begin crying next. All that mattered was that Yohei calmed after a few more repeats of “You Are My Sunshine,” and he could return him to his safe, warm bed.

Eiji didn't cry this time, snuggled in close and warm against Gojyo. Sanzo placed Yohei down on his other side, and for the second time, mused on what it would be like to be the one they were sleeping with.

_Perhaps even all four of us._

He shook the thought off and pulled the chair up close to the bed again. Sooner or later, someone would wake, someone would need his attention. Even though his head was heavy and he wanted to rest, he couldn't yet let his eyes shut. He was needed, and that was a strange feeling. Someone was going to open his eyes and call out, and when they did, he was going to be there for him, whichever one it was.

It was only a moment after this thought crossed his mind that Gojyo's eyes opened, and before Sanzo could react, he sat up. Gojyo slowly turned his head around the room, taking everything in with a sleepy smile. His smile widened when his eyes came across Sanzo, and his lips formed the word slowly: “San... zo.”

“Mhm.” Sanzo clasped his hands between his knees. “I'm here.”

“Babies?”

“Right there.” Sanzo nodded down to the mattress, and he let his gaze fall. His smile stretched further with sheer, naked delight, and he slowly pulled Eiji up towards him. Sanzo wanted to stop him, but he realized that Gojyo's arms were steady, his hold firm. The color had returned to his skin, and his muscles were back in full form. The only thing that still seemed even a little off was that his mind was still very fuzzy, and Sanzo could hear it in his voice.

“Hello, Eiji.” Gojyo planted a few soft pecks on his cheeks. “Daddy is so, so happy to see you. Love you so much.” He planted a big kiss on his forehead, then traded him for Yohei. “And here is Daddy's big boy. Hello, kiddo.” He gave him a smattering of smooches. “Love you, love you, love you.” He gave him a hug, wearing a sleepy, childish smile. “I'm gonna let you sleep, darlin'. Nice nappy for baby boys.” He put Yohei down again, then leaned towards Sanzo. “You did good, Sanzo.” He reached out and cupped Sanzo's chin. “I'm goin' back to sleep. Love you. 'Night.” With that, he collapsed back down, leaving Sanzo in shock.

_He said he loves me. He... he said it. Just like that._ Sanzo sat back, jaw slack, and pushed his hair from his face. He felt the sweat cool on his brow, as though he'd just sprinted from Chang'an to the chair. _No, he can't mean it. He's delirious. He's repeating things. He just told both of them he loves them, he just repeated the words because they sound nice. He can't love me._ He laced his fingers and slouched, wrists hanging uselessly between his knees.

“Gojyo, forgive me.” He shook his head slowly, held his tongue to keep his voice from rising above the barest of whispers. “I know I bruised you, when all you did was show me the love you desperately needed, when you tried to fill the hole in me too. In all your grace, see that I never meant to harm you. We made a promise we couldn't or shouldn't have kept, but we did. I-” His voice broke, and he hung his head. “I can't promise to be what you need, but if you ask it of me, I can try.” His eyes caught on the two tiny children laid at Gojyo's sides, at Eiji's face and lips twitching as he slept, at Yohei's peaceful expression. “They're wonderful. I... I do love them.” He lifted a hand, but it fell onto Gojyo's, clasped his fingers and squeezed. “Please say that's enough.” His thumb tucked under Gojyo's palm and started to caress the webbing between his thumb and forefingers, and he caught a glimpse of Gojyo smiling in his sleep.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, watching the three of them sleep. His chest ached, begging for answers to questions he wasn't ready to ask- _How do I love them? Is it just a matter of being here, or is it something much more? Why would this be asked of me?_ He only knew that when the door next opened, the light from outside had vanished with the extinguished street lanterns.

“N-ne, Sanzo?” Sanzo glanced around at the shaft of light pouring in the open door. Goku was there, rubbing his eyes. “Kai's asleep in your bed. Do you care?” Sanzo shook his head. “M'kay.” He shuffled in and sat down on the floor at Sanzo's side. “You okay?”

“I am.” Sanzo rested a hand on Goku's head, and Goku keened happily under his breath and leaned his head against Sanzo's hip. If Sanzo was smiling, then he was unaware.

_I think I know what I'm doing._ His fingers tangled in Goku's hair. _Just like with you- take it day by day, and wait for everything to come together._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sanzo's lullaby songs in order: “Twinkle Twinkle,” originally composed by Mozart. “Skidamarink,” originally from the 1910 Broadway musical “The Echo.” “Anna Sun,” by Walk the Moon. “You Are My Sunshine,” originally by the Pine Ridge Boys, and finally a reprise of “Crimson and Clover,” by Tommy James and the Shondells. There. Now nobody can sue me.


	17. The Flat, Unassuming Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to put a bow on these presents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you listen to any of the suggested tracks, might I strongly recommend the second one in this chapter? It's probably my favorite, and it fits the story very well.

**11: The Flat, Unassuming Sea**

Goku had fallen asleep at Sanzo's side, and Sanzo had slowly tousled his hair to while the hours waiting for one of the three in the bed to rouse and seek attention. However, the night passed quietly, with Sanzo contemplating all that lay behind him and all that now waited before him. He found himself humming some melody to all three in the bed, wondering how he'd gotten here.

He could number the people who'd stayed close to him for more than touch and go, who he hadn't thrown away by proxy, who he'd allowed close, on one hand. Certainly, they were all three servants, or at least that's how he'd wanted to think of them. Yet something had changed over the months, between the day they'd left and this day, and while he couldn't comfortably call them 'friends,' he did feel a certain deeper closeness to them. Goku had become a little more daring in talking up to him. Hakkai seemed to trust him more, or at least was more willing to confide in him and converse with him about things under his surface. And Gojyo...

They were two immensely different people, that was for certain. They'd had, at best, a testy acquaintanceship. Sanzo couldn't say what it was about Gojyo that had rubbed him the wrong way- there was a lot to pick at. Perhaps it was his brash attitude, his coarseness, his loose ways. Yet, when those qualities began to prove a boon both to his cause and to him personally, Sanzo could admit that he was at the very least likeable. However, Sanzo had seen both sides of him now- the hard, slick exterior, the shell of the cockroach, and now, for months, his soft, sensitive underbelly. He'd exposed it, after all. Sanzo knew what that felt like. He commiserated this awful soft spot. And as he watched him sleep off the last of his painful ordeal, he wanted to try and keep it safe.

_I would never want anyone to try and force my weaknesses to the light like I have his. Now that I know where his lie, I have to be sure nobody else can touch them. For forcing his out, that is my penance. That is my responsibility._

The two infants slept on, their breaths soft and shallow, but steady. Sanzo noticed the blanket sliding off of Yohei's chest, and tucked it back in, close to his neck.

_I have to be sure nobody else can touch them, either. Just the way my own master did for me._ His fingers drifted weightlessly up through the soft patch of hair on Yohei's head, just tracing the outline of the scalp. Yohei's lips parted in his sleep, gummy, wet mouth briefly exposed.  _They are my responsibility, too. You may have been an accident, an unintended consequence, an impossibility made real, but you_ _are_ _real, and you're here, and you're mine. I've lost so much already, and you will not join those memories. I know I can't hold onto you, but you deserve better than my history. I intend to see you have that chance._

The door behind him creaked open, a shaft of light poured in from the hall, interrupted only by Hakkai's shadow. "Sanzo, it's time for their five-AM feeding."

"Hm." He glanced to the little clock on the bedside table. "So it is." He rose to his feet and let Goku's head fall onto the seat cushion, then leaned over the bed and took Eiji into his arms. "Start the water for the formula; I'll be down momentarily." He hitched Yohei up into his arms as well, and cast his gaze over Gojyo's sleeping form.  _I'll be back soon._

Sanzo shut the door behind him, not breaking his stride even as the twins both started to rouse at his chest and mewl and whine. However, they were not the only ones waking up.

**(Suggested Track: "Fireflies," Owl City)**

Gojyo's eyelids slid up and back, and he opened his eyes to the lucid world for the first time in three days. He could feel the soft, clean mattress beneath him, and smell fresh detergent on the sheets. He recognized the feel of one of his spare tank tops, with that stiff feeling of being folded and packed for too long and the distinct smell of musty soap that reminded him of dried flowers and some of the grannies they'd boarded with. He also recognized the slick, crisp linen of Hakkai's pajama pants as it slid smoothly between his thighs. He checked himself in the mirror; his hair was clean and combed, and he realized his body had returned almost to normal. He pressed his hands over his middle- last he could remember, there was an immense lump there.  _How did I lose all that baby weight?_  He paused, and the memories started to slink back in like barflies going home after last call. "Huh. Thanks, Goddess." He pointed skyward and grinned up at hir. "Awesome job on the miracle there-" That's about when his instincts kicked back in, and he whipped his head around the room. "Where the hell are my babies?"

The clock read a few minutes past five, and when he glanced to the window, he could see a sliver of sun. He vaguely remembered waking once or twice, but closing his eyes again and returning to deep, loamy sleep. He stepped over Goku, who was fast asleep on the floor next to the chair, tangled in a sheet, pillow under his hip, snoring louder than Hakuryu's engines revved. He saw no sign of Hakkai or Sanzo- the ashtray was empty, and the clothes on the floor hadn't yet been folded. "Well, they can't have gotten far," he grumbled to himself, and meandered into the hallway. He could feel his legs were still a little wobbly, but sturdy enough to support him. He still gripped the handrail on the stairs, and walked a little faster when he heard voices echoing from below. He emerged into the main tavern hall, and smiled to see Sanzo and Hakkai seated at one of the tables. Hakkai was pouring baby formula into a bottle from a tea kettle, while Sanzo was cradling Yohei and nursing him from a bottle. Eiji was squirming and whimpering where he lay on the table, but Sanzo could only look at him wearily.

"Patience, Eiji. You have to wait," Sanzo scolded gently, but the look in his eyes and the sound of his voice was warm. "I only have two arms, no matter how hard I try." Hakkai giggled, and Gojyo grinned too. He crossed the room and sank into a chair between Hakkai and Sanzo. Neither of them even looked up, as if he'd been there all along. Gojyo half-noticed a large bruise on Sanzo's cheek, but didn't have a chance to say anything before Hakkai laid Eiji in his arms.

"It's good to see you awake, Gojyo," Hakkai chirped, and tested the formula in the bottle with his pinky finger before popping a nipple on and sliding it over to him. "It will be much easier to get them both fed with you here. For some silly reason, Sanzo does not want me to help very much."

"These are my sons, and I did nothing for them for the past nine months," Sanzo muttered, casting a dark glare in Hakkai's direction. "I can handle my own mistakes."

"Yeah, yeah; you can help," Gojyo chuckled, to a disgusted scoff from Sanzo, and he edged the nipple towards Eiji's lips. He latched on and began to suckle greedily, wet, dark eyes seeming to focus on Gojyo for a moment before closing again in contentment. Sanzo 'hmphed' to himself, before turning himself towards Gojyo. He let his gaze rove Gojyo's form for a very long moment, before finally finding quiet words with which to address him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Best I've felt in a long time," Gojyo replied with a toothy grin, then turned his focus back to Eiji. One of his little hands had wandered up to touch the bottle, and Gojyo beamed with approval. "Look at him go! Smart kid! You must be doing a good job." He tested Eiji's weight in his palm. "Yeah, he's bigger already."

"Oh, yes, they have grown," Hakkai chuckled. "I've weighed them every day, and there is a notable difference!" He took a little notebook out of his sash and showed Gojyo the numbers he'd recorded. "Yohei was only two and a half kilograms; Eiji was two and three-quarters of a kilogram. Yohei is well above two kilograms, eighty grams now, and Eiji is two kilograms, eighty-five grams."

"They're greedier than Goku," Sanzo stated quietly, in what Gojyo couldn't help but think was a joke.

"If you thought he was hungry all the time, these two can trump him," Hakkai confirmed with another good-natured giggle. "We've been putting food into them every three hours. Not only because they need constant nourishment to keep up with their rapid little metabolisms, but to help their tiny bodies hold heat."

"Oh?" Gojyo frowned, and Hakkai nodded. "Is... is somethin' wrong with them?"

"No, no, they're perfectly healthy!" Hakkai reached out as if to pat Gojyo's hand, recognizing the implication of  _Did I do something wrong?_ , but Sanzo reached out and touched his shoulder, and Hakkai withdrew.

"They're fine." He laid Yohei on his shoulder and patted his back slowly. "They are, however, small."

"I wish I could have kept 'em in a little longer, if it'd help." Gojyo shook his head, dismayed, but jerked from dejection to surprise and nearly jumped out of his skin when Eiji coughed against the nipple. Sanzo's eyebrows rose, and he leaned over Gojyo with Yohei still pressed to his shoulder. Gojyo resisted the urge to shove Eiji to Sanzo, instead demanding, "What the hell was that?" Gojyo put the bottle down as Sanzo surveyed Eiji, then put two fingers on his terrycloth-covered chest.

"Ah. He was drinking too fast. You have to be sure he's not inhaling it." Gojyo winced, and Sanzo pushed the bottle back towards him. "Find out if he's still hungry." Gojyo uneasily picked up the bottle and eased it back into Eiji's lips. He accepted it, slower this time, and lazily sucked. Gojyo watched over his head, as Sanzo patted Yohei's back, then lay him down on the table and cleaned his mouth and nose.

"You're an old pro now. Hakkai, you taught him very well," Gojyo finally chuckled, and leaned back in the chair. He tipped the front legs up, and slowly rocked back on the two back legs. It was the best thing he could think of, lacking a rocking chair. Sanzo eyed him warily, and he lowered his leg for a third point of balance. There was a long silence, filled only by the quiet slurping of Eiji's mouth on the bottle, as Sanzo opened Yohei's pajamas to check his diaper. Gojyo swallowed; was that really all there was to this? There had to be more. He had to fill the void between them with  _something_. "Sanzo… uh, thanks." Sanzo looked at Gojyo over his shoulder, and then bowed his head. Eiji coughed again, dryly this time, and Gojyo noticed that he'd finished, and the bottle was nearly empty anyway. He put the bottle down and freed one hand to tickle his tummy. "Heh, you got a lot of that down." He set the legs of the chair down and pulled Eiji up to his breast in a hug. "Good job, kid." Gojyo grinned to himself; he didn't know how he couldn't have ever felt so happy in his life over something so small.

"May I?" Hakkai held out his hands, and Gojyo warily examined them. He smiled gently in response. "He is my little nephew, isn't he?"

"I dunno. Usually, new uncles don't try to kill Daddy before the baby is born." Gojyo's tone sounded playful and teasing, but the gleam in his eyes was decidedly neither, and Hakkai took a nervous step back.

"I wouldn't have let any harm come to any of you. It was unkind of me, but my curiosity got the better of me." He shivered under Gojyo's steady gaze. "I... I apologize-"

"Right, then." Gojyo tucked Eiji into Hakkai's arms. "We're good." He beamed as he went to look over Sanzo's shoulder as he pinned the fresh diaper on, securing it with little pins. Hakkai steadied himself to the weight of the child as quickly as he could, and held Eiji to his shoulder and slowly rubbed his back. He, too, watched as Sanzo finished changing Yohei. Despite his practiced hand and the procedural approach, Gojyo still caught a glimpse of a pinched lip, and smirked.

"Well, lookie here, the priest really is an old pro." He nudged Sanzo's shoulder. "No wonder, either. How long did it take you to potty-train Goku? Or do you still have to change him?"

Sanzo scoffed, and Gojyo took it as a small victory that he wasn't calling him an idiot or going for the harisen.

"I'm glad you owned up to these two," Hakkai remarked from behind them, as Gojyo buttoned Yohei's pajamas back onto him, with Sanzo's nodded approval. "So, now that you and Gojyo share children, do you intend to remain with them?"

"I will do what I must." Sanzo's eyes were stern when he looked up from Yohei, giving Gojyo a chance to scoop him up and study his soft face. "I will meet and exceed my duties, even if it means moving you and Gojyo into Kei'un with me. Perhaps the two of you will be more trouble than can be handled at a distance." He shot Hakkai a narrow-eyed look, and Hakkai giggled softly.

"Very good. So, how shall we handle them for now?" Both Gojyo and Sanzo stilled at this. He knew what he had intended, and he was all but certain Sanzo had figured him out (gratis of a certain monkey spy), but addressing it aloud was a new quandary altogether. All three of them knew the facts, though, and Sanzo finally started with the obvious:

"We can't take them with us. It's far too dangerous." Sanzo gently rubbed Yohei's head, and Gojyo looked at his feet.

"I ain't leaving them at a monastery or a temple for safekeeping. These are my kids, you know? I wanna be with them, see them grow up. I can't stand the thought of not being able to see them grow up." He shook his head. "I can't abandon 'em." Hakkai nodded, and Sanzo seemed to understand, and Gojyo took a breath to gather his thoughts.

"We're pretty short on options. I…" He swallowed, and spit it out: "I did some looking at a map. There's a little town north of here, out of our path, so nobody'll be looking for us there. I could make it in a few days on foot. The three of us can hide there, and I guess when you're coming back, you can..." He shrugged, faltering under the harsh looks he was receiving from both Hakkai and Sanzo. "You can... pick us up." Hakkai laughed aloud once, sharply, and Sanzo fixed Gojyo with a pointed stare.

"That's not an option," Sanzo growled; he didn't raise his voice, but he didn't have to. "I am not letting you abandon this mission now, nor will I abandon you with two children."

"They can't come with us, we all know that," Goyjo muttered defensively. "I mean, Hakuryu doesn't have enough seats, plus there's always assholes out for our blood and his-" He pressed his elbow onto Sanzo's shoulder, to a surprising lack of complaint- "sutra. Hell, we're lucky nobody's come after us while we've been stopped here!" He folded his arms tight, but his eyes tracked Hakkai as he lay Eiji down in front of Sanzo so he could change him as well. He picked Yohei up, watching his face as his unfocused eyes drifted aimlessly across Gojyo's shadow over him. "We can each defend ourselves, and each other when we have to, but they can't defend themselves at all, and if I'm defending them, I'm gonna get myself hurt or worse. Plus, I ain't gonna be of any use to you all, too busy saving them." His eyes narrowed. "And let's face it, I'm gonna have to save them. Babies are make an excellent dinner for a berserk youkai."

"Gojyo, that's awful!" Hakkai protested, but Gojyo continued.

"Doesn't mean I'm wrong. Look at their skin. It's soft and fatty." Gojyo gently pinched Yohei's chubby cheek to demonstrate. "Almost no muscle at all. He's like a little veal cutlet-"

"Stop," Sanzo grunted, glaring up as he roughly pinned Eiji back into his diaper. Gojyo reached out to get between Sanzo's hands and Eiji's body, but Sanzo redressed him with renewed care. "I have already taken that into consideration. The last thing I want is for these two to become someone's dinner, or to be held hostage by a more intelligent foe." Sanzo took Eiji up into his arms and smoothed his hair down. "But I don't wish to be separated from them. I owe them many, many years of penance."

"So, what option do we have left?" Gojyo sighed, and settled into a chair with Yohei in his lap. "We can't take them with us, we won't leave them behind. What the hell do we do?"

"And that's where I come in." All three of them recognized the intense, honey-dark voice that said this, and there was a bright light to indicate hir appearance. The shadow of a phoenix was cast across the floor, and Kanzeon Bosatsu approached, her usual sultry smile and the scent of jasmine encompassing them. "So, did you boys have fun?" Se stopped a few steps away from their table, arms folded, hips cocked, her sweet smile pinpointed on Sanzo and Gojyo. They, in turn, scowled and glared back at her, but Hakkai seemed calm.

"How nice of you to join us." He rose and bowed; always the spitting image of decorum, even when dealing with the awful old hag who'd done this to them. "You will forgive my friends, their hands are full with your task." Kanzeon Bosatsu laughed softly, clapping hir hands together and lacing them under hir chin.

"Yes, I can tell! No, it's okay if you're a little pissed at me. I took advantage of the situation at hand, even if I was only keeping an old promise." Se pressed hir hands to hir knees, hitching at the waist to look at them closer. "But you did such a beautiful job at rebuilding their bodies." The sarcasm slipped from hir completely for a moment, and hir hand drifted close to Eiji's head to catch a tangle in his hair. "My dear fallen warriors..." She trailed off, and Sanzo and Gojyo traded raised eyebrows and mutual shrugs. Se withdrew hir hand and looked up at the two fathers. "Well, you guys did good enough. I guess you deserve one last little treat for getting through this alright."

"Yeah, uh, what the hell is up with that?" Gojyo cocked an eyebrow at her, despite Hakkai's quiet pleas not to offend a goddess. "First, you call me a delivery boy, then you help me and put me back together, and now this?" He rolled his eyes, exaggerating each degree of the motion. "Look, I don't know what sort of help you're gonna offer next, but-"

"I'm going to take them for safekeeping," Kanzeon Bosatsu replied brightly.

"You're going to take my boys back?" Gojyo clutched Yohei tight. "No fucking way!"

"I won't be separated from them," Sanzo muttered, a protective arm coming around Eiji. Kanzeon Bosatsu's gaze bounced between the two for a moment, before se sighed softly and pushed her hand into her hair.

"Look, it's your only good option. I'll halt their development; they won't age a day until they come back to you." Sanzo and Gojyo glanced at one another, and Kanzeon Bosatsu continued to smile, setting one hand on hir hip. "For them, it'll be like you were never gone. You will continue your journey, and they'll never miss their family." The two men thought for a moment, Hakkai pursing his lips and looking away, before Gojyo voiced what all three of them wondered.

"If you were just going to take 'em, why couldn't this have waited until we got home? I could have been a fucking whale around the house instead of on the road." He clung Yohei close. "Look, I'm happy with the results, but this was a huge pain in the ass. Why couldn't you have made it just a little easier?"

Kannon chuckled at this. "I acted when I did because I needed you two's souls to be in  _union_." Se lewdly rocked hir hips forward, making clear what sort of union se meant. "If I'd just held on hope that you two would have screwed all the way back home, I might have missed out. Sorry, kid, I'm that kinda person who jumps on an opportunity when it raises its head."

"Should'a figured that," Sanzo grumbled, crossing his fingers over Eiji's head to a snort from Gojyo. The Goddess folded her arms.

"Well, here's your opportunity to get everything you want, just a little later than you wanted it. Are you going to take it, or should I direct you to an orphanage?" Sanzo and Gojyo met eyes, and with a nod, came to silent agreement.

"Guess we don't have any better ideas," Gojyo conceded. Yohei cooed softly up at Gojyo, and Gojyo caressed his chin, before glancing to Sanzo. He nodded as well.

"It's the best option." Their mutual gaze held and lingered a moment longer, and the two looked back down to the children in their arms. Sanzo pulled Eiji up tight to his chest, and Gojyo stroked Yohei's hair and held him close, cradling his bottom in his palm.

"Yohei." He couldn't stop a smile as he said his son's name. "I really like what that name means, you know? You're kinda like your Dad there, you know; I'll bet you've got a lot under the cute surface. Soon, you'll be able to grow up and show us." He kissed the infant's forehead, and removed his headband. "Til then, I want you to hold onto this. You're gonna be the man someday." He carefully laid the blue headband around Yohei's forehead, and glanced to Sanzo. Sanzo had his fingers over Eiji's heart, silently considering it, but he nodded when Gojyo held Yohei out to him. They carefully traded bottoms and heads between palms, and Gojyo rubbed his chin on Eiji's head. "I can't spare much else for you, kid, but I've given you enough, right? You're my kid, definitely, except maybe that snub little nose." He grinned and pressed his index finger to Eiji's nose. "You be good for Auntie, okay? Daddy loves you." He shut his eyes and let his hair fall over his face to hide a deep wince. "Daddy loves both of you. A lot." He held Eiji a heartbeat longer, then got to his feet. "Lady, you better love him just as much." He very carefully transferred the baby to Kanzeon Bosatsu, and se accepted him into hir arm and against hir breast. Sanzo had been slowly stroking Yohei's hair, but looked up mid-stroke when he realized se was staring expectantly at him. He reluctantly held the child out, turning his eyes away. Kanzeon Bosatsu cradled him in hir free arm, her smile fractionally losing its snark and sarcasm.

"Thank you." Se moved to pivot, but Hakkai lifted his head from the floor and extended a hand.

"Please, tell me; the day when they're returned to us can't be too far off, can it?" Se stopped hir motion to smile back at Hakkai, a clear look in hir eyes.

"I can't determine that. That one's up to you." Se grinned, obfuscating any other meaning they could have taken from hir, and Hakkai bowed his head.

"Ah, Merciful really is a misnomer for you sometimes!" Hakkai sighed, but in the same motion, his smiling mask fell back into place. "But, I suppose that's the way it must be."

"And so it is," Kanzeon Bosatsu agreed, hir head bowing slightly. "You're the only ones who can determine if or when you get back." Sanzo clicked his tongue against his teeth, and Gojyo stared uselessly at Kanzeon Bosatsu, the twins nestled in her arms, then looked away.

"Just go," Gojyo muttered. "Before I change my mind." Kanzeon Bosatsu smiled, hir expression as warm as sunlight. Se pinched Yohei's wrist between thumb and forefinger and waved his hand at Gojyo. Then, without another word, se turned and vanished into the light of the coming dawn trailing across the floor. Sanzo, Gojyo, and Hakkai all sighed as her image vanished.

**(End track.)**

"I shall miss them," Hakkai's eyes and smile sunk down and away. "But it's reassuring to know they will be safe." The slightest hint of a smile took its place, though Gojyo could tell now more than ever that he was forcing good humor. "After all, who could even think of bringing a child into the world in the middle of a Minus Wave?"

"I did. I had to. Didn't get much choice, really." Gojyo got to his feet, and he and Hakkai took what remained of the baby supplies and deposited them in a trash can. Sanzo hadn't moved, still staring at his emptied hands. Gojyo dusted his palms off, and a trace of his usual smile emerged. "I guess I'm okay with it. Anyway, se can't do too much wrong to them, at least nothing they'll remember." Gojyo brushed his thighs off, and plucked a short strand of blonde hair from his shirt. He tossed it away, trying not to watch it catch golden light until it joined the rest of the dust around them.

"We've wasted enough time here," Sanzo muttered abruptly, flinging his fingers towards Hakkai. "Go wake Goku up."

"Of course." Hakkai retreated to the stairs. Sanzo and Gojyo looked at each other, looked at the ground or the wall, then at one another again, then away. Gojyo let himself recline in the chair beside Sanzo, kicking his feet out and releasing a long, slow sigh. He didn't speak, he let the silence hang heavy between them for what felt like a very, very long time.

**(Suggested Track: "Keep Yourself Warm," Frightened Rabbit)**

Gojyo didn't like silence, especially between two people who were supposed to be... what exactly were they, anyway? They weren't friends, and they certainly weren't acquaintances. Sanzo called them "servants" or "bodyguards," but Gojyo was sure it was something more than just that. Lovers? Gojyo had to withhold a laugh at that. Like that word would mean anything to the Ice Princess over there. Still, there had to be something between them, and Gojyo had to break the uncomfortable silence that had dominated their relationship from the start.

"What happened to your face?" Gojyo tapped under his own eye. Sanzo scowled pensively, his hand rising to trace the edge of the bruise.

"Hakkai happened," Sanzo replied after a moment. "He said he wanted to punish whoever harmed you. He did."

Gojyo laughed softly at this account, and silence descended on them again. Gojyo fidgeted with the drawstring of his pants, then pushed his fingers into the pockets. Sanzo reached into his robe and pulled out his box of Marlboros. Gojyo eyed them warily, and Sanzo lifted one eyebrow. "I know it's not your brand. I haven't had a chance to get you a box. You want it or not?"

"Nah, gimme." He took one, and Sanzo tossed him his lighter. It wasn't a very good cigarette, but it was a cigarette, and that was something. Sanzo lit his cigarette on the end of Gojyo's, and the two sat back to enjoy them together. It was Gojyo's first fully smoked cigarette in months, and he had no intention of wasting it. He exhaled a thin stream of pallid smoke, and the familiar sensation of nicotine settled back into his joints and bones. "Forgot how good it felt."

"Mm." Sanzo nodded, and there was silence again. Gojyo felt it this time, heavy between them. He took another drag and wheezed it out, coughing this time; he was feeling the downsides now. Sanzo rose his eyebrow again, and faced him. "Remind me to tell you to kick Dokugakuji's ass next time we see him and the others."

"You got it." Gojyo grinned, realizing he was going to get back in the action. It had been too long, and he was anticipating a good fight! "Any special reason?"

"Kougaiji and his party were following us. I blame him." Sanzo sneered, lip curling before he wrapped it around his cigarette again. "They didn't try anything, but it scared the hell out of Hakkai. Otherwise, we would have stayed in the mountains instead of moving you when you were in..." He searched for the words with his tongue against the filter. "Precarious condition."

"Assholes." Gojyo's nostrils flared. "Well, I'll deal with him next time I see him. He was kind of an asshole to me, even if he thought he meant well. Brothers, right?" He cocked his head back. "I wonder..." He let the thought fade, sure his heart would start to ache if he let his mind linger on the twins any more than he had to. Sanzo nodded, and looked him up and down again.

"No permanent damage, right?"

"Me?" Gojyo smirked. "I feel alright." He patted himself down, chest to thighs. "Yeah, nothing broken, nothing hurt, body seems to be working alright." His hands landed on his backside, and his lower eyelids twitched. "Urk- guess she couldn't fix that." He rubbed his hipbones, trying to remember where they sat before and compare that to their new width. "Gonna need some new pants, but the ones I have should be okay for now." He kicked his feet out and folded his arms behind his head. "Well, still. No permanent damage."

Sanzo scoffed, but it was close to a laugh. "If you say so." He smoothed his robes and sutra into place, his eyes leaving Gojyo. The silence ached when it fell in this time, and Gojyo was starting to get annoyed. That was when he realized how quiet Sanzo had been since he'd awoken. Even when he'd thanked him, Sanzo had shrugged it off. He caught a glimpse of Sanzo's eyes drifting over him again, and it clicked. Gojyo smirked; he understood now. Sanzo wasn't the type to thank people, to express himself, and he probably didn't expect it in return. No thanks, nor any words, were in order. For Gojyo, however, words were all he had.

"I really do wanna thank you, Sanzo. Caring for 'em the way you did, that was kind of above and beyond for you." Sanzo's eyes narrowed at the last words, but Gojyo quickly added, "I guess I'd expected Hakkai to do most of it, and for you to just try and keep up. It was actually pretty damn impressive, I mean, you don't do much nurturing-" And the memories roused. He was wrong.

Sanzo had to have been paying attention and listening when Dokugakuji had first approached them, otherwise he wouldn't have intervened and protected him the first time.

Sanzo hadn't pushed him away when he'd tried to get back into his bed; he'd been at least willing to listen to what he had to say, even if Gojyo's outreach had gone awry.

Sanzo had allowed the party to search for him, at the expense of the journey. He'd also stopped moving at the expense of the journey.

Sanzo had tried to be kind to him. From reading through the stuffy, uncomfortable, boring pregnancy books to giving him pillows in the most roundabout way he could, to keeping him company on a sleepless night and rubbing his back when he was ill, right up until it became obvious in the back seat of the Jeep three nights ago. Gojyo had seen Sanzo's face when it wasn't pinched with annoyance and anger, and those eyes revealed a frightened, sensitive little soul just as terrified of hurting others as of being hurt. That was all well and good, but Gojyo knew his own soul. He knew he would rather be hurt than be alone, and if Sanzo would keep him company, that would be enough to keep him happy.

He just didn't know how to ask for it.

After a few more long, aching minutes of silence, Goku toddled down the stairs, a towel slung over his shoulder, hair sticking up in six directions, none of them correct. He squinted at them, at the empty table, calculating the lack of blankets and bottles.

"Hey," Goku blurted sleepily, pointing at the empty table. "Where's little cousins?"

"They're with a sitter until we get back from India," Gojyo replied offhandedly.

"Oh. Cool. I'm goin' back to bed." Goku mumbled stupidly and turned around, but Sanzo withdrew and pitched the harisen at his head.

"Go and bathe this instant," Sanzo ordered firmly, and a grumbling Goku gave him his harisen back and stumbled on his way forward. Goku fixed his gaze on Gojyo as he passed.

"Um... glad you're back with us, Gojyo." He smiled in his usual childish way. "Be careful, alright?" He walked straighter now, and Sanzo and Gojyo both scoffed quietly to themselves as he vanished.

"Wonder what he meant." Gojyo took another drag, and considered it. Sanzo shrugged, having no answer to give, and they were quiet again. Nothing but their breathing, and the occasional brushing of a long exhale of smoke. Gojyo finally spoke: "You have quite a family, Sanzo." Sanzo snorted to himself, and got to his feet again.

"You called for me. Your voice has wracked my brain for months now," Sanzo declared, that arrogant gleam in his eyes. "Stop."

"Yeah, I won't trouble you anymore," Gojyo muttered, grabbing his forehead and gripping his temples. He should have known. He should have expected this. He should have known that the ache would never leave, that he could never have him back, that he'd never resolve that need in him that screamed for Sanzo's hand on his shoulder-

"No." Sanzo interrupted the storm that raged under Gojyo's surface. "Trouble me all you like. Trouble me as you please. You simply need not call me anymore." Sanzo unfolded his arms, and stepped closer to him. "I am here." Sanzo stared at Gojyo expectantly, arms at his sides, staring through him. Gojyo felt small, childish, next to him, and weakly asked:

"No more contract?"

"No contract. Just whatever you and I happen to fall into. Whether that's your bed or the pits of hell itself. Stand at my side." Gojyo felt his jaw drop, and couldn't stop himself from rising and embracing Sanzo.

"Thank you. Thank you." Gojyo shook his head, unsure of what else to say. Sanzo fell just limp against him, his hands shyly resting on Gojyo's waist, clearly not sure how to take the closeness, but Gojyo didn't care. He smelled so good that nothing else mattered. He smelled like the earth, like incense, like old paper, like warmth, and Gojyo loved it. He beamed like a child, rubbing his chin on Sanzo's shoulder. "I'll treat you good, I promise, I'll get you birthday presents and buy you smokes and-"

"You don't need to do any of that," Sanzo mumbled in response. "And don't make stupid promises. Let's just take what we can get from each other, and lay off when people are watching." Gojyo released Sanzo, and Sanzo walked past him. "Come on. Let's move forward. We have a journey to complete, and at this point, it seems I've got somewhere to return to."

"Right!" Gojyo grinned, clenching his fists. The fire in him was reignited. It had been a long, strange journey, but he had gained something in the end. If nothing else, he knew now that Sanzo was at his side, for better or for worse, and whatever feelings there were between them, he didn't have to deny them.

It was a start, and it was all he needed for now.


	18. The Pits of Hell/Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes continue onward...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the grand finale! I wanted to thank RodiSquall again for proofreading the chapters for me, I don't think this story would have ever gotten finished without her encouragement. Enjoy, everyone!

**12: The Pits of Hell/Maybe**

This, Gojyo concluded, was a nice inn. Between the shack he'd lived in back when he went home at the end of the day, more than a year ago now, and here, he'd slept in enough shitty ones to know the difference now. This one had insulation under the drywall. This room had two windows, and the innkeepers were able to fit two cots in next to the two twin beds. And, best of all, their second-floor room had a little balcony through a set of what Hakkai had called French doors, so he could creep out in the wee hours for a cigarette without waking the others with either his footsteps or the acrid smoke.

In a new December's chill, there was really nothing like a cigarette in near-winter's air. The harsh smoke mingled with the hints of ice and snow that frosted on the Jeep's windshield and formed in the grass. He was going to enjoy it. He'd only had his cigarette privileges back for six weeks now, and what a six weeks it had been. He let himself smile, in that bitter, somber way of reminiscence, and leaned on the balcony's railing.

It had only been a week since he'd left and come back again. He'd gotten his wish. He'd run away. Over a set of twins, no less. His friends had chased him. They came back for him. And they'd taken more than a couple knocks for all their troubles. He could jump again and go, save them the trouble of kicking sense into him in the morning, but he knew they would just follow him again. What would be the point?

He heard the  _snick_  of a flint wheel behind him, and didn't have to turn to know he'd been joined. A few more, increasingly frantic,  _snick, snick, snicks_ , and then there was a thin, cold hand on his wrist yanking the cigarette from his lips and to the end of another. Sanzo glared at him, his skin blue in the moonlight and illuminated low, flickering orange in the glow of his Marlboro.

"Ain't you cold?" Gojyo surveyed his bare arms, his robe still hanging loose from the waist down. Sanzo scoffed.

"Never stopped you." He deliberately jostled Gojyo's naked elbow off the railing, and pressed his back against the slender, twisted iron. "Thinking of running again?"

"Hell no." Gojyo pushed off the railing, turning himself half away. "Waste of time. Waste of energy." He gave his chin a rub. "And sure, the stubbly look is kinda sexy, but the unwashed thing isn't. Running water is so goddamn nice, and I ain't got the money to pay for inns on my own 'less I gamble, and if I lose, then I'm screwed." He smirked. "Plus, I'd end up draggin' you all along like the strings on a kite, and I get the feeling you'll actually kill me next time you track me down."

"Hrm. Smarter than you look." Sanzo took a drag, and fixed a knife-sharp gaze on the side of Gojyo's face. "Are you going to freak the fuck out every time twins get involved?"

Now that just was unfair. Gojyo chuckled, low and dark, into the collar of his vest. "Yeah, and what makes you think that?"

"Twins make good assassins," Sanzo pointed out. "One to keep watch, one to move in and do the dirty work. Or they have corresponding power sets, or complementary talents. Odds are, we'll meet at least a few more sets. Maybe not as small as those last two, but it will happen."

Gojyo slowly dragged on his Hi-Lite, searching for an answer. "I think it was 'cause they were so small, Sanzo. They were what, five? Four?" He bit the next drag off, smoke escaping between his teeth. "Couldn't've been more than six. He still had baby fat, or he would if they hadn't been starved." The cigarette snapped between his fingers, and Gojyo could only see red. "Fucking god, so maybe I saw Yohei when I looked at his face, when he said he had a twin brother, so the fuck what? I would'a done it for any kid. He was still a fucking baby, and that motherfucker killed-"

Gojyo felt a harsh shove, and broke his glare at the ground to see the butt of Sanzo's gun against his breast. "If you're going to lose your mind whenever a child dies unjustly, put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger now." Sanzo held his Marlboro between his teeth, eyes lit and glimmering. "It'll be easier than getting you in a straitjacket. It's only going to get worse from here."

"So should I just not give a shit about kids?" Gojyo shoved the pistol back to Sanzo. "Is that it?"

"I'm sick of not giving a shit." Sanzo ashed over the railing, and slipped his pistol back into his waistband. "Holding onto nothing can be just as restrictive as clinging onto worldly things. Give a shit about what you want. It's as it was before."

_Whether it's your bed or the pits of hell itself._

"That's why you let them come back to find me." Gojyo smiled knowingly, and reached into his vest pocket for a fresh cigarette. "You missed me too."

"Shut up. You're a pain in the ass and you know it." Sanzo folded his arms, and Gojyo caught a glimpse of a friction burn on the heel of his palm, just above where the glove ended and trailing under the vinyl. In the few days since returning from Kami-sama's castle, Hakkai had healed most of their wounds- they'd been covered in blood and cuts and bruises and punctures, and there were a few fractures and splints to go around. But that burn? Gojyo recognized that one, and it was not one he'd received there. He'd gotten that before, dangling over the edge of a cliff with the chain of Gojyo's shakujou the only thing between him and another ride on the wheel of samsara.  _He didn't want Hakkai to heal it._  Sanzo followed Gojyo's gaze and sniffed. "You're a dependable pain in the ass. Without you, our party is significantly lacking."

Gojyo laughed, low, rolling, and loud, but subdued himself quickly- the door was still open, and Hakkai had never been a heavy sleeper. "You're a real sweetheart, Sanzo. You know just what to say to make a guy feel all squishy. But yeah, you're right." He nodded towards the others. "Those two would be all sorts of screwed without us."

"Us?"

"If something had happened to you." Gojyo burned his cigarette to the filter on his next inhale. "I would..." He paused, and smirked. "Well, you're the only one who knows how to handle that fan, so Goku'd get out of line real quick. And Hakkai would get all forlorn and shit, 'cause he likes talking to you and all, and that front seat of the Jeep'd get cold."

"You think you'd keep going West if I died?" Sanzo rolled his eyes. "Please. You'd go back to being a layabout in the blink of an eye. Probably sleep 'til noon and gamble yourself into the gutter."

"Because I ain't got no stinkin' stake in this? You probably like the sounds of that kind of life yourself." Gojyo smirked, wider. "Gutter's awful comfy, especially with a belly full of rotgut. Plus, you said it yourself- I'm a hobo kinda guy, I love picking dropped stuff up off the ground and making it mine." He cocked a suggestive eyebrow, and Sanzo scoffed with disgust.

"What the hell are you implying?"

"That I'm glad I didn't get too far away when I ran." Gojyo tossed his butt off the edge of the balcony. "What's got you awake, anyway?"

"Heard some creep skulking around the window. Checked it out. Found myself correct, but no corrective action was necessary." Gojyo curled his upper lip at Sanzo, who shrugged a shoulder and finished his cigarette. "You?"

"Restless. Always. Was thinkin' about stuff, and things, and it was keepin' me up." He rolled his shoulders back and glanced down at the frosting ground over his shoulder. "Thought I'd go, y'know, take care of some stuff in the bathroom-"

"Gross."

"-but I just couldn't. I couldn't get a rhythm. Not when I'm still thinkin' about-" He stopped. "Eh, you don't care."

"Thinking about them." Sanzo moved to lean against the balcony edge, elbow to elbow with Gojyo. He was quiet; Gojyo wasn't sure which them he was indicating, but there were many, many options. Eiji and Yohei. Kinkaku and Ginkaku. Hakkai and Goku. Dokugakuji and Kougaiji. Maybe others, maybe more, maybe all of them. Gojyo knew that was his answer. "I think about them sometimes, too," Sanzo admitted under his breath, with the slightest, reluctant hint of shame, and Gojyo knew which ones he meant. "I suppose it's more active in your mind."

"I barely got to hold them," Gojyo muttered. "I barely got to see them. I got pulled through my fucking grave to make them, and I barely even got to see what I did."

"You'll have all the time in the world to see them soon enough, as long as we keep pushing forward." He pushed himself off the railing. "No more delays. Do what you have to do and get some rest; if these last few days have been any indication, we're going to need our strength."

"Right." Gojyo smirked, but Sanzo pressed a finger to the indent between his chin and lower lip as he turned back towards him.

"Unless..." He glanced Gojyo up and down, then focused on the side of his waist, still bandaged under his clothes. "It's your injuries keeping you up."

"Huh? No, I'm fine."

"I'll wake Hakkai and have him check them."

"Asshole, don't! I said-"

"Then let me check them." He pointed to the door, and Gojyo scowled.

"Fine, whatever you say."

Sanzo scooped up a few things from his little bag as he passed it, then waved Gojyo on to follow him. Gojyo felt nearly like a dog on a leash as he followed close at Sanzo's heels to the bathroom in the hall, but the warm light of the bathroom sounded an immense improvement over taking his clothes off in the chilly night air. That was another reason this inn fell into the "nice" category- the bathroom was clean, brightly lit, and humid but not moldy. Sanzo locked the door behind them, dropped the rumpled bundle of whatever he'd grabbed next to the sink, and waited expectantly as Gojyo stepped into the open showers, pulled off his vest and peeled his shirt off over his head. He knelt at Gojyo's side and gently patted the bandage with the flat of his palm. "Dry." He pulled at the corner of the tape holding the gauze on. "It's not too bad. You'll have a neat scar when you're through." Sanzo withdrew his hand, but it slipped down to unbuckle Gojyo's belt. Gojyo hardly noticed.

"You know first aid, too?"

"When there's nobody else to take care of you, you learn to take care of yourself." Sanzo slipped off his gloves, dropped them to the tile, and slicked his hair back. "You're one of those who prefers to have others do it, aren't you?"

It was right then that Gojyo figured out what was going on.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" A beat of silence; Sanzo froze. Gojyo laughed again, and pulled his belt the rest of the way off. "You are the worst at playing doctor. I bet you'd make a better sexy nurse."

"Fuck you." Sanzo moved for his gloves, but Gojyo stayed his hand.

"That's the point, right?" He smirked. "You don't have to try and lure me in. If you want a little attention, you ask. I'm easier than steaming rice, Sanzo." Gojyo cocked an eyebrow. "Unless, you're actually looking to be nice to me." Sanzo's fingers flexed out, then curled in, and Gojyo grinned. "I bet'cha you can do it. I'll even go step by step and show you how,  _Cherry-chan_."

"Are your injuries healed enough?" Sanzo's query was merely a whisper, not even loud enough to echo off the linoleum.

"What?"

"You were told not to engage in sexual activities for at least six weeks, to avoid straining your body after... after. Are you healed enough for this?"

Gojyo had to laugh again. "Man, 'healed' is a pretty relative turn for us. I think I'm about as good as I'm gonna get. How about you? How're your injuries?"

"As good as they get." And Sanzo had clearly bored of this line of conversation, for he closed the distance and popped the button on Gojyo's jeans. "Tell me what you want."

"You."

"What of me?" Sanzo pulled the zipper down slowly, tooth by tooth. Each notch clicked and vibrated through Gojyo's groin.

"Fuck, anything, okay?" Gojyo licked his lips. "You wanna fuck me? I want you to fuck me."

Gojyo wasn't sure whether Sanzo sighed or breathed a "yes" when he shucked his breeches, and Sanzo tossed his robe aside. "If we're doing this, we're doing it right, god damn it," Sanzo muttered aloud this time. "First, I want you to sit on that stool." He pointed to the shower stool, and Gojyo promptly obeyed, perched neatly, hands on his knees, heels bouncing.

"What'cha gonna do to me?" He smirked. "You want to try and use your mouth? I can talk you through."

"Shut the fuck up. I'm not an idiot."

"No teeth, okay?"

"Fuck, if you keep talking, I'm not going to do it!" Sanzo scoffed, and Gojyo stopped; he could tell he meant it.

_I think he's scared._

"It's cool. It's easy. Don't push yourself too hard." Gojyo slipped his half-hard dick out of his boxer shorts and gave it a few lazy pumps. "See, he's not so bad." He teased the edge of the crown with his thumb, and blood left his brain in a rush. Sanzo licked his lips, an unintentional motion, but Gojyo knew that if nothing else, there was a curiosity. Best case scenario, a hunger. Gojyo kept stroking himself, fingers and thumb running the length of his shaft, as Sanzo dropped down to his knees, then crawled closer. His neatly-trimmed nails clicked against the tile, then landed on his thighs. He pressed smooth little crescents into the taut flesh, and his lips neared Gojyo's cock then parted just enough to kiss it. Gojyo smirked- this would be cute, if he didn't know the sadistic bastard doing it so well. His tongue darted out, then caressed the bottom of the head. It touched Gojyo's fingers in the act, and Sanzo grunted and shoved his hand out of the way and pinned it on his inner thigh.

"Hold still."

"If you want my hands out of the way, you got it." Gojyo crossed his hands behind his back, and spread his knees. "All yours."

Sanzo took a nervous breath, and opened his mouth a little wider. He took the head in, cleaned the bottom with his tongue, then sucked hard. Gojyo swore he would have a hickey there if Sanzo kept it up, but he followed this up with a slow lick from the base to the tip. Gojyo's mouth fell open, a soft groan working its way up and out across his lips, and his shoulders dropped back from the shiver that ran through him. Sanzo gave his cock another slow, cleaning swipe, rocking his tongue from side to side to wrap the bottom of the shaft, and then he enclosed his mouth around it again. His lips slid halfway down, and Gojyo heard him gag.

"Not too deep, okay? Just take what you can." Gojyo smiled and carded his fingers into Sanzo's hair. "It feels good, baby."

Sanzo pulled the shaft back out, but tightened his jaw to drag his teeth along his length. This sent a thrill through Gojyo's hips, and it took all his control not to buck forward. He regretted the "no teeth" joke now, until Sanzo glared up at him. "Don't call me baby."

"My bad." Gojyo grinned, and ruffled Sanzo's hair. "Were you done?"

"Hardly started." With that, Sanzo dove back onto his cock, mouth open, and took Gojyo in again. He got a little more in this time, working the head to the back of his mouth, and licked hard on the withdrawal. Gojyo couldn't hold back a groan when the cusp of Sanzo's tongue rested against the base of the head, teased the base, then swirled up and invaded the slit. His fingers, of their own accord, gripped in Sanzo's hair, but he resisted the urge to push him back down. His hips trembled from the effort of not rocking forward, not fucking Sanzo's face. Sanzo bobbed over him a few times, taking him mostly in then all the way out. The chill of the room set in on the spit on his cock, before just as quickly being warmed again in his mouth. His lips were so much softer than Gojyo could have dreamed, his tongue wetter than any woman's, at least that he could remember. His mouth was strong too-  _Maybe it's that oral fixation with those cigarettes-_  and every suction brought blood down from Gojyo's brain. The craziest thing was that Sanzo would, every few sucks, nibble up his length. It sent shivers down his spine and made his own teeth chatter.

"Fuck, you're good." He gently twined his fingers in Sanzo's hair, and massaged the back of his head. "Whoever taught you to do this was a fucking genius." Sanzo let his dick drop from his mouth to give him a new glare.

"Don't flatter yourself." The glare wasn't working; those big, purple orbs of anger and chemical fire were black with lust, like a moonless night. Gojyo didn't have nearly enough blood in his brain to calculate Sanzo's implication, not for a few seconds, but he smirked when he got it. He traced the line of Sanzo's swollen lower lip.

"You were paying attention." He chuckled. "You wanna switch? S'only fair."

"You're not done, I'm not done." Sanzo dove back down, and Gojyo swore he'd redoubled his efforts at licking and sucking and tasting-  _I bet this bastard fucking loves how I taste. I wish I knew how I tasted. It can't compare to how he tastes, but fuck, I hope I'm delicious_. His noise doubled to match, and he cried out softly at every intake. He could feel his orgasm surging just under his skin, just on the precipice, and he couldn't help it anymore. He held Sanzo's head and shoulders and tipped his hips forward, just out of sync with Sanzo's rhythm.

"You can take it. You're so good." He moaned as his heart raced, and all of his nerves came to pins and needles. He wanted the orgasm so bad, but he didn't want this to end, and held tight onto Sanzo and all of his willpower with the same clenched jaw. Sanzo's hands slipped up around his hips, caressed and cupped his buttocks, then squeezed in tandem with a long, slow lick. Gojyo gasped. "Fuck! You're so fucking good!" Sanzo didn't resist his pull, but hummed into Gojyo's dick, sending a tremor all the way down the rod and up Gojyo's spine. Any words Gojyo might have had left were gone, and he discovered a beautiful new language of senseless moans and pleas and whines, all escalating to a pitch with each suck, until Sanzo suddenly pulled back and began to forcefully yank at his prick. Gojyo's control slipped, and he felt himself nearly lose it, then did when Sanzo's thumbs suddenly invaded him. A thrill shot through him, lightning and white light danced through his eyes and bones. He was sure he yelled, but nothing sensible. He spurted onto his legs and Sanzo's hand, panting and wheezing, but intensely relieved.

He hadn't even realized the tension he'd had in him, not until he'd released it. And now, Sanzo was lapping it up off of his thighs like a cat. He looked up, caught Gojyo's eyes with a raise of his eyebrows, and gave his index finger a slow lick. Gojyo withheld the whine, certainly not a dog tempted with a bone. Sanzo then held his slick middle finger up towards Gojyo, a questioning look twitching at his lips. Gojyo leaned forward and took his own essence onto the tip of his tongue. Before he could even taste it, Sanzo hopped up onto his knees and met Gojyo's mouth with his tongue. With a few swipes, he'd explored his teeth and cheeks and shared Gojyo's seed with his flavor; the heat, the warmth, old paper and sunlight and now, a tinge of warm, cheap beer, mixed with his own tang of pepper, spice, and salty, wormwood bitter spend, and hell if it wasn't tastier than anything Gojyo had put in his mouth in years. The kiss broke, and the two breathed against one another, each catching their breath but for very different reasons.

"Uh." Gojyo leaned back, and licked his lips. Sanzo's lips were swollen, his cheeks pink, and he now squeezed his sore jaw in his palm. "That- you're amazing." When a woman did that for him, usually leaving him with a smile but not so sated as this, he would pull her up into his arms, put his tongue down her throat and then somewhere else, tangle his fingers in her hair, and whisper her praises until she giggled herself to sleep. Sanzo would probably have no such reaction, and he'd be liable to get booted from the bed- or whatever passed as a good spot for sex between them- for his efforts. He did rest his hand in Sanzo's hair and slicked it back. "Next time, I'll do that for you. Make you see stars."

"I'm not interested in astronomy. I'm interested in you." Sanzo pressed his hand on the stool and pushed himself to a stand. Gojyo could see the erection straining his jeans, pressing out against the zipper, and he remembered his own words.

"Got it. How you want me to do this?" He swiped his thighs off, and dropped from the stool to his knees on the tile. Sanzo raised one eyebrow, then dug into his back pocket.

"The first time we played this game, you made yourself sick because it hurt." He pulled out a small bottle. "I'd like to fix that, but this is all I have. If I open this bottle, you have to promise not to get any in your mouth." Gojyo squinted at the bottle; he'd never seen it before, but he could see a few words around Sanzo's fingers.

"Gun oil?"

"Gun oil."

"Kinky." Gojyo grinned. "Okay, so licking you clean is out, fine. I'll get us some good stuff for next time." He took the bottle. "Almond oil, or maybe something cherry-flavored."

"Up on the wall." Sanzo gestured "up" with his two forward fingers, and Gojyo slowly stood, hoping Sanzo enjoyed the play of his muscles as he moved. Sanzo showed no visible reaction, but he did see his eyes flit up his body as he backed up. Gojyo rested himself between two spigots, let his knees bend, let his back slide down against the wall, and poured some of the gun oil onto his palm. He realized Sanzo was watching him, and smirked.

_Well, I could try to put on a show._  He reached behind him, touching the puckered entrance, and rimmed the hole.  _Or, I could be super lazy._ "Hmm." He canted his head back, exposing the long line of his neck, and pushed his middle finger in. He forced a carefree grin and indolent tone. "Where is that hole?" He smirked a little, and swirled his finger in the ring. He hummed through the sensation. "Kinda hard to get the right angle like this." He got a little bit more oil from where he'd slicked the outside, and pushed the index finger in with the middle, just in, just the tip. He made himself smirk lazily at the other man. "You sure you want me like this, Sanzo?"

"Shut up." Gojyo looked forward, and saw sweat gathering at Sanzo's hairline. He pinned one hand above Gojyo's shoulder, shoulders cocking forward, their foreheads nearly touching. "Idiot, can't even find your own asshole."

"I'll bet you can find it real easy." Gojyo held the bottle out. "You've been there before." He wrapped one leg around Sanzo's waist. "Plus, you know how hard you're gonna fuck me. You know how much you're going to need to stretch me out." He ground his groin against Sanzo's leg. "Come on. Get your feet wet."

Sanzo made show of splashing some oil in his hand, rolling his eyes and grumbling under his breath, but when his fingers touched Gojyo's entrance, it was with tender care. First one finger, then two, then they curved up into him and stroked, slowly, down. Gojyo whined and bit his lower lip, then sighed when Sanzo's fingers left him. "It's been too long," Sanzo grumbled. "You're tight."

"Fuck." When Sanzo's ring finger entered him, Gojyo knew it. "Fix it." His arms wrapped around Sanzo's neck and shoulders, and he rocked his hips down against Sanzo's hand. Sanzo held a groan back, then craned his neck forward to latch onto Gojyo's nipple with talented lips and teeth. The sting of his teeth was enough to distract Gojyo from the pain of being stretched open, and Gojyo was moaning again. Sanzo was up to the second knuckle with all three fingers, and he scissored them outwards just to find the limit. "Fuck! Sanzo, it's-"

"Painful?" Sanzo started to withdraw, but Gojyo ground his ass down again.

"Fucking good." Gojyo unwound one arm from Sanzo's neck, tangled fingers in his hair to pull his head up, and matched his kiss to how hard Sanzo had sucked his nipple. Sanzo pulled back, lips bruising, but dove in to return the favor with heat. Their exchange subsumed the rest of the room, the chill air and cold tile enveloped in that fire. Neither were sure how long they'd been kissing, trading passion for want and need for lust, until both ran out of breath completely. Gojyo drew back, smirking, and wriggled his hips against Sanzo's hand. "This is fun, but you want that to be a little more intimate, don't you? Give me your cock. Now."

"Hmph." Sanzo's head bowed. "Never thought I'd hear you say that."

"Never thought I'd want to drag your candy ass into bed and return the favor. Shut up and fuck me, or I'll never say it again." Gojyo's leg crept higher up his waist, allowing easier access, and Sanzo hooked his arm under it to hold it. With a muttered string of invective, Sanzo pressed the head of his prick against the hole, but held Gojyo's eyes with a hard stare. Gojyo inclined his head, the slightest of nods, a tacit _"Go."_

**(Suggested Track: "Giants" by Bear Hands)**

He wasn't expecting Sanzo to snap his hips up and in, and both of them cried out at the rush of sensation. Sanzo sank deep into him, down to the hilt, and Gojyo's eyes screwed shut. Sanzo exhaled in a rush against Gojyo's neck, and he pulled his other leg up and around Sanzo's waist and clung tighter to Sanzo's neck. Sanzo took the silent direction to slide closer, and held Gojyo's hips in his hands. Their balance was precarious, but Sanzo adjusted Gojyo against him to keep his back against the wall, and began to carefully rock Gojyo against him. The slight movement was enough: a little out, then all the way back in. Sanzo's voice was almost melodic in the stream of low noises that he couldn't hold back as his movements sped. Gojyo couldn't return his song, his teeth were clenched from trying not to cry out. Sanzo's package was average in length, thick, but clean, and it was pressing against that lump of glands inside him with each burning pass. Gojyo forced his eyes to open, and met Sanzo's heavy, lidded gaze. His eyes turned between Gojyo's navel and Gojyo's face, and he recognized the fear apparent in him in tandem with the desire, and everything clicked.

This was Sanzo. This measured passion was all Sanzo, this slow delivery of gentle pleasure, this was the man he could be. This was everything he had been trying not to be the first time they'd been together, nor the next or the next.  _This was why he was so angry. He was terrified to be this for me._  Gojyo rolled his shoulder blades back, and thrust down against his groin.  _He deserves a fucking medal for letting it out._

"G-Gojyo!" Sanzo pressed up in response. Gojyo pushed down harder, and he was singing back in his own passionate language, composed entirely of 'oh's and 'ah's and 'yes's and 'right fucking there's. The heat boiled up through him, then down, and he wasn't sure when he'd gotten hard again, but he knew he was coming against Sanzo's belly, and with a roar, Sanzo was doing the same inside of him. It was like a burst from a flamethrower, the essence of fire itself, but hotter, bigger, and filling him to the point where he was sure he would split in two.

This was satisfaction. This was what sex was supposed to be. This was Sanzo.

Sanzo kept him pinned to the wall as he pulled himself out, and Gojyo could feel condensation in his breath. His teeth grazed Gojyo's shoulder, and he squeezed Gojyo's thigh. Gojyo unwound himself from Sanzo, standing on his own two feet by some unknowable miracle, and Sanzo's hand groped out to the shower spigot. The shower over them turned on, lukewarm- because of course the hot water heater didn't need time to warm up, of course it was operating at this time of night, this was a  _nice_  inn- and Sanzo slicked the spend off his gut and held his hand under the shower head. Gojyo let his weight sink to the wall, and Sanzo turned the shower head towards him.

Neither spoke; maybe it was easier right now if they didn't speak. Traded taunts and half-meant insults would clash with the fading heat that had brought both of them fruition in more ways than one. Sanzo landed on the wall next to him, laced their fingers into a single fist, and he led Gojyo down to the floor. Gojyo's torso fell, his head landed on Sanzo's knee, and Sanzo's fingers raked their way through Gojyo's dampening hair. They were together, just this close to being a single unit, and Sanzo didn't have to smile or say a word for Gojyo to know they were equally content.

A long time passed, but Gojyo wasn't sure how long. All he knew was the peace that came with laying against Sanzo, the warmth of being together rather than the fire of their usual repartee.

"Will you sleep soundly tonight?" Sanzo spoke first. Gojyo chuckled, and rubbed his cheek to Sanzo's bare thigh.

"Fuck, I could sleep anywhere after that." He sat up, turned the shower off, and wrung his hair out. It would be tangled in the morning, but he couldn't make himself care right now. One thing still stood out, and he met Sanzo's eyes from the side. "You know, the sex is real nice, but it doesn't clear my head. It just exhausts me."

"What will clear your head, then?" Gojyo would have expected sarcasm, even mockery, from those words before. This was a sincere question. Sanzo was expecting an actual answer now. Gojyo hadn't been ready with one.

"Well, uh." He swallowed, searching for words. "I'm always kind of a mess in here. I guess, maybe if I figure that out, I could tell you. Is... is that okay?" He couldn't fathom why such a small request scared him, but knowing that it did gave him a glimpse of insight;  _Maybe our not-getting-along wasn't all him. What's holding me back?_

"If that's what you need or want, so be it." Sanzo shrugged, and rose to his feet. He offered a hand down to Gojyo, which he accepted. He could see the marks of his chain in his own arm- he'd asked Hakkai not to heal them, so he could have a 'memento' from saving Sanzo's life- and he now matched Sanzo's hand and exposed arm. That clasping of hands made Gojyo's heart pound even harder than before.

_We're only going deeper into hell from here. The journey's only gonna get harder._ His heart wrenched when Sanzo pulled him to his feet to stand at his side. Gojyo took a breath and found his balance again.  _Whatever the hell's going on in my head, I'm pretty sure he's the only one who can keep me grounded. I think I wanna keep it that way._

"Asshole." Gojyo looked up, and Sanzo shoved a towel into his chest. He'd already put his jeans back on. "Dry off already; you'll catch cold."

"Pfft." Gojyo took the towel, wondering how Sanzo could mix mockery with care like that. Maybe he'd answered his own question in the query itself; it was Sanzo, after all. Before he'd even finished drying off, Sanzo held out his cigarette box, the top already open. Gojyo pulled a Hi-Lite out, and put it to his lips. Sanzo held out a lighter in his palm, ignited, and Gojyo lit off of the blaze. Sanzo released the flint, and pushed the lighter into Gojyo's free hand. Gojyo frowned and looked at it, and realized it was a new Zippo.

He'd tossed his last one in a moment of frustration. Since he'd started smoking again, he'd used a disposable lighter or bummed lights off of Sanzo. This was a metal one, etched with an image of a great ocean wave against the moon. Gojyo clutched it tight; he didn't want to lose this one. Sanzo nodded curtly, then toed Gojyo's pants towards him.

"Your bandage is wet now. I'll fix it for you."

And he did. Gojyo half dressed and peeled his bandage off, then sat on the stool again to let Sanzo dry the scarring wound and put fresh gauze and tape over it. Gojyo looked him over for anything in need of fixing, but Sanzo scarcely held still long enough for him to find anything, and certainly not long enough for Gojyo to move in and help. He quickly and quietly patched his few remaining scrapes with new bandages, as Gojyo finished his cigarette.

"I could help you, you know."

"I don't want you to have to take care of me." Sanzo found and pulled his shirt back on, then held Gojyo's tank top out to him.

"I don't have to do a damn thing. I want to." Gojyo rolled his eyes, and pulled his shirt back on. Sanzo squinted at him- angry? No, not angry. He was considering something- then reached for the pile he'd brought in with him. Gojyo snorted, and pressed, "I mean, you're doing nice shit for me for no good reason."

"I have a good reason."

"Well, what is it?" Gojyo folded his arms, and Sanzo considered him again, a brown mass bundled in the crook of his elbow. Gojyo studied him right back, and it came to him:

_I don't think either of us are ready for him to answer that question yet. Maybe I shouldn't ask yet._

"Will you at least wear a damned jacket sometimes?" He slapped something suede and soft around Gojyo's shoulders, and Gojyo looked. It was, in fact, a damned jacket. Suede, suede-lined, and nicer than anything Gojyo had ever picked out for himself. Sanzo found his Marlboros in his jean pocket and lit one up in a fluid motion. "It's fucking cold out there, and I see more mountains on the map. If you get sick, I'm leaving your ass wherever you collapse."

"You wouldn't leave me behind again." Gojyo grinned, and slipped his arms into the sleeves. It was even more comfortable when it was on right. "You know what'll happen."

"Goddamn right, and that's why you're not going to get sick." Sanzo turned on his heel. "Let's go to bed while we're both still exhausted." His hand clapped on Gojyo's shoulder, guiding him to his feet.

"Stinking rat. Always avoiding the hard stuff." Gojyo grinned, and leaned hard on Sanzo. Sanzo let him, and leaned right back.

Maybe that was the way it was meant to be.

Maybe they wouldn't sleep in another "nice" inn between here and India. Maybe they would sleep in the lap of luxury every night.

Maybe Gojyo would never want to take that jacket off again. Maybe they would screw around at every rest stop, every inn, every forest that gave them enough shadow, and never talk about why, only knowing that they wanted the other.

Maybe in a few months, Sanzo would find terror overcome him again, and walk away. Maybe Gojyo would walk the opposite direction, swearing and cursing the man who made his heart ache to save the two men he called his dearest friends.

Maybe they would come back together. Maybe they would get each other alone, and scream each other out for leaving the other, for what one said, for what the other did.

_"Goku was going to die, you fuck! You fucking vanished! You fucking saw what Hakkai went through to keep him alive, you saw me with them dying in my arms, while you fucking turned your back!"_

_"So chase me, you idiot! You wanted me that bad, why didn't you do something about it?! Instead, you just ran off at the mouth and left me. You ran off too! You fucking moron-"_

_"But we came back for you. We came back! We saved your goddamn life, and you don't apologize, or even fucking thank us!"_

_"You wanted to save me, and you did. It's not like I'm not grateful. Why aren't you over it?! Why the hell are you so pissed off?!"_

Maybe they were arguing over nothing. Maybe they just needed to break the ice after time apart. Maybe they just needed to scream at someone for no good reason. Maybe Sanzo would only relent when Gojyo broke, pressing his forehead into his hands, not crying, but close enough that Sanzo could taste it.

" _You ain't gonna apologize. I gave up on that forever ago. Maybe you don't know how. But fuck, can we try to pretend to get along? Our sons' birthday's coming up soon. Don't you remember them? Maybe you threw them away too. Maybe that raven bastard took them away. But maybe we can celebrate together. Unless you wanna walk away from me again."_

And maybe Sanzo would still and silence, still unable to answer the questions that Gojyo wouldn't ask. Maybe he'd agree, and the two would fall into each other again with a sigh and a swear, just like the rest, just like they'd never been apart.

Maybe they'd figure it out someday. Maybe they'd find out what kept drawing them back in. Maybe they'd never think about it deeper, never question some of the stranger things the Merciful Goddess had told them, never wonder why they were drawn in to one another. Maybe they wouldn't bother and enjoy it for what it was.

Maybe that's all they could have, all either of them wanted. The two of them, side by side, whether it was in one another's beds or the pits of hell itself. No matter where they'd started, they were together now, and no matter what came next, that wouldn't change. This was how they intended to stay, for sure, and though neither could admit it, neither would deny it.

And maybe, so admitted the Merciful Goddess, that was the best deal one could ask for. But certainly it was enough.

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some of you might actually be wondering about the next two parts of the trilogy. Sadly, I have not yet had time to edit the second act, No Mercy. When I do, I will be posting it here in large chunks. The third act of this story is, also sadly, going to have to remain solely on FFN, just because I probably will never have time to carve that down to a more manageable size. My sincere apologies. I'll try to have the first few chapters of No Mercy up in the next few weeks. Thank you all for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to make a note on chapter numbering here. The original King Rat was 10 chapters and an omake. The way I did this rewrite was by taking the original chapters, going line by line to edit dialogue and syntax, and at points inserting entire scenes. These entire scenes came to be chapters in their own right, the longest of which I believe ended up at 26 pages inserted basically between two paragraphs. I have numbered chapters corresponding to the original chapters from which they sprouted, so next week, instead of chapter 2, we'll have chapter 1B. It'll be a nice little bonus for those who archived the original King Rat who want to compare.
> 
> Reviews and comments are better than chocolate to me, so please leave one! Comments, questions, and suggestions are welcome! No matter what, updates will be every other week, so, I'll see you then!


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